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8 years, marriage on the horizon, and doubt sets in

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Old 22nd April 2010, 4:12 AM   #1
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8 years, marriage on the horizon, and doubt sets in

I have been with my now fiance for 8 years. We have lived together for most of this. We have been through some tough times, but always managed to pull through. She pressured me into getting engaged, but I did it on my own time. We are both in our mid-20s.

There are days when I know why I stay with her, and there are days where I wonder why things aren't working out the way I had hoped. On a perfect day, we got engaged. Perhaps, regardless of the pressure applied.

Over time, I feel I have grown apart from her. I know she loves me deeply but I am having a hard time accepting she is 'the one'.

I know I have some flaws that negatively impact our relationship and I do try and work on them. The progress is at times slow, sometimes a standstill, but there is always an effort being applied to improve, and through it, help our relationship.

For example, I gained some weight, and was no longer the stunningly handsome man (in her eyes!). I hit the gym, lost the weight, and I am building a healthy fit body. In contrast to this, she has let herself go completely, she sometimes goes to the gym, but does not put any effort behind it, and I've tried things like going with her, etc. Always excuses, 'I am tired', etc.

I guess I imagine a more stereotypical wife that would cook nutritious meals for dinner, clean around the house, etc. except I'd be the less stereotypical husband and help clean the house, let her visit her friends while I re-organize the whole house, pamper her for being so good to me, etc. I'd imagine spice between the sheets that would leave me with fond memories to reminisce on when I am old and frail.

I feel that she needs to prove to me that she is made of wife material. To me, this means putting more effort into herself, her body, our family life, and our love life. To show me that the rest of our lives, will be better, not the same or worse, then it is now.

The next logical step in our relationship is marriage, I do not go down that road lightly, and I know right now I would not go down that road based on how I feel. I will not set a date, which is of course, is very important to her.

I am at a loss. I don't even know where to begin.
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Old 22nd April 2010, 6:58 AM   #2
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Then whatever you do, don't get married!! The whole point of tying the knot is believing with all your heart and soul that your life would be infinitely better with her by your side, for the rest of your life. Clearly you are not believing that.

If you are not 100% all in, it would be a disaster for you to marry her, no matter how great she is.

Getting married does not solve any of your relationship problems - quite the opposite, it magnifies them tenfold.
"I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." -Albert Einstein
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Old 22nd April 2010, 3:11 PM   #3
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IMO, if she was "the one", you would have gotten engaged a long time ago, and you wouldn't have felt pressured. You'd have done it happily on your own accord.

Things will not get better once you get married. So if you are not happy with the way things are now, either work with your fiancee to change them so you both are happy, or cut off the engagement.

People grow apart all the time. You need to determine if this is what that is, and if you can grow together. If not, it's best to discover that now instead of after you are legally obligated.

Last edited by jthorne; 22nd April 2010 at 3:14 PM..
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Old 24th April 2010, 11:04 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Dreamers View Post
I don't even know where to begin.
Sorry to disagree with you but I believe that you know EXACTLY where to begin - you just haven't found your courage or nerve to face/acknowledge it yet.
Put another way, if you were to follow nothing but your own heart, instinct and inner longing...where would you begin?

THAT'S what you gotta do. Now. Because there is no point in waiting.

Hugs, and best of luck.
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Old 24th April 2010, 11:18 PM   #5
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You sound like a man who just doesn't want to marry, period. I think all your complaints about your GF are just a front to hide the fact you don;t want to marry anybody right now. Maybe not ever. BTW, This woman is your GF, not your fiance. An engagement that goes on for years is no engagement at all.

It is not unsual not to want to marry at your age. Sadly, it sounds like you and your GF are not at all on the same page about what you want. If I were you, I'd stop stringing her along. End it.
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Old 25th April 2010, 2:22 AM   #6
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I have been there, done that.

What it is is that you are comfortable with this person although if you could snap your fingers you would rather be with someone else that treats your better, you enjoy treating better, and you have a better relationship.

So either dump her now and move on or start your search for someone else and when you find that person give her the boot. But for heaven's sake dont marry this person !!!!!!!
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Old 28th April 2010, 9:17 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your advice,

I don`t think it is appropriate to continue a relationship if I am only doing it until I find someone better, if she is under the impression that there is marriage down the road

I do agree with your feelings shunter on that I am comfortable, but sometimes I feel that in a snap I`d rather be with someone else that treats me better, and I enjoy treating better, however I don`t always feel this way. It just seems that I am feeling more and more this way, then not.

ADF, I am sorry if my post reads that way, I am very much a marriage type guy. I was hoping there would be a way to save my relationship but I don`t know how.

Her: `When do you want to set our big wedding date`

Me: `look - Ive grown apart from you, I think the reasons are x y and z, I`d like to salvage what we have and see where it takes us, but if that doesn`t work we need to reconsider our relationship.`


Or maybe that is all I need to do...

Sorry my responses are slow and thanks for reading & for your comments.
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Old 29th April 2010, 4:45 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Dreamers View Post
I was hoping there would be a way to save my relationship but I don`t know how.
Not all relationships are point beating one's head against a brick wall, either!

Might I suggest getting some help with learning how to assertively speak out for your own needs, desires, goals, upsets, disappointments, likes and dislikes? (Not necessarily for this relationship but for all those to follow.)
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