Struggle with obsession about lady

[traditional]

I am afraid this post will be bulky. I posted about a woman I saw a month and some time ago. I think my mind was a mess and I still feel that way only more intense. I want to understand why this is going on, I feel if I really unpack here by writing it out I may understand.

 

 

I have been living in a void or zombie state for two years because of events and situations in my life, I am in the pit or crossroads I feel with marriage, finance, health of my own and mother/other family. I am tired, look older than I am broke and no assets. I don't blame anyone anymore but myself because it was all my life choices that brought me here. I don't feel hard on myself because it will take time to recover or whatever.

 

 

The day/evening I saw this lady, something just caught my attention-her beauty, she looked magnificent, but she realistically was not the most beautiful physical feature wise in the space we were in. It was more like I could feel or experience her beauty it gave me tranquility or peace, like nothing not even death mattered.

 

 

I just felt tired afterward, I did not have lust thoughts or want to be with her. I went back several times to see her and I wanted that feeling again, even though I start to think hard bout everything. I met with her once, and it was strange-she shook my hand and looked into my eyes just a bit longer than normal-we spoke a bit and she used sarcasm, almost like she was already familiar with me, it was not the normal professional behaviour that one would expect.

 

 

I did not read too much into it then, but I think of everything now. I did not go back after that as it amounts to stalking, I became overwhelmed one morning and called her work, she answered and everything fell apart, I told her that I want to bring her something and I want to be her friend. I don't know why I have this urge. I know with the age gab (she is much younger than me, full of life I presume), and my entire situation-appearance and lack, I could never be pursuing her romantically so I can at least be a friend which also does not make sense. On the phone she asked me why? I want to be her friend, I asked maybe if I could leave her my number then when she has time she could let me know to explain, but she was strict and said you say now or never, and just as I struggle to get anything together, the phone went dead-I am sure she disconnected. That was the end. Logically what I did was not normal and I don't blame her. I did not call back again but I can't stop thinking about her and I am afraid that I am loosing my mind because I talk to her by myself.

 

 

I am sure it is an obsession brought on by my need to somehow shut out or escape all my other troubles. But it feels real and makes me very emotional, I feel so sad that I am not in position and I was not prepared with my looks or resources in my life to really face her like I know I could. I am also worried because I never had all my mental or emotional energy focused on one someone in intensity not even my soon to be ex wife or lady with whom I have a son.

 

 

Is it an obsession really-which is maybe better than the problems I have, I am sure she also must have at least felt something the time I came there, but very minimal-don't think she has noticed or even knows about me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I believe we told you multiple times to leave this woman alone. You probably have scared her half to death. When I was 21 I received very strange drawings in the mail at my workplace from an anonymous person. I still have them. It REALLY freaked me out.

 

You need to see a therapist.

[traditional]

Thanks for reminding me, yes I heard you and I have stopped trying to contact her or disrupt her life. I am sorry about your traumatic experience. I just felt that your type of comment respectfully does not read my post, your consideration is only the woman that I write about and the imminent danger she is in. What about my concern, I am the one writing here not her.

 

 

I have a daughter too and I would never want her to experience this. I will never try to invade her space or life. I am all but sure that everything is my mind construct. She is an innocent person and I am sorry about trying to intrude in her life.

 

 

What I am talking about is why I have this experience for me, what it means. Please it can't be that white and black if I have such strong thoughts even if they may be obsessions. I am in no space to afford therapists, and culturally I am dead if people know-so maybe some weed?

 

 

I am not under pressure sexually as there are one or two options open anytime, even my old bro/wife offered sex-when she called three days ago since she hears I live monk style. I almost took the bit-lets not make mistakes, my wife/to be ex soon is a luscious woman with her dimensions and fine tuning, we have been to places sexually even inside the matrix. But I am generally happy or content for now even that I m not in a relationship.

 

 

I just wonder why this is happening.

[schlumpy]

Is this obsession unique in your life or do you obsess over other people now or in the past? Do you partake in ritual? As an example - some people have a compulsion to hang their bathroom towels in a certain order.

 

If you do, you should look up Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You may recognize some of your behavior there as well as get the answer you are seeking.

 

Everyone suffers from obsession at some time in their life but not to your extent. Think of your obsession as a loop that keeps repeating itself in your mind. It's not a plus in your life so you must make it stop or at least diminish its power over your thoughts.

 

Try to find out what is feeding it. When does it grow stronger? What are the triggers?

 

Triggers can be a place where you saw her. Stay away. It can be picture you have of her or information that you may have gathered. Get rid of it. Maybe your friends know about this girl and ask you about her. Tell them not to mention her again. Stay away from anything physical that reminds you of her.

 

The second thing you can try to do is find a benign substitute. I would rather you read a book or study astronomy but if that doesn't work for you then how about physical training like boxing? How about a hobby like building radio controlled airplanes? Volunteer your time to some worthy cause. Strive to make yourself a better person. Any of this work for you?

 

IF it doesn't then redirect your obsession to an unobtainable movie star. Someone you can fantasize all you want but cannot reach and thus do no harm to yourself or others.

 

It's not a good solution but sometimes we just have to cope with our handicaps in life.

[traditional]

I am too brittle for boxing, I the violence especially if I haven't done anything to deserve it much less getting paid for hurting. With this experience I think about many things most of which I know but never really thought about or understand.

 

 

You are right, since life is short one must use energy for betterment of everyone, I have passion for music nd I work in culture promotion, I must refocus on them. Thanks it seemed for a moment like I was really going off track.

[Foxhall]

bizarre but fascinating, your post reminded me of the Hitchcock movie Vertigo,

 

I dont know, I guess you can only live in the real world and try to control what is in your realm,

 

focus on your music and appreciate what you have.

[preraph]

I am not saying this to make you mad or hurt, but everything you have said makes me know that you need to go to a psychologist. You are having very mixed up thoughts.

[traditional]

Thank you, I am sure much of my current experience has to do with all my troubles now-marriage dying, my mother very sick with diabetes foot, financial troubles, loss of interest on almost anything but music. I am a solitary person by nature, I rarely feel lonely but this also maybe just fuels my frustrations. Subconsciously I think I was or am looking for some type of relieve or release.

 

 

I am talking to an elderly lady about this, she is knowledgeable and tells me that I pray for God to reveal to me my purpose in life, if that happens I will have inner peace despite whatever on earth. So I am working on that hope.

 

 

The more I talk about this, I think it is getting a life of its own and I think of it.

 

 

Thanks for taking

[Maddie82]

Your behavior is creepy and yes i too recommend that you see a therapist. You have made similar posts about other women like this. What you're doing is far from normal.

[schlumpy]

Find a psychiatrist or a public health service that will prescribe the medication you need to stop the many stream of consciousness thoughts that flow through your mind.

 

If you are taking illegal drugs wean yourself off. They aren't helping you. You are just wandering around in a circle.

 

 

Best Wishes

[traditional]

Ok, I find myself resisting the advise here because it seems to suggest I am psycho. Although I don't feel like a serial killer/ sociopathic/ stalker or something, I don't have any thoughts or intent to hurt or harm anyone, I don't hate anyone or hold grudges but since almost everyone responding thinks so there must be something wrong with my thought processes now, its sad.

 

 

Yes sometimes I use humor to state things and maybe overstate what I mean. I wrote about one lady to whom I had very peculiar interest and my way of approaching this situation messed up everything. The experience was something I never experienced before. I searched the internet and came up with few possible explanations which could help explain to me what is going on especially concerning the lady, the experience and my mind slipping like this. A few make sense, but then non of the foremost religious writings including the address it directly-so its just ideas floating on internet.

 

 

Above everything I am a compassionate person, and I think my reasoning is reasonably sane, well most of the time about most things. The truth is and I must admit, I have feelings towards the lady, but I am ok, I don't try looking her up or go to her workplace or try calling, it amazes me that I am ok about it not wanting to do anything. I pray a lot now for my mother and my overall situation. I pray for revelation of my purpose on earth, but generally I am fine.

 

 

If anyone is interested to share or sample music, I am interested to hear songs nd music you listen to. Right now I am into Kizomba-an Angolan style.

[schlumpy]

I am not suggesting you are a psycho any more than I would be suggesting that someone with depression taking medication is mentally ill. Please don't be offended. It appears to my untrained eye that you are having trouble controlling the thoughts that come into your mind. It is many times difficult to follow your thought train because it keeps changing topic and subject without warning.

 

This is something that can be controlled with medication if needed.

 

Please don't take my word for it - see a doctor. It's your health and if you don't care about it who will?

 

Think how wonderful it would be to take one thought to completion?

 

I play folk guitar and classical. Most of my music you would not recognize but I do have a soft spot for Jazz artists such as Earl Klugh, Warren Hill, & David Sanborn.