Will he ever marry me?

[Tenki]

I would really appreciate any input on this. I am involved in a committed relationship with the love of my life. He's the sweetest most sensetive man - I never thought someone like him could exist. He really does make me happy, but lately I feel less and less of that.

[blind_otter]

How long have you been together? Have you spoken about marriage/let him know that it is important to you? How exactly does he make you feel happy? How has that diminished recently? How long has it been that things have been less than satisfying to you? Are there any specific events that coincided with this diminished level of happiness?

 

Details details....

[Tenki]

I'm sorry the rest of my message didn't go through. Here it is:

 

I would really appreciate any input on this. I am involved in a committed relationship with the love of my life. He's the sweetest most sensetive man - I never thought someone like him could exist. He really does make me happy, but lately I feel less and less of that.

We have been together for two years. He has said that we will definitely get married one day, and that we will always be together. The problem is, I just want him to grow up! He doesn't want to. He's 20 and still lives with his parents, with no plans to move out. His parents treat him horribly too; he has a 10:00 pm curfew, and he is always upset about the way he is treated like a child. It is a constant battle to spend time together because his parents simply do not want him to be in a relationship. We see each other every day because we commute to college together, but the only day of the week we really get any quality time together is Friday. He says Friday is our day, that his parents cannot take that away from us, but any time they put up a real fight he gives in and says he can't see me.

I've been trying to get him to travel with me to visit my family. I want them to meet each other before my grandmother dies, but every time we try his parents say he can't go. They say they're "just not ready for that." I think it's none of their business at all. The same thing occurs when I ask him to take a trip or vacation with me. He says his parents would never allow it, and that he can't afford it. I would GLADY pay the price for both of us. I'd work night and day for the money if that's all it took. Well, these days he's about to come in to about $2000, and he says he's going to use it to go on a cruise with his best friend, and that I can't go because his parents wouldn't allow him to go if I was there and that his friend would feel left out and awkward with me there. That absolutely breaks my heart.

I'm due to go get my pap smear done again so that i can get my pill prescription refilled. I absolutely hate it, and I would feel so much better if he were there with me. The way I see it, it has to do with both of us, it's so that we can be safe. But he won't go. He says it would hurt him too much to see me touched by someone else. I've tried to make him understand that I really need him on this. I need him to grow up for just this little bit, just enough to be supportive for his girl. He won't.

Now come the marriage difficulties. I cannot get him to commit to any sort of time frame for our formal engagement or marriage. He says he wants to live without me for awhile first, with some other roomate I guess. He says he wants to experience independence before moving in with me. That hurts, because it makes me feel like he thinks of me as just another constraint, like his parents are. The thing is, it's going to be years before he even considers moving out of his parents' house. How many more years after that will it be before he moves in with me? Will he ever? He says his parents dated for seven years before they got married, and they never lived together. I think he kind of admires that. He says his mom wanted to get married so bad, that she threatened to leave his dad if he wouldn't marry her. He did after that. I told him I didn't want us to end up like that. He said "Me neither. I can't believe my mom did that to my dad." His mom? what about how his dad wouldn't committ to her for SEVEN YEARS?

I just want my boyfriend to grow up. It hurts that he's in love with me, that he says we're going to be together forever, but he's not absolutely excited and ready to get married and share a life together. I just wonder if he ever will be, or if I'll have to do what his mom did. I don't want it to go that far - that's not an option for me. I feel like if you truly love each other, then nothing else should matter: not money, not circumstance. I just don't know what to do.

[blind_otter]

Well I don't know what to say - you're right, he does need to grow up. TBH, I think he's right that he should move out and live on his own before you guys live together. It's a huge mistake to go from living with your parents directly to living with your lover. Eventually he may be resentful that he didn't get any time to be independent - and the early 20s is a time of a lot of growth and change. You guys are so young still....

 

Ultimately it is up to him to stand up to his parents and establish his adult identity.

[allina]

When it comes to life experience marriage is a world away for your bf. I don't think he is able to grasp the idea of marriage at 20, with a curfew and living at home. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do before he can settle down. I found the gyno thing to be disturbing. It will hurt him to know a doctor touched you? That's not normal, you should talk to him about that one.

[starlet]

Ya, it seems like he is just really young right now. You thread poses the question "Will he ever marry me?" but at this point he is only 20 years old. He has so much growing up to do and I think once he is in his late 20s, he will definitely want to marry you, but right now he is just living the life and not growing up. IMHO.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Dear Sweet Tenki,

 

Please take my criticism as constructive. I only wish to help.

This relationship seems too immature for marriage already. I think growing up needs to be done a little bit on both sides.

 

You want your boyfriend to go with you to get a PAP SMEAR? I know your trying to be safe and all... but I think the LAST thing a guy wants to do is sit next to his girlfriend while a doctor goes down under to swab you. Its not very attractive, actually, it's quite gross. Do you really want you BF to see your vagina pried wide open with metal clamps? I don't think he'd be sexually stimulated for a long time after seeing that. I can see him being supportive enough if he offered to drive you there, or pick you up afterwards, maybe sit in the lobby till your done, or even just take you out for Hagan Dazz and a cuddle fest afterwards to soothe you... but really... don't make the poor guy feel bad for not wanting to go watch you get a pap smear. He really has nothing to do with the smear itself, and I think they are kind of personal, like somethign that should be between you and your doctor. Sure, you have sex with your BF, and he is part of the sex and the passion that goes along with it... but the smear? Think about it... What is a pap smear for? Yes, getting the procedure done will allow your doctor to refill your birth control, but they are not so much meant for that... they are intended to detect any lumps, signs of vaginal cancers, yeast infections, STDs, and all that other yucky stuff that guys arn't interested in. Be kind, and be strong... go through the pap on your own and take some private time together afterwards.

 

Now, they guy is only 20 years old, and don't forget that men mature 2 years slower then women do, and thats a scientific fact. So if you are the same age, then he is still in the brain of an 18 year old you! Do you follow? All I know is, I am a completely different person then I was when I was eighteen, and I have not dated the same kinds of guys either.

Also, if he LETS his parents run his life by their stopwatch, then he probably isnt ready to get out on his own. If he jumps from living with his parents directly to living with you, then he will ALWAYS be wondering what it is like to live on his own, only making him want to get out even worse when hes with you. It probably doesn't have ANYTHING to do with you Tenki, its just a natural thing guys want to experience is getting out on their own. If you deprive him from that then yes, you are somewhat acting like his parents in that you're refusing to let him live his life in a style which is comfortable for him. (These are just some things to think about)

 

When you said "He says Friday is our day, that his parents cannot take that away from us" that instantly proved to me that he is just not mature enough to step out onto his own. It sounds like a highschool romance almost where the PARENTS are problematic, but you said that he isnt ready to move out of his house for a while, which tells me, he isnt ready to mature up yet, which also tells me that you are going to be very unsatisfied for a long time if you can't accept/support the position he is in for the time being. A guy doesn't like a girlfriend that can't understand the situation he feels comforatble living in. He might complain that it isnt a comfortable situation, but it's not up to you to make his decisions for him. He has to choose for himself what he wants to do with his life... and I know it's somewhat difficult to swallow but there is 2 parts of your boyfriend, there is "YOUR BOYFRIEND" as his own individual, and "YOUR BOYFRIEND" as your relational partenr. Remember, hes been with himself (and his parents) alot longer than he's been with just you, so support his decisions, don't criticise them. If you chose to support his decisions, one of two things will happen. Either you will live contently until he decides to get married, or you will drive yourself silly waiting and live a very unsatisfied life.

 

Accept him for who he is, and things will get better. Let him grow away from his parents on his own, and things will mellow out. He has an attachment to them it seems, and if he didn't care for them, then he wouldn't be listening to them. As much as it sounds to me... I'd hold onto him, because he seems like a guy who aims to please (his parents now, but possibly you later).

 

Even if he doesn't commit for 7 years like his father, it doesn't make the relationship any different does it? What does a wedding with flowers and a piece of signed paper have that your relationship doesn't? Don't get too serious at this precious age. There is still a world of decisions and adventuers waiting for you.

 

Tomorrow is a new day... there are no mistakes in it yet... Take a deep breath when you wake up tomorrow and think of that...

 

I hope I didn't come off as mean. Please excuse me if I had.

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

I can't blame your bf. He is definitely too young to consider marriage or a live in relationship. He has to "sow his wild oats" so to speak at this stage in his life. Let him go on vacation with his friends if he wants. I don't know how old you are but if you are younger than him you need to live your life some also before marriage.

 

As far as him not going to the gyno with you, well can you blame him? Take your mom. Anyway, I don't think he can be in the room when you are in the stir-ups anyway.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sorry, but I don't see any indication whatsoever that this guy intends to marry you. You are making the mistake of thinking that his circumstances are keeping you two from getting married. They aren't keeping you from getting married - he is keeping the two of you from getting married, and using his circumstances as excuses. Why? He may want to be with you for the time being, but he doesn't want to marry you.

 

I expect you will hang on for a while thinking that if the circumstances change, he will change his mind but I can tell you this: when he runs out of excuses he will simply come up with more.