To Invite Or Not To Invite?

[Pyro]

It's getting down to the nitty gritty friends and we still have a few things to figure out and one of them is if we should invite certain people.

 

One thing that we do lack for the wedding is money and because of that we have done the best with what we can afford. We have selected a very nice place for the ceremony and that is pretty much where we stand.

 

Because of the money situation we can not afford to have an official reception (dinner for all, open bar, DJ, dancing, etc.) at this time. The plan is to have one when we have enough money saved ( for our one year anniversary has been suggested). Our plan for after the ceremony is to have a dinner of some sort for the wedding party and family.

 

Unfortunately we will not be able to afford dinner for our friends and this is where I would like some opinions. Since we can't afford to feed our friends should we even invite them to the wedding? I am concerned that by not inviting them they may be offended that I haven't included them on our special day but by inviting them and not feeding them they may be offended by that as well.

 

Put you and your SO in our shoes and share what you would do.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

HAHA I don't need to put myself in your shoes, I'm already wearing them )

 

When we started planning this thing last year, we were in an awesome financial position, planning something extravagant - hookahs centrepieces, ice sculptures with flowing vodka, photobooths, red carpet, etc. Then my man lost his job a few months ago and everything changed. We had to completely scrap all of our ideas.

 

Our biggest concern was not being able to feed everybody a proper dinner as well. We figured we could do a buffet for relatively cheap, but that just seems kind of...cheap. So we decided, instead of cheaping out on our wedding, we'd just not invite anybody at all, and combine our wedding+honeymoon to have a crazy destination wedding, get married on the beach with nobody but us and the officiant. Pretty non-traditional, I know, but I think it suits us well. Weddings are just a show. A really, really expensive show. We don't have anything to prove to anyone else, so why not spend that money (and a lot less of it) doing something REALLY special, for US? Maybe it's not what a traditional westernized wedding is about, but it's what a marriage is about

[allina]

How about having the reception at a city park where you can BBQ? I know that many parks have large areas that can accommodate large parties, grills included. You can totally do this for very little money.

 

If you want to have the reception at a restaurant you can try to work something out with the restaurant to make it affordable, things like no alcohol, limited food options or an earlier dinner can drive down cost.

 

Also, your good friends shouldn't mind splitting the dinner bill. If you want to invite them invite them, I'm sure they'll understand that you don't have a lot of money right now.

[threebyfate]

I'd just invite the people who will be attending the dinner since there's all kinds of expectations that surround a wedding invite, like gifts vs. reception.

 

No matter what you do, you're going to offend someone whether it's a relative or friend, so focus on what you two want. It's your wedding.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's bad form to invite people to the wedding but not to reception. It happened to me with a good friend of mine and I got offended and never attended the wedding. She in turn got offended that I didn't attend the wedding and we barely speak these days.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

hi Pyro, i have the same concerns. we are currently planning our wedding too and we don't want to spend so much money on it because we need the rest for status adjustment and such.

 

we are planning a backyard wedding at my future MIL's place so we can have an excuse to have limited people there. since i am the immigrant, my family won't be there. fiance will be inviting his very close friends and his family. all in all we are 14 people, including us. we are going to have a bbq wedding which his dad will make. 14 people i think shouldn't be a problem and if anything goes wrong, oh well at least it is not that embarrassing. we decided to put the money on cakes (but those were also cheap as we are gonna have mini cakes instead of the tiered ones) and photography. flowers, i planned to have minimum of them so it's not going to be a problem. i did not count the rings and my gown i will pay for them hehe.

 

if we were doing our wedding here in japan, it shouldn't be an issue as the guests pay for their own food here. i suggested to my fiance perhaps we can just have a simple get together with his friends that he won't be inviting.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I know a lot of people don't care what etiquette experts have to say, but I must admit that my feelings mirror theirs in this regard: don't invite anyone to the wedding whom you can't invite the reception.

 

When I married, it was immediate family only, for a myriad of reasons that aren't important now; I didn't even feel right letting my friends throw me an engagement party or bridal shower since none of them would be invited to share in our special day.

 

A party later for all them is a great idea. Do what your budget allows and enjoy your celebration together.

[Citizen Erased]

It's bad form to invite people to the wedding but not to reception. It happened to me with a good friend of mine and I got offended and never attended the wedding. She in turn got offended that I didn't attend the wedding and we barely speak these days.

 

This has been my thinking but Pyro has a large family, which he wants to invite, and he has a large circle of friends. If we are inviting everyone it's over 90 people. That's just the close friends and family. It's slightly over 50 minus the friends, which we are able to cover with a catered event. I think it's poor manners to invite people to the ceremony but not the after aspect of it. But, then his friends will be hurt at the lack of invite...

[eerie_reverie]

I like the BBQ idea, but it sounds like the reception site is already booked.

 

If that's the case and the options are: invite them but not the reception, or don't invite them at all, I think it'd be offensive to go with the first.

[Pyro]

I like the BBQ idea, but it sounds like the reception site is already booked.

 

If that's the case and the options are: invite them but not the reception, or don't invite them at all, I think it'd be offensive to go with the first.

 

nothing has been booked as of yet.

 

Personally I am not too big on the outdoor BBQ because where I live the weather can be so unpredictable.

 

I really do want my friends to be there but after thinking about it I will opt out of sending them an invite. This sucks.

[Stung]

We chose to have a very small wedding because neither of us wanted the stress of arranging for a large, formal extravaganza, it's just not our style and we both would have been uncomfortable with it. Plus we had kids already, we had mortgages, it just seemed impractical--and since we had kids, how were we going to have time to fuss with all those details?

 

My husband has a very large family too, but fortunately for us they're a pretty laid-back, independent crew and half of them had their marriages by JOP with no guests at all. If we'd invited both our families and all our friends, the wedding would have been a circus, exactly what we didn't want. We kept it down to very immediate and very local family only.

 

I was sorry to not be able to invite my few very best friends, but I explained it to them personally. Half of my groom's family weren't coming, and while they didn't mind, they might have been offended if they found out non-relatives were going to be there.

 

Most of our friends were cool with it. They all knew that we actually would have preferred to elope if not for the kids and my mom. Most of our friends aren't big formal event lovers so probably at least half of them were secretly relieved, IMO. A lot of my friends live overseas so it would have cost them a fortune if they'd felt obligated to fly in.

 

But still, one of my closest friends was hurt and offended and ended up making a hurtful scene just a few days before my wedding and making it all about her. Our friendship has never recovered, although I have been thinking about writing to her recently. My feelings are very mixed on this, I think in some ways it was a useful litmus test to see things about her personality I had been glossing over in my mind for many years, her self-centeredness, her exaggerated sense of drama.

 

One thing I learned in planning my wedding and watching friends plan theirs is that you're just not going to be able to please everyone. Family, in-laws, friends, co-workers, there will always be someone who gets political when IMO it should be nothing but romantic, and between the two lovers who are becoming family. All you can do is be open with your friends and hope and expect they will react like adults with your best interests at heart, which is thankfully what happened with the majority of our friends, as well.

 

I don't regret keeping my wedding tiny, it was romantic and intimate and what WE wanted rather than what someone else expected. It's one of my most fond memories, which is of course as it should be.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

why not do a courthouse wedding or elope instead, then do a grand wedding where everyone you would like to invite can come. just a suggestion. we considered these options as well but i decided i don't want to go through another headache of planning a wedding lol. hopefully this is the first and last XD

[denise_xo]

Where I live, weddings are quite expensive and a lot of people are very understanding if they are invited only to the wedding ceremony and not to the dinner, especially if it's clear that the dinner is only for close relatives. I would just explain it in person to close friends, emphasise that no gifts are expected, and that you will be throwing everyone a party in about a year's time. I would say that if they really care about you, they would be happy to share in the ceremony.

[sadintexas]

It's definitely a tough spot. We opted for an elegant but small, intimate wedding. I don't regret it at all. We got to actually enjoy all of our guests, and had all of the special touches that meant something to us.

 

Even with that, it cost us several thousand dollars. Wedding expenses add up quick. Most people understand that. And there was still a great amount of stress pulling it all off. I say have the wedding that will mean the most to the two of you. It IS your day and you want to be able to enjoy it. Believe me when I say that the stress leading up to that day can make you just want to get it over with. It can suck the fun right out of it if you let it (and sometimes you just can't help but worry about some things).

 

Destination weddings are the answer if you feel you can't fairly whittle down the guest list without hurt feelings.

[Star Gazer]

Have you considered just totally eloping, just the two of you or with maybe only your immediate family in attendance, and then having a real reception with everyone you'd want a year later?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

First of all, no one says that the reception has to be an extravagant event. Anything done well can be grand! I don't know what time you are getting married but an afternoon tea as a reception can be quite beautiful, inexpensive and everyone gets to share the occasion and offer their best wishes. Cake, punch and nuts (sandwiches, cheese, fruit, champagne ect..if you choose) presented nicely offers the opportunity for beautiful pictures, the camaraderie of your friends as well as the tradition wedding toasts, throwing of the bouquet, ect.. If that's your thing. It's something you could do yourself easily, provided you have friends to help set up and serve and someone to borrow some appropriate serving pieces from (these can also be rented) as well as some nice table linens.

 

This is your day to enjoy! Invite your friends to share in it and do something grand on a much smaller scale.

 

If you go with the dinner, however, you could consider doing it either directly before the wedding or perhaps the evening before.

[eerie_reverie]

nothing has been booked as of yet.

 

Personally I am not too big on the outdoor BBQ because where I live the weather can be so unpredictable.

 

I really do want my friends to be there but after thinking about it I will opt out of sending them an invite. This sucks.

 

Pyro,

 

It sounds like you really want your friends to be there. I think you guys should look into other cheaper alternatives to the formal dinner thing. If not an outdoor BBQ, then how about tea like someone suggested, a buffet, or having the wedding at an off time like a weekday?

[Stung]

Weekdays are much cheaper. I like the tea idea. Also, I have friends who had cocktail receptions, which allowed for a smaller venue, a few fancy cocktails, and little hors d'oeuvres, with some lounge-y jazz music in the background. Much more affordable than the traditional sit-down dinner, open bar and DJ in a big reception hall, but still stylish.

[Pyro]

After constant going back and forth I have come to the conclusion that regardless of what decision is made people are going to be left out from who I want to be there.

 

We have decided to hire a catering service and rent the clubhouse that is located in my moms condo village.

 

Depending on what company we get (deciding between 3) will depend on how many people will be included. The decision was made to invite the people who are closest to me(combination of friends and family) and of course the ones who CE likes.

 

I still have a few people at work who feel I should still invite everyone to the wedding, even those who will not be part of the meal, but I'm not so sure how they would react.

[melodymatters]

We have decided to hire a catering service and rent the clubhouse that is located in my moms condo village.

 

Depending on what company we get (deciding between 3) will depend on how many people will be included. The decision was made to invite the people who are closest to me(combination of friends and family) and of course the ones who CE likes.

 

.

 

 

THAT is a good, and cost effective idea ! Now since the catering company will factor in how many people you can invite, and you want to fit in as many as possible, don't forget that good friends or family members will be happy to contribute some of their favorite dishes.

 

We rented a condo clubhouse for my mom's 60th and though it was catered, many of us made extra stuff : I made a HUGE sushi platter.

 

Also, ask a close relative if their gift to you could be supplying the wine and beer. Then that's covered as well = being able to invite more people !

 

Good luck, VERY exciting ! ( if you two ever want to visit the disney parks in Florida, I'm buying a place an hour away, a few minutes to the beach, and you're officially invited to stay in the guest room !)

[Star Gazer]

We have decided to hire a catering service and rent the clubhouse that is located in my moms condo village.

 

That's what I did for my BFF's bridal shower - rented out my clubhouse. It's like a large Italian villa, with really nice decor, so it was really, really lovely. And it was only a refundable deposit, so it didn't cost a thing!

[Taramere]

This has been my thinking but Pyro has a large family, which he wants to invite, and he has a large circle of friends. If we are inviting everyone it's over 90 people. That's just the close friends and family. It's slightly over 50 minus the friends, which we are able to cover with a catered event. I think it's poor manners to invite people to the ceremony but not the after aspect of it. But, then his friends will be hurt at the lack of invite...

 

Would it be possible to have a sit down meal after the wedding, just for family and the bridal party...then have an evening reception in a function suite somewhere? Some places will lay on nibbles for free as long as they know there's going to be a good crowd there buying drinks.

[threebyfate]

After constant going back and forth I have come to the conclusion that regardless of what decision is made people are going to be left out from who I want to be there.

 

We have decided to hire a catering service and rent the clubhouse that is located in my moms condo village.

 

Depending on what company we get (deciding between 3) will depend on how many people will be included. The decision was made to invite the people who are closest to me(combination of friends and family) and of course the ones who CE likes.

 

I still have a few people at work who feel I should still invite everyone to the wedding, even those who will not be part of the meal, but I'm not so sure how they would react.

This is a great idea! If you want to cut cost by not having it catered, finger sandwiches, loaves and other types of goodies, can be premade, frozen and then defrosted.

 

Edit - The Safeway grocers where I live, do sandwich and other types of trays for pickup. Don't know if it's the same where you live.

Edited May 15, 2011 by threebyfate

[Citizen Erased]

Why such a rush.

 

Save up and have the wedding YOU WANT next year or even 6 months from now. Why skimp? Is there an important reason why you have to be hitched only a month after her arrival?

 

Slow down a bit and let things settle in, then make plans for a dream wedding.

 

Yes, there is a reason. We have three months to marry and apply for my greencard or I get sent back to Australia. I'm also unable to work until I have my greencard which is fine but will drive me nuts doing nothing.

 

You know what, it is turning out how we wanted.

[threebyfate]

Yes, there is a reason. We have three months to marry and apply for my greencard or I get sent back to Australia. I'm also unable to work until I have my greencard which is fine but will drive me nuts doing nothing.

 

You know what, it is turning out how we wanted.

For those of you who's green card radar starts whooping, Australia is not an economically depressed country. If anything, it's actually a better country to live in than the U.S., no offense intended to patriotic Americans.