FWB-No emotion/? for guys

[vi_pn_babe25]

I have a question primarily for the guys. How can a guy have no emotion when it comes to sex? I'm not saying all guys are like this but I'm saying one guy in particular that I've been seeing for 9 months seems to be able to seperate his emotions. Whereas it seems like most girls (including me) can get easily attached? Isn't there some emotion there even if it is just friends with benefits?

[ReluctantRomeo]

How can a guy have no emotion when it comes to sex?

 

I wouldn't say there's no emotion. What I would say is that we can get very attached to women (check out some of the coping threads) but sex tends not to be the trigger for this. It's just the way we're wired.

 

 

Isn't there some emotion there even if it is just friends with benefits?

 

Of course, unless he's a complete emotional retard. But don't expect fwb to blossom into romance.

[littlekitty]

Men are far more easily able to seperate the act of sex from their emotions. This is proven. Women use sex to form emotional bonds and therefore find it to be a far more emotional act.

 

That's it in a nutshell!!

 

I would say there is emotion on behalf of the man in a 'FWB' situation. However the level of emotion is likely to be one that they would feel for say, a friend.

 

I've been there done that. When I forced my FWB to tell me how he felt about me, he said he cared about me. That I was a friend he liked to hang out with sometimes, and I gave him great sex.

 

So I was basically what? A friend with benefits. Exactly what it says on the tin. And that's the emotion inside it...!!

[aleatoryd]

I don't know much about FWB or anything else like that LOL! But I suppose to some guys sex is just an act they do - something enjoyable but doesn't mean they'll love someone. Does a man paying for sex have any emotions for a prostitute? I'm not suggesting the two things are the same I'm just saying that guys can detach the enjoyment of sex from any emotions for a person. FWB is different as presumably the guy actually cares about the girl. I wonder if the girl stopped sleeping with the guy would the guy break off the friendship?

 

It's complex because people are different and sometimes one or both people develop real feelings for their partner and maybe it becomes a relationship. The problem is that if something is built on physical acts alone that doesn't always fulfil everyones needs. A person might have regular sex with some one but not "love" them. The again some people might not have had sex and love. How do you distinguish emotions from enjoyment?

[littlekitty]

I wonder if the girl stopped sleeping with the guy would the guy break off the friendship?

 

Yes is the answer.

 

I'm sorry but I can't imagine than any more than say 1% of men in a FWB situation actually end up falling for the women they are with. On the flip side, about 99% of women fall for the FWB man!!

[aleatoryd]

That's very sad but probably true littlekitty. I guess to us guys when we make an "agreement" we see it as a deal for no hassle, no strings attached sex. It's rather sad as it kind of de-values intimacy, romance and respect. I wouldn't even consider FWB as it sounds to me that the majority (but not all) of guys doing it sound like they'll just move on to another girl and all we get are broken hearted people who don't understand commitment. Very sad.

[littlekitty]

That's very sad but probably true littlekitty. I guess to us guys when we make an "agreement" we see it as a deal for no hassle, no strings attached sex. It's rather sad as it kind of de-values intimacy, romance and respect. I wouldn't even consider FWB as it sounds to me that the majority (but not all) of guys doing it sound like they'll just move on to another girl and all we get are broken hearted people who don't understand commitment. Very sad.

 

I agree with you. I don't think it's overly healthy for men as well as women. They usually end up dealing with an overly emotional women who wants more, and it probably does nothing to endear them to a committed relationship!

 

I know my ex FWB is still finding it hard to committ to women.

[michelangelo]

man:

 

FWB == friends with benefits

 

woman:

 

FWB == method of turning man into significant other unless it doesn't work. Then man is a user?

[vi_pn_babe25]

so do you think men that want/have FWB relationships are always going to be in those kind of relationships? does it have anything to do with their relationships in the past? like if it was a bad relationship, so it's hard for them to trust? OR are they just cocky, arrogant, mofo's? lol I don't mean that of all guys so guys don't get mad, but I just want to know the reason why they do it I guess. And if they guy, say is 31, do you think he'll ever settle down someday? And one more thing, if the guy keeps coming back to you he's obviously attracted to you to have sex with you, but does it have to do with personality too, or is FWB relationships just superficial?

[crazy_grl]

Maybe I can give you some insight... Or maybe not, but I'm gonna try anyway.

 

I've had 3 relationships that I'd consider FWB. The first was with an ex, after we'd been broken up, had each dated other people then broken up with them. I knew I didn't want a relationship with him. We had fun. It went well. The second one I had just broken up with my bf of 1.5 years. He'd just broken up with his gf. Neither of us wanted a relationship yet, but we didn't want to sleep around. He was an awesome guy. About the same time I realized I had feelings for him (which was after nearly a year), he started calling less. I felt used and got hurt. I still talk to him, because I don't think he meant to hurt me. He just wasn't being as considerate of my feelings as he could have been. I didn't develop feelings for him because I was sleeping with him, but because he's a really great guy and I'd be hard pressed to find a major fault with him.

 

Third was soon after that, maybe a month or so. He was hot but kinda dull and seemed a little shallow. I wasn't really that interested, but he kept calling me so it continued for a month or two. I got annoyed when he started treating me like a booty call and I stopped calling him. Didn't feel a bit of attachment or emotion toward him.

 

So for me, it's pretty easy to separate emotion and sex. I couldn't tell you how, but I can do it. I do have an extreme fear of intimacy, which is something generally attributed to guys, so that may play into it. If I wanted one right now, I don't doubt that I could have a non-emotional FWB. But I know that right now, I would like to for once have real intimacy, so I'm not interested in FWB.

 

So to try to answer your questions.

Do you think men that want/have FWB relationships are always going to be in those kind of relationships?

No. I just don't think they're looking for them at present.

 

Does it have anything to do with their relationships in the past? Like if it was a bad relationship, so it's hard for them to trust? OR are they just cocky, arrogant, mofo's?

Quite possibly any of these or all of the above.

 

And if they guy, say is 31, do you think he'll ever settle down someday?

Maybe. Maybe not. If he doesn't want to settle down, he won't.

 

And one more thing, if the guy keeps coming back to you he's obviously attracted to you to have sex with you, but does it have to do with personality too, or is FWB relationships just superficial?

Free and uncomplicated sex is free and uncomplicated sex. Unless you're just plain annoying or unbearable, I think he'll keep you around. He might really really like you or he might just find you tollerable enough to sleep with but know he doesn't want a relationship.

 

Hope that helps.

[vi_pn_babe25]

Thanks Crazy_grl!!! I always appreciate your help on my ongoing issues, I may sound like a broken record at times, lol but I just need to hear it from people that have been through FWB relationships to fully understand. Everything you said makes sense, and now I'm trying to show him that I can seperate my emotions from sex because I still want to have fun with him and he's a really good friend in fact that I wouldn't want to lose even his friendship. And that's true about at least liking the other person, because we've both said that we like each other in the past and sometimes he treats me like a gf, but sometimes I never know, so I just take it as it comes, go with the flow kinda thing. I don't think he'll ever change because you can't change a person, but who knows we'll see I guess. But I know not to force him into anything that he's not comfortable with so that's why I just take things slow.

[climbergirl]

I've always consider the FWB relationship to be an oxymoron. Maybe benefit to one side, but, more often than not I'm guessing, the other wants more.

 

Exceptions aside, I would think that it is very difficult to find a pairing where both sides can be completely & emotionally unattached.

[Curmudgeon]

OR are they just cocky, arrogant, mofo's?

 

but does it have to do with personality too, or is FWB relationships just superficial?

 

Some of the above. All of the above. None of the above. It's as individual as men are.

 

I'm a man and I'm not into casual, non-committal relationships. If I don't have feelings for a woman I don't want any kind of relationship with her.

 

In my opinion, FWB relationships ARE superficial. They're instant gratification, physical release, feel good physically relationships and nothing more, and nothing more should be pretended.

 

If the truth be known, I think they merely cheapen the term "relationship."

 

As always, just one man's opinion!

[crazy_grl]

Thanks Crazy_grl!!! I always appreciate your help on my ongoing issues, I may sound like a broken record at times, lol but I just need to hear it from people that have been through FWB relationships to fully understand.

 

No problem. Sometimes we need to hear things more than once and from different perspectives before we figure it out for ourselves.

 

I don't think he'll ever change because you can't change a person, but who knows we'll see I guess. But I know not to force him into anything that he's not comfortable with so that's why I just take things slow.

 

That's very important. Just make sure you don't let him force you into something you're not comfortable with either. If you start to have feelings for him or feel like you want a relationship, don't settle for just FWB because that's what he wants.

 

Best of luck to you.

[crazy_grl]

In my opinion, FWB relationships ARE superficial. They're instant gratification, physical release, feel good physically relationships and nothing more, and nothing more should be pretended.

 

That's one reason I decided not to have another one. They're not a real relationship and not even a real friendship. They require a lack of genuine feelings, and if there's no feelings there, I may as well just masterbate.

[vi_pn_babe25]

curmudgeon-thanks for your reply, i was wondering what a guy's perspective would be. And it's true about the "relationship" being mostly superficial, because i guess you wouldn't particularily have sex with someone if you weren't attracted to them physically.

 

crazy_grl-thanks again, well said with your last quote, lol. as for being a real friendship, i believe we are good friends because we get along and we try to help each other out with other things, and we both know that we care about each other, and we make sure we both make each other happy in every way through communication and actions.

[Touche]

man:

 

FWB == friends with benefits

 

woman:

 

FWB == method of turning man into significant other unless it doesn't work. Then man is a user?

 

FWB==Friends with benefits

 

Man: Alternative to paying for a prostitute.

 

Woman: Method of pleasing a man and hoping it will turn into something more but it never does.

[aleatoryd]

Man: Alternative to paying for a prostitute.

 

That's the problem isn't it. Women tend to get treated like sex object to use and abuse. Then they have bad experiences of men which affect their future commitment to fulfiling and itimate real relationships. FWB is bull$hit it's someone taking advantage of another. Oh sorry two consenting adults. Two people agreeing they don't love each other enough to commit. And then they wonder why one partner goes off and finds another partner for a real relationship. Or one person get's too into the other.

 

It "works" for emotionless couples or people who secretly love each other and won't admit it. Both types are deluding themselves as to the nature of their feelings and/or their relationship. I'm against the whole concept. I just hope people in these relationships find happiness - I'm not attacking you guys just showing my opinion.

[Touche]

That's the problem isn't it. Women tend to get treated like sex object to use and abuse. Then they have bad experiences of men which affect their future commitment to fulfiling and itimate real relationships. FWB is bull$hit it's someone taking advantage of another. Oh sorry two consenting adults. Two people agreeing they don't love each other enough to commit. And then they wonder why one partner goes off and finds another partner for a real relationship. Or one person get's too into the other.

 

It "works" for emotionless couples or people who secretly love each other and won't admit it. Both types are deluding themselves as to the nature of their feelings and/or their relationship. I'm against the whole concept. I just hope people in these relationships find happiness - I'm not attacking you guys just showing my opinion.

 

Well said and I absolutely agree!

[vi_pn_babe25]

Touche' & Aleatoryd- Thanks for your opinions I need to see what other people think of these kind of relationships. I definitely don't want this to mess with my head right now and then later on have a hard time maintaining a real relationship. I had a real relationship for 4 years and I end up leaving him because he became controlling. So after being with someone for so long I wanted to explore my options and along the way I got caught up with this guy that I've been seeing continuously for 9 months. The thing is, I can never really tell what he thinks of me because sometimes he'll treat me like his gf then other times it just seems like we just FWB. He's really a macho kind of guy which I think stems from him playing pro sports, but I can tell it's hard for him to show emotion. So alot of times I don't know how to read him. But I don't want him thinking I'm just going along with is because he thinks I'm stupid? I might be acting stupid about the whole FWB relationship but I honestly don't know what he thinks of me because it's always up and down ya know?

[Touche]

Touche' & Aleatoryd- Thanks for your opinions I need to see what other people think of these kind of relationships. I definitely don't want this to mess with my head right now and then later on have a hard time maintaining a real relationship. I had a real relationship for 4 years and I end up leaving him because he became controlling. So after being with someone for so long I wanted to explore my options and along the way I got caught up with this guy that I've been seeing continuously for 9 months. The thing is, I can never really tell what he thinks of me because sometimes he'll treat me like his gf then other times it just seems like we just FWB. He's really a macho kind of guy which I think stems from him playing pro sports, but I can tell it's hard for him to show emotion. So alot of times I don't know how to read him. But I don't want him thinking I'm just going along with is because he thinks I'm stupid? I might be acting stupid about the whole FWB relationship but I honestly don't know what he thinks of me because it's always up and down ya know?

 

What would happen if you sat down with him and had a real conversation and told him some of what you've said here. Nothing wrong with asking where you stand with him. And then you can decide if this is still right for you. Better than left hanging and not knowing.

[crazy_grl]

crazy_grl-thanks again, well said with your last quote, lol. as for being a real friendship, i believe we are good friends because we get along and we try to help each other out with other things, and we both know that we care about each other, and we make sure we both make each other happy in every way through communication and actions.

 

I agree that you can be real friends. I realized awhile after I posted that I should have said that they're not *necessarily* a real friendship. Though if I had to guess, I'd say that genuinely being friends is not the norm, because often the friendship ends up taking a back seat to and getting screwed up by the benefits.

 

The thing is, I can never really tell what he thinks of me because sometimes he'll treat me like his gf then other times it just seems like we just FWB.

 

I got that kind of feeling from my guy to. But you can get yourself into trouble when you start reading into his actions. You have to remember that no matter whether he acts like he might want to make you his gf, if he hasn't asked you to be, then you're not. If you're confused by his behavior and you want to know what's going on, the only way to really know is to talk to him.

[vi_pn_babe25]

Ok Ok..forgive me but I still see my f buddy, it's been a year now. I saw him today actually. BUT sometimes when I hang out with him, I tend to go in shy mode. This is WEIRD for me because I'm always outgoing, talkative and full of energy around guys and girls. So after a year of being with him and going through good times and bad, you would think that I'd be myself around him. It's just sometimes that I act like this when I'm with him and sometimes he acts the same way. I don't know if it's because his personality is sometimes too laid back or what, and maybe I'm just used to being around outgoing people so I can't really show my outgoing side all the time? I don't want him to think I'm a mute or retardeded but geez give me some slack. I guess it doesn't bother him too much or we wouldn't have lasted for this long. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing, so what is the reason for this? The only thing I can think of is that sometimes it's hard to interpret his words or actions, especially after some minor mixups, so I feel nervous or I like I can't be open. I don't freakin' know, but I don't want it to be like that!

[vi_pn_babe25]

Now I feel awkward posting that...uhh me and my damn guy problems...never freakin' ends...maybe I should get rid of my phone...that might help

 

Live and Learn huh?

[kitten chick]

I think this is a fundamental issue with f*buddy relationships. You're never really yourself because you have to put up some sort of defense mechanism up so that you don't bond with the person on any level. Your defense mechanism may be to shut down and not speak so as to not let out any information about yourself nor find out anything about him. IMHO, if you let yourself become concerned about what he thinks of you then the f*buddy relationship will not work, you really need to not care about the person too much in order to have sex without a relationship.