Gb83 Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 We see each other many days of the week. Example- Wednesday he called just to talk to me on phone and invited me over but I declined. Thursday sex in the morning and then fancy dinner at night, Friday I came over & we had sex, Saturday morning brunch only, then sex at night. He has had some miserably failed past relationships and describes himself as emotionally drained for the most part. He is not generally romantic (no cuddling for example), but holds my hand during sex at times. I just don’t get what’s going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 He's enjoying your company but that doesn't mean that he wants to commit to you in a monogamous relationship type commitment. Has he told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship "at the moment?" What was the conversation BEFORE you had sex? Did you have a conversation with him regarding his dating goal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted August 12, 2019 Author Share Posted August 12, 2019 It’s about being separated in a marriage for him. He has definitely made comments to the extent of knowing the marriage will ultimately end, saying who knows I may be The One, etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Oh girl. If you don't know how to put sex in one compartment and keep your bonding out of it, then you are in for a world of hurt more chances than not. He is grooming you to give him all of you while he doesn't have to commit to a thing. He' still married for goodness sakes. How long has he been separated and is he living in a different place than his ex or is he still living in the marital home? Have you been to his place? You say you "came over" but was it to the home he is living in since he is no longer living with his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Sounds more like casual dating with lots of sex. ****buddies is just about sex. FWBs usually don't involve this many dating activities. This seems more like casual dating. However under no circumstances should you develop feels for him. Enjoy your time together enjoy him but do not start thinking that you're anything more than casually dating. It sounds like he's fresh out of a marriage and so is just enjoying spending time with you. Do not expect exclusivity or a relationship out of this unless he indicates otherwise. These sorts of things can be a lot of fun as long as nobody gets out in front of the other in terms of expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted August 12, 2019 Author Share Posted August 12, 2019 Well, they went so far as to now live on completely opposite coasts (California/NY)... she doesn’t stay with him when she brings his son to visit, which I know because he invited me over one night... Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Then why doesn't he just file for divorce and get it done? Regardless, he's not open to being in anything committed by the looks of things so do not take his actions of taking you out to dinner once in a while as anything other than that. Until you have a conversation about what page you both are on and if its the same page or not, then consider it a casual sexual relationship in that you shouldn't trust your heart to him. How long has he been separated? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Yes, this is exactly what friends with benefits is. A lot of people (mostly women) get confused when their new FWB wants to talk, go places and do things, hold hands, etc. But the point of FWB is to have the benefits of a relationship without it actually being one, and the "benefits" of a relationship aren't just sex. Contrary to what people here might say, men like companionship and intimacy and romance too. But these guys just want the freedom to do that stuff whenever it's convenient, without having to deal with the real life frustrations that go into a commitment. It's still FWB. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted August 13, 2019 Author Share Posted August 13, 2019 Yes, this is exactly what friends with benefits is. A lot of people (mostly women) get confused when their new FWB wants to talk, go places and do things, hold hands, etc. But the point of FWB is to have the benefits of a relationship without it actually being one, and the "benefits" of a relationship aren't just sex. Contrary to what people here might say, men like companionship and intimacy and romance too. But these guys just want the freedom to do that stuff whenever it's convenient, without having to deal with the real life frustrations that go into a commitment. It's still FWB. OK. If I know I want a real relationship eventually, then what kind of time limit do you impose on this sort of thing, knowing he has a lot to sort out with divorce etc? I honestly don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect someone to be ready to end a marriage and start a new relationship when we have known each other like 5 months. In fact I feel it’s definitely not. I’ve started casually dating others but feel bad about that! Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 I wouldn't feel badly at all about dating others if I were you. At some point, maybe when you start to feel more interested in one of the other guys you're seeing, you can sit down with this guy and ask him directly where he sees you and where it's going. Unless he's explicitly told you this is a FWB situation---then you shouldn't expect that to have changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 GB, Sounds like you don't really know what you want for now. So, continue your "FWB" with him, you're both enjoying it, so why not. It's not a one way street. Now, IF you want to take it to the next step where you make a commitment, I could argue to see the divorce filing before the next date, unless there's some really good reason, but can't imagine what. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 (edited) Basically, yes, this is a Friends with Benefits (and a pretty friendly version, which sounds nice for what it is). Be aware - there isn't really any rule book about these things. It is all a sliding gray scale... some people are more friends (like you two), some are really just sex, some are casual dating (pretty much what you have going, except with casual dating it could mean you only see each other a few times a month +/-, and one or both of you may be seeing other people). From what you've described, it sounds quite nice AS LONG as you are not hoping for more commitment from him, not hoping that he will make a long-term plan with you and build toward something more serious. As it is now, this could end on any day if he meets someone else, goes back to his wife, gets a job transfer, or just gets busy with work. I can't tell from what you've written if you are hoping for more, or if you are just trying to understand what is happening, and what to expect if things continue as they are. As things are, you two sound like a friendly version of FWB, but not building into anything more. It's just going to stay like this for many months, and then fizzle out (likely) or become more serious (less likely). For STD reasons, if you want to be sexually exclusive with this man, it is important to have a direct (can be friendly, but make it very clear and out loud) conversation about being exclusive. It is OK and a good idea to do that any time you want to. If you want to be exclusive for emotional reasons, you are in very dangerous territory, and you should have that conversation with him ASAP. Edited August 23, 2019 by Sunlight72 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts