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Engaged, but may never marry


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I have been with the same guy for over 4 years. The first year we were together, we talked about marriage sometimes and said we would probably get married after dating for 2 years or so. We were together for a year and seven months. I was only 21 and he was 23 and we bought a house. We moved into our house Christmas night. That night he proposed. I was so happy!! We agreed to not set a date right away, but it was hard for me because this is something I waited for my whole life for, and I love him so much, it was a dream come true.

 

Shortly after this I was on some medication that played havoc with my hormones and I know I was hard to live with. So we argued a lot and kind of grew apart. I am now off that medication and feel better than I have my whole life. But getting married is something that always comes up between us.

 

Now that I am back to normal and we are happy again I don’t understand what’s going on. We know 5 couples that are getting married this year and he is in 2 of the weddings. This is so hard for me because he won’t even talk about getting married anymore. He gave me a ring, he has lived with me for 2 and a half years, we have so much in common. I’m good enough to do all these things with, but I’m not good enough for him to finish what he started 2 and a half years ago when he got down on one knee.

 

We have argued about this on and off. He has taken the ring back, then put it back on my finger. I have given it back to him, then asked him to put it back on my finger. I know a lot of this was because we weren’t both matured yet, but I feel that we are now.

 

When I ask him for a reason, he tells me that it’s not going to change anything so why bother. If that is how he feels, then why did he even give me a ring in the first place. I never really pressured him about it before he gave it to me. I guess I could go on about this forever, but I won’t. It’s just that this is getting harder and harder all the time because I’m confused. And I'm scared that maybe we have different goals now. We fixed up our house and sold it, we split the money and put it away to use to buy a new house. For now we are renting until we find the property we want. When we sold the house we talked about living apart for awhile, but when it came right down to it, neither of us wanted to be apart. Maybe we should have lived apart for awhile… I don’t know. The one thing I do know is that as much as I want to buy some land and build our dream house, I’m not going to until I get some kind of answer regarding our future. If anyone has any ideas what’s going on, please HELP!

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Well, hate to say this, but he isn't marrying you because he doesn't have to. Don't mean to be blunt but this guy is enjoying all the priviledges of marriage without the commitment.

 

The most you can do is set a deadline for him and if he refuses to marry you, then I'd say he probably never will.

 

I'm glad you sold your house and got that straightened out. So many couples buy the house first thinking they'll marry and then one leaves and is left holding the mortgage, and I'm not just talking breaking up, there could be a death and unless you're listed as the beneficiary in the will, you're on your own.

 

Personally, I'd take a step back and be on my own, not living with him. Forget the dream house for now until you find the right guy that shares that dream. Doesn't sound like it's him.

 

Just my opinion, but maybe others have a better solution than mine.

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have to agree with LMB -- if he was interested in being married to you, he'd have married you by now. A very good friend of mine went through something similar, dating a guy for two years and receiving a nice engagement ring at Christmas. However, five years went by and he never said anything more about getting married, and she saw the light and broke up with him. A couple of months later, a friend of ours from high school connected with her, and they hit it off right away, and married about a year later. My guess is that her husband knew he wanted her in his life and made sure to act on his feelings for her, instead of letting their relationship just ride.

 

maybe your guy thinks that by giving you a ring, he's appeasing you. If you see marriage as something more than just an institution, you should tell him. If he's not interested in going that extra step, then you need to decide if you want to settle for living together or if you want to find someone else who has the same ideas about marriage and permanence.

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blue_eyed_girl

This is the most dreaded of all jewelry. It looks, feels, and, heck, even smells like an engagement ring, but comes with none of the commitment of the real thing.

 

The real one says, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." This one says, "Shut the hell up and quit bothering me already."

 

Your ring means nothing more than any other piece of jewelry. That means that you are NOT "off the market". Get yourself out there and find one that is as crazy about you as you are about him.

 

Especially since you are still a sweet young thing. Trust me, when you get to be my age, and possibly still stuck with this loser, you will wish you had.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, do you love him with all your heart? If not, move on and give back the ring for good.

 

If you still love him and can't imagine being apart, then try to find the root of his fear of marriage. He may have some family issues. Remember, family generally attends a wedding. Maybe he fears seeing certain family members. Or maybe it's for financial reasons. Weddings cost around $12 grand or more these days and the tradition of the parents paying for it is out the door. However, if you find out that the reason he won't marry is due to commitment insecurities, then you HAVE to let him go.

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