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Cold feet or cold relationship?


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I am 23 years old, I've been together for 3 years and just recently ask my girlfriend to marry me. We've been engaged now for 3 months and since then my feelings for her have been changing. We've been arguing lately about her lack of communication, her not wanting sex, and finances. These are 3 big issues that make a marriage work and I'm not seeing it in our relationship. I thought that by committing myself to her she would open up about some of these issues but every time I want to talk about US she tells me there is nothing to talk about.

 

I feel that I am being used, I pay the bills, clean the house and try to make her feel as comfortable as possible. I feel that I need more emotional reinforcement from her and she is either unwilling or incapable of giving it to me.

 

Am I just getting cold feet and trying to make problems so I can feel more justified in leaving? I don't want to have these issues in our marriage, is it even worth working on? I can't make this relationship work by myself and it seems I am the only one trying and willing to.

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I think I should add 1 more little issue I've been having. I have been a considerate smoker during our 3 year relationship. Before I asked her to marry me I quit and didn't smoke for a few months. During our last fight I found myself under alot of stress with her and school/work etc.. so I started to smoke again. I understand all the problems with me smoking and such and will quit again. My problem is that she said she will not marry someone who smokes bottem line, and gave me an ultimatium.

 

Is this a control thing with her? are there unlying issues with her and she is just putting all on this petty smoking thing? I don't like the idea of someone telling me what I can and cannot do. Although I do like smoking it is not an issue with me to quit, I'm just not going to just because she tells me too. I've smoked for our entire relationship and now she is saying this? I'm confused?

 

Help?

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sounds like shes making excuses not to get married,you should not smoke,but if it never was a big issue before, she using it for an excuse. ( I do smoke but feel if you can quit do it,and for people who dont dont ever start its easier then trying to quit)

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hpqutrewj65tiygv

I know exactly where you're coming from. It seems that everything you have stated is happening to me right now. The only difference is that I have two years on you in both my age and relationship.

 

 

I was hoping that someone would have given you some more in-depth advice because I could actually use the advice myself. However, from what I've been told by some very trusted friends and family is that if you can't talk to the person for whom you plan on spending your life, then who the hell can you talk to? If she doesn't want to discuss certain things that you feel are necessary topics before marriage, then perhaps she is not the right one.

 

 

I was also told by a young but wise friend of mine that, staying in a relationship solely because of the time you've invested in it is no reason to stay in that relationship. In fact, it takes away time from the possible relationship you could be forming that may, in fact, be the "right" one.

 

 

I should take my own advice, I know. Even though it seems that my girl and I are moving in separate directions in our lives, she seems too fragile and innocent for me to break her heart by leaving the relationship. She "seems" very content in our current relationship and how things are currently going. I still care for her deeply, but I don't know if we're right for each other. That's why I'd like more advice before I make a decision. I also can't stand the idea of another guy dating her...but that may be another issue altogether. :)

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Too many people make the mistake of thinking that people will change after marriage. This is only very rarely the case. If you are having difficulties now, then you should not marry. All the reasons here - worrying about hurting the other person, etc - for going ahead are wrong-headed.

 

If you have any trepidation about being married to this person, do not marry this person. People tend to be on better behaviour before the marriage - if this is all you're getting now, things may go even further downhill once you're wed.

 

You absolutely need two people in a relationship who want to work on the relationship. If your fiancee won't communicate now, there isn't much hope that will change.

 

I still care for her deeply, but I don't know if we're right for each other.

 

The fact is that two people can love each other but be totally unsuited to living together.

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Moimeme hit the nail on the head. You have far to many issues to marry this girl. We're not talking 'cold feet', we're talking major relationship issues that need to be resolved BEFORE you marry. Crossing your fingers and hoping for the best is foolhardy and one of the things that is contributing to rocketing divorce rates.

 

Not only this, but you are relatively young. People who get into serious relationships before the age of 25 are in a high-risk category and need to think extra long and hard before they take the leap.

 

In one short posting you mentioned problems with money management, communication, sex, emotional support and issues relating to conflict management and lifestyle. Nearly every couples struggles with these things in a relationship, so that's not the problem, being unable to resolve them is.

 

You will have to talk things through and come up with workable and mutually satisfying solutions for the issues before getting married. If you can't, call the marriage off, don't wait five ten years to become another statistic.

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