wondering80 Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 My boyfriend of a little over two years and I moved in together in December 2010. Our relationship is great. Perfect by no means, we have small disagreements, but still great. We are both very much in love. Jan of this year he said he wanted to get married. It wasn't a proposal, just a statement. March a close couple friend of ours asked when we were getting married. He responded by saying "whenever she will let me, but she hasn't let me yet" Then he laughed. On our way home that day, I asked him when he wanted to get married. He got a little aggitated said he just wanted it to be special for him because he has never been married before. (I have been). He, also, asked me not to mention it again because he felt as if I was pushing him. I have only mentioned it when he has. Well this is May and he briefly mentioned it again last week. I told him "all you have to do is ask" and left it at that. Today he says we should sell my house and buy a home together. I told him we would talk about it when he got home (the convo was brief because he was at work) My first thoughts on the house thing is that is a big step to take without being married first. I currently own my home, but can understand him wanting a place that is "ours" My questions are: 1. Am I wrong to think purchasing a home together is a poor idea if we aren't married? 2. I'm in no rush to tie the knot, but why is he wanting it one minute, but wanting to wait the next? 3. Why is it when people ask when we are getting married, he responds in a way that sounds like I'm making him wait? Any advice would be great guys!....and ladies too! Sorry for the length and Thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I'm a female - Just anxiously awaiting a man to answer this. I'm totally stumped. What is this guy doing? Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 He`s scared. My best guess is he wants it but he`s scared. Marriage is terrifying for most guys for obvious reasons. Most women are unaware of the horror stories constantly told by married men to unmarried/engaged men. It`s really a big freaking commitment and quite honestly most men don`t need/want the "extra security" it provides. Truthfully when most men weigh the pros and cons of marriage for them personally the cons outweigh the pros. If and when they do it it`s usually a leap of faith for love. He sounds like he wants it and him bringing up the purchase of a house together gives you the perfect opportunity to "gently" let him know such a responsibility would be easier for you to undertake inside the committed foundation of a marriage. It actually sounds like you`re in a good place with him considering marriage. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 He`s scared. This would be my thought as well. He wants to marry you, it is just a little scary for him. He just may need a little more time to get to the point where he is ready to propose. 1. Am I wrong to think purchasing a home together is a poor idea if we aren't married? 2. I'm in no rush to tie the knot, but why is he wanting it one minute, but wanting to wait the next? 3. Why is it when people ask when we are getting married, he responds in a way that sounds like I'm making him wait? Any advice would be great guys!....and ladies too! Sorry for the length and Thank you in advance! 1. I don't blame you not wanting to buy a home prior to marriage. I wouldn't do that either. If you believe in your gut that it's not right, then don't do it. Just explain to him that you wish to wait until you are married to do that. 2. As I said above, he wants to get married, he is okay with thinking about it, but talking about it TOO much freaks him out a bit. 3. He probably doesn't want to look like an idiot that he is dragging his feet about marriage, so he is making it look like you are the one who wants to wait to save face. Kind of cowardly in my opinion, and not right. Overall, I would drop the marriage issue. If he brings it up, just make it clear that you want to get married, but be supportive of him doing it on his own time. Also, ask him in a respectful way to please stop telling people that you are the one making him wait, and that it makes you feel bad. Communication is very important and if he loves you then he will respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I acted this way for a couple months before I proposed to my wife, partly to throw her off and partly because I was nervous about the proposal. But if this behavior has been going on for a long period of time then I can't explain it other than he's weird. Link to post Share on other sites
xisnotx Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I'm in no rush to tie the knot, but why is he wanting it one minute, but wanting to wait the next? Are you insane? "whenever she will let me, but she hasn't let me yet" Let him marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 1. Am I wrong to think purchasing a home together is a poor idea if we aren't married? Well I don't know where you live, but I can tell you the UK law. If you are not married and you buy a house in joint names, no matter who pays what, you will each own 50%. If you split up then it doesn't matter who paid what or where the money came from... you each get 50%. If you are married then it DOES matter who put what in. If you divorce after a short marriage and don't have any children then you will each take out what you put in. So if you bought the house using money from your old place, even if the new house is in joint names, you will get your money back. I would never buy a home together before marriage, unless you're both putting in equal amounts of money. Or if you're funding it, put the new house in your sole name. Link to post Share on other sites
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myoung13 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 1) You are absolutely correct in not buying a house together. It is a financial nightmare without the commitment of marriage. 2) He probably wants to overall, but what would be the advantage right now? That is the problem with moving in together and sex before marriage. There is no real "reason" for a man to get married. He's getting everything he needs (so to speak ), without the commitment of marriage. With true courtship, the ultimate prize is winning your hand in marriage. The prize isn't as appealing or necessary when he already has most of the advantages of that prize. 3) I agree with lauriebell82, he's saving face. *I know #2 is very old-fashioned, but I really encourage you to keep an open mind and think about it for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I think I'll wait til the OP comes back from posting one time to answer or respond before adding my two cents. The holidays here may have kept her from being online... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 If I were in wondering's shoes, I'd be a little irritated that he's asking me to hang my @ss out on the line financially (unload my own MAJOR personal asset and invest the value of it into another asset owned jointly by him) - and yet he's "scared" to ask me to marry him??? Link to post Share on other sites
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