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Poop or get off the pot!


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

 
 
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Old 3rd July 2010, 6:07 PM   #1
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Poop or get off the pot!

2 years ago my bf told me he wanted us to get married in 2 years. A few months later, he told me that he was going to pop the question 'soon'. I asked him how soon, and he said "probably in a couple weeks".

Here I sit, 2 years later, and still no proposal.

I asked him after a few months had passed whatever happened to that, and he said that he got really close, then scared himself and decided he didn't really care about getting married anymore. He has promised me that it has nothing to do with me, and he still wants to be with me and is 100% commited to me. We went through a bit of a rough patch at that time because of this, I told him that my ultimate goal was to get married, but not necessarily right away. I told him this was a decision that both of us had to make together, and if he was totally opposed to getting married ever to let me go, so I could find what I wanted. He told me he wanted to stay, and couldn't imagine himself with anyone else.

I tried to bring it up again recently, but he completely brushed me off. I asked him where he stood on the marriage thing now that we've given it 2 years, and he told me I was rushing him, but he was laughing about it. (we have now been together 3 years. I am 29, he's 27). I couldn't get a serious answer out of him.

Since he is the type of guy who pretty much handles every situation with a sense of humor, I have been trying to bring it up more in a joking sense. For example, he told me the other day that he bought a gift for me, so I asked if it fit on one of my fingers. He laughed and said, "yeah, it does". (turned out to be a Playstation game).

I don't know how to proceed with this. Is it effective to keep bringing the situation up in a lighthearted manner, or should I sit him down and have a serious discussion with him, and set some deadlines?
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Old 3rd July 2010, 6:14 PM   #2
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Didn't he already pass the deadline of 2 years?

His excuses are just that, excuses.

For some reason, he likes your company but doesn't want to marry you.

I'd walk because a man will gladly waste years of your life if you let him.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 6:16 PM   #3
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Attempting to bring it up in a jokey way so it fits with how he likes things to be is a bad idea. You need to be stronger with him. And didn't it upset you when he said yeah it fits on one finger then you found out it was a playstation? You need to be harder with him as right now he pretty much can see you are being a walkover about this. It sounds like he has more power in this R than you.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 7:37 PM   #4
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Yes, have a few serious conversations with him -- it's not going to get resolved in just one discussion. But only give ultimatums, er, set some deadlines *if* you are 100% sure that you will follow through if/when he does not capitulate. (Once ultimatums start getting delivered, it's also incumbent on the "giver" to poop or get off the pot.)

It might be beneficial for you to be very clear within yourself, of all your 'whys' of needing to be proposed to -- for your own clarity but also so that you can calmly and confidently convey to him why 'NOW' is the time that you need it.

I mean real reasons that are supported by your own values, passions, desires and long-term life goals. (Not just because it's been three years and/or "everyone" else is asking about it.)

Best of luck.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 8:20 PM   #5
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Well I'm a man so if I wanted to get married I would JUST ASK and if the girl said NO then I would probably BREAK UP.

As a woman I guess you go through the added pressure of having to wait to be asked.

I think you could validly say stuff like "I want to start having kids, but I want to be married first" and have a big talk and then RESPECTFULY with out blame break up with him.

Do you guys live togather?
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Old 3rd July 2010, 8:34 PM   #6
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As a woman I guess you go through the added pressure of having to wait to be asked.
Not at all...that's such a cute-antiquated notion that it made me smile, though

I asked him and later on that day - or maybe the next - pulled out a calendar and said, "Got any problems if we do it on <date>?" And that was that. Maybe 3 or 4 of months later, we went to an auction and ended up successful bidders for my engagement ring.

There's a trillion ways of doing it. Well...at least six.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 8:40 PM   #7
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Not at all...that's such a cute-antiquated notion that it made me smile, though

I asked him and later on that day - or maybe the next - pulled out a calendar and said, "Got any problems if we do it on <date>?" And that was that. Maybe 3 or 4 of months later, we went to an auction and ended up successful bidders for my engagement ring.

There's a trillion ways of doing it. Well...at least six.
I'd be very suprised if thats what the WOMEN on this thread said. Thats great that it all worked out for you though and if it sounds good to the OP why not.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 9:10 PM   #8
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I'd be very suprised if thats what the WOMEN on this thread said.
You got that I am a WOMAN, right? But I do agree with you -- it's also that we (women) ourselves are working from that same cute-antiquated paradigm. It would be great if we all, women and men, took one tiny step forward. IMHO. I keep hoping

As for the OP, yes, I do think it is time to be more assertive and speak up for her own current and authentic desires and needs.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 10:14 PM   #9
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Sarah- I don't see how walking away will do me any good. At this point, I have a man in my life whom I love, respect and who treats me like gold. If I walk away, I am no closer to the ultimate goal.

Ronni- Thank you for the insightful advice and personal experience.

Both of us come from very traditional backgrounds. Both sets of parents have been married over 25 years and hold very traditional roles within the family unit. Torrance mentioned that BF has more power in the relationship than I do, and I think to a certain extent this is true, but not in a bad way. It's the way I was raised. I am not completely subservient to him, however, I see us as having distinct roles in the relationship which make us work well as a unit.

The main reason I want to have this figured out now is that I own my own home and am established in my career. BF is in school for one more year, he lives in a cheap basement suite. Once he graduates and gets a career, we have envisioned buying a house together. I would like to make this purchase as husband and wife for both financial and emotional reasons.
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Old 3rd July 2010, 10:34 PM   #10
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Has it occurred to you that he may be waiting to get out of his basement suite before getting married?

If you guys tend toward traditional roles, it makes sense that he isn't ready to get married yet.

Guys like to have their "ducks in a row" before taking the plunge.

You own your house, he rents a basement apartment.
He's a little traditional.... See what I am getting at?
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Old 3rd July 2010, 10:36 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by konfuzd View Post
Here I sit, 2 years later, and still no proposal.
there will never be one
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Old 3rd July 2010, 10:57 PM   #12
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The main reason I want to have this figured out now is that I own my own home and am established in my career. BF is in school for one more year, he lives in a cheap basement suite. Once he graduates and gets a career, we have envisioned buying a house together. I would like to make this purchase as husband and wife for both financial and emotional reasons.
Actually...I'm not seeing that last part. Put another way, *IF* what you ALSO want is to wait until he graduates and gets a career so that you two can purchase the 'matrimonial home' together as a married couple...then what is the proverbial 'bee in your bonnet' about, now? You ALREADY know that it's going to take at least another year for the 'stars' to be lined up the way you BOTH want, yes? Realistically, longer than a year...if he is also to have a somewhat established career.

Quite honestly. I would suggest to explore, on your own (or with a therapist), those emotional reasons that you are harbouring -- reading 'tween the lines -- well, not even so much "between" them -- there may be something else going on -- some type of inner conflict/struggle. Uncertainties, doubts, questions...whatever they may be called.

Maybe it's not about pooping or getting off the pot...but something else entirely? Possibly it will be worth some self-reflection, if only to get clear about what you really do want your life to look like, for the next year and a bit beyond that.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Ronni_W; 3rd July 2010 at 10:59 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 3rd July 2010, 11:01 PM   #13
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D-Lish- He was living in the same place when he first got onto the marriage kick. I guess it could be part of it, but when I ask him, he really has no explanation. He simply says, "I don't know, I really wanted it then, but don't really care anymore"

Alpha- What makes you say that? He still plans his future around us. He was talking about moving to Northern Canada for his career. I told him I was not willing to move that far away, and he dropped it. He said it's not worth it if I wouldn't be with him. He always talks about how we are going to raise our children and growing old together, so what's so wrong about making it official?
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Old 3rd July 2010, 11:07 PM   #14
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He simply says, "I don't know, I really wanted it then, but don't really care anymore"
Generalizing like crazy (to match the crazy person that I am at heart and in mind): I think that sometimes men do say "I don't care" when they feel any kind of pressure with which they're not yet ready to deal. I think that they like to think that they have have "the answer" but, absent that thought, they'd MUCH rather say, "I don't care" than "I don't know."
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Old 3rd July 2010, 11:09 PM   #15
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GOOD GRIEF! Why the hesitation? I dispute the 100% commited comment.

What will it mean when you finally do get married? That now he's sure he loves you enough to be married? That now he's sure something better isn't coming along so he might as well.

This would make me angry. Serious talk with serious emotions involved (not detached robot conversation or flip humor) are in order or you aren't serious either. This is your life! You should be having a 3rd or 4th anniversary with someone who always knew that they couldn't live without you!
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