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I cheated myself and cheated on him


lostsoulmate

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lostsoulmate

I have been with the father of my daughter for 6 years, we have be engaged for over 2 years. We own a house, live a quite life. I recently had to go home (14 hours away) for family medical problems and ended up spending a night with my ex. He is truly the love of my life. It took me cheating to realize I am living a lie. Do I stay and stuck it up and be unhappy for my daughter, or do I leave before we get married? I am not happy, don't I deserve to be happy? Wouldn't I be a better mother if I was happy? I don't want to hurt my fiance, he is a great guy, but I have comfort love for him, not deep passion.

 

HELP!

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Why is you ex an ex? Did he show any signs of interest in a serious relationship with you? How does he feel about becoming a part of your family, since you already have a child?

 

Why are you unhappy in your relationship?

 

If things don't work out with your ex, will you still be happier having broken up with your fiance?

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I have been with the father of my daughter for 6 years, we have be engaged for over 2 years. We own a house, live a quite life. I recently had to go home (14 hours away) for family medical problems and ended up spending a night with my ex. He is truly the love of my life. It took me cheating to realize I am living a lie. Do I stay and stuck it up and be unhappy for my daughter, or do I leave before we get married? I am not happy, don't I deserve to be happy? Wouldn't I be a better mother if I was happy? I don't want to hurt my fiance, he is a great guy, but I have comfort love for him, not deep passion.

 

HELP!

 

 

Of course you should leave, whats 6 years and a child matter? Make sure you place the blame on your fiancee while youre at it. If youre too scared to do this just start fights with him and then leave him for being mean to you. Thats what I would do because only thing that matters in life is that youre happy no matter who you hurt!

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You will always look back and wonder 'what if' about the ex...so do yourself and your fiance a favor and end it with him or going to counseling to work through things.

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Yes end it if you're not happy with your fiance, don't stay with him just for your daughter's sake, not fair for him.

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lostsoulmate
Why is you ex an ex? Did he show any signs of interest in a serious relationship with you? How does he feel about becoming a part of your family, since you already have a child?

 

Why are you unhappy in your relationship?

 

If things don't work out with your ex, will you still be happier having broken up with your fiance?

 

He is my ex, because I ran from him. I was scared. He now has two little ones of his own. And yes, he still loves me and wants us to be a little patchwork family. He wants what is mine and his to become ours.

Yes, I am unhappy, I never wanted to settle. Being with my ex has made me realize I am staying with my fiance because I think it's the right thing to do, since we have a child.

I am going to leave my fiance, I have to be happy with my self before I can make anyone else's life happy too? RIGHT?

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You are asking only what you deserve , only what your rights are.

You can do what you want of course and you already have.

 

You should not marry someone you dont love, he deserves better.

Breaking up your home, taking your daughter from her father are things that sometimes life throws at us. She will be OK.

 

But will doing that make you a better mother? Thats beside the point.

You are looking to justify the wrong you have done.

 

Stop that. This isnt about what you deserve - it may be about what you need and thats ok.

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lostsoulmate

 

But will doing that make you a better mother? Thats beside the point.

You are looking to justify the wrong you have done.

 

Stop that. This isnt about what you deserve - it may be about what you need and thats ok.

 

I thought if I put it that way I would be too selfish for my own good. Thanks for saying it's ok to think about what "I" need.

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lightning spades

My parents got divorced when I was in middle school, and IMO it's way better to have separated parents who are happy with their lives than parents who are together who hate each other. If you stick around and there's no chance that you could fall in love with your fiance, you might end up resenting him more and more as the years go on, and that isn't gonna do your daughter any good.

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lostsoulmate
My parents got divorced when I was in middle school, and IMO it's way better to have separated parents who are happy with their lives than parents who are together who hate each other. If you stick around and there's no chance that you could fall in love with your fiance, you might end up resenting him more and more as the years go on, and that isn't gonna do your daughter any good.

 

The more I read and write the more I understand that I truly need to be happy to make my life good. My parents got divorced when I was 2. I always wanted better for my daughter, but if staying with him for the sake of my daughter could possibly make it worse, I don't want to do that to her.

 

My big problem is that I will move home. 14 hours away from her father. My stomach turns and flops when I think of taking her away from him. He doesn't deserve that. I shouldn't do that to him. I have no reason to stay here if we aren't together. I have no one here but my fiance.

 

What have I done? I tried to do the right thing and it backfired. I do already resent him for keeping me so far from my family, but it was my choice to stay and have our child. So I guess I resent myself?

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The more I read and write the more I understand that I truly need to be happy to make my life good. My parents got divorced when I was 2. I always wanted better for my daughter, but if staying with him for the sake of my daughter could possibly make it worse, I don't want to do that to her.

 

My big problem is that I will move home. 14 hours away from her father. My stomach turns and flops when I think of taking her away from him. He doesn't deserve that. I shouldn't do that to him. I have no reason to stay here if we aren't together. I have no one here but my fiance.

 

What have I done? I tried to do the right thing and it backfired. I do already resent him for keeping me so far from my family, but it was my choice to stay and have our child. So I guess I resent myself?

 

 

 

Just make sure you explain to your fiance that he is 100% not to blame. I see youre are already thinking of ways to resent him. It sounds like your mind is made up but hopefully youll learn something in the future about what you did to the other person and think before you act.

 

I know this will probably go in one ear and out the other but this is a big reason why men dont want to get married because of things like this. You see people on this site talk about how selfish people are these days but when a subject like this comes up its all about what makes you happy screw the other person. So hopefully youll learn not to be so selfish next time.

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My big problem is that I will move home. 14 hours away from her father. My stomach turns and flops when I think of taking her away from him. He doesn't deserve that. I shouldn't do that to him. I have no reason to stay here if we aren't together. I have no one here but my fiance.

 

You have all the rights to move away, but you don't have (moral) rights to get your daughter from her father.

 

I agree that you shouldn't stay in relationship if you really don't want to. But I don't understand why do you think that your daughter should live only with you?

 

What if her father want rase her and want to live whit her? Have you thought about that, living without your child? Maybe seeing her twice a month? Because that's what you are planning to do to her father and her.

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lostsoulmate
You have all the rights to move away, but you don't have (moral) rights to get your daughter from her father.

 

I agree that you shouldn't stay in relationship if you really don't want to. But I don't understand why do you think that your daughter should live only with you?

 

What if her father want rase her and want to live whit her? Have you thought about that, living without your child? Maybe seeing her twice a month? Because that's what you are planning to do to her father and her.

 

I don't mean take her away completely. I do mean that we both will miss important events in her life with she is with the other parent. I come from a broken home myself. Maybe I truly did learn more from my parents than I thought. I am proud of trying to give her what I didn't have. At least she won't be around drugs.

My mother was a drug addict, so I raised my younger brother. She would move us every 6 months. I have lived in 27 states. At 14 my father finally got custody of us. Thankfully, we are both functioning young adults. We both have college degrees. I want to stay for my daughters benefit, but if it got worse instead of just OK. I would regret that more.

I plan to talk with my fiance.

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OP, a few questions:

 

How old are you?

 

Was your ex your first serious sexual relationship?

 

You say you were scared when you "ran away" from your ex. What were you scared of? Why are things different now? Why do you think you won't be "scared" again?

 

Tell me in what ways you are compatible with your ex, absent the great sex. Also, is your ex still involved with someone else (you said "two little ones")?

 

Have you ever had professional psychological counseling? You appear to have had a very difficult childhood. It does affect you and will for the rest of your life.

 

Thanks in advice for any insight you can provide.

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lostsoulmate
OP, a few questions:

 

How old are you?

 

Was your ex your first serious sexual relationship?

 

You say you were scared when you "ran away" from your ex. What were you scared of? Why are things different now? Why do you think you won't be "scared" again?

 

Tell me in what ways you are compatible with your ex, absent the great sex. Also, is your ex still involved with someone else (you said "two little ones")?

 

Have you ever had professional psychological counseling? You appear to have had a very difficult childhood. It does affect you and will for the rest of your life.

 

Thanks in advice for any insight you can provide.

 

30 years old.

No, he wasn't my first serious sexual relationship.

I was scared and ran because I was there in the hospital when his first child was born (He and baby's momma had a one night stand). The rumors were that the baby wasn't his. I asked him to get a test when she was three weeks old, he wouldn't so I ran away. I didn't want to love her like my own to find out she wasn't his (and she is not). He didn't find out until there second was 3 and he was living with the baby's momma. They are not together.

He is my mate. My soul mate. He is the only person that I don't second guess myself around (that comes from the crappy childhood, yes, I have had loads of counseling. Oddly enough I have never be medicated). When I talk to him I have no worries of judgment. I feel like a whole person with him.

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Just so I'm clear, when your ex and you started a relationship, he wasn't involved with the first child's mother, which ultimately turned out not to be his, and then, later, after you "ran away", he continued with this other woman and they had a second child together and he found out he wasn't the father of the first when the second child was about 3. Is that right? He apparently left the children's mother and applied for custody, which he now has.

 

You had no contact with him after you ended the relationship until this most recent episode. Is that right? About how long were you with him at the point in time when you ended the relationship?

 

I'm trying to establish a historical context and the timeline prior to being with your fiance.

 

Topically, since you have had counseling and are comfortable with the process, I'd suggest discussing this issue in front of a professional. I might opine differently if there weren't a child at stake here. IMO, this would serve two purposes....one, it would add some time to the process and, generally, with time comes clarity; two, it would allow the discourse to occur with a neutral third party handling moderation, so you each could more calmly state your perspectives.

 

What do you think?

 

Edited to add that, IMO, if indeed this ex is your true soulmate, that connection and love will always be there, so working out something that is healthy for all parties, particularly your child, is in everyone's best interest.

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I feel like a whole person with him.

 

I disagree with getting comfort from another just to complete an emotional problem in yourself. That I do not believe is love.

 

We are supposed already be whole when we put ourselves into a serious relationship.

 

If something is missing in your life a partner shouldn't be the missing piece.

 

Sounds like you have a lot of issues to work out with yourself or should work out with yourself before you are fit to even be in a relationship.

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We are supposed already be whole when we put ourselves into a serious relationship.

 

If something is missing in your life a partner shouldn't be the missing piece.

 

I agree with letinmotion.

I don't believe there is such a think as "soulmate" or "once in a lifetime".

 

I don't mean to judge your feelings. I think you really should leave from your current relationship, if you feel so. But don't rush with new relationship (with your ex). It's not easy to live in blended family (believe me, I know). What if your ex have totally different way to rase children than you have?

 

Does your ex know what you are planning to do? Does he feel the same way? Is he ready to take other man's child in his home?

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Just so I'm clear, when your ex and you started a relationship, he wasn't involved with the first child's mother, which ultimately turned out not to be his, and then, later, after you "ran away", he continued with this other woman and they had a second child together and he found out he wasn't the father of the first when the second child was about 3. Is that right? He apparently left the children's mother and applied for custody, which he now has.

 

You had no contact with him after you ended the relationship until this most recent episode. Is that right? About how long were you with him at the point in time when you ended the relationship?

 

I'm trying to establish a historical context and the timeline prior to being with your fiance.

 

Topically, since you have had counseling and are comfortable with the process, I'd suggest discussing this issue in front of a professional. I might opine differently if there weren't a child at stake here. IMO, this would serve two purposes....one, it would add some time to the process and, generally, with time comes clarity; two, it would allow the discourse to occur with a neutral third party handling moderation, so you each could more calmly state your perspectives.

 

What do you think?

 

Edited to add that, IMO, if indeed this ex is your true soulmate, that connection and love will always be there, so working out something that is healthy for all parties, particularly your child, is in everyone's best interest.

 

Carhill . Great opening statement ! Are you in law ? :)

 

Okay as for OP, now you said you went down to another city 14 hours away . Did you plan to meet your old bf ?. Did you want to ? Are you sure this is not some unresolved set of old feelings ?

 

So you leave with the child , throwing the childs life in turmoil and the dads life. So you go back and 2 weeks later you decide this is all a HUGE mistake ! Then what ?

 

Okay how long has it been since you have seen the old bf 14 hours away ??? Prior to this last trip ?

How many months ?

 

People do change ....you may not see it but you BOTH have changed since your lovey dovey days. Time does that you know.

 

And while chemistry may always be there love changes. It must. And it does , with or without your consent.

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Regardless of your lack of feelings for your fiance, do you really think it is best for his kid (yeah, it is his as much as yours), to remove his influence and attention from your child?

 

Just because you on impulse went off and cheated with your ex?

 

Don't marry this poor guy if you must move on. I see the wisdom of that, not making him live a lie with you.

 

However, whatever you do, do not deprive your child of his love and attention.

 

You may not get to do that even if you want to. If he is any kind of father he will want to ensure his parental rights.

 

Honor them over your selfishness.

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I have talked with my fiance. Asked to him to move with me, explained that I want to have my daughter closer to my family. 14 hours away, is where my entire extended family lives. All within a 2 hours radius. My parents, all three sets of grandparents (I have lived in a blended (both in siblings and culture) family since I was 6), my brother, two sisters, numerous aunts and uncles. Is it ok to want them to be in my daughters life?

My fiance says he wants "us" to be happy wherever we are, but that he is not willing to move there. He doesn't want to go there and then be unhappy. He doesn't to end up like me. Unhappy and alone. He doesn't want to leave his dad alone either. (His dad is the only family he has, his mother passed away this year, I found her. It was awful). I am a selfish, horrible person who doesn't deserve his love. I know that.

At this point the ex is not even in the picture. I want to go to be closer to my family. I have explained that to him as well. This whole thing is truly about me. I am a selfish horrible person who doesn't deserve anything I have. Then I think about my life again. I survived my childhood for a reason, I am not in prison or a drug addict for a reason.

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Just so I'm clear, is your family 14 hours away by plane (like US to Australia) or a 14 hour drive? That makes a big difference, IMO.

 

Why would you describe yourself as a horrible, selfish person? Those are words from an old unhealthy tape that's not your responsibility. Forget them. If your fiance says those words to you, tell us he says it; don't take it on as your own.

 

There's more to this than your fiance being "unhappy" there. What is it? Does he know about your affair with your ex?

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14 hour drive. It is only a 1 1/2 plane ride.

No he doesn't know about the affair. Just telling him that I am not happy here was enough to send him over the edge. He was very mad that I even brought it up. He told me to hurry up and decide what I was going to do because he didn't want to deal with this and the passing of his mother. If he was going to grieve, he only wanted to do it once. He told me I was mean. I have wanted to tell him for two years that I am unhappy. But life always got in the way. I couldn't find the right time to tell him. Then I realized there would never be a "right" time. I just had to tell him. I don't want to push him there, I don't think he would be happy. He #1 thing in life is to go dirt track racing. Living there wouldn't allow for that. He leaves me and his daughter home alone most weekends from April to October. Financially we can't afford to all go. It's expensive. I do think that being #2 in his life and being alone here with no family have made me even more sad.

He is really mad at me for even bringing it up. He told me I shouldn't have just packed up and left. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no, but then nothing else. He told me to quit sulking around. I asked him if he really wanted to marry me. He didn't answer, he just said he didn't think he life would end up like this.

I feel like a selfish, horrible person for not telling him sooner, for telling him now. He did just lose his mother and he is an only child.

I don't know if there is help for someone like me. I am screwed up. I should have keep my mouth shut and sucked it up. Too late now.

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You know what? Everybody over here will tell you that cheating is not ok and I know you know that cheating is not ok. But as much as this is wrong, you are NOT a horrible person. I can totally understand you. Being 14 hours away from your family and not having besides you a man who cares more about you than about his truck racing leaving you and your baby at home all alone is NOT easy. I left home (in another county) when I was 15 and I spent most of my life alone. It's easier when you are younger but not when you are 30 and when you have a baby. All relationships are about compromising and maybe your husband is just not putting enough into this relationship and that's why you feel even more lonely. Honestly, I don't like the way he behaved when you told him you were unhappy. I understand that this is not a good thing to hear about but you did not shut the door in his face. You asked him to move with you. I understand it's scary for him just as it was for you but if he were a more sensitive man maybe he would have at least tried to talk to you about this. If he never wants to understand you and communicate with you you will always feel lonely and maybe it's for the better for the two of you to part now than several years down the line. Try to figure out what makes you happy and go for it. Don't feel lonely for the rest of your life. This will also make your child unhappy.

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Just one note... Your ex (who you think is your soulmate) also seems pretty messed up to me. So, do yourself a favor and figure out what you want and need to be happy ALONE. Don't rush into another relationship that definitely won't make you happy. Only when you've healed and got over the current unhappiness will you be able to be in a mature and fulfilling relationship. Good luck and take care of yourself.

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