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Ok guys I have just decided to break my friendship with my female "friend".

 

I guess most of you know about my situation with this girl. If not, here is a short synopsis -> We met last year and quickly became close and started hanging out a lot. In time I developed feelings for her and once she broke up with her long-distance boyfriend I asked her out for a date. She said she only likes me as a friend! I accepted and moved on but she still wanted to hang-out with me in the same way as we used to before the rejection.. and that is meeting for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times a week, going to movies, dinners, games, concerts etc... just the 2 of us. I don't pay for her nor am I a shoulder to cry on... but i find it abnormal that she wants to meet me and be with me so much even after saying that she doesn't want to date me. For anything that she wants to do whether its lunch or movie or whatever she asks me first and if I refuse then she asks her other friends... can you imagine a girl wanting to meet a guy 3 to 4 times a week for the past 8 months in the name of friendship? she has been single ever since her break-up .. that is for the past 6 months... whatever...

 

Well anyway, the reason I want to put an end to this friendship is not just b'cos she refused to date me. It's b'cos I find her behavior very abnormal... lot of peeps here on LS mentioned that she sees me as a pseudo-boyfriend.. Moreover she gets very rude and bytchy at times... today we both went to a movie and she was in an extremely bad mood... i asked what's wrong and she said she is PMSing.. yeah, so what am I supposed to do? she kept cribbing and spoilt an otherwise wonderful evening... by the end of the movie I got exhausted... she is now apologizing profusely for her bad behavior but I guess this is the last straw... I just realized that she is not even worthy to be friends with...

 

My question to you guys is this. How do I break my friendship with her? If two people are in a relationship they can "break-up" but I have to do this with a friend... and I have never done anything like this in my life before.. Telling her that I won't be friends with her anymore and stop talking seems so high-schoolish.. Is there a better way to do this? Can I instead just back-away? If i do she will sense it and ask "Why are you refusing to hang-out with me? why?"... WTF am I supposed to do/tell?

 

sorry guys... venting here... hopefully you can advice me so that I can handle it in a mature way..

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darrren12000

Well, I would say you just need to disengage. It doesn't sound like you really gave it a chance before. You need to develop a plan and stick with it. If she is someone you utimately want to "hang" with, you need to do so on a "group" basis. Only go out with her and a group of friends. Talk to her less frequently. Do not return her calls the moment you receive the voicemail. Remind yourself that it's completely for your health.

 

The most important thing that helped me was getting back into my old activities -- without my friend -- and hanging out with other friends (of course, without my friend too). If we are honest, most of us who have done the "attracted to best friend thing" would admit that we have sacrificed time alone, time with other friends, and time doing some of our favorite activities - all in order to spend time chasing our friend (and getting rejected). Reclaim YOUR TIME. There is noting more strenghtening than realizing you actually had a life without this pathetic love-draining individual soaking up all of your emotional energy, without sexuality in return. They get the best of both worlds: a fabulous, committed, emotionally intimate "platonic, but romantic" friendship, while they get to have sexual encounters without any emotional intimacy (avoiding their fears of combining sex and intimacy). Dont fall into the pseudo-boyfriend crap anymore. Run. Start doing the above steps. I would not announce to her "we must end our friendship" because that will simply invite further drama. Just slowly, but immediately start the process of disengaging (and see how far you can take it).

 

Finally, I dont see this piece of advice on here often, but it is important for you (and all others with major crushes on their best friends) to ask yourself why you would concentrate on one person like that when it is a clearly painful experience. Are we too afraid of intimmacy, so we go with what looks safe (e.g., a proven good friend). Are we lonely? Do we like to "take care" of needy people who date tragic indiviuals (but may "change" if they see how "great" we are)? Do we like the attention just as much as our friends, but we hurt because we want even MORE attention (sexually speaking). For example, NoClobber, was part of the pain from the movie situation the result of you being in yet another "date like" moment with her, but not receiving the romantic intimacy that you really wanted? Was it just her "bitchiness" that caused the problem, or were your expectations still set on there still being a "possibility" with her (hence, the dedication to one on one time). I have friends who are "bitchy" now and then, but I dont writeoff the friendship. If I wanted romance, however, my emotional response to their bitchiness would be heightened, I suppose. These are all important questions for self-analysis. Answering these questions, understanding my role in creating this friend/lover ambiguity, and taking the distancing measures detailed above helped me to move away from my painful situation.

 

GOOD LUCK!

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im very curious to see your outcome because i am in a similar sitution myself... although i have been friends with this girl forever..... and i dont know if i am goign to be rejected or not , ive givin her the time to ex over her ex before i mention something which will be in the next couple of days,,, but YES it is very draining- its hard to understand why someone would want to USE someone else for comfort and all the other stuff but not give you the romatic end of it...... you have to figure being friends is ok but the fact that you ahng otu with her so much and she says she doesnt want to date.. that limits you to getting to now anyone else.. and then what happens she finds someone and --- your by yourself

 

your right telling her you cant be friend with her will prob not be a good ending -- she may put it on you because she says she doesnt want to date ,,, im in the same situation and if this girl doesnt want anything more which she seems like she does but ,and i know at 1 point int ime she def did but i did not want to take the chance of a rebound happenning, i talk to this girl almsot 3 times a day she always calls me so blowing her off isnt the biggest option.

honestly what im going to say , and what seems as a similar situation to yours - im prob going to tell her that i really enjoy hanging out and seeing you and talking to you all the time but part of me does have romatic feelings for you and if you dont think you can see me the same way - i think i need to back off a little bit because im not giving myself the chance to get to know other people better, in hopes something may happen with you -- i dont want our friendship to change {very important} and ill always be here for you...

now honestly she shouldt react bad to something along the tunes of that .. and she may open her eyes a little bit,, you stayed around just as much - after she said she didnt want to date... not healthy trust me lol...you never know she might come to her sense's from this and see what she has in front of her ,, but honestly i wouldnt count on that but it is a possibility... she may have just wanted her freedom for a bit after she split with her ex? itll prob be hard but you have to do it otherwise nothing will change ,, and its def not good for your health

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i don't want our friendship to change {very important} and ill always be here for you...

 

Fantasy. Your friendship will change because once the romantic attraction is out there you can not go back to what you once had. It depends on how mature you both are as to how things will go down. She may freak and can't be around you thinking you want sex with her. Usually the friendships die a slow death because the dynamics of the friendship changes and you outgrow each other because your no longer close.

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.. WTF am I supposed to do/tell?

there's only one way....you say nothiing to her and explain nothing. just go into total NC with her. and i mean TOTAL NC...

 

after a while she'll get the message.

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there's only one way....you say nothiing to her and explain nothing. just go into total NC with her. and i mean TOTAL NC...

 

after a while she'll get the message.

 

But that seems so cowardly and immature Alpha.. Is there a better way?

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whichwayisup

If you want to end the friendship, just be honest and tell her why you need it to be over and that it isn't healthy for YOU. Period.

 

Explain to her that you want her to respect your wishes and that it's best if the friendship doesn't continue. Don't go into much detail, just make the point that it's not working out. No need to make her feel like s*** and put her all at fault. Hopefully she WILL respect your decision and leave you alone.

 

To end it and NOT call or give her closure (and yourself closure) will be harder for both of you.

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NoClobber, was part of the pain from the movie situation the result of you being in yet another "date like" moment with her, but not receiving the romantic intimacy that you really wanted? Was it just her "bitchiness" that caused the problem, or were your expectations still set on there still being a "possibility" with her (hence, the dedication to one on one time).

 

That's a great response Darrren!

 

To answer your question I really wasn't upset that i am in a date like situation and not receiving any physical intimacy from her. But the thought that she was benefitting from this crossed my mind... you know... like fleeting thoughts. On top of it her "bitchiness" got to me... and finally I really really do not have expectations of any "possibility" with her. In fact I pray that she soon gets herself a boyfriend...

 

The reason I am still meeting her is she is a really good friend. Moreover I am not planning to date for another couple of months... I just got a new job and I want to settle down first.

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But that seems so cowardly and immature Alpha.. Is there a better way?

 

It is very cowardly and immature. IMHO, you could:

 

1. Talk to her and tell her that it is too much for you and that it has become difficult to stay friends with her and that you can't do it anymore.

 

2. Remain friends with her, but tone down the amount of time that you hang out with her. Spend more time with your other friends and do your own thing.

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It is very cowardly and immature. IMHO, you could:

 

1. Talk to her and tell her that it is too much for you and that it has become difficult to stay friends with her and that you can't do it anymore.

 

2. Remain friends with her, but tone down the amount of time that you hang out with her. Spend more time with your other friends and do your own thing.

 

Thanks Riddler.

 

The problem with this girl is that if I say 'no' for her lunch invitation or games she will immediately sense something is wrong and starts asking "are you okay?". I think she is scared that I will break the friendship and leave.. and she makes sure that I don't do that.

 

Yesterday just before getting into the theatre we had this conversation:

 

she: shall we go to a baseball game?

me: no

she: why?

me: i am not interested in seeing the baseball game

she: no, i don't think this is about the game. why are you refusing?

me: don't keep asking why why.. i just don't want to go

she: ok i will ask bill (another of her friend that is always at her beck and call)

she: ok, how about a foot-ball game? shall we go?

me: i will see

 

i kind of ended the conversation there... this is very embarassing. i just don't know what reasons i can probably give her when she is so persistent.

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Thanks Riddler.

 

The problem with this girl is that if I say 'no' for her lunch invitation or games she will immediately sense something is wrong and starts asking "are you okay?". I think she is scared that I will break the friendship and leave.. and she makes sure that I don't do that.

 

Yesterday just before getting into the theatre we had this conversation:

 

she: shall we go to a baseball game?

me: no

she: why?

me: i am not interested in seeing the baseball game

she: no, i don't think this is about the game. why are you refusing?

me: don't keep asking why why.. i just don't want to go

she: ok i will ask bill (another of her friend that is always at her beck and call)

she: ok, how about a foot-ball game? shall we go?

me: i will see

 

i kind of ended the conversation there... this is very embarassing. i just don't know what reasons i can probably give her when she is so persistent.

 

Interesting, she almost sounds controlling. Well, if she has to ask, then maybe you should tell her. It almost sounds like that she can sense just how you are feeling and that she is trying to get the real answer out of you. With all her "why" questions, she is digging for answers. If you don't want to tell her the truth because its too hard, then just tell her that you have plans with another friend, or you have plans to do something on your own. IMO, the truth is better, but do what feels right to you.

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Here's what you should do.. okay so you want a relationship but she won't give it to you. She wants a friendship and you're giving it to her.

 

Why not reject her need for a friendship, since she's rejecting your need for a sexual relationship???

 

She's basically gettin all she needs out of you. But you ain't. It sucks, but why don't you change the dynamics so you're the one doin the rejecting. Reject her as a friend. Don't feel all bad.. like.. "but she's a good friend.. that's wrong.. it's immature..".. isn't what she's doing to your heart wrong.. and immature? But maybe you don't wanna fight fire with fire. I know, sometimes we still wanna maintain our dignity and be a good person. But at what expense are you willing to keep your dignity in tact?

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darrren12000
That's a great response Darrren!

 

To answer your question I really wasn't upset that i am in a date like situation and not receiving any physical intimacy from her. But the thought that she was benefitting from this crossed my mind... you know... like fleeting thoughts. On top of it her "bitchiness" got to me... and finally I really really do not have expectations of any "possibility" with her. In fact I pray that she soon gets herself a boyfriend...

 

The reason I am still meeting her is she is a really good friend. Moreover I am not planning to date for another couple of months... I just got a new job and I want to settle down first.

 

Hey, man, I speak from experience. My story will make yours look so damn innocent. lol. I guess what I have learned is that when you are trying to tread the "friend" / "possible lover" line, your emotions are really on edge. Yes- it is wrong for someone to act like a "bitch," but I have noticed that I was more forgiving of other friends when they acted out, than I was with the OA. I expected more. Hell, I had spent so many intimate moments with him, that I deserved more. But remove the emotion (the only way you can do this is compare her to other friends), and you dont act that way. Other friends are forgiven; she isnt.

 

You are conscious of what is going on, which is the most important thing. The next most important thing is to develop a plan and stick with it (of course you can modify things if they dont work out). I think you longterm objective should be to have her as a friendd to the extent possible. This may require some short-term distancing, however. It is totally ok. Do what YOU need to do. The biggest fear is that you will lose her altogether. Get over that. I doubt she's going anywhere. She stayed around after your professed your attraction; why would she leave if you demanded space?

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darrren12000
Thanks Riddler.

 

The problem with this girl is that if I say 'no' for her lunch invitation or games she will immediately sense something is wrong and starts asking "are you okay?". I think she is scared that I will break the friendship and leave.. and she makes sure that I don't do that.

 

Yesterday just before getting into the theatre we had this conversation:

 

she: shall we go to a baseball game?

me: no

she: why?

me: i am not interested in seeing the baseball game

she: no, i don't think this is about the game. why are you refusing?

me: don't keep asking why why.. i just don't want to go

she: ok i will ask bill (another of her friend that is always at her beck and call)

she: ok, how about a foot-ball game? shall we go?

me: i will see

 

i kind of ended the conversation there... this is very embarassing. i just don't know what reasons i can probably give her when she is so persistent.

 

she's playing you dude! she knows whats going on -- you are distancing yourself from her for your own health and she feels threatened. So, in order to prevent that, she dares you to tell her. Dayum, she's good! And the part about asking "Bill" is classic manipulation. What better way to anger and threaten you than to suggest giving her time to another guy. I am not saying she's sinister in this activity. ON the contrary, my experience tells me that many people like her (man or woman) just really crave intimacy so much that they target individuals in a romantic way to secure it. You need to extricate yourself from these "date like" situations. You are not her boyfriend, so she has no right to say that your refusal to hang out is about "something more." Just keep doing what you did - I am just not interested. Or how about this one - "Let's go with my friend, Julie." IN other words, if you want to hang with her , do it with another friend.

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she's playing you dude! she knows whats going on -- you are distancing yourself from her for your own health and she feels threatened. So, in order to prevent that, she dares you to tell her. Dayum, she's good! And the part about asking "Bill" is classic manipulation. What better way to anger and threaten you than to suggest giving her time to another guy. I am not saying she's sinister in this activity. ON the contrary, my experience tells me that many people like her (man or woman) just really crave intimacy so much that they target individuals in a romantic way to secure it. You need to extricate yourself from these "date like" situations. You are not her boyfriend, so she has no right to say that your refusal to hang out is about "something more." Just keep doing what you did - I am just not interested. Or how about this one - "Let's go with my friend, Julie." IN other words, if you want to hang with her , do it with another friend.

 

actually her telling "there's something more to it" meant that i was angry with her and that's why i refused to go to the game. remember? just before entering into the theatre she was acting very bitchy as she was PMSing.. so when i said no to the game she thought her bad behavior got to me.. she said "i am sorry. did i piss u off with my bad mood?".. in a normal situation if i refuse to go for lunch or games she doesn't say "there's something more to it"..

 

and i really don't care if she hangs-out with Bill. it wouldn't have any impact on me... everytime she asks me first for any activity... be it movies, games, concerts, dinners... and if i refuse she asks her other friends.

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Hey, man, I speak from experience. My story will make yours look so damn innocent. lol. I guess what I have learned is that when you are trying to tread the "friend" / "possible lover" line, your emotions are really on edge. Yes- it is wrong for someone to act like a "bitch," but I have noticed that I was more forgiving of other friends when they acted out, than I was with the OA. I expected more. Hell, I had spent so many intimate moments with him, that I deserved more. But remove the emotion (the only way you can do this is compare her to other friends), and you dont act that way. Other friends are forgiven; she isnt.

 

You are conscious of what is going on, which is the most important thing. The next most important thing is to develop a plan and stick with it (of course you can modify things if they dont work out). I think you longterm objective should be to have her as a friendd to the extent possible. This may require some short-term distancing, however. It is totally ok. Do what YOU need to do. The biggest fear is that you will lose her altogether. Get over that. I doubt she's going anywhere. She stayed around after your professed your attraction; why would she leave if you demanded space?

 

I think you are right on! Thinking about it some of my guy friends won't even return my phone calls for months together... and yet I try to call them again and talk. And here on the other hand I have a woman that is panicking that I will leave the friendship if she does a mistake. From yesterday night she has been apologizing again and again for her bad behavior and I have been ignoring her so far... I guess the reason is with my guy friends I know they are just my friends... But with this girl I am just not sure... She says "just friends" and yet its like I am her emotional boyfriend... That's the underlying factor that puts a twist in our relationship.

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westernxer
She says "just friends" and yet its like I am her emotional boyfriend...

 

That's because she's using you.

 

It's a one-sided friendship, as far as I'm concerned. You developed feelings for her and she rejected you. Take your dignity and run, especially if you're not getting any fulfillment from this.

 

I don't know how you put up with it for so long. I went through this once myself, and I learned to never do it again.

 

She probably won't accept the silent treatment, so just wean her off, little by little. Don't hang out unless you're with a group of people. Anything less, stay away from her.

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Forget weaning her off. I suggest letting her go to "Bill" and just let it be.

 

Being an emotional boyfriend means #2 till she gets a physical relationship with emotional ties.

 

Her actions are not fair to you, the silent treatment however cruel or jerk like; may not work for her, but it might work for you. Start distancing yourself from her but if you want to maintain the friendship; doing it in groups helps keeps it in check. Do not expect that would help. She may still ask if you want coffee or stay the night because it is raining, whatever, etc...

 

Distancing to the point of NC is the better idea.

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Forget weaning her off. I suggest letting her go to "Bill" and just let it be.

 

Being an emotional boyfriend means #2 till she gets a physical relationship with emotional ties.

 

Her actions are not fair to you, the silent treatment however cruel or jerk like; may not work for her, but it might work for you. Start distancing yourself from her but if you want to maintain the friendship; doing it in groups helps keeps it in check. Do not expect that would help. She may still ask if you want coffee or stay the night because it is raining, whatever, etc...

 

Distancing to the point of NC is the better idea.

 

Bill doesn't matter jerbear.. In her own words "he is like a big brother" to her. He is always at her beck and call. May be she took him as an example and thought all guys are like him.. That's why when I say "no" to her she gets surprised. She knows that if she calls him to a game he will immediately agree and go with her. Problem is she will ask me first and if I refuse she asks him.

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Bill doesn't matter jerbear.. In her own words "he is like a big brother" to her. He is always at her beck and call. May be she took him as an example and thought all guys are like him.. That's why when I say "no" to her she gets surprised. She knows that if she calls him to a game he will immediately agree and go with her. Problem is she will ask me first and if I refuse she asks him.

 

Then let Bill be the primary emotional boyfriend instead of you. If you don't answer or delay answering, she will eventually switch from #1 contact (#2 emotional boyfriend) to #2 contact (#3 or whatever emotional boyfriend) on the different pecking orders. When bill gives up, your friend will repromote you from #2 back to #1.

 

So what if she calls you first? She is surprised because she is losing control over you. You can not prevent her from contacting you other than turning her down again and again. Just be strong and let her be persistent. After awhile, she will give up.

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Does she hug or kiss you ? I'm curious about that...

 

She hugs me and touches me a lot (friendly kicks, tapping on the shoulder, gentle punches) but doesn't kiss me.

 

And I don't expect her to kiss me 'cos I know she only likes me as a friend.

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I don't think that you owe her anything. Just stop talking to her flat out and move on with your life.

 

Why should you consider her feelings at all? She has rejected you. That isn't necessarily an evil thing, but she now knows how you feel. Did she say, "well, I can see that this friendship is hard on you, perhaps we should stay away from each other for a while until we are both in satisfying relationships, and then we can see if we are still friends."? No. She rejected you, and then wants everything to continue as it has been, that is her getting all her needs met and you getting nothing.

 

Stop taking her calls, no matter what she says.

 

And ask yourself this: What am I getting out of this friendship? Do I feel better or worse after I hang out with her?

 

That will tell you all you need to know. I am sure that there are lots of people who think that she's the greatest, and maybe she gives money to the local ASPCA or volunteers at a soup kitchen or whatver--but to you, she is a soul-sucking harpy. And all that matters is how she is toward you.

 

Believe me, in a few months you'll realize that she isn't THAT cool, and you'll wonder why youwasted any time on her inthe first place.

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Art_Critic
I don't think that you owe her anything. Just stop talking to her flat out and move on with your life.

 

Why should you consider her feelings at all? She has rejected you. That isn't necessarily an evil thing, but she now knows how you feel. Did she say, "well, I can see that this friendship is hard on you, perhaps we should stay away from each other for a while until we are both in satisfying relationships, and then we can see if we are still friends."? No. She rejected you, and then wants everything to continue as it has been, that is her getting all her needs met and you getting nothing.

 

Stop taking her calls, no matter what she says.

 

And ask yourself this: What am I getting out of this friendship? Do I feel better or worse after I hang out with her?

 

That will tell you all you need to know. I am sure that there are lots of people who think that she's the greatest, and maybe she gives money to the local ASPCA or volunteers at a soup kitchen or whatver--but to you, she is a soul-sucking harpy. And all that matters is how she is toward you.

 

Believe me, in a few months you'll realize that she isn't THAT cool, and you'll wonder why youwasted any time on her inthe first place.

 

WORD....

 

Noclobber.. it seems that you are having trouble standing up for yourself and showing yourself self respect..

 

She has treated you unfriend worthy..

 

Move on

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darrren12000
Bill doesn't matter jerbear.. In her own words "he is like a big brother" to her. He is always at her beck and call. May be she took him as an example and thought all guys are like him.. That's why when I say "no" to her she gets surprised. She knows that if she calls him to a game he will immediately agree and go with her. Problem is she will ask me first and if I refuse she asks him.

 

She's not having sex with Bill either, I take it. So she has two men to call upon. Of course, she is just having fun with her "friends." Dont we do this all the time -- you want to hang out; you call one buddy, but that person cant make it; so you call another? That's not strange. Even the fact that she calls you first isn't strange. I tend to call some friends more than others -- and I have 3 brothers, but I tend to call my oldest first when I want to talk to my brothers. I still think she can rationalize what she is doing quite easily. It sounds like there is room to interpret what is happening as "romantic friendship," given the intimate, one on one time, but I would not make much out of the fact that she calls you over Bill. Notice what happens when you say "no" - she still calls Bill. If it were a relationship or potential relationship, would there be a readily available "replacement"?

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