Reconnecting Problem

[mcmahan499]

I've been in a intimate relationship with this guy for 10 years. He's older at 51, and he lives out of state. We've always had this intense sexual chemistry, even up until he told me something right before I was planning to come see him.

 

Four days before, he said he had some bad news and said he was "called out" of the country" during the time I was "meant to come over." His father lives alone in Mexico, and he said he was in the hospital. Then, he said he would be there "indefinitely, " and that he would let me know "when and if I get back." He said it wouldn't be anytime soon: "4 months at least."

 

What baffles me is that he never replied after I asked him if we would stay in touch or see each other again the following afternoon. He completely disappeared for months before due to his father's heart. He had quadruple bipass 10 years ago. It's been since March, and when I tried to send a message to check in, the read receipt said he was back home.

 

He doesn't always tell the truth, and now I'm starting to wonder if there's just another woman. He did say it's been awhile when I came over last fall. My greatest concern is that even though he was all about me coming over a few weeks before this happened, why would he say "when and if" as opposed to "when?"

[Ronni_W]

He doesn't always tell the truth, [...]

If you already know that he is a liar, then why are you still trying to believe some of the stuff that he tells you?

 

Why do you try to believe his lies AFTER you already know, from your own Inner Voice, that he is lying?

[Flame Aura]

What an 'intimate relationship'? FWB basically? It sounds like you are not in a proper boyfriend girlfriend relationship?

 

 

If your relationship is only based on sex well then I'm not sure what you are expecting? He can do what he wants, he just sees you to sleep with you, and you seem fine with it if its been going in for 10 years.

[shydad]

Hi mcmahan499, from what I've read, communication with him is poor. If you have concerns and would like answers, the best way to get them is to ask him. If he isn't responding to your texts, perhaps you could try calling him.

[schlumpy]

If their is no mutual understanding that the relationship is exclusive then ALWAYS assume there is another woman.

 

Four months he disappears and can't even text you?

 

I think you need to seriously consider closing the book on this ten year relationship. I don't see it going anywhere for you. If that's ok with you, please keep at it but I don't believe it's in your best interest.

 

I think you know it to or you wouldn't be posting here.

[mcmahan499]

If you already know that he is a liar, then why are you still trying to believe some of the stuff that he tells you?

 

Why do you try to believe his lies AFTER you already know, from your own Inner Voice, that he is lying?

 

He doesn't really lie to much anymore, and it was obvious when he did. My first instinct was to believe him based on the tone of the message, even before he told me his father was in the hospital.

[mcmahan499]

What an 'intimate relationship'? FWB basically? It sounds like you are not in a proper boyfriend girlfriend relationship?

 

 

If your relationship is only based on sex well then I'm not sure what you are expecting? He can do what he wants, he just sees you to sleep with you, and you seem fine with it if its been going in for 10 years.

 

It's a sexual relationship.

[mcmahan499]

Hi mcmahan499, from what I've read, communication with him is poor. If you have concerns and would like answers, the best way to get them is to ask him. If he isn't responding to your texts, perhaps you could try calling him.

 

I agree that the communication has been poor. I have never told him that it bothers me when he doesn't respond, and he probably thinks I'm ok with it. I feel like the sexist advice to just go with everything even in casual relationships has really messed things up. I'm sure silence is equal to easy/don't want to explain. I'm trying to wait a bit before calling him.

[Watercolors]

He doesn't really lie to much anymore, and it was obvious when he did. My first instinct was to believe him based on the tone of the message, even before he told me his father was in the hospital.

 

Since you don't live together and your only means of communication is through online, how would you know he's not lying as much as he used to?

 

I don't know anything about this 10 year relationship except what's posted in this thread. What I do know, is, once a guy lies to me, I'll always think he's lying until he proves to me he's not.

 

Why wait to call him? Why not be direct with him? Why are you hesitant to share your true feelings with him about how his radio silence affects you? What if he IS with another woman and uses his dad's heart surgery as a cover, as an excuse? Will you still hold on to him, from afar, if you know he's with another woman?

[Mrin]

I would bet the farm that it was another woman. What a BS move. I mean, I get it. He might have just met a fantastic local woman and wanted to give her his full attention. I mean, who could blame him for that. You can't schedule or control when things like that happen.

 

But to give you a BS excuse like that is just... gross. Don't contact him again.

[spiderowl]

If a guy can disappear for four months without bothering to contact you, then he is really not that interested in you. It is purely a sexual relationship for him. It is never likely to be more. What did you want out of this relationship? I would assume he is gone for months now. Why don't you find yourself someone who can communicate and be there for you?