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dallascitichic

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dallascitichic

My boyfriend and I fell in love and moved very fast but HE set the pace for our relationship. He told me he was in love with me on New Years and gave me a promise ring. A week ago he took me to a wine bar and proposed to me with his whole family in on the ordeal. The very next morning, he started picking me apart, picked a fight and took his ring back. The day after he took his ring, he gave me the ring back and said how sorry he was but he had just gotten scared and was fine.

 

A week after he proposed, he kept putting off getting my ring sized and I finally pushed the issue last Friday (we were supposed to be meeting with a florist as HE had wanted to be married in April because he knew my lease was up and did not want to wait another six months to a year to get married).

 

When I asked what was going on, he said he felt like we were moving too fast and could not enjoy being engaged because we would be swamped trying to plan a wedding while I am trying to work, take care of my son ad go to school. I overreacted and got very upset because he has gotten cold feet everytime we have passed a major milestone in our relationship. The next morning I apologized and asked when he wanted to move the wedding date back to and told him I was willing to wait longer. He now says he wants to just be boyfriend girlfriend again. He says he still loves me and wants to get married and have children but not yet. He asks that I just give him time and reminds me that he has always come around.

 

What makes this so hard is he wants to still be together every day and basically wants everything to be the same but is so scared of having us be "engaged". If he still feels the same way about me and still wants the same things with me, why was it so important to him not to have the title of being engaged? I had already told all of my family, friends and co-workers and now I feel humiliated and rejected. I still have only told my family and a few close friends what he did because I am hoping he will realize that he made a rash decision out of fear.

 

He even jokes all the time that he wishes we would have an accident and get pregnant because it would be easier for him not to have to make the decision. I am so resentful that he called the engagement off completely rather than just push back the date and it also leaves me in complete limbo because I have no idea what to do about my lease. How can he claim he loves me and yet me so scared to even be engaged to me? The ring he got me was rather expensive and I would have thoght he would have gotten cold feet then if he had doubts.. If he still feels the same way and wants the same things, why is it so scary for him to have a ring on my finger? He was so excited that he took me looking at rings twice and wanted to get married as soon as I could plan a wedding and now he has done a 180.

 

It is really hard for me not to bring it up or make snotty comments because I am so hurt and angry. Why did he change his mind so suddenly and why does being engaged scare him so much when he was so in love and wanted to do this a week ago? Now, when I push the issue he feels further away and like he wants it less and less the more he knows I want him to change his mind.

 

Where do I go from here and how do I get over the resentment and act like the engagement never happened but still move forward and be affectionate? Can this relationship be saved and still move forward? I find myself wanting to punish him and show him I can be happy without him or that he could lose me but I know that is not healthy. I cannot seem to be as affectionate to him as I once was because all I can think of is what he did and why, I am pushing him away and planning my future without him in it which I know will not fix things. I don't know how to get that bond and trust back that I feel like he has broken because he got scared. Im lost and confused. Valentines day was supposed to be our big date night and I know I will be sad if we are not together but I will also be sad on our romantic date thinking about the future we should be having but where we are now. I think things would have been great if he could just get over his fear but he thinks he did the right thing by calling in completely off rather than just pushing it back..

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how long have you been together? Just since New Years? He sounds like he is actually afraid of commitment and rushes into things to prove he isnt'. But then fear takes over again. I think it was very immature of him to propose to you and then demand that you take it back and go back to bf/gf status. He obviously put thought into the engagement as he bought the ring, involved his family in the proposal etc. I used to date a guy who was similiar to your bf. He told me he loved me after the first time he spent the night at my house (about a month into dating) and constantly talked about getting married, having kids etc. He too joked about having an accident and me getting pregnant and how excited he would be.

 

In reality he was terrified of getting married, having kids etc but he was brought up to believe that is what was expected of him. He talked about getting engaged all the time and even went out and bought a ring (well two as he decided the first one wasn't big enough so he took it back to buy another) but this was just his way of stalling. He had that ring for almost two years before I left him because I realized he just wasn't going to take that next step.

 

I'm not saying your bf is like this- maybe it was just too soon. But I can see why you are so hurt by his actions. He should not have done that and in a way its a trust issue. He did one thing- asked you to marry him- and now he is backing out of it saying he's not ready. I honestly think you need to tell him that you need to stay engaged and that you can wait awhile for a wedding (maybe even give him a one or two year engagement) and this might calm his fears and you could end up getting married before the two years is over. I think going back to bf/gf is wrong because HE is the one who pushed for and went through with the engagement. For him to take it back is hurtful and disrespectful of you.

 

Just my thoughts.

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I think the bigger question is why he proposed in the first place when he was so ambivalent about it. Have you asked him that?

 

Being snotty and pushing it is not going to make him more comfortable about being married. If this man really is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and make a lifetime commitment to, I would imagine it wouldn't be too hard to take a deep breath and step back from your feelings in order to get your relationship back on track.

 

You love him, right? So be loving and give him the benefit of the doubt. Take the pressure off him for now by telling him that you've been reacting out of hurt and that you don't want him to feel forced into a commitment, and you feel bad that this issue has come between you due to his proposal and subsequent cold feet. Tell him you will renew your lease for another year and you can BOTH take that time together to decide if marriage is right for you as a couple.

 

I'll bet if you take that pressure off, he'll come around on his own.

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May I ask how long you have been dating and what are your ages?

 

Maybe just realizing you two were actually engaged scared him. He really has no excuse for his behavior.

 

I agree with the other posters that you two should have a long engagement. Wait that extra six months to a year. It should make him feel more at ease. This way you have plenty of planning time as well.

 

He obviously loves you or else he wouldn't have proposed (included his famil, etc) and still be with you.

 

Find out what he worries are.

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dallascitichic

Actually we met when my son was only a few months old and I was crazy about him from the beginning. He disappeared on me after we spent the first night together with the explanation that he was too busy with work (traveling four days a week) and did not want to get too involved. About four months ago, we ended up talking again and he said he had wanted to contact me for a while and was sorry for how he handled things. We were together pretty much every single day after we started dating again (because he wanted to be over all the time) and he told me he loved me on New Years, gave me a promise ring and said he wanted to marry me. Then in February, he kept taking me to look at rings and one weekend when we went for a date night at a local wine bar, the bottle they brought out had "will you marry me" as the label and he got on one knee and proposed. Everything was great until he started tearing me down the next day and bringing up every fault in myself or my life and took the ring back. I took mine and my sons things and left. The following morning, he assured me everything was ok only to never get my ring sized and decide later he wanted to go back to boyfriend/girlfriend. What I do not understand is why it was so important to call off the engagement rather than just extend the date or even not set one. Now, he acts so irritated if I bring it up like I should just be over it and it is ok that he did it and just took it back. Im trying very hard to be ok with it but I am very resentful. He says he rushed and still loves me and wants all the same things but just wants time. But again I wonder why so important to not be engaged rather than just extend and t really bothers me. I no longer feel stable or safe with him and am losing confidence in the relationship. I have to make a decision on my lease soon and he asks that I only extend for six months but my rent will increase drastically and I now feel like he is very wishy washy as he proposed to his live in girlfriend of two years and backed out on that too. To top it off, he thinks it is going to be just like before with sex all the time and still talks about marriage and our future all the time which makes it even more difficult. I also feel like he is not as involved with my son as he was prior to the engagement. He used to play with him, put him to bed and wake up with him at night sometimes and now I feel like he just does the minimum and treats him more like he is just the son of someone he is dating rather than the child he wanted to be "daddy" to just two weeks ago. How do I move past this and if I do, is he one of those guys that is scared of commitment but likes the idea of it... Is he just playing house with me because he is scared to ever really get married and have a family? He was married when he was about 20 (is 32 now) and she cheated and left him for another man so I wonder if he has major fears about commitment now.. I would understand if he didnt say he still wants the same things and loves me but just wanted to push back the date, because he called it off, I feel betrayed and that it was very selfish... I now only let him come over once or twice a week and go over there one or two nights a weekend. I have also decided to just make my decisions for my son and myself based on our needs rather than wait for Bryon to figure out what he wants. How do I be ok with this? I am very sad that two weeks ago, we were both so in love and on the same page and now he seems dead set against something he initiated and pushed for. I just dont know what happened to cause him to change virtually overnight. He now feels so distant and I feel like he is focusing more on our sex life than us being ok emotionally again. The weird thing is that I would be ok if he had not proposed but now that he wants to take it back, I dont feel like I can go backwards.. Im feeling lost and would appreciate any advice.

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4 months? You've been dating for 4 months?

 

How can you be so sure you want to marry HIM after only 4 months?

 

I think stepping back and taking a lot more time would be a very good idea. You have a son to consider - you don't want to rush into a marriage with a man you really don't know all that well.

 

Renew your lease for a full year. It's a better financial decision, and it will provide more stability for your son. Next year, you'll know this guy far better than you do now and you will know whether you two have what it takes to make a lifetime commitment and raise a family together. Right now, all you know is he likes having sex with you.

Edited by norajane
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