What do you think of "Walking" dates?

[Stranger516]

Ladies:

If you were dating someone for a significant amount of time, but found yourself waiting for a proposal, would you walk after "x amount of time" or would you stay with him because he is the one for you (ring or no ring.)

 

Men:

How would you react if your significant other approached you with a "walk date" by saying "If you don't propose by "x amount of time" I'm leaving. Would you be offended by this because it makes her seem like she may not love you enough if she is willing to leave? Or would you propose sooner to keep her from leaving?

[kiss_andmakeup]

In my humble opinion, a "walking date" is fine to have but is best to be kept to oneself. It's fine to tell yourself "okay, if we're not engaged by _________, I think I need to move on."

 

But to put your partner in the position of an ultimatum is an entirely different can of worms. I'd think long and hard about doing that, because I'd never want someone to marry me simply because they felt forced.

[d0nnivain]

I was in a relationship for over 10 years. In the last few I thought long & hard about this. I decided I wasn't going to give him an ultimatum: marry me or I'm leaving. I figured if he didn't want to marry me unless I threatened him, what kind of marriage would that be? In the end I walked because I figured he'd never marry me. As we were breaking up . . . it took a while, . . . he dangled yet another carrot: I was thinking about proposing. That actual made me furious. After all that time if he didn't know if he wanted to marry me, I figured he never would.

[newmoon]

i don't end up in this situation because i let them know pretty soon what my expectations are. but i generally do have a timeline in my head that i don't share. i find that you only run into the problem of why hasn't he proposed, why aren't we moving forward, etc. if you avoid the conversations and don't give ultimatums. if the guy is dating me i'd certainly give an ultimatum, and i have in the past - why not? you give me what i want by X or i'm moving on. and i had to move on when it turned out he wasn't sure. no shame in being upfront about what you want and if they aren't cool with that it tells you what you need to know. i think if you even get to the point of an ultimatum things aren't going well, lol. it should have moved forward or ended before you even reach that point. my current bf was told right from the start he has 6 months to make it happen or it's done. we're not 18, he doesn't need years to decide if i'm the one and i don't have time to waste if it's headed nowhere.

[MissBee]

Ladies:

If you were dating someone for a significant amount of time, but found yourself waiting for a proposal, would you walk after "x amount of time" or would you stay with him because he is the one for you (ring or no ring.)

 

Men:

How would you react if your significant other approached you with a "walk date" by saying "If you don't propose by "x amount of time" I'm leaving. Would you be offended by this because it makes her seem like she may not love you enough if she is willing to leave? Or would you propose sooner to keep her from leaving?

 

 

I don't see proposals as a one-sided thing that a man bestows on you and that you wait for. Marriage is a mutual decision and like deciding where to vacation, if we want kids, should we move in, etc...are we gonna get married is a logical question with an answer that I would have discussed and known like any of those other questions/talks/life decisions you make in a serious relationship. I'm very open and communicative in a relationship and like men who are the same so cannot fathom how we'd never discuss this and know where the other stands. I also wouldn't move in with someone most likely unless I'm engaged to them, ring and all.

 

Based on your other thread it seems you've been in this relationship since you were a teenager so that's a bit different in some ways, as it's easier to spend a longer time together without really being forthright about marriage as the bulk of your relationship you probably weren't ready for it, so it's easy to just kind of go with the flow. But for example, I'm in my twenties and I do want to be married one day, so for me any man I am serious about in getting to know him and BEFORE we even get into something serious I'd know if he was someone who wanted marriage. That's the first thing. If he is then it's a natural progression in the relationship that the more serious we get and the longer we're together this would come up and at this stage in my life I would not be with a man for 10 years or even 5 without knowing what's what, it's fine if you started dating at 16 but if you're 25 or in your thirties or older, then it doesn't make sense to just be "dating" aimlessly if marriage is a goal. If casual dating is your thing then fine but as an adult who wants marriage I don't see how or why you would allow any relationship to drag on or even begin without having these talks. If you and your guy communicate and check in often and want the same things then it will never be a case that you're waiting on pins and needles for a proposal that seems to never come and where you don't even know what's going on.

 

Therefore for me, it's not this surprise or something you "wait" for, but something that you should seriously discuss as a couple and basically agree you want/are working towards and simply the day of the proposal should be a surprise but not the fact that this person wants to get married. I have NEVER understood this movie concept of you just propose and have never seriously planned it and decided we're getting married. If we've been together for say 3 years at this stage in my life, marriage should be something we both know we either want with each other or don't, and it should be clear where we're headed. It's not on him to decide, it's on both of us to decide if that's the next step. I'm not saying that he HAS to propose at year 3, I'm just saying by year 3 for me we should have a pretty good idea about if we see marriage as the next step or no and it should be something that comes up in our discussions and as we're living life. If a man avoids the topic, never brings it up, seems unsure or vague when it comes up etc...given that it's something I want, it would be clear we aren't on the same page. I wouldn't give a walking date or ultimatum about "You better propose or else..." if it comes down to that, evidently I need to leave...as in good relationships no one has to do this.

 

But as I said...it's simply about communication and being on the same page. If you are then you know where you stand and what's next and marriage talks should be something that you've seriously discussed and already planned on one way or another.If you are waiting for a proposal but seem not to even know where the relationship stands and are just waiting for some surprise even though you all haven't decided we're getting married, then you may have it backward and you may be wasting time as well.

Edited February 8, 2014 by MissBee

[angelajackson13]

I can only say that I love my family.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Ladies:

If you were dating someone for a significant amount of time, but found yourself waiting for a proposal, would you walk after "x amount of time" or would you stay with him because he is the one for you (ring or no ring.)

 

Men:

How would you react if your significant other approached you with a "walk date" by saying "If you don't propose by "x amount of time" I'm leaving. Would you be offended by this because it makes her seem like she may not love you enough if she is willing to leave? Or would you propose sooner to keep her from leaving?

 

No woman is gonna pressure me to propose unless I feel I'm ready to propose. I know that marriage doesn't mean jack ****, and I'm really not going to go through the divorce process unless I don't see the divorce coming. If she gives me an ultimatum to get married, I'm going to feel like she's got some personal issues she's hiding, and it's kind of suspicious. I wouldn't get rid of her just because of that, but it'd be a concern.

[Eggplant]

But for example, I'm in my twenties and I do want to be married one day, so for me any man I am serious about in getting to know him and BEFORE we even get into something serious I'd know if he was someone who wanted marriage.

In an ideal world, the topic of marriage could be openly discussed from day 1. Unfortunately, I'd worry that alluding to it too early would make even otherwise level-headed men feel too much pressure. In order to feel comfortable enough for people to let their guard down and get to know each other in a relaxed way, there needs to be a very low-key, casual period. So it's a tricky dance between boldly stating your marriage goal outright versus not communicating enough soon enough.

 

I often wonder what it would be like to go to a marriage matchmaker, as Indian couples do. The problem doesn't exist when everybody comes in with the explicit purpose of finding a husband or wife.

[Leigh 87]

Personally, I was able to figure out if I was on the same page as my own bf regarding marriage. To avoid having to break up in a year or two, if he had absolutely no intention of marrying.

I needed to know early on with this guy, as I had instant sparks with him and I knew it would hurt a lot if I had to break up with him in 2 years time due to him not being on the same page as me regarding marriage....

 

Some men happily stay in relationships with women that are not "the one"

 

My own bf has his sister and close friends all wait 8 years or more to get married. I point blank told him that I would never date a guy for 4 or 5 years. I don't believe in "dating" for that long in your mid 20s and beyond.

We talked about it more. He said at our age, no, I will not have to wait 5 years for a proposal.

 

He then discussed that he had a stroke when he was 19, and as a result, was in intensive therapy for years and even though he is fine NOW, his life was put on hold and he is not where he needs to be financially to start a life together in the immediate future. I will have to wait a few years.

So I said fair enough, I have gone back to college as a mature age student later in life and hence I am also not at he stage of being able to hold a full time professional job.

 

The one thing I did say was: a guy "knows" within about 6 months if he wants to eventually marry a girl. Things don't always go to plan of course, but they "know" how they feel about a girl and what they "hope" is to happen.

He agreed with me. He said he understood my stance on not wanting to date a guy for 4 - 5 years with no proposal( especially at my age).

He said I have nothing to worry about, that he doesn't know when he will be ready, but he thinks we are on the same wavelength when it comes to marriage..

We both want it sooner than practical, so we have to make some compromises and wait a little longer due to our life circumstances.

 

There are no guarantees in life, especially in relationships. One easy thing that CAN save you a lot of strife, however, is NOT spending a year or more with a guy who has no intention of ever marrying a partner.

 

From day 1 I am fairly certain that he would have been comfortable to talk about our views on marriage in general and I think we may have touched on it.

We have a right not to want to invest ANY energy and time into dating people who have drastically differing views on marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh - and I would 100% walk away if a guy took more than 3 years to propose.

If he was set financially and he had no logistical reasons to NOT propose, I would ideally like a proposal within 1 - 2.5 years tops.

Ideally between the 1 - 2 year mark.

 

*secretly hoping bf gets his business up and running ASAP so he earns a full time income*

Edited February 9, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

So it's a tricky dance between boldly stating your marriage goal outright versus not communicating enough soon enough.

.

 

 

 

Well, I told him that I have no idea what the future holds for us, we only just started dating, but I sure aint "dating" a "boyfriend" for 5 years and beyond, or worse still, 8 years like his sister and friends.

 

I said " there is little point getting attached if we have differing ideals on marriage and getting engaged/proposing, so we may as well know straight out if this will cause us to just break up later on down the line, when we are 100 times more invested.

 

The only negative reaction was : so you wouldn't compromise for a guy you were madly in love with"

I simply said " no, I don't see any need to "date" a partner for 4 plus years , to CHOOSE to just "date" beyond 4 years if both people have their sh*t together.

 

 

He seemed happy and more at peace to know that we were on the same page marriage wise. Better to now know than 3 or 4 years from now!

 

It was important to have this frank discussion, since I most certainly will never budge on my stance on marriage.

Edited February 9, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Els]

I don't personally have a 'date', yet - partly because I'm still fairly young and partly because de facto couples have almost the same legal rights as married couples here.

 

Aside from that, I agree with kiss_and_makeup - if you want to have one, it's fine, but don't turn it into an ultimatum. A marriage is something that you need to work on for life, and starting off based on emotional arm-twisting is really not a great foundation for a long-lasting one.

[Radu]

Men:

How would you react if your significant other approached you with a "walk date" by saying "If you don't propose by "x amount of time" I'm leaving. Would you be offended by this because it makes her seem like she may not love you enough if she is willing to leave? Or would you propose sooner to keep her from leaving?

 

It depends on how it's presented to me.

I hate ultimatums, i hate giving them and i hate receiving them [baggage from other relationships].

So if she presented it in a nice way, without drama, logically, i would react better if she said the dreaded 'or else' in a loud booming voice.

 

I have a pretty clear timetable, and i generally like to have it known :

- 1yr together at least before moving in

- not proposing until we lived together for a while

- i would never propose if i only saw her through rose-tinted glasses; i have to see the good and the bad in the person to make such a decision

- engagement for me is a promise of marriage, and i don't plan to offer it without first living together for a while

- at least 1yr after engagement living together before marriage

- i see it all done within 3yrs or so, but i'm flexible ... 2yrs is good too [no less than that though]

[Leigh 87]

I don't personally have a 'date', yet - partly because I'm still fairly young and partly because de facto couples have almost the same legal rights as married couples here.

 

Aside from that, I agree with kiss_and_makeup - if you want to have one, it's fine, but don't turn it into an ultimatum. A marriage is something that you need to work on for life, and starting off based on emotional arm-twisting is really not a great foundation for a long-lasting one.

 

 

 

You are one of the only cases I know of where the guy doesn't want to propose early on, and when it is not attributed to the guy just not being into you enough. Your relationship has always sounded ideal and healthy.

Oh - aside from couples who get together at a very young age. It makes sense that they need up to 8 years together from their late teens to early to mid 20's...

 

I just feel like when a guy meets "that girl" who he just feels completely nuts about, he tends to fall in love by the 3 month mark, and he proposes within 1 - 2 years.

I guess some men are way more logical... even if they do really feel that a girl could be "it" for them, they hold off, don't day " I love you" within the first 5 months, and they don't propose until after a few years together. It sounds logical and sensible to be this way.

 

May I ask why he hasn't proposed yet, after a few years together? It seems like you are studying again, am I correct? Sorry, as there are a lot of folks on here I try to keep up with, apologies if I am thinking about the wrong love shacker!

My bf seems like he similarly wants to wait at least 2 years before thinking of proposing: I get my degree in 4 years ( Social Work is a very lengthy honours degree). My boyfriend also had a brain injury and that set him back career wise (he works 3 days a week as a chef).

 

He thinks we need to get our life together financially speaking before starting a life together. He takes marriage seriously and knows there is no use getting married if you are not ready to start a proper life together.

 

He equates marriage with having babies anytime after that point..... Which is not feasible if I am at college with years to go and NO prospect of getting full time work until a degree is complete. Hence why I am doing a super intensive 1 year diploma course; so I can work full time during college, as we both think it would be nice to start our lives together earlier on than in 4 years time (when the degree finishes).

 

I think he will propose between the 2 - 3 year mark personally. Those are our reasons for not having a quick engagement. What is yours, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I ask because I like the sound of your relationship yet I myself, prefer faster engagements. It looks like we will be in the same boat when it comes to marriage! I will be waiting a few years too by the sounds of things with my bf....

[Els]

You are one of the only cases I know of where the guy doesn't want to propose early on, and when it is not attributed to the guy just not being into you enough. Your relationship has always sounded ideal and healthy.

Oh - aside from couples who get together at a very young age. It makes sense that they need up to 8 years together from their late teens to early to mid 20's...

 

I just feel like when a guy meets "that girl" who he just feels completely nuts about, he tends to fall in love by the 3 month mark, and he proposes within 1 - 2 years.

I guess some men are way more logical... even if they do really feel that a girl could be "it" for them, they hold off, don't day " I love you" within the first 5 months, and they don't propose until after a few years together. It sounds logical and sensible to be this way.

 

May I ask why he hasn't proposed yet, after a few years together? It seems like you are studying again, am I correct? Sorry, as there are a lot of folks on here I try to keep up with, apologies if I am thinking about the wrong love shacker!

My bf seems like he similarly wants to wait at least 2 years before thinking of proposing: I get my degree in 4 years ( Social Work is a very lengthy honours degree). My boyfriend also had a brain injury and that set him back career wise (he works 3 days a week as a chef).

 

He thinks we need to get our life together financially speaking before starting a life together. He takes marriage seriously and knows there is no use getting married if you are not ready to start a proper life together.

 

He equates marriage with having babies anytime after that point..... Which is not feasible if I am at college with years to go and NO prospect of getting full time work until a degree is complete. Hence why I am doing a super intensive 1 year diploma course; so I can work full time during college, as we both think it would be nice to start our lives together earlier on than in 4 years time (when the degree finishes).

 

I think he will propose between the 2 - 3 year mark personally. Those are our reasons for not having a quick engagement. What is yours, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I ask because I like the sound of your relationship yet I myself, prefer faster engagements. It looks like we will be in the same boat when it comes to marriage! I will be waiting a few years too by the sounds of things with my bf....

 

Yeah, we got together when we were 21, and are now mid-20s. I'm still in grad school. The reasons are multiple, probably, and include cultural conditioning (he feels like he must have enough savings to buy us a house and also be established in his career, etc).

 

I think that there is nothing inherently wrong with preferring quicker engagements. We're all different people, and you need to make the decisions that you believe to be right for you. I would however caution you to be wary of how quickly you mean, especially given the fact that you are also in your mid-20s - IMO older people tend to know themselves and what they want out of life quicker, and so are more successful with marriages that are based on quick engagements.

 

Personally, I don't view speed of marriage as the primary indicator of how 'into me' a man is. I judge that by daily actions and investment, not by whether or not there is a ring on my finger. As you are probably aware of, in Aussie and NZ divorces are much easier than in the USA, there is no alimony, and de facto partners usually are considered equivalent to married and civil union couples in terms of legal rights/proceedings. So marriage is more of a personal/social/cultural thing in terms of meaning, and does not necessarily make someone more committed in practical terms.

[Elias33]

Deadlines do not work.

[Queenie42]

I'm so baffled by the idea of applying a deadline to something so important, let alone having one person restrict what should be a shared decision.

 

I remember as a kid I always recognised the fairytale trope of marrying the first guy you meet (the day after you meet) isn't how the modern world works. The impression I got from more modern movies was that people had sex after the third date, move in together/engagement after one year, married after two years. Also not really how it works, but it wasn't until I actually became someone's girlfriend that I realised just how far out that impression was. But that's what you get as a naive 20 year old virgin who watches too many movies.

 

I'm learning that the important factor is not so much the time you put into the relationship, but the way you spend that time. We've been together for two and a half years, which is inching towards 10% of my entire lifespan and if you say it like that it sounds huge. But we're very young, still pretty naive, we've never lived together nor discussed any of those grown-up things with much seriousness. I absolutely want to marry my boyfriend. I've known that for ages. But I also know that we're a long way off from an engagement, and that's fine. We're just letting the whole thing grow organically.

[Eggplant]

The original post has assumed the woman wants marriage sooner than the man. Does it always happen that way? Is there not ever a case where the man gets frustrated because his girlfriend isn't ready for marriage?

[Els]

The original post has assumed the woman wants marriage sooner than the man. Does it always happen that way? Is there not ever a case where the man gets frustrated because his girlfriend isn't ready for marriage?

 

I'm not a fan of generalizations, but I think women are more likely to be ready earlier for marriage, and men more likely to be ready earlier for sex. There are exceptions, of course.

 

I personally believe that neither person should pressure their partner for either of the above.

[Radu]

There were a couple of cases on LS where the man was ready ahead of the woman for marriage [and it happened to me once too ... thank every God worshipped on this planet i came to my senses] ... they did not end well.

 

In those cases, the men took it as a massive ego hit that they proposed and got refused, or the women in a passive way lead the relationship towards a perpetual bf-gf thing.

Or grass-is-greener happened.

Edited February 10, 2014 by Radu

[BHsigh]

Ladies:

If you were dating someone for a significant amount of time, but found yourself waiting for a proposal, would you walk after "x amount of time" or would you stay with him because he is the one for you (ring or no ring.)

 

Men:

How would you react if your significant other approached you with a "walk date" by saying "If you don't propose by "x amount of time" I'm leaving. Would you be offended by this because it makes her seem like she may not love you enough if she is willing to leave? Or would you propose sooner to keep her from leaving?

 

If I was given a walking date, I would say don't bother waiting.

[KathyM]

I would not give a certain deadline, because I wouldn't want a man to feel pressured into marrying me, but if he hadn't proposed after a year and a half, I would start asking what his plans were for our future together, or where does he see our relationship going, so I get an idea of his commitment. If he was wishy-washy about his level of commitment after that time and had no plans for progressing the relationship, I would tell him something like that I feel the relationship isn't going anywhere, and that maybe we should take a break.

[Col1]

The lady could propose.

[HokeyReligions]

Ditto what others said

Edited March 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed non relevant parts

[4givrnt4gtr]

This is my take on this...something I kept in mind throughout my dating history. This is how I posed it to myself after a few relationships where I wasn't sure whether the guy wanted to be with me or not.

 

I realized that I am a valuable person, I am a good person, or at least try to be, and I do my very best to be a good loving faithful girlfriend, and give the very best of me. Up until a point, I was doing all that for men who for one reason or another couldn't appreciate it, and took it for granted, often because of forces outside of themselves. I kept thinking I could "convince them" they wanted me, or that maybe given enough time, they could "figure themselves out" and be able to settle down with me. It didn't help that a lot of them (and I imagine most men in long term relationships do this) kept asking for "more time" and saying they just needed to "sort themselves out" but that surely, they would be able to love me the way I needed them to (aka, be fully present with me at that point, but it also related to seeing a future/marriage with me). I did what I see a lot of women do, wait around, pressure, question, and even thought about ultimatums....and then it hit me....

 

IF I have to give someone an ultimatum to commit to me, what does that say about his love (or lack thereof) for me?

 

I realized I was selling myself short. I had always hoped for a type of love where we BOTH knew the other was wonderful, and amazing and there were not major doubts that halted things for either one. I also thought that maybe I was asking for too much, but I decided if that was the case, then so be it...I would be the crazy cat lady. I could do bad all by myself. No need to be hoping and praying someone decides I am good enough to commit to. (I think this acceptance, that I may never get what I want, but if thats the case I would be ok by myself, played a major role on how everything turned out).

 

I decided to break up the relationship where I was being put on hold. Not after a specific time, but after I realized the man in question just could not fully love me. This was needless to say, a huge heartbreak and caused major sadness, but it was also the salvation of my dignity and self esteem.

 

After that, I decided that if I sensed a man isn't "ready" to settle down, or needed to "sort things out", I would kindly decline further engagement and move on. Perhaps its selfish, or self-centered. But I refused to be a place holder anymore, or a convenience. I decided that from then on I would not allow my fate and life lie in the hands of someone else. I knew what I wanted (love, commitment and faithfulness) and I refused to settle for anything less.

 

So from then on I dated men that were clearly and 100% enthusiastically interested in me and who I am (not just an aspect of me, ie. body, potential for money or other weird isH some people go for).

 

I am happy to say that that approach worked wonders for me. I met a wonderful man whom I adore, and who loves me just as much. In our relationship there has never really been a question of "where is this going", as we both were very clear from the get go of what we wanted long term. After almost two years he proposed marriage, without any threat, or even a hint that that is what I wanted. It was all out of his own assurance that I am who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And because I didn't cajole in any way, I will always have the reassurance that I will be his wife because he loved me, and only because of that.

 

So long story short....a "walking" date seems to me like a recipe for disaster. On the one hand he may do what most men would do when they feel manipulated and say deuces.

 

On the other hand, he may comply and propose...but how is that going to feel for you? Seems to me that when women want their man propose is cuz they want the reassurance that the man loves them...so when you manipulate them into doing it, that goes automatically out the window, and for the rest of your life you will wonder whether he actually loves you or just did that to appease you.

 

My suggestion is to take back your power and control of your life. Take a look at the relationship. Do you feel loved? Do you feel he is 100% devoted to you and your relationship? If not then I think its time to have an honest talk with your partner. If he gives you reasons such as financial strain etc as reasons why he hasn't proposed, then suggest practical solutions. If he still hesitates, then I guess you have your answer.

 

Life is short. Don't allow anyone else to take control of your life and your future.

[Poppygoodwill]

I'm not one for ultimatums. As others have said, who wants a forced march to the altar? But I do think that if she knows for sure that marriage and children are things that she wants, and her current relationship is not heading that way, then she should leave. Not because he's a bad guy or anything like that, but because they want different things.

 

Given the realities of bio clocks and all that, it does make sense for her to give herself some sort of deadline to walk. I think in the end it's a simple, albeit painful, conversation that goes something like, "we don't want the same things....I want marriage and kids...and you don't (or don't know, whcih is the same thing in the end)...so I think we should move on..."