STREMR Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Sorry this is so long!!! My fiance and I have not been together very long (8 months), but we've known eachother since middle school. He's jealous and insecure to the EXTREME, which started becoming clear to me a couple months into the relationship. Things started when he asked me how many people I slept with (which I gave him the honest answer), then again an honest answer for who these people are. Then he wanted all the details! You can imagine how GREAT it is when we see these people in public. Two of the people I slept with are from long term relationships (2 and 6 years) and the other three were one time things (although I did date all of them, i had only slept with them once). I'm almost thirty and he digs back to past relationships from when I was 16-20. He's asked me to tell him everything from my past that could ever make him mad so that way he can hear it now and get over it (which he does NOT do. We had the "who have you had sex with" talk months ago and it's still vivid and fresh). I thought about stuff and told him what I could rememer at the time of the conversation and now he constantly asks questions about them (how they were in bed, who's better in bed, if I wanted to be with them, etc...I WAS 16/17 for most of these). Anytime he found out something new he would be irate and start telling me he could never marry me knowing i cared about somebody else or knowing what I did with somebody else. I have to sugar coat everything or I'll have to hear about it for months, and then it always gets brought up again. He's even brought up people from my past DURING sex. He talks about everybody that I've kissed, had sex with, or just casually dated like they are people I've cheated on him with. He's also overreacted about people I kissed and finds it diffiuclt to believe I didn't do anything with these people beyond kissing. It's gotten to the point where if I remember something new about my past I DO NOT tell him. The main problem: I feel so guilty for little things that I've now lied to him about. There's three people I kissed during a drinking game (two at one time-almost 2 year ago, which is before me and my fiance even started talking and one at a seperate time-6 years ago). I would tell him, but I know he'll overreact based on his reactions. We can't have one weekend without my past coming back to haunt me. He'd ask if anything else happend with anybody and I always tell him no and the WORST part is he started saying "do you swear on my kids", which are now going to be my step-kids! My friends say all I did was swear nothing happend and that's all that did happen--->nothing. They say he will try and make something out of nothing and make my life hell for it, so to not tell him. These are all situations he'll never find out about unless I tell him. Whenever he finds out about something new he DOES NOT get over it and he says things to make me cry. Basically, If it hurts him, he makes me hurt (emotionally) too. What should I do? Should I tell him I lied to him and I have KISSED three other people (which were "kiss the person to your right for 5 seconds kind of thing" very high school equivelant stuff). He's already told me if I ever swore on his kids he'd leave, but I didn't know what else to do since I had already told him nothing else had happend. I'm really hurt and confused now. The closer I get with the kids the worst I feel and I'm already starting to feel like their step mom and I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP! Just to clear this up. I have and never will cheat on him. I'm having the problem where I've already lied about little things from my past and now I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
K-os Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 The main problem: I feel so guilty for little things that I've now lied to him about. I really don't think this is the main problem here. It sounds to me like you were kind of forced into these little lies because of how ridiculous he's acting. As far as I'm concerned, he's brought it on himself. Isn't the main problem his behavior? I would focus on either fixing that or figuring out if you can live with it for the rest of your life, and then worry about your white lies. I'm pretty sure everyone on here is going to give you some kind of warning about marrying this man. That's your main problem - should you even get married to this guy right now? Link to post Share on other sites
disgracian Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Is he so willing to divulge his own sexual past, or is this just a one-way interrogation? I've known quite a few people like this and to be brutally honest, warning bells are going off in my head right about now: he seems far too paranoid and controlling. There's no reason to assume this pattern of behaviour will ever change, so you may have to contemplate the fact that he will most likely regularly put you on trial for every moment you're not in his sight for the rest of your lives. Cheers, D. Link to post Share on other sites
Author STREMR Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 It's weird because when things are going good, they're going really good. He doesn't even like me talking to other guys. If I talk to much to his friends, he assumes I want to be with his friends. I was in a very long relationship before this one, which was the extreme oppositive. Basically, do what you want, but don't cheat. I left that guy to be with who I'm with now. I switched one extreme for the other, but the new one makes me a lot happier when we're not talking about these things. He's agreed to get counseling, but now we just need to go and get the counseling. As for his past. I know he's been with A LOT of people. If I ask about something, he'll tell me. However, I've clearly told him the less I know the better. I don't want to think about him with other people, so I leave his past in the past. I do find myself on trial A LOT. I've told him before he'd make a great lawyer. It also sucks how I'll get flustered and change small details in stories by accident (flustered is just a state of agitated confusion). I really do want to marry him, but I want things to change. He threatens to leave all the time. Do you think these are just threats? It's really hard to put my foot down when I'm scared he'll just leave. We're also sorta long distance and only see eacother on the weekends. He's moving with me shortly and I have had a LOT of guy friends before we started dating. I know a lot of guys will be coming up to talking to me and probably my ex as well. I don't even know how to handle these situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I agree with the other two posters..your fiance has major issues. Have you ever asked him WHY your past is so important to him and why he just has to have all the details? I know you said he wanted you to tell him now so he can get over it but this is not normal behavior. Wanting intimate details about your past sex life is not a normal inquiry from any bf/fiance. You really need to do some thinking about this. He sounds paranoid and controlling, could be a part of HIS past. Red flags are really flashing here, I'm sorry you are going through this though. My advice is to ask him what the real issue is. Explain to him that it bothers you, and if he really does want to marry you he should talk to you about what is going on. This will def. follow you into marriage with him, it might actually even get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
disgracian Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 For me the big issue here is what seems like a total lack of trust in you on his part. How can a fulfilling relationship be based on paranoia and fear? The constant threats of leaving sound like emotional blackmail, and likewise aren't a good foundation on which to take the relationship to the next stage. My only bit of concrete advice here is not to loose sight of the overall picture: ask yourself if you can tolerate married life with this person if he doesn't change. Cheers, D. Link to post Share on other sites
Author STREMR Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 I agree that he has major issues. I wonder if the counseling will help, like I said he has already agreed to getting counseling. He's very jealous and regularly asks for constant reassurance. I can only reassure him so much. I think things would be easier if I hadn't left the guy I was with for six years to be with my fiance. I definitly see where he tries to control me because he doesn't want me talking to other guys. I'm glad nobody thinks I did anything wrong by not telling him about the people I kissed..that DEF makes me feel a lot better. I realize this is a serious issue though and I need to figure out what we're going to do about getting it resolved. He's going to have these issues with whoever he is with, so I'd rather him get the help with me. The wedding is not planned until the summer of 2008, so we have plenty of time to work things out. I wish there was a cure for irrational jealousy. I really don't know if I can live under a microscope my entire life. Link to post Share on other sites
K-os Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Sounds good. I think the sooner he can start getting help the better. It might also be a good idea to go along with him at least some of the time. While this is his problem and he would be having it with anyone he was with, it's between the both of you right now. Something to think about... Link to post Share on other sites
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