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The day I've been dreading is almost here


whatstheholdup

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whatstheholdup

So, I set a time period for my BF and I to be engaged and that expires in less than 2 weeks. I told myself and him that we would get seperate places (but stay together) if we weren't engaged by 4 years. We've been together for 4 years now and living together for 3. I've been ready for marriage at 1-2 years.

 

He originally wanted to be together for 5 years before marriage and I asked for a compromise of engaged at 4 and be married after 5. Well, he hasn't made the step to keep me so I'm afraid the worst I have to fear is here and alive.

 

I feel that I've given him plenty of time to "know" that he's ready. I've waited 2-3 years after I was ready for him to be ready and he still isn't.

 

I just don't know what I'm going to do... Do I move out and possibly lose the best thing that ever happened to me or do I hold out which tells him that I'll be around forever and so he never has to actually marry me to keep me?

 

This is definately not how I hoped things to go... However I did have a voice in me hoping he wouldn't do it just because after I told him that I would move out I felt guilty. I want him to do it on his own... but I'm also afraid that maybe I'm just not the one for him and if this keeps dragging on forever then where will I be? Starting from the beginning and getting married in my 30's hopefully in time to still be able to have babies.

 

For those of you who will ask "why don't you ask him?" I already have about a year ago. It's his turn.

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This is really simple.

 

He needs to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

You have to tell him that the relationship is over unless the two of you get married. That's it. Bottom line. You can't wait any longer.

 

No engagement either. It has to be marriage. Go to a justice of the peace or something.

 

Either you're worth it to him or you're not.

 

If you want to get married you need to put your foot down.

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This is really simple.

 

He needs to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

You have to tell him that the relationship is over unless the two of you get married. That's it. Bottom line. You can't wait any longer.

 

No engagement either. It has to be marriage. Go to a justice of the peace or something.

 

Either you're worth it to him or you're not.

 

If you want to get married you need to put your foot down.

 

I completely disagree.

 

If you love this guy and if he treats you like the love of his life, don't let him go. Engagement isn't something that should be done with a time line. If you love him enough to spend the rest of your life with him as his wife, then you love him enough to let go of marriage pressure.

 

Also, how old are you both? Where are you both when it comes to life goals right now?

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doublescorpio

This is stupid. You posted about this under two months ago, received a ton of replies and never acknowledged one of them. I think you only want to hear someone echo to you exactly what you feel, you want someone to tell you that you are right. I think you are so wrong.

 

Why the heck is getting married so much more important than your relationship? So you are ready to walk out on someone you apparently love because he told you he wanted to date for 5 years, you wanted him to consider 4 years instead but he is not giving way to that? Why do you think he will never marry you? He told you 5 years, and you aren't there yet!!!

 

You are only 24 (according to your thread in December) and guess what honey. That is reall bloody young in this day and age. And you sound immature to me. I am also 24, have been seeing my guy for 7 years and we are not pressuring each other into marriage. Enjoy the stage of the relationship you are at, he told you there would be another stage why can you not trust him? I bet he is wondering why you can't enjoy your current relationship right now and is having doubts about you. I don't blame him, you sound babyish, domineering and are placing a status over your relationship. I have met girls like you in person and they often want to be the first out of their friends to be married, want the ring and those things are more important than the person they are with. Sorry if I sound really cruel, but it is not like he had said he would never marry you, you are whining because you want it RIGHT NOW and he won't agree to that.

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I agree with above poster 100%

 

if you do leave over this, it will be your loss. you cant give a person an ultimatum over such a big thing if you truly respect how they feel.

 

you obviously feel that a piece of paper is more important than your guy's opinions.

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whatstheholdup
But if you approach him saying "I'm going to move out if you don't marry me RIGHT NOW" will put him on the spot, and I think the last thing you would want is a man who is forced into marriage, if he does not want to be married to you.

 

I never approached the situation in a demanding way. I never said it had to be right now. I'm perfectly fine with having a long engagement. I just want to be moving forward. What I'm trying to find out is if he really DOES want to marry me. I know that men will stay in relationships because they're "comfortable" and they have no intentions of moving forward.

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whatstheholdup
This is stupid. You posted about this under two months ago, received a ton of replies and never acknowledged one of them. I think you only want to hear someone echo to you exactly what you feel, you want someone to tell you that you are right. I think you are so wrong.

 

Your logic is unfounded. Just because I didn't reply means that "I only want to hear someone echo what I feel"? Maybe that's what you feel when you don't reply but don't put your words in my mouth.

 

Why the heck is getting married so much more important than your relationship? So you are ready to walk out on someone you apparently love because he told you he wanted to date for 5 years, you wanted him to consider 4 years instead but he is not giving way to that? Why do you think he will never marry you? He told you 5 years, and you aren't there yet!!!

 

So, I'm supposed to just do whatever he wants? He says jump and I say how high? I don't think so, relationships are full of compromise and I deserve it just as much as he does. Marriage is very important to me and if my SO doesn't feel the same then I do need to find someone else who shares the same value in marriage as I do.

 

You are only 24 (according to your thread in December) and guess what honey. That is reall bloody young in this day and age.

 

Tell me more about this day and age... WTH does that mean?

 

I am also 24, have been seeing my guy for 7 years and we are not pressuring each other into marriage.

 

That's great! You have different expectations than I do. We're all different and every relationship is different.

 

I have met girls like you in person and they often want to be the first out of their friends to be married, want the ring and those things are more important than the person they are with.

 

You think you have me all figured out don't you. Sitting there behind your computer screen. I never cared about being the "first" really, who cares about that? Obviously you have or you wouldn't have brought it up. And the ring? I don't wear jewelry so why would I even want one?

 

Sorry if I sound really cruel, but it is not like he had said he would never marry you, you are whining because you want it RIGHT NOW and he won't agree to that.

 

If you're going to be rude you shouldn't apologize afterwards it shows that you don't have a backbone.

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whatstheholdup

you obviously feel that a piece of paper is more important than your guy's opinions.

 

This whole "piece of paper" argument is so dull. You might see marriage as a piece of paper but I don't.

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So, I'm supposed to just do whatever he wants? He says jump and I say how high? I don't think so, relationships are full of compromise and I deserve it just as much as he does. Marriage is very important to me and if my SO doesn't feel the same then I do need to find someone else who shares the same value in marriage as I do.

 

Well, it seems you have your mind made up, don't you? Why not just tell him these exact words and see what he says?

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This whole "piece of paper" argument is so dull. You might see marriage as a piece of paper but I don't.

 

You have been with this guy for several years already.

 

That is MORE than ENOUGH time for him to be able to know if he wants to get married to you or not.

 

You are perfectly entitled to want and expect marriage out of your relationship. Ignore those who say otherwise--many of the people who post at LS wouldn't know how to have a healthy mature loving relationship if it hit them on the head.

 

The thing is, if he isn't forced to make a decision about this, he probably won't after all this time.

 

The point where he makes the decision to marry you is the point where he realizes that he will lose you if he doesn't. It's very simple.

 

You don't have to have this conversation with him in an angry manner. However relationships are all about being able to communicate.

 

You WANT to get married to him, and you've spent enough time together ALREADY to enable him to make that decision RIGHT NOW. If you want to be engaged for a few months or whatever, that's fine, too.

 

So you need to have a very direct and calm conversation with this guy about where you are going in your life. And whether or not he wants to go with you.

 

But the decision here is yours, not his. You need to TELL HIM what you NEED and WANT to be able to continue this relationship with him.

 

Otherwise you might end up like one of these ladies who let more years pass and NEVER get married, miss out on the chance to have kids, etc. etc. etc.

 

Four years or whatever it has been is LONG ENOUGH. You're in your mid 20's which is still young enough to find someone else if that's what is going to happen.

 

STOP LETTING THIS GUY WASTE YOUR TIME AND YOUR LIFE.

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whatstheholdup
Well, it seems you have your mind made up, don't you? Why not just tell him these exact words and see what he says?

 

I've told him in more ways that I can imagine. We've had lots of talks and the only answer I can get out of him is "I'm just not ready". Which basically is telling me that he just doesn't want to marry me.

 

Years ago when we first started talking about marriage we agreed to get out of debt and be financially stable before we got married. I'm out of debt and flourishing right now. I've even been paying his half on rent and such. However, he has a different story. He has a credit card and a line of credit that were both maxed out. I tried to help him set plans to get out of debt which I thought would help but obviously hasn't. His line of credit is still maxed out. He told me that his credit card was almost paid off and that he has stopped using it (about 6 mo ago). However, last night I was looking through our mail and I found a credit card statement that said his card was OVER the limit (no I wasn't snooping, we have the same bank, I came across it accidentaly). I haven't approached him about this yet. I'm the type to sit back and think clearly before I act.

 

His financial situation is also a HUGE indicator to me that he really hasn't put any effort in to being with me forever. I would think he would have put some effort in to it. I know he's bad with money and I'm the one who is responsible for all our bills now that I found out he was dragging my name through credit mud with late payments. I have no problem being in charge of the finances or using my money to get him out of debt. But I do have a problem doing this if he can't step up to the next step. I don't want to mix finances until we are engaged.

 

Some people mix money before marriage and that's fine but it's just another way for him to have all the benefit of marriage without actually being married.

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i agree with above poster, but would change it to, stop wasting his time, as opposed to him wasting yours.

 

I never said you shouldn't leave him over it, I just wonder whether there will come a time when you realise you let someone you love go, just because he didnt do what you wanted.

 

There are alot of single people who would kill for the chance of a great relationship with someone who they love and who loves them, regardless of marriage. Just try to realise what you're throwing away before you do it.

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This whole "piece of paper" argument is so dull. You might see marriage as a piece of paper but I don't.

 

then what exactly does marriage mean to you?

BTW I am married.

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His financial situation is a big red flag for other reasons than not wanting to marry you.

 

Why are you paying his half of the rent?

 

His inability to handle money will ruin you in a marriage.

 

After 4 years and he is hemming and hawing on marriage means he just doesn't want to marry you.

 

You see it all the time, a woman wastes years on some guy and they break up and he marries the next person less than a year after they meet.

 

Are you sure YOU want to marry him?

 

You have been living together for 3 years already. What incentive does he have to marry you? He is perfectly content to shack up with you.

 

I would just make arrangement to move out. He doesn't want to marry you and most likely you really don't want to marry him.

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Do you know if he even believes in marriage as a concept?

 

It may be something he never wants to do and is no reflection on how he feels about you.

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I would make the decision on your own, without telling him. Wait until the deadline you set up in your head, then sit him down and tell him that you think your personal life choices are not coinciding with his, and you're going to move out. If he asks for specifics, then note marriage, children, etc. But if you approach him saying "I'm going to move out if you don't marry me RIGHT NOW" will put him on the spot, and I think the last thing you would want is a man who is forced into marriage, if he does not want to be married to you.

 

I agree 100% with this. If it were me I would've made the deadline in my head and when it was up, I'd just pack up and leave. If he asked why I'd quote Beyonce and say "if you like it then you should've put a ring on it."

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I agree 100% with this. If it were me I would've made the deadline in my head and when it was up, I'd just pack up and leave. If he asked why I'd quote Beyonce and say "if you like it then you should've put a ring on it."

 

If you read her first post she already did set a deadline and now the deadline is up but is waffling on it.

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Why so rigid? !You're both young people. You force him to get married, you're asking for a whole lot of trouble.

 

And what, you would leave someone you love because he is not ready for marriage? This is not love. Get a dog if you need this kind of commitment.

 

Goodness, you're poor BF, I would run if someone was forcing me to make such a huge decision.

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If you read her first post she already did set a deadline and now the deadline is up but is waffling on it.

 

I just read through the whole thread and *sigh* OP I'm thinking one of two things are going on here. 1) He doesn't love you and is just using you to pay for his bills until you wisen up. 2) He loves you but doesn't want to really get married. Common denominator being he doesn't want to get married to you. Is this something you can live with? Being with a man who may (or may not) really love you but not willing to sign the marriage papers? If it is stay, but if marriage means as much to you as I think it does, walk. Don't believe the lie of "the one", there are more people out there in the world who are equally (if not more) awesome as your current boyfriend AND who would actually want to marry you.

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This is crazy! You guys are 24 and 26!

 

Does this guy treat you well? Is he there for you? Do you feel loved?

 

I personally do not know ANY 26 year old men who are ready to marry. If you love this guy and if he's good to you please do not ruin this. I strongly recommend that you just let it go and enjoy the relationship. What's the rush??!

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There's no NEED for him to get married. You're already doing everything a wife would do. Why should he?

 

Don't shack up. You're young and you have time to not make this same mistake again.

 

I would move out and move on. You will find someone that wants the same things as you and you won't have to pull their teeth to get them,

 

Even if he married you you wouldn't be happy because you will always know that he only married you because of your ultimatum.

 

Ultimatums don't work. Let a man ask you to marry him because he can't see himself with anyone else. If you don't see it happening after a year or so the chances get more and more slim. Therefore, set some boundaries for yourself moving forward and enforce them when the time comes.

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" I'm just not ready "

 

Translation : " I'm just not ready "

 

"I don't want to get married right now"

 

Translation " I don't want to get married right now "

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I've told him in more ways that I can imagine. We've had lots of talks and the only answer I can get out of him is "I'm just not ready". Which basically is telling me that he just doesn't want to marry me.

 

Years ago when we first started talking about marriage we agreed to get out of debt and be financially stable before we got married. I'm out of debt and flourishing right now. I've even been paying his half on rent and such. However, he has a different story. He has a credit card and a line of credit that were both maxed out. I tried to help him set plans to get out of debt which I thought would help but obviously hasn't. His line of credit is still maxed out. He told me that his credit card was almost paid off and that he has stopped using it (about 6 mo ago). However, last night I was looking through our mail and I found a credit card statement that said his card was OVER the limit (no I wasn't snooping, we have the same bank, I came across it accidentaly). I haven't approached him about this yet. I'm the type to sit back and think clearly before I act.

 

His financial situation is also a HUGE indicator to me that he really hasn't put any effort in to being with me forever. I would think he would have put some effort in to it. I know he's bad with money and I'm the one who is responsible for all our bills now that I found out he was dragging my name through credit mud with late payments. I have no problem being in charge of the finances or using my money to get him out of debt. But I do have a problem doing this if he can't step up to the next step. I don't want to mix finances until we are engaged.

 

Some people mix money before marriage and that's fine but it's just another way for him to have all the benefit of marriage without actually being married.

Based on this one post, RUN AWAY! This guy knows you're marriage minded and has done sweet dick all about it for years now. He's also terrible with money.

 

Don't marry this guy or you're going to marry his inability to be fiscally responsible.

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