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Is being drunk an excuse?


pixies2020

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I have been engaged to my fiance for almost a year. She has a great, endearing personality and enjoys being social. Enter the office Christmas party. She didn't eat much and got pretty drunk.

 

A coworker, who is very happily married with children was there, and I noticed my fiance and him getting along nicely, she put her arm around him, they danced together, it bothered me just a little bit but all in the name of fun.

 

Then me, her and about 7 coworkers went back to my place for more drinks. Later, my fiance and the guy came out of the patio and said they were going to the hot tub and we should join. I told my fiance I would meet her down there. Well, about 10 minutes later, the hot tub in clear view from my balcony, the guy had made his way right in front of my fiance. I couldn't tell ecactly what was going on, but their heads were very close. So I watched.

 

He would leave, kind of circle around the tub a bit, then end up right next to her again. Later they came back and the guy left, I pretended to sleep. I then confronted my fiance and she said they had a great conversation and it was harmless. She did admit to giving him a 'harmless' peck, just to acknowledge that she admired and appreciated their moment.

 

Well the next day I was still very upset, and my fiance barely remebered what transpired in the hot tub. That Monday the coworker apologized to me as soon as he saw me. He too, cannot remeber most of what happened in the hot tub. When I mentioned the kiss he said if that did happen, that's all that happened, but does not remeber specifically even a kiss.

 

So I am not sure how to feel or what to believe. It may have been more than harmless, I'm not sure, and I can't be sure if they really don't remember, or don't want to remember. Any help on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

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Being drunk isn't necessarily an excuse but it is a reason for this kind of behavior. People who have had too much to drink are normally very uninhibited and do many things they wouldn't even think of doing in a sober state of mind.

 

You have to understand that as humans, we suppress a lot of behaviors. We don't say things we'd like to say out of courtesy and we don't do things we'd like to do out of courtesy, respect and a desire to stay out of jail. Society has put a lid on a lot of things we would do if we were in the middle of nowhere. But under the influence of alcohol, that which we have suppressed and inhibited can be turned loose in warp time.

 

You ought to forget what happened because I really don't think your lady meant anything of it at all. But I also think you should try to manage her episodes of drunkenness so she doesn't get put in these situations often.

 

There are a great many people who do crazy things when they are plastered with alcohol that they remember nothing about when they sober up. It's just one of those things.

 

Let it go but be on notice that your lady can get out of hand when she's had too much to drink. If she does this often, you might want to review your relationship with her. If she just does it occasionally at parties or get togethers, get used to it and overlook it.

 

If you can't let this pass without putting it in her face again and again, do her a favor and turn her loose. She didn't do anything on purpose or to hurt you but bringing this behavior up again will do a great deal of damage to your relationship.

 

Forget it totally or move on!

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I say forget her. No matter how drunk I got I would never have done something like that. But that's just me.........

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Well. the timing for my fiances drunken episode was not good. She is finishing up grad school, she lives 2 hours away. She graduates in May, the wedding is planned for June. So the day after this thing happened, she had to go back to school for a week, then was of on a school trip for a week. She is then flying to a city in the Midwest for Christmas, and I am flying in the same day, our families live near each other.

 

So we have barely talked about it, now we have to face all our family and friends with this weird issue not behind us.

 

Anyway, the only thing she really said before she left was 'I'm sorry I hurt you'. And then she acted strange the next couple days, and told me that she doesn't feel 'grounded' right now.

Yesterday I discovered another thing - her swimsuit. She leaves a swimsuit at my place to wear in the hot-tub. And she always gets too hot after about 15 minutes. Well, when I saw her get out of the tub that night, she was in her bra and panties (she always wears thong panties). The guy was right there to cover her with a towel.

 

Yeah, I know she was drunk. But am I supposed to just drop it and move on?

 

I thank you in advance for your responses.

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I forgot to mention they were in the tub for well over an hour. Why didn't I just go down there and break it up or get in myself?

Humph...

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YOU ASK: "Why didn't I just go down there and break it up or get in myself?

 

Good question. Why didn't you? There are classy ways of getting involved in these kinds of things and correcting matters.

 

As far as dropping it and moving on, there is absolutely nothing you can discuss with her that's going to undue the matter. You've already expressed your displeasure with her behavior. If you are inclined to drag things out and make a meal out of them, why don't you spare her the annoyance and dump her.

 

Nobody wants a partners who drags out their transgressions on and on and can't let go. Exactly what do you want her to do? Be a man and forgive. If you're going to be in a relationship, you've either got to learn how to do that...and forget as well....or go find another planet to live on.

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HokeyReligions

You are asking a lot of questions about something that has already occurred, but the key question you are asking is what to do about it now. I'll respond to that with a question to you. What do you want to happen? Set the outcome you want as a goal and back track to determine what steps you need to take to reach that goal, and what you expect of your girlfriend. She needs to know too, but not in an argument. If you love her & want to stay together then tell her that and tell her that you want closure on this episode and that you need some assurance that something like this won't happen again because this has really shaken your trust in her, and made you question your own self because you did not respond the way you think you should have done. Drunkenness is only an explanation, not justification or an excuse.

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[color=indigo]

Getting drunk and acting inappropriately with another man when you are currently engaged is a major red flag. Especially when you are behaving in that manner in front of your fiancee. Take this as a huge warning sign that your fiancee might be having second thoughts about your relationship. I know that anytime I was unhappy in my past relationship, I was tempted to flirt more and behave inappropriately.

 

Getting drunk is also no excuse for that kind of behavior. All alcohol does is give you the nerve to do exactly what you want to do, but don't have the guts to do under sober circumstances.

 

I was intoxicated on Saturday night at a holiday party and my current boyfriend was there. I was getting hit on by other people, but didn't flirt back. You still know right from wrong when you are intoxicated and if you truly don't want to act in that manner when drunk, you won't. Take this as a sign and don't marry her until you can work your issues out.

 

 

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I really appreciate the responses. They are helping me deal with the situation. It's really tough not being able to talk to my fiance for another week. I especially liked the insight of the last two responses.

 

States Leikela "Take this as a huge warning sign that your fiancee might be having second thoughts about your relationship. I know that anytime I was unhappy in my past relationship, I was tempted to flirt more and behave inappropriately.

 

Getting drunk is also no excuse for that kind of behavior. All alcohol does is give you the nerve to do exactly what you want to do, but don't have the guts to do under sober circumstances."

And:

"You still know right from wrong when you are intoxicated and if you truly don't want to act in that manner when drunk, you won't. Take this as a sign and don't marry her until you can work your issues out."

 

State Hokey:

"If you love her & want to stay together then tell her that and tell her that you want closure on this episode and that you need some assurance that something like this won't happen again because this has really shaken your trust in her, and made you question your own self because you did not respond the way you think you should have done. Drunkenness is only an explanation, not justification or an excuse."

 

I am willing to move on from this. But I don't think I can do this without reassurance from my fiance. We haven't been able to talk about it yet. What I really seek from this forum is how you would feel if you were in my shoes. Obviously I'm pretty upset. But I don't want to over-react either.

 

Your input has been very beneficial, more respones of any sort would be very, very helpful.

Thanks so much. -Alex

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Why haven't you talked about this with your fiance?

 

And don't use the excuse that she's out of town - there are such things as phones available across the country. I think you're avoiding dealing with this issue, because you're afraid of what she might say and what the consequences will be.

 

By the way, did you ask your fiance why she got in the hottub in her bra and thong when she had her swimsuit there? I think you know that something isn't adding up here.

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HokeyReligions

Well, I think a cooling off period is good - it will help you both collect your thoughts and be able to discuss this rationally. I also think that doing it over the phone is not a good idea - something like this needs to be discussed face-to-face. Maybe begin over the phone with some ground rules for the meeting and set a time to meet face to face.

 

I don't know how I would feel. Hurt certainly. I may feel like I would never be able to trust that person again - but I would still want to work toward that goal of trusting again. I may even be in denial that the relationship is ending and not want it to. I guess I would be very confused and maybe feel like I'm spinning around in circles and don't know how to stop - as though my emotions were so far out of control that it affected my thinking and decision making abilities. To that end I know in my mind that taking control of the situation and my emotions will help put a stop to the spinning and aid in getting on the path to a solution. It's difficult because the mind and the heart don't always work well together, but once started on the path it becomes easier.

 

I wish you well on this.

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We haven't been able to talk because she is in Cuba for a week. You can't call in our out of Cuba.

 

Hokey you described my emotions very well. I am spinning around in circles. Our wedding is in 6 months, and most people will be traveling to get there. They are on the verge of buying plane tickets. I keep going back and forth, maybe if she apologizes for what she did we can move on, but she may think it was acceptable, although ill-advised, in which case I'd really be thrown for a loop. Or maybe I should just decide this girl isn't ready to be married. She is 31, she should not be acting like this anymore! Maybe she never got it out of her system when she went to that all-girl catholic college : ) : ( Spinning, spinning....

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For some reason I thought she was in her early 20s. Anyways, I see your point about not being able to call Cuba. HOWEVER, if you are having doubts now, call it off. I know too many people who don't listen to their doubts get married and then less than a year later get divorced.

 

You should only get married if you are 100% sure this person is right for you.

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[color=indigo]

When putting emotions aside for the time being, look at the facts. There is a problem between you and your fiancee and you need to take action immediately if you want to save your relationship. The fact that your wedding is only 6 months away should be even more of an incentive to get things worked out between the both of you.

 

Seriously, that kind of behavior, drunk or not, is inexcusable for a person who has promised to spend the rest of her life with another person. Be honest with her and ask her flat out if she wants to reconsider marrying you because once married, your problems will only get bigger.

 

Your reaction to this kind of behavior is normal and is warranted by your fiancee's actions. My opinion would be to call off the wedding until you are able to work things out. I know that if I was committing myself to someone for life, I would take that seriously and not go around galavanting with another man in front of the man I was going to marry. There is definitely a problem here. Best wishes on working things out!

 

PS-- How long have you guys been together?

 

 

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Most of what I would have to say on this has been said (no, getting drunk isn't an excuse, etc.) But what seems strange to me in this is that you felt the need to see what she was going to do; in fact you were spying on her. You knew she'd been drinking -- which means you knew her judgment was impaired. Were you eager to see what she'd do in that situation because you implicitly don't trust her, and feel that if circumstances are right she might betray you? Why were you content to just watch her?

 

If I were drunk at a party and my fiance were there, I would want him to look out for me a bit. Now this kind of thing doesn't happen to me (or hasn't yet) and as Leikeila has pointed out, getting drunk doesn't mean that all sense of propriety flies out the window. But I'd want any friend of mine to have my best interests at heart, and chief among those would be intervening with me if I were about to do something that I wouldn't do if my judgment weren't impaired. I mean, if instead of flirting with that guy, she had instead picked up the car keys, would you have let her get behind the wheel?

 

I'm not saying that her behavior was acceptable. But I'm curious as to why you felt the need to let that situation play out as it did, instead of stepping in and saying that maybe she'd had enough to drink for one evening. If there are trust issues you should get them sorted out before heading to the altar.

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"Seriously, that kind of behavior, drunk or not, is inexcusable for a person who has promised to spend the rest of her life with another person. Be honest with her and ask her flat out if she wants to reconsider marrying you because once married, your problems will only get bigger"

 

Good advice Leikela. I agree I need to ask her if this is what she really wants in lieu of her behavior. One possibility is that she doesn't, and she may be subconsciously 'sabotaging' the relationship. Sometimes if a person like myself treats someone well like I treat my fiancee, she may not understand or feel guilty that it just doen't feel right. So instead of having the guts to call it off or being afraid to hurt me, her true feelings get channeled out in potentially destructive ways, especially after drinking.

 

We were together a year and a half before she started grad school, got engaged after a total of two years, and have now been together for 3 years.

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midori-

 

You raise a good point- something I haven't figured out. I was intending to go down to that tub as I told them, but was kind of occupied with guests. I was still going to join them, until I looked over the balcony and saw them face to face. I actually did trust this girl, therefore I was shocked at what I was seeing. My heart was racing and I just couldn't believe it, so I watched - maybe I was thinking, what am I really dealing with here.

 

Maybe I should have broken it up immediately. I think I wanted to see at what point they would consider my feelings - I see the guy 40 hours a week at work. But they stayed in that tub more than an hour, the guy repeatedly getting face-to-face with my fiancee. I don't think they considered my feelings..

 

I kind of felt like I was watching a train wreck in slow-motion. But I will say in hindsight, I wish I had just gone down there immediately and broken it up.

 

BUT, I did trust them enough to leave together just the two of them to go down to the hot tub. Maybe I shouldn't of even let it get that far...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Man if my fiance did something like that, actually, she wouldn't have. So you're saying she was in a hot tub in her bra and thong panties for an hour kissing a guy you work with 40 hours a week?? Call off that wedding and tell everyone the reason was because she cheated on you. That'll teach her......

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Midori, you wrote:

 

But I'm curious as to why you felt the need to let that situation play out as it did, instead of stepping in and saying that maybe she'd had enough to drink for one evening.

 

No offense, but I have to totally disagree with this. I think it was very wise of this guy to sit back and watch....it very well may have provided a lot of very important "info" on where his fiancee's heart is at. Had he rushed off into the hot tub to, in essence, break things up or interrupt, he might not have seen for himself, her propensity for disrespecting him. I think it's good that he was able to see for himself, just how she is/can be?

 

If she behaves like this, while intoxicated, when her own fiance is a stone's throw away, I wonder how she behaves when he's not around?

 

Couples, especially those about to be married, must be able to implicitly trust one another.......when they're together, or when they're apart. Obviously couples can't be together 24/7, so there's GOT to be 100% trust there, that your partner will be faithful to you when you're not around....whether they've had too much too much to drink or not.

 

As far as I'm concerned, someone who's in a relationship (especially engaged) has no business being out in a hot tub, in their bra and thong, with another man. Period. It's just not appropriate at all. PIXIES2020 shouldn't have to babysit his fiancee, and stop her from behaving questionably...she's a big girl, 31 yrs old, and she's ultimately responsible for:

 

a) controlling how much alcohol she consumes (particulary when she hasn't eaten all day)

 

b) behaving responsibly and respectfully

 

Had PIXIES not sat back and observed, he'd likely have no idea that there are some big red flags here......ones he needs to take great notice of, considering their wedding is only 6 months away.

 

If I were in his shoes, I would most definitely question the loyalty, love, fidelity-capability and marriage-readiness of his fiancee....

 

Like others here, I've been out at functions where I've drank too much and have had a good time, but no matter how "good" I'm feeling, I'd still never "cross the line", kiss some other guy, end up nearly-naked in a hot tub. There's just no way in the world...and I am speaking from experience. A person can still distinguish between 'right and wrong' when intoxicated....and if they can't, at age 31, I imagine they'd have learned many years before that they need to watch how much they drink.

 

Just my thoughts

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I think sitting back and watching what she would do was a very good thing, in this case as it showed that she used poor judgement and not deserving of his total trust.

 

However, I also think Midori's point about why he felt the need to watch was very insightful. I think Pixie knew all along that she wasn't trustworthy and I think he wanted to give her enough rope to hang herself with, so to speak.

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