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Wants to live together before being engaged


VikingPrincess

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VikingPrincess

I've been dating my boyfriend for 14 months now. He had his roomie move out and I don't care for my living situation. He asked me to move in saying it was the step before marriage. I had already made it clear in conversations past this was not going to happen and that it would be a compromise for me to even live together before marriage. Bit of background I am 33, he is 37..no kids no prior marriages etc....

He has said he wants to marry me and says it will happen faster if we live together?! This puzzles me and I am hesitant to uproot my life to live together. That is stressful in itself and I want to be in the psychological mindset this is forever and this stuff is ours before I go through that.

So I want to hear from people that did not live together, at least until being engaged...what do you think?

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SuburbanOblivion

Marriage will happen faster if you live together?????????

 

(pardon me while I pick myself up off the floor and wipe away the tears from laughing so hard...)

 

How dumb does this guy think you are?

 

Living together does not mean a proposal will come faster. In fact it will come considerably slower (if it comes at all) if you compromise your principles on this. Once you move in, he's got you. He knows you won't move out unless you are breaking up with him, as evidenced by the umpteen women here complaining that they've been living with someone however many years and he still won't marry them.

 

Why buy the cow when the milk is being delivered to your doorstep for free?

 

I guess there is nothing wrong with living together before marriage if that's your thing, but clearly you are not ok with it, and if marriage is your ultimate goal, don't buy the excuse of it will come faster, because I think even you realize it won't.

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Of course don't live with him before marriage!

 

Tell him marriage will happen much faster when he proposes to you!!

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VikingPrincess

Agreed with both posts. He seems to think it will bring him more security and we can be together more. I was like ya security for you, not for me! I feel there would be more pressure to get married if we lived together. He is of the opposite mindset. Again this is just confusing so I am sticking to my guns here about waiting. I don't want to rush to move in together just because of the situation.

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Disagree with all the above posts.

 

I would never ever marry someone without living together first.

 

If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I damn well better have a perfect understanding of what life with that person is going to be like.

 

Why buy the cow if I don't know what the milk tastes like?

Edited by Enema
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I don't want to rush to move in together just because of the situation.
Exactly. You should never move in out of convenience. So what if his roommate moved out? Clearly, it's convenient for him to move you right in because he needs a roommate for some reason, but how is uprooting your life to do something you don't want to do convenient for you?

 

And why does a 37 year old man have a roommate?

 

I wouldn't move in with him. You're 33, and if you want to get married and start a family, moving in with him will likely have you back here in a couple of years saying you want to start a family and he's "not ready" to propose yet. And why should he be? If he has you in his home, he's got all he wants.

 

Men who really want to marry you, propose. Men who don't really want to, invite you to move in. A 37 year old man who just lost his roommate is looking for convenience in sharing the bills, and hey, great, a live-in lover, too!

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He has said he wants to marry me and says it will happen faster if we live together?!

thats a bunch of baloney. once you move in he'll be thinking why he should buy the cow when he's already getting the milk for free

 

not to say you're a cow but you get the idea

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Butterflying

I've lived with two different guys in the past, both of whom I was engaged to at some point. Living together allowed us to see aspects of each other that we couldn't live with, which led to breaking up. Of course, without marriage, we didn't have to worry about getting divorced later on.

 

Because of this experience, I think it's a good idea to live together first before getting married. However, I would only do this "AFTER" we have gotten engaged and set a wedding date. This way, you both know what to expect.

 

During this time, if you decide you're not good living together, then you can cancel the wedding, move out, and move on with your life. You won't end up like my aunt who has been living with her boyfriend for 25 years waiting for him to propose. They've raised two children. She's 48. He's 57, and guess what... she still wants to get married. He doesn't.

 

If you want to get married, and he hasn't proposed; living together is not going to encourage him to do that. In fact, like many other posters have said, he will get too comfortable and may never propose.

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Joe Normal

A compromise is move in but say you will move out in 6 months, or 12 months (take your pick) if it's not working out and he hasn't proposed. Or do what Butterflying suggested - set an engagement date before you move in, then one of you has to actively call it off. I still think it's worth living together while you are engaged, you never know someone until you have lived with them for a few months.

 

What you have to avoid, if you want marriage, is moving in and then time drifts past and he doesn't propose because he sees no reason to. An ultimatum is the only real way to force the issue. But arguably you shouldn't marry someone you have to give an ultimatum to.

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VikingPrincess

He has had roommates because he has lived in the house for a while and is now looking for a house of his own to buy.

I couldn't marry a guy I verbally gave an ultimatum to.

And Norajane I agree...if he wants to marry me he will have to gather the courage to ask. I'm pulling back for a while now because I think it's kind of crappy he has been pressuring me so much to move in. I would never pressure him like that to get engaged!

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He has had roommates because he has lived in the house for a while and is now looking for a house of his own to buy.

 

So now he wants you to be his roommate so you can contribute to his savings for his house? Why all the pressure otherwise?

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Lauriebell82

I see the good side and bad side of this.

 

I lived with an ex boyfriend whom I wanted to marry. We were going to get engaged as soon as we both finished school. Needless to say I am SO glad I lived with him because I uncovered a lot of things that I had no idea about him. He was just horrible to live with and I would have been miserable had I married him. So in that aspect it saved me from a lifetime of unhappiness.

 

This is my second time living together and am now engaged. We lived together for a year before getting engaged. I felt like I was going crazy and was even scared that he wouldn't propose BECAUSE we were living together. That was not the case though, as he told me later that him waitng had nothing to do with us living together, he would have waited a year no matter what. Living together prior to marriage doesn't hurt your chances of being married as long as it's with a guy who wants to get married and to YOU someday. A lot of guys don't propose, not because they are living together but because they either don't want to get married or dont want to marry their SO.

 

I don't know about his theory that "you will get engaged faster" and that sounds like he is trying to make some deal with you. In this circumstance I would advise you to not move in with him until you are engaged. That's what you want and you may end up resenting him if you do cave and live with him before engagement

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Lauriebell82
A compromise is move in but say you will move out in 6 months, or 12 months (take your pick) if it's not working out and he hasn't proposed. Or do what Butterflying suggested - set an engagement date before you move in, then one of you has to actively call it off. I still think it's worth living together while you are engaged, you never know someone until you have lived with them for a few months.

 

What you have to avoid, if you want marriage, is moving in and then time drifts past and he doesn't propose because he sees no reason to. An ultimatum is the only real way to force the issue. But arguably you shouldn't marry someone you have to give an ultimatum to.

 

PLEASE do not do this OP!!!!

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He has had roommates because he has lived in the house for a while and is now looking for a house of his own to buy.

I couldn't marry a guy I verbally gave an ultimatum to.

And Norajane I agree...if he wants to marry me he will have to gather the courage to ask. I'm pulling back for a while now because I think it's kind of crappy he has been pressuring me so much to move in. I would never pressure him like that to get engaged!

 

You are one smart cookie.

 

It seems he is looking for you to foot the bill for his investment. Yeah what if you had pressured him like that to get married? He wouldn't like it either.

 

Stick to your guns and I would even be stepping back a bit further to see what is really going on here.

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PLEASE do not do this OP!!!!

 

I second this, imo Joe Normal's advice is horrible.

 

But then, I'm a woman who moved in with the man I want to marry after only 6-7 months of dating :love:

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When the ring is on your finger and the hall is rented and the chapel booked, then, and only then, consider cohabitation. This means you're clearly and firmly engaged to be married and the wedding is nigh. Personally, I agree with your first instinct, living together only after marriage, and did so in my own. TBH, none of the 'living together' stuff surprised me at all, and I had never lived with anyone, ever. I knew stbx and her 'habits' well enough over the 18 months prior to marriage.

 

'I'm looking forward to living with you and raising our children together after we're married' EOS. Good luck :)

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VikingPrincess

He already has money for a down payment on a house.

 

What bothers me most is that we talked about this again yesterday and I said that I am stuck at my current place until at least the end of June anyways and I wouldn't want to lose my deposit. He said he would wait for me. Well I still said no and asked why he was in such a hurry for a roommate replacement when he could just wait to see what happens in a month or two. He said that was pressure! So he would rather deal with asking someone to leave possibly etc if we got engaged? He has already said he wants to marry me so really....huh?

Men please help me out here?

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To put it bluntly, he just wants you around for convenience, so he doesn't have to 'date' you. Path of least resistance. Up to you whether you want to be that path or not.

 

The other side of the coin is would you be attracted to a man who wanted to wait until marriage for cohabitation. Is it possible that this dynamic is part of what drives your attraction? Qualities he possesses because of, or adjunct to, this mindset. Something to think about. Would a man who listened to you, resolved these issues mutually and with respect to your boundaries be one you would feel impassioned about marrying?

 

Interesting ;)

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Make a compromise.

 

Agree to move in if he puts a ring on your finger and sets a date.

 

I for one would never marry anyone I haven`t lived with.

 

No way.

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aerogurl87

I used to say I'd never live with a guy before being married or engaged primarily because of what I saw happen to my sister. Her and her boyfriend have been dating 5 years or so. 3 years ago they had a son together and every year around January or her birthday, he promises her they'll go look for rings before finding some excuse to either 1) back out of it or 2) he breaks up with her temporarily. I'm not looking to end up like that, but I digress.

 

If you really don't want to live together before marriage or being engaged with a set date, then don't move in with him. And to the sounds of it, it sounds like he has the wrong reasoning for wanting you to move in. He just wants a roommate so he can continue to save for his future house as he had been doing. Also him using the whole "we'll be married quicker if you move in now" as a bargaining chip would turn me off big time. But that's just me.

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Make a compromise.

 

Agree to move in if he puts a ring on your finger and sets a date.

engagements are meant to be broken

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Crazy Magnet

I wish I would have lived with the exH before we got married because I would never have married him! I would have been able to see through his lies right away rather than having to piece them together after marriage. I personally would never get married again without living with a man first.

 

I'm not sure about this "getting married faster" bit. That doesn't make any sense. Have you asked him what he means by that? Or asked him what he has in mind for an engagement time line? My BF and I do plan to move in together when my lease is up, and we've had a lot of very frank discussions about what we are both expecting once that takes place. Communication is the key!

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Opheliaimmortal

I think that you should live with the person you want to end up marrying for a while beforehand, it gives you an idea of what life will be like after the wedding.

 

It seems to me that most people who are against it are being a bit paranoid. I can see where he is coming from, and its not because he does not want to marry you, or wants to put it off. Give the guy a chance if you seem to love him enough to marry him.

 

Don't be obsessed with the wedding and setting the date, be happy that he wants to spend his life with you, and obviously wants it to start as soon as possible. I fail to see how so many people immediately view it with suspicion and as a bad thing.

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I fail to see how so many people immediately view it with suspicion and as a bad thing.

 

Because so many people get stuck in the trap of "we've been living together x years and he still won't propose!"

 

Once you have changed your life around to move in with someone who is not committed to you like he would be if he wanted to marry you, but you are already committed to him like in a marriage because you already want to marry him, then it becomes a years long audition for you. He already has what he wants (you living with him), but you do not have what you want (a commitment to marriage). That can only breed resentment and angst.

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Not living together before marriage is foolish. The actual daily grind of cohabitating with someone is a FAR different proposition than just dating. It is the day-in, day-out experience of living together that can destroy marriages. Better to find out if you are compatible now than after marriage, when the whole thing becomes a legal nightmare.

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