Don't want to be in her wedding party...

[D-Lish]

I really don't know how to handle my current situation with a long-term friend of mine. I've been close with a girl for over 11 years- well, we were close up until about 5 years ago when she got into a relationship and dropped off the face of the earth. About 8 months ago she left her bf and we re-connected. Suddenly, she meets someone new, and within 4 1/2 months- she's engaged and has asked me to be in her wedding party.

 

Here's my dilemma... I have loads of resentment over being cast aside when she met a guy and simply disappeared from my life. For almost 4 years we had fleeting contact- and while I was going through the most difficult time of my life- losing my business, my loft, my life basically- she just wasn't available. I remember on the weekend I was clearing my things out of my store, she called me to pick her up from a bar because she'd had a fight with her bf and wanted to get out of there. I went to her- and she didn't even ask if I was doing okay. I was going bankrupt, losing everything I had worked for- and all she ever wanted to talk about was "her relationship"... She never used to ask how I was doing, and if I did bring it up, she would get awkward and switch the subject back to herself.

 

I feel like we had just started getting to know one another again- then boom- she meets some guy and she's getting married and wants me to stand up with her.

 

I have been so incredibly busy starting my new job- I have a huge amount of responsibility, and at the moment I am working about 60hrs per week. I take one day off and I spend a lot of that time doing work from home. I am just trying to carve my way. She is furious with me over not giving her enough attention with regard to her engagement (it's been 2 weeks).

 

I have realized within the past couple days that I don't think I want to stand up with her, my heart isn't in it. I just don't feel the same about our friendship as I used to- I think it's too damaged.

 

She text me the other day to go to her wedding venue and help her come up with decorations, etc...But it was short notice and I had a work meeting. She sent me a curt response saying she didn't feel like I wanted to be in her wedding party. I realized that she is probably right.

 

We haven't spoken since her angry response. I realized during my rough period when she was absent that I was always the friend that dropped everything to be there for her, and she was never going to be the friend that would ever do that for me. I have this fear that I am going to do everything to make her wedding wonderful and then she is going to get married and then do what she always does and disappear.

 

When we started talking again, I feel like we glossed over a lot of our issues, then BAM, she's with a new guy and engaged and I'm being asked to invest in her yet again without fully sorting things out. I obviously have loads of resentment to work through.

 

I'm really on the fence about whether or not to sit down with her and hash things out, or walk away. It's really hard to jump into supportive friend mode when I am still so hurt over how she abandoned me the one time I needed her the most.

 

I am asking for help because I want to hear other people's perspective on the matter. I don't want to make a rash decision because if I bow out of being in her wedding party, our friendship will be over for good.

 

I don't know what to do:(.

 

Thanks for listening.

[EricaH329]

Oh D, i'm so sorry you are going through this!! I can't imagine how torn you must be!

 

If I were in that situation, I think I would sit down with her and talk about everything. After all, if you are going to take her back as a friend, I think you should either fully invest yourself, or step back.

 

Tell her how much everything she has done has hurt you. Be honest, and let her know that you are having a difficult time between deciding whether or not it's appropriate to be in her wedding party, considering what has happened.

 

If, after the talk, you don't feel any more convinced, i'd bow out. However, if you feel as though you can put it all behind you (if she genuinely feels terrible), then i'd take it from there.

[skydiveaddict]

D: you must talk this out with her. You two could still be friends if you do. Other wise you'll never know. I know you got messed over during this time, but see if a face to face will clear the air.

[D-Lish]

Oh D, i'm so sorry you are going through this!! I can't imagine how torn you must be!

 

If I were in that situation, I think I would sit down with her and talk about everything. After all, if you are going to take her back as a friend, I think you should either fully invest yourself, or step back.

 

Tell her how much everything she has done has hurt you. Be honest, and let her know that you are having a difficult time between deciding whether or not it's appropriate to be in her wedding party, considering what has happened.

 

If, after the talk, you don't feel any more convinced, i'd bow out. However, if you feel as though you can put it all behind you (if she genuinely feels terrible), then i'd take it from there.

 

Thanks E,

 

I know we need to have a sit down talk about things. It's hard because she is in bride-zilla mode already after only 2 weeks of being engaged.

 

I just don't want to blow off the friendship and walk away, then regret it in a couple of months. I am angry right now because she's been so demanding of my attention. I am actually glad she isn't talking to me at the moment because it gives me some space to think things through.

 

I'll be honest, she's the type of girl that doesn't see things out of her own bubble. In the past, trying to discuss issues always turns into her getting defensive and then bawling her eyes out. Obviously, she has some good qualities, or I wouldn't have re-connected with her- but she can be crazy selfish too.

 

The morning she text me about being engaged I was on the road and didn't get the message until I reached my destination a couple hours later. The first text announced the engagement, the second was wondering how I could hear her news and not respond, the third was "is everything okay with you, I am shocked you haven't said anything", the last was "I guess you don't care about me"... Jaysus, I was driving the whole time... That set things off on a bad note for me.

[D-Lish]

D: you must talk this out with her. You two could still be friends if you do. Other wise you'll never know. I know you got messed over during this time, but see if a face to face will clear the air.

 

Hi Sky,

 

I know we need to talk, I am just not the kind of person that wants to chat when I am angry- I like to hang back and think about things before saying something I'll regret.

 

I WILL talk to her- I just have so much to say, and I am so upset, I want to be more grounded before having that face to face and spilling my feelings.

[Star Gazer]

I think people ask those who mean the most to them to be in their wedding party. They don't necessarily think about whether they mean a lot to you. Ya know?

 

And this broad is just going over the top (the 4 texts while you were driving thing).

 

Quite honestly, I'd talk to her and explain that I didn't feel up for the responsibility of being in her bridal party.

[bluewolf17]

Sorry this has come up.Sounds like you are there when she needs you, and never the other way around. We call this an emotional vampire, they suck everything out of you, and leave you nothing.

 

While she may be a sweet girl, and just not know how bad of a friend she is being, maybe it's time to cut your losses. Sounds like you have a busy and good life going, and you need to figure out if you want her in it or not.

 

I wish you the best, it's not an easy thing to do. I cut out a friend like this after a 10 year friendship. She did close to the same thing to me. And you know what? It hurt me more than her. The bottom line is your case may be like mine was. You have more invested in it than she does, and you care more.

 

If you feel ignored and left behind, chances are it's because you have been. Talk it out with her and tell her how you feel. Then tell us how it went.

 

Good luck.

[D-Lish]

Sorry this has come up.Sounds like you are there when she needs you, and never the other way around. We call this an emotional vampire, they suck everything out of you, and leave you nothing.

 

While she may be a sweet girl, and just not know how bad of a friend she is being, maybe it's time to cut your losses. Sounds like you have a busy and good life going, and you need to figure out if you want her in it or not.

 

I wish you the best, it's not an easy thing to do. I cut out a friend like this after a 10 year friendship. She did close to the same thing to me. And you know what? It hurt me more than her. The bottom line is your case may be like mine was. You have more invested in it than she does, and you care more.

 

If you feel ignored and left behind, chances are it's because you have been. Talk it out with her and tell her how you feel. Then tell us how it went.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks Blue, you said something that made sense and it hit home for me. It's where you said she may be a sweet girl that just doesn't get it. That hit home because she does have sweet qualities- but she often just doesn't "get it". I have historically dropped everything to run to her side, but it took me almost 10 years to realize she's never do the same for me, ever.

 

I can't get it out of my mind that I am going to participate in her wedding and then lose touch with her because she's going to go caving again.

[Ariadne]

It's really hard to jump into supportive friend mode when I am still so hurt over how she abandoned me the one time I needed her the most.

I don't know what to do:(.

 

Hey D-Lish,

 

I think you are going to have to talk to her heart to heart and tell her all this stuff..

 

Otherwise you are going to resent her even more and not end up friends with her.

 

Good luck and good going with the job.

[Ariadne]

I'll be honest, she's the type of girl that doesn't see things out of her own bubble. In the past, trying to discuss issues always turns into her getting defensive and then bawling her eyes out.

 

Btw,

 

If she is getting married you can expect her to become more demanding and self-centered.

 

If you have issues with her this is a bad time for you to get what you need.

 

Don't have too much hope.

[Maxxx]

I really don't know how to handle my current situation with a long-term friend of mine. I've been close with a girl for over 11 years- well, we were close up until about 5 years ago when she got into a relationship and dropped off the face of the earth. About 8 months ago she left her bf and we re-connected. Suddenly, she meets someone new, and within 4 1/2 months- she's engaged and has asked me to be in her wedding party.

 

Here's my dilemma... I have loads of resentment over being cast aside when she met a guy and simply disappeared from my life. For almost 4 years we had fleeting contact- and while I was going through the most difficult time of my life- losing my business, my loft, my life basically- she just wasn't available. I remember on the weekend I was clearing my things out of my store, she called me to pick her up from a bar because she'd had a fight with her bf and wanted to get out of there. I went to her- and she didn't even ask if I was doing okay. I was going bankrupt, losing everything I had worked for- and all she ever wanted to talk about was "her relationship"... She never used to ask how I was doing, and if I did bring it up, she would get awkward and switch the subject back to herself.

 

I feel like we had just started getting to know one another again- then boom- she meets some guy and she's getting married and wants me to stand up with her.

 

I have been so incredibly busy starting my new job- I have a huge amount of responsibility, and at the moment I am working about 60hrs per week. I take one day off and I spend a lot of that time doing work from home. I am just trying to carve my way. She is furious with me over not giving her enough attention with regard to her engagement (it's been 2 weeks).

 

I have realized within the past couple days that I don't think I want to stand up with her, my heart isn't in it. I just don't feel the same about our friendship as I used to- I think it's too damaged.

 

She text me the other day to go to her wedding venue and help her come up with decorations, etc...But it was short notice and I had a work meeting. She sent me a curt response saying she didn't feel like I wanted to be in her wedding party. I realized that she is probably right.

 

We haven't spoken since her angry response. I realized during my rough period when she was absent that I was always the friend that dropped everything to be there for her, and she was never going to be the friend that would ever do that for me. I have this fear that I am going to do everything to make her wedding wonderful and then she is going to get married and then do what she always does and disappear.

 

When we started talking again, I feel like we glossed over a lot of our issues, then BAM, she's with a new guy and engaged and I'm being asked to invest in her yet again without fully sorting things out. I obviously have loads of resentment to work through.

 

I'm really on the fence about whether or not to sit down with her and hash things out, or walk away. It's really hard to jump into supportive friend mode when I am still so hurt over how she abandoned me the one time I needed her the most.

 

I am asking for help because I want to hear other people's perspective on the matter. I don't want to make a rash decision because if I bow out of being in her wedding party, our friendship will be over for good.

 

I don't know what to do:(.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

I would tell her look you ditched me when I needed you most I am not going to be in the wedding

[Mary3]

I could have wrote you post word for word .

 

Exact same scenario.

 

My friend forgot all about me for her insecure clingy bf.

 

Things never ever returned to normal when she did not make an effor to see me for 8 months .

 

In my case , her selfishness killed the friendship for me ( just like your friend who forgot about you ) and now they want some attention with the wedding.

 

My heart would not be in it either.

[quankanne]

I'd give my regrets and say there's no way you can be in the wedding. And leave it at that. My guess is that she's going to ditch you for not jumping on the wagon immediately ... and that's not necessarily a bad thing, considering how she's treated you over the years.

 

wish her well, then wash your hands of her ... this woman is not what you need in a friend, and you're better off getting out of the relationship while you can ...

[curiousnycgirl]

I'd give my regrets and say there's no way you can be in the wedding. And leave it at that. My guess is that she's going to ditch you for not jumping on the wagon immediately ... and that's not necessarily a bad thing, considering how she's treated you over the years.

 

wish her well, then wash your hands of her ... this woman is not what you need in a friend, and you're better off getting out of the relationship while you can ...

 

Essentially I agree with quank here - however I think you can bow out graciously and then see what heppens later. Tell her youwould love to stand up for her, but you really cannot give her the time and attention she deserves at this time, nor can you afford the whole bridal party thing.

 

Give how demanding she's been, that should do the trick

[Mary3]

I'd give my regrets and say there's no way you can be in the wedding. And leave it at that. My guess is that she's going to ditch you for not jumping on the wagon immediately ... and that's not necessarily a bad thing, considering how she's treated you over the years.

 

wish her well, then wash your hands of her ... this woman is not what you need in a friend, and you're better off getting out of the relationship while you can ...

 

Beaaaaaautifully Spoken !

[Mary3]

Essentially I agree with quank here - however I think you can bow out graciously and then see what heppens later. Tell her youwould love to stand up for her, but you really cannot give her the time and attention she deserves at this time, nor can you afford the whole bridal party thing.

Give how demanding she's been, that should do the trick

 

Exactly. I wonder if she realizes the cost for the Bridesmaid/Matron of Honor plus wedding gifts and shower presents ?

[sally4sara]

I've been a bridesmaid many many times, often the maid of honor. Out of the six times I've pulled this duty, I can think of only one time where the bridal party was chosen because they were the most cherished friends the bride had. The only time I was not in the bridal party (I was huge and pregnant:p) I still did more than the girls in the bridal party. I made the veil, organized the shower and did the wedding flowers.

All the other times, it was about who they knew they could count on and who would look the best in the photos. And lets face it D-lish, you are pretty and slim - you will look great in the album.

 

This girl has reason to believe you will be her rock because you've always prioritized her needs as your friend in the past. I'm not saying she is an evil witch out to use you, but you've let her use you without asking for much in return. We are just as responsible for how we let people treat us as they are for the manner in which they treat us. Could be you tend to avoid conflict and she tends to take advantage of folks? The two of you might just be a toxic blend.

 

If you don't want to be a part of this, just bow out. She was absent from your life for many years so you already know you can do fine (perhaps even be better off) without her should she turn away from you over this.

[Leia]

Some friendships are not meant to be saved. This is one of it. How would you know if things will be better after the talk? And after the talk, if things worked out well ~ how would you know she wouldn't disappear after you have helped her with the wedding?

 

This is too much, D. What's with the messages anyway? Insecure/selfish much?

 

I've been in the same situation with my best friend and we talked it through but it isn't the same anymore cos now she's back to being busy and it's all about her. It is always about her. It has always been about her.

 

Color me negative but I don't see how people like your friend or my best friend will ever change.

[Mary3]

Some friendships are not meant to be saved. This is one of it. How would you know if things will be better after the talk? And after the talk, if things worked out well ~ how would you know she wouldn't disappear after you have helped her with the wedding?

 

This is too much, D. What's with the messages anyway? Insecure/selfish much?

 

I've been in the same situation with my best friend and we talked it through but it isn't the same anymore cos now she's back to being busy and it's all about her. It is always about her. It has always been about her.

 

Color me negative but I don't see how people like your friend or my best friend will ever change.

 

True ! ............so true ............

[D-Lish]

I could have wrote you post word for word .

 

Exact same scenario.

 

My friend forgot all about me for her insecure clingy bf.

 

Things never ever returned to normal when she did not make an effor to see me for 8 months .

 

In my case , her selfishness killed the friendship for me ( just like your friend who forgot about you ) and now they want some attention with the wedding.

 

My heart would not be in it either.

 

I know it's not in it, and a part of me feels bad- but the gracious part of me wonders if I am being an ass. I believe that everyone getting married deserves to have someone stand up for them that really wants to support them. I am not convinced I can do that for her this time.

 

I used to enjoy supporting her- but it got tiresome when it was never reciprocated. It's hard being the rock all the time. I feel like she actually resented me when I lost everything because my needs all of a sudden got in the way of taking care of hers... (if that makes sense).

 

Some friendships are not meant to be saved. This is one of it. How would you know if things will be better after the talk? And after the talk, if things worked out well ~ how would you know she wouldn't disappear after you have helped her with the wedding?

 

This is too much, D. What's with the messages anyway? Insecure/selfish much?

 

I've been in the same situation with my best friend and we talked it through but it isn't the same anymore cos now she's back to being busy and it's all about her. It is always about her. It has always been about her.

 

Color me negative but I don't see how people like your friend or my best friend will ever change.

 

I don't think they do change. My gf is 32- and she's the same needy girl as she was when she was 21. I think we gravitated toward one another initially because she liked being needy and I enjoyed being needed- it was strangely reciprocal in that sense. WHen the tables were turned and I needed her (more than ever)- she couldn't step up to the plate.

 

As I have said, we've addressed this in the past, and she will make an effort for a bit, but she will regress after a couple weeks.

 

I really do have a ton of resentment, I don't remember the last time I talked to her about what was happening in my life- it's just not something I discuss with her anymore- because it either ends in judgement, or changing the subject back to her.

 

She is full on not speaking to me now- and I am letting it go for the time being. I think I really need a cooling off period before getting into it with her.

[threebyfate]

Essentially I agree with quank here - however I think you can bow out graciously and then see what heppens later. Tell her youwould love to stand up for her, but you really cannot give her the time and attention she deserves at this time, nor can you afford the whole bridal party thing.

 

Give how demanding she's been, that should do the trick

I agree with the bolded portion.

 

Since she's not speaking to you right now, let it lie. If she comes back to you, pretending or suggesting that you're still in the wedding party, do the above.

 

She knew you were going through a harsh time in your life and did nothing for you. You're way too kind, D. But at the same time, that's why we all love ya' for it.

[Ariadne]

Here someone asks this question to an Enlightened Master:

 

Dear Swamiji,

 

I have loved and been betrayed twice already in my life. How can I trust and love again?

 

(

) Edited June 11, 2010 by Ariadne

[D-Lish]

I agree with the bolded portion.

 

Since she's not speaking to you right now, let it lie. If she comes back to you, pretending or suggesting that you're still in the wedding party, do the above.

 

She knew you were going through a harsh time in your life and did nothing for you. You're way too kind, D. But at the same time, that's why we all love ya' for it.

 

I think that's the best way to handle it. I know if I bow out, the friendship is done, no turning back. That's why I am thankful for some time apart so I can think things through rationally. I am not sure I am going to hear from her again after our last exchange (in which I did say we needed to talk first).

 

She really didn't even give me time to breathe before responding to her initially... And when I got to my destination and the texts got progressively more angry- I just saw red.

 

I'm not feeling too kind at the moment:o

[Jilly Bean]

if I bow out of being in her wedding party, our friendship will be over for good.

 

And this would be a bad thing, why?

 

She sounds like an emotional vampire, D. Frankly, I don't see what you get out of this "friendship".

 

I'd take a pass. Otherwise you will be mondo resentful going through this process.

[threebyfate]

I think that's the best way to handle it. I know if I bow out, the friendship is done, no turning back. That's why I am thankful for some time apart so I can think things through rationally. I am not sure I am going to hear from her again after our last exchange (in which I did say we needed to talk first).

 

She really didn't even give me time to breathe before responding to her initially... And when I got to my destination and the texts got progressively more angry- I just saw red.

 

I'm not feeling too kind at the moment

Then hold onto your unkindness since it's well deserved. She freaked on you for no reason and has shown you that it's always about her. Until she realizes that a friendship is a two-way street, she's not someone to hold onto. You're not to be used.

 

I've had people who have used me. Sayonara! Nothing says lovin' like a swift kick to the arse.