His Needs vs. Her Needs- Can't Achieve Compromise

[Brokenlady]

Hi,

I'm very nervous about this whole thing, so please be gentle with me. My fiance and I have been seeing each other for a few years. He was married when we started (I know, I know), but he has been seperated for about a year and the divorce was final last month. We got engaged shortly thereafter. For context, we each have two kids, none together.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think I have the level of enthusiasm I should have because of how he handled things in our relationship and how he continues to be very enmeshed with his ex-wife. He says I am trying to change him, but really I am just trying to change how he treats me.

 

I cannot shake the feeling of being the "mistress" still. In the last month he has given me the bi-monthly guilt-ridden speech about how he's thinking of going back to her, asked me to leave his house because his ex-wife was coming over to pick something up, and just a couple days ago he shushed me for the millionth time when his ex-wife called his house. He spends most of his time (non-work hours) at his ex-wife's house and he does chores there. Just yesterday he spent several hours raking her leaves. It apparently alleviates his guilt.

 

Despite the divorce, and knowing he's with me she still wants him back. She does not know we're engaged and I know he will not tell her. Supposedly they've stopped having long drawn-out emotional conversations about getting back together, and if true, that's only been the case for a few weeks. Everytime I talk to him about how upset I am with his lack of boundaries with her he says I'm being unreasonable and don't appreciate all he's done to be with me. Really, I don't think it's that. It's just that I've been on the back burner a very long time and have not been getting my secuirty needs met. He wants me to wait longer and I'm getting very resentful about that. It's a real clash between how he needs to handle the end of his marriage and how I need him to handle our relationship. It's like he feels his needs should always trump mine, and that seems wrong. But in the reverse, by my complaining, it's like I'm saying my needs should "win". And then I end up feeling awful selfish.

 

Part of what annoys me of his constantly being at his ex-wife's house is that he is unreachable. I can't call there for obvious reasons. In many ways I think - and by his own admission - he spends a lot of time there to spend a few hours wrapped up in the illusion that the family is still togther, like nothing ever happened.

 

From my perspective, he has a long way to go before he's ready to let go of his marriage and I am growing increasingly resentful. He has in many ways lost his investment in his individual counseling and I suspect he'll end it soon. I'm becoming indifferent to the whole thing - I don't cry anymore and although I love him very much, I wonder if the way he's handled all this has ruined my "in love" feelings for him.

 

Should I wait around some more? Will that be the nail in the coffin of our realtionship if I do? I just don't know what to do because it seems like we really can't compromise on how to get both our needs met (his for enmeshment with his ex-wife, and mine for him not to be enmeshed with her/security for me).

[Lucky_One]

I can't get past the fact that you accepted a marriage proposal when he has just said that he is thinking of going back to his XW? It sounds like he ONLY proposed to try to give you some sort of security and get you off his back, but he doesn't sound nearly ready to get married.

 

I would suggest breaking off your pseudo-engagement, and just try dating. Stop being at his house all the time, stop letting him have free rein to come and go at your house. Date like "normal" people who are just starting to get to know each other in a real-life relationship. Make him earn your love - IF he wants it. I am not convinced that he does, to be honest.

 

He sounds like the sort of MM who got busted by his BS, she pushed for the divorce, and now he feels stuck with you by default - like he needs to prove to his BS and to the world that the EMA was worthy of all the pain and the guilt. If he ends your R now, then what was all of that guilt and pain for - it was just pointless.

 

Have you two considered premarital counseling?