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I don't know how to deal with this situation


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I am very torn these days.

 

I got engaged with the most wonderful man in the world a couple of months ago and we have already set the wedding date to be at the end of the year. Now, things do not always go perfectly - last week his son died and we had quite some argument since then.

 

I've always had some insecurity issues bascially coming from his being too supportive to his ex-wife's financial needs and jealousy issues when he's around his daughters or when he's on the phone with them. When his son passed away, I was in the hospital with him and had been there with him for two days prior to his son's death. After his son died, I couldn't deal with the fact that I was left out as he needed to comfort his daughters and discussed funeral details with his ex-wife so I decided to give him some space and left two days after his son's death.

 

Now what happens is that we are constantly in an argument whenever we have the chance to speak on the phone. He told me that he wished I were there with him - but when I asked him that I will fly there he refused. Tonight he kept telling me how special his son's friends are, that he had a few drinks with them, and that he learned different aspects about his son which he never knew before and I was very upset with him as he forgot to give me call as he promised and I couldn't find him on his mobile.

 

I knew I need to be supportive especially at this point of time, and give him as much time as he needs to mourn since his son just died. So any insights about how I can deal with this and mostly how I can keep my own insanity would be very much appreciated.

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It really sounds as if what's needed to maintain your sanity is individual therapy for yourself. There is just too much going on for you so, IMO, you do deserve professional guidance and support rather than a forum such as this. You deserve proper help.

 

My sympathies to your partner, on his tremendous loss. I can't imagine what he and the boy's siblings and mother must be going through.

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Just like you said.You need to be tremendously supportive with him.Of course the two of you may have arguments, because he's devastated about the death of his son,so it's like he takes it out on you.He's going through turmoil because his son is dead and he has to bury his son.As for your insecurities and jealousy ways about him communicating with his family,you need to stick and fork in it, and basically cut it out.That's really crazy that you would feel this way about him communicating with his kids.As for him refusing to not allow you to come out there, I don't know he's definite reason.The only thing that I can come up with is, he don't want to start any confusion with you being there and his ex-wife being there, that type of thing.

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Thank you both for your input. Unfortunately conseling isn't very popular in my country therefore I do not know a good and reliable therapist who I can go to. I used to post in this forum a while back under a different name, of which password I don't remember. However it was good and therapeutic to be able to see things through different perspectives and it helped me a lot back then.

 

I think my jealousy over my partner's relationship with his daughters are probably coming from the fact that I have a very distant relationship with my own father. My partner is considerably older than me and I sometimes see him as a father figure. I understood this and have discussed with him in the past.

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I think my jealousy over my partner's relationship with his daughters are probably coming from the fact that I have a very distant relationship with my own father. My partner is considerably older than me and I sometimes see him as a father figure. I understood this

This needs MUCH more than a conceptual understanding of your problem.

You need to work cognitively to change your perspective. Regardless of any age difference, you are now an adult in an Adult-to-Adult relationship. You must use your logic and reasoning to ensure that the dynamics reflect your current reality and developmental level.

 

Resolve your issues around your child-parent relationship with your dad, and do not bring dysfunctional Child-Parent dynamics into your romantic relationship. That is a function of your conscious, rational mind -- to apply intellect to separate your childhood traumas and family-of-origin issues from your adult feelings, beliefs, triggers, reactions, behaviours, etc.

 

When you think about it, doesn't it strike you as ludicrous to use your own unhealed emotions and relationships to excuse and justify your jealousy and resentment towards his children? Surely you deserve better for yourself? And do he and his kids not deserve better for themselves?

 

What struck me as just...incredible...is that your partner lost his son just a week ago, and already you are focusing pretty much exclusively on your own needs, upsets and insecurities. I can't begin to tell you the empathy, compassion, understanding, sympathy, caring, concern and support that is glaringly, horribly, painfully absent from your post. At least, I didn't see any of it.

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What struck me as just...incredible...is that your partner lost his son just a week ago, and already you are focusing pretty much exclusively on your own needs, upsets and insecurities. I can't begin to tell you the empathy, compassion, understanding, sympathy, caring, concern and support that is glaringly, horribly, painfully absent from your post. At least, I didn't see any of it.

 

Thank you for pointing this out. I need more than a night to think it over before I can reply. I am too emotional at this point.

 

I don't resent his daughters. I treat them like my own sisters. I clean their house and iron their shirts when I get a chance to stay in their house. I get jealous when my partner supports them as if they were still teenagers which my father never did for me when I was in my mid twenties (which is how old they are now) No, I agree it's not an excuse to justify my "jealousy" (not "resentment"); nor is it the way I will teach our children in the future as I've repeatedly communicated with my partner.

 

My partner's son was unforunately like a stranger to me. I only got to meet him one day before he passed away. They were not in speaking terms for a couple of years until a couple of months ago when his son's doctor told him he had only that much time to live. I was told his son was not respectful towards him and that's all I knew about him. I don't need to say how much time I spent in the hospital with him so that he could stay with his son. I don't need to say how I helped him when he was so eager to put cold towels on his son's head in order to get his temperature down. No I did not do much; and it's ashame and strange to say so but I do feel more sorry for my partner than for his son's death.

 

Now when I begin to think of it, I don't know who's the more selfish one. But when I shut down my business and left my friends and family behind so I can fly thousands of miles away to a foreign country to be with him, he told me he will buy me a scooter when I find a job in the city (in a country where I have no residency and no permit to work and no help from him in job search) while he told me that he just asked his daughter to write his ex-wife a check so she could buy a new car; and while we were planning a trip to South America and he canceled it without discussing with me simply because his daughter was planning to get married one month after our planned trip.... the only thing I know is that I am being narrow-minded now. As for the rest, I really don't know what to think.

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Thank you for pointing this out. I need more than a night to think it over before I can reply. I am too emotional at this point.
2ndWife, I am sorry for my part in that. As per my original response, I really would have been more than happy for a therapist to help you figure it all out, but since you don't have access to one AND you asked for different perspectives...well, I didn't want to cop-out on you, either.

I don't resent his daughters. I treat them like my own sisters. ... it's not an excuse to justify my "jealousy" (not "resentment"); nor is it the way I will teach our children
That is again demonstrating the pattern of which you are already aware. You are, for all intents and purposes, their step-MOTHER not their step-sister. (For me, resentment and jealousy go hand-in-hand. One is not better or worse than the other. I think it's just personal definitions that got in the way.) In any event, you won't be able to effectively teach your children any behaviour that you are unable or unwilling to role-model.

 

I don't need to say how much time I spent in the hospital with him ...how I helped him ... No I did not do much; ...I shut down my business and left my friends and family behind ... he told me he will buy me a scooter when I find a job in the city (in a country where I have no residency and no permit to work and no help from him in job search) .... the only thing I know is that I am being narrow-minded now.
You DID say that you have engaged in "quite some argument" with a man who just lost his son a week ago. You DID say you that were "very upset" because the same man missed phoning you because he had gotten caught up with people who were helping him through his grief. You DID make excuses for what you already know are your own maladaptive coping strategies, thoughts and attitudes.

 

Being at the hospital and getting cold compresses is the least that you had to give. Most empathetic individuals would do that for even the most casual of friends. And it does not take much thought and heart to be able to realize how incredibly helpful and healing it would have been for your partner to spend time with his dead son's friends, who were helping him gain a fuller appreciation for that human being he used to call "son". And I assume you WILLINGLY moved to be with him, and also that you KNEW full well that you'd have to find your own job...after you got your work permit. (Why did you not simply remind him of his promise about the scooter once you started working, instead of carrying a grudge about it all this time?)

Independence, self-reliance and self-responsibility are just part of the deal of being a well-functioning adult.

 

That a whole new batch of victim thoughts arose within you is something that you may also want to reflect upon whenever you are ready. Not for any other reason than a victim mindset, dysfunctional coping strategies and unhealthy relationship dynamics do not bode well for your own happy and successful future.

 

But. I don't see it as being "narrow-minded" (though perhaps that's again just a difference in our personal definitions.) Over time, a good therapist would have helped you to see that the attitudes and perspectives expressed are limited only to your own needs and emotions, and helped you to expand it to also encompass the needs and emotions of others.

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