Jump to content

nearly non-existant sex life after engagement?


Recommended Posts

Hi,

I could really use some advice! My fiance and I got engaged last June and since we've been engaged, our sex life has disappeared. We've probably had sex twice in the past month or so and even then, those two times were pretty crappy. Just shallow kisses and barely any foreplay. Otherwise he's either always too tired or he's turning me down for a computer game. World of Warcraft especially.

 

I've tried everything. I've tried subtlety, which we all know doesn't work on men, I've tried the full-blown lingerie fest and have even stood at the office door waiting for him to notice me. And what do I get, not now honey. I's playing my game. I've even told him to get rid of the game, which he didn't start playing until after we were engaged. I've brought this up to him and he says he's still attracted to me.

 

The problem is, i don't FEEL like he's attracted to me anymore. He has turned me down EVERY time I've made an advance.

 

He even turned me down on Valentine's evening after we'd gone to a romantic restaurant, which was his idea, and had some time to ourselves. Said he was too tired. I may as well have spent Valentine's night in an empty bed.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I'm pulling my hair out. I don't want to be engaged, and eventually married, to a man who rarely touches me further than a kiss even if he does do romantic things on occasion! How can we rekindle the passion?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

That is weird!

I never turned down sex. Of course, i probably have a problem because i would pleasure myself to spice girl videos after marriage.

 

Anyway, could it be he might be a closet homosexual. Im being totally serious here. Maybe you are his fence and now that you are engaged he doesnt feel he has to prove it to you?

For some reason he doesn't feel the urge, and i can't explain that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I bet it's the WOW. You said he didn't start playing it until after you got engaged, right? That stuff is like crack. It's probably all he can think about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I bet it's the WOW. You said he didn't start playing it until after you got engaged, right? That stuff is like crack. It's probably all he can think about.

 

How does anything top sex though? Nothing can be THAT good. It cannot suppress sexual urges, can it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, being at the computer so long, all it takes is a simple alt-tab to view porn, crank one out, then go back to playing WOW. So he may be getting his fill that way.

 

Examine his underwear after playing. Seriously

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey,

 

You might want to check some yahoo group called wow widow.

 

They have all kind of stories like yours.

 

Is a support group for people whose partners spent most of their time in the game. You have to join though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How about ....

 

Walk into the office where he's playing. Slide up next to him with your full body pressed against him. Then gently lay the engagement ring on top of the keyboard and proclaim "I now pronounce you Husband and Game". And walk out.

 

Then go out with friends, or just go out. Shut your cell off. Don't answer his calls if he does call. And when you're ready, go home.

 

Guarantee he'll be in a state of panic. Sit him down and tell him his Wow game is killing your relationship, and he can choose to work with you or not. And if he doesn't want to... up to you, but starring at the rest of your life exactly as it is right now would make me ditch the whole thing and start over with someone who isn't a video game freak. Trust me, life with an a person who ignores you for a video game SUCKS.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How about ....

 

Walk into the office where he's playing. Slide up next to him with your full body pressed against him. Then gently lay the engagement ring on top of the keyboard and proclaim "I now pronounce you Husband and Game". And walk out.

 

Then go out with friends, or just go out. Shut your cell off. Don't answer his calls if he does call. And when you're ready, go home.

 

Guarantee he'll be in a state of panic. Sit him down and tell him his Wow game is killing your relationship, and he can choose to work with you or not. And if he doesn't want to... up to you, but starring at the rest of your life exactly as it is right now would make me ditch the whole thing and start over with someone who isn't a video game freak. Trust me, life with an a person who ignores you for a video game SUCKS.

 

Sounds like he is a video game addict..it's an increasing problem in today's society. I counsel people with this problem and it effects every area of their life and destroys their relationships. Its like being addicted to a drug.

 

You need to do an intervention. QUICK. I agree with Walk that you need to sit him down and give him a piece of reality. Tell him you are worried and you think this game is ruining your relationship. Ask him if he would be willing to get help (counseling, support groups) and tell him that you don't want to marry someone who's life resolves around a video game. Tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but he needs to get help in order for your relationship to have a future. If he doesn't agree to the intervention, I suggest that you seperate yourself from him for awhile (go stay with a friend or parents) until he comes to his senses. That may give him the wake up call he needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sounds like he is a video game addict..it's an increasing problem in today's society. I counsel people with this problem and it effects every area of their life and destroys their relationships. Its like being addicted to a drug.

 

You need to do an intervention. QUICK. I agree with Walk that you need to sit him down and give him a piece of reality. Tell him you are worried and you think this game is ruining your relationship. Ask him if he would be willing to get help (counseling, support groups) and tell him that you don't want to marry someone who's life resolves around a video game. Tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but he needs to get help in order for your relationship to have a future. If he doesn't agree to the intervention, I suggest that you seperate yourself from him for awhile (go stay with a friend or parents) until he comes to his senses. That may give him the wake up call he needs.

 

 

I agree with what most everyone has been saying. I've tried to sit him down to talk about it, but he gets VERY defensive. He works the night shift every night so i usually don't get to see him in the evenings or through the night period. Then he sleeps about 10 hours from 7 am to early evening and the rest of his free time is usually watching tv or playing his game until work. I've asked him about it and he just says its his way to relieve stress. Isn't SEX a good way to relieve stress? ::sighs:: Could our sex issue be more the problem that he works nights? But then again, I'm still getting turned down when he plays that game.

 

And I have thought about leaving him. At least for a couple weeks. But I also have a son to worry about, and I'm afraid it would disrupt his life if I packed him up and left. At least my fiance puts some time in with my son. I actually got to sleep in today while he watched him. I just can't help but wonder if the game is just an excuse not to sleep with me. I admit, I don't look as good as when we first met. I've put on about 40 pounds in the past 6 months, I've found gray hairs (I'm only 22!!!!!) and I'm stressed out all the time because of finances. But usually when I initiate sex, I'm relaxed and wanting to have some fun. He just doesn't want to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What about the rest of the relationship? Which way did the river flow, from sex to relationship, or vice-versa? Those answers could be pretty telling, IMO. How are his relationships with other loved ones and friends?

 

As directx mentioned, he might be enjoying the alt.binaries newsgroups a bit too much (if I caught their drift right). Newsgroups are an addiction all their own LOL..

 

When is the wedding scheduled?

 

Lastly, if you want to lose weight and color your hair, do it for you. If he's really in love with you, that stuff is irrelevant to his feelings and desire. And, trust me (my wife is a stylist and went gray in her early twenties), you're not alone :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

I expect that right now he sees sex as an obligation, and WOW as fun and a way to escape obligation in general. I know some WOW addicts and I couldn't imagine being with one. They are either obsessed with leveling and quests, or they are obsessed over someone they met ingame. You will want to make sure that its the game he is obsessed with and not someone on the other end of a character that he interacts with. You'd be surprised how many affairs start from people meeting ingame.

 

Either way, the game has got to go, at the very least until you and he can get to the bottom of why he is disinterested in sex and turns to fantasy instead. You will want to be open to whatever he may say as well - even if it comes down to a matter of him simply not being attracted to you anymore. If you aren't open to him being completely honest about it then understand this: he will simply lie to save your feelings and bury himself deeper in away from you. I surely would not get married under such circumstances hoping he will change on his own. I don't see that happening.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Another one bites the dust. I hate WoW for that. Somebody else mentioned the Yahoo group for WoW Widows, its a fantastic resource and support system. I recommend you give him the choice of you or the game, and do not try to negotiate it, WoW is a game that cannot be played in moderation, its an addiction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda

World of warcraft is an overrated game. Hands down.

 

I feel sorry for couples who break up over a stupid computer game, they say it's addictive and I know how addictive games are but damn.

 

Well we all can learn from it, WoW sucks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree with what most everyone has been saying. I've tried to sit him down to talk about it, but he gets VERY defensive. He works the night shift every night so i usually don't get to see him in the evenings or through the night period. Then he sleeps about 10 hours from 7 am to early evening and the rest of his free time is usually watching tv or playing his game until work. I've asked him about it and he just says its his way to relieve stress. Isn't SEX a good way to relieve stress? ::sighs:: Could our sex issue be more the problem that he works nights? But then again, I'm still getting turned down when he plays that game.

 

And I have thought about leaving him. At least for a couple weeks. But I also have a son to worry about, and I'm afraid it would disrupt his life if I packed him up and left. At least my fiance puts some time in with my son. I actually got to sleep in today while he watched him. I just can't help but wonder if the game is just an excuse not to sleep with me. I admit, I don't look as good as when we first met. I've put on about 40 pounds in the past 6 months, I've found gray hairs (I'm only 22!!!!!) and I'm stressed out all the time because of finances. But usually when I initiate sex, I'm relaxed and wanting to have some fun. He just doesn't want to.

 

Voice your concerns very sternly. It's time to take action..and fast. Ask him if going to a support group or counseling would be possible. You need to voice to him that you are not happy. It's always important in a relationship to voice concerns about anything..communication is so important. Tell him you are unhappy and ask him to do something about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You really need to resolve this before you marry him. He is spending WAY too much time on this game and needs to focus on you. My best friend is a WOW widow and though she doesn't believe in divorce she is miserable at times. She's been married five years and her husband started playing about four years ago. They have a 3 year old son and her husband rarely interacts with their son at all. They live with her in laws so when she is not at home they watch the kid (not her husband) Her husband practically lives in his parents' basement and plays his game all the hours he is not at work. They recently went out for their anniversary (to a hotel and dinner while their son was at home with grandparents) She was really looking forward to this because they never get any time alone anymore. Well her husband spent the whole night complaining that he couldn't play WOW and that it was the most miserable night of his life etc. He refused to have sex with her, didnt' want to cuddle etc. Just moped because he couldn't play his little game.

 

I don't think its your weight or appearance either to be honest- my friend is the same size as when she married her husband (and he couldn't keep his hands off her and she is stunning and while her husband is rather homely (sorry but its the truth) and should be thanking his lucky stars he married such a beautiful woman, he could care less. He is just obsessed with the game. I would talk to your fiance and ask him to cut back, to make one night a week totally about the two of you (or three of you if you want to include your son) and then gradually wean him off the game.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
zomgsavemymarriage

I play World of Warcraft on a regular basis and it has never changed me wanting to have sex with my wife. The game is very addicting so it is possible that he is neglecting the sex life because of the game. Never happened to me though.

 

On the other hand, maybe he is having issues or "cold feet" about being engaged. Maybe he is stressing over it or having second thoughts about the marriage and his way of showing it is cutting you off.

 

After my wife and I were engaged the sex life started to get worse but it wasn't because she was having second thoughts, quite opposite actually. She turned into bridezilla with all the insane wedding planning. The reason our sex life is bad is because she is a exaggerated apethetic, evil prude. Read my posts and you'll see why.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh boy. This is a subject I'm familiar with.

 

My husband and I met in an online game and we're both life-long gamers. Even though it's something we actually share (or used to, more on this later), it has caused a few problems in our relationship as well.

 

When we played the game casually a few nights a week for no more than two or three hours, it was actually a very enjoyable activity and it caused no issues.

 

The problem comes from within the game itself. It sucks the player in by requiring larger and larger time commitments to progress. Often, others around you are vastly more successful due to investing these large amounts of time. This makes you start spending more time in game to catch up with friends and "guild mates" (guilds are player communities within the game) without even realizing. Before you know it, you're spending every evening of the week from 5 to 11 pm in-game involved in guild "raids" (events where the guild gets together to fight a large monster for better rewards). No kidding, I've been there.

 

Hubby and I reached that point and maintained it for a few months. Suddenly we realized we weren't having sex as often anymore or talking to each other much at all, we hardly went out, we had gained weight from not eating properly...

 

I concluded that we needed to quit the game. He complained and I told him it was ok for him to play a few times a week, but we soon realized he simply lacked the self-control to not allow the game to suck him back in, so he quit as well.

 

Fast forward to four months later, current situation. We go out a couple times a week for fun activities, we've lost much of the weight we gained and our sex life and communication are back to normal.

 

So... take this for what you will. I would advise demanding that he quits the game, period. It has and will hurt your relationship even more as time goes by. Scaling down is simply not going to work at this point in time, particularly if he's emotionally attached to someone within the game, which happens to just about every gamer I know regardless of their marital status.

 

Best of luck!

 

-E

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, I kinda took some advice. :) I went on vacation without him for 2 weeks. He says he missed me during that time. I was a little irked though that he said he'd clean the house and take care of the animals while I was gone, and when I came back the house was still a mess and I ended up having to clean it up and feed the animals. I was a little pissed to be honest. But he bought me flowers and wanted to spend the evening with me when I got back. :)

 

He hasn't played his game since I've been back. That makes me happy. His night shift, ambulance volunteering, and classes still take up the majority of his time though. ::sighs:: He's been pretty snappy and bitchy lately too.

 

I don't know what to make of him right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just a bit. A year ago, I was within regular range, but when I met my fiance, I started putting on weight. Kinda my fault, kinda his. He's a pasta addict and does most of the cooking and I lost track of my weight. I typically didn't eat pasta or pizza or all that stuff very much. I went from 155 (normal) to 186 (current). In highschool (5 years ago already wow), I was 144 which I now realize looked really good on me. ::sighs::

 

But ya know, he's not all that either. lol. He was slightly overweight when we met, but he's put on 50 pounds or so since then. Told me the other day that he just let himself go cuz he wasn't on the date scene anymore. Do I feel special?

Link to post
Share on other sites

even though you put on weight thats probably not the reason for this... maybe its the problems you guys are having with your kid. also if he put on weight it could be that he feels less sexy in bed

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...