bcpmike Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 My fiance and I have been together for 19 months now. We are getting married in December. Her parents were very abusive, as was her ex-husband. Her mother abandoned her when she was a teenage for nine years. She is now back in the picture, and has a very controlling effect on her daughter's life. Her father was very submissive to her mother, and rarely stands up for himself. Her ex-husband used to lie and keep secrets from her. Recently, during conversations she has made comments suggesting that I am keeping things from her. We get in fights, and she says I am too angry and don't listen, but I feel like it is her old issues coming out and I am only standing up to her. (Something she did not see from her father.) It's as if she starts the arguement, and then complains because she doesn't like how I am arguing my side. She has also said after our arguements that she feels I am pulling away from her. She says she feels abandoned and left behind, but I have never given any indication that I wanted to leave. (Which I don't) There are some things that complicate matters. First, she has two young boys who I have become attached to, and are attached to me. Second, in the last month she has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Lupus. Sometimes I know that the arguements could be caused by the medications she is taking, causing her to become more emotional, but the things she is saying makes me believe that it is because of issues from her past. To be honest, the disease wouldn't concern me as much if I didn't think that the added stress and unhappiness from our arguements was also affecting her health. Her doctor has told us that stress and worry can trigger flareups of Lupus. Recently after a night-long arguement, she had to make a trip to the ER for chestpain. I feel horrible after it happens, but I feel it genuinely isn't my fault. My question is two-fold...Should we put off the marriage, even though I feel that these issues can be brought out through therapy which she has agreed to? Are abandonment issues and trust issues common from previous marriages and childhood? Can they be dealt with effectively through therapy? Thanks in advance... Link to post Share on other sites
zman Posted September 2, 2003 Share Posted September 2, 2003 Man, why are you planning to marry someone with all these issues and problems? Do you have any issues of your own? Like being attracted to women with lots of issues and problems?? Anyways, I would definately not wait to start therapy. I suspect that your gf needs a lot of individual therapy, and you could probably use some too. If you opt for couples therapy instead, it will probably expose personal individual issues you each have that need to be taken care of in individual therapy. I think therapy can work if you get a good therapist and you really want to change and get healed. But it takes a lot of work and a long time. You might not want to rush into marriage until you straighten things out first. Usually you want your relationship to be all fine and fairy tale like before marriage. If what you are experiencing now in your relationship is fairy tale like for both of you, I would hate to see what reality is going to be like!! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 2, 2003 Share Posted September 2, 2003 I wish I could answer all of your questions with answers that were certain. I can only answer one. Can they be dealt with effectively through therapy? The answer is YES, they can be dealt with. That should give you some hope. There is no guarantee that it will work with your fiance, but it is possible. I applaud you for staying with her through all of this - I know it can't be easy and I hope that you both find a good therapist to help you deal with shared problems, and that she finds a good therapist to help her with her own personal demons. My husband was severely abused and dealt with some pretty heavy baggage of his own. I also had some serious problems from my past that and I quickly realized that love wouldn't cure all and it took us many years of therapy to find peace, and we still need "refreshers" every few years it seems when sometimes we get so bogged down that we cannot remember how to deal with the problems. Link to post Share on other sites
sunnie23 Posted September 2, 2003 Share Posted September 2, 2003 i was adopted, and as a result now carry with me a severe fear of abandonment and trust issues. be patient with your fiance. be supportive in her getting help, as it sounds like you already are. give her reassurance that you love her because she's her, and that you don't have any plans to go anywhere. people with abandonment issues can be alot to handle. we need a lot fo attention and affection, and because most of us didn't get it from the people who were supposed to give it to us, we feel unloveable and look to our partners to deliver it all. it's a big job, and therapy is extremely helpful. good luck, sarah Link to post Share on other sites
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