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I don't know what is wrong with this girl or where I stand - unusual behaviour


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I met a girl through work and we clicked immediately. After a while I asked her out and really felt sure she would say yes but she said no (stating that I was 8 years older than her which I didn't really believe to be a valid reason). She (at 27) has never had a boyfriend but I know now she has been trying online dating. Fair enough. We carried on being very close but I never saw her away from work as much as I'd have liked though we were in contact a lot via text / calls etc.

 

Moving on - she left her job and then she started initiating contact much more regularly now that she wasn't seeing me at work. I knew this was as friends but we were very close and even her own family thought we were more. In fact her parents made me so welcome like I had become one of the family.

 

One day we had a chat and I asked her about the online dating. She said the few people she had met up with had been total flops and she just wanted to find someone like me, so I brought up the subject again and said "someone like me - why not me" and she basically said (not in so many words) that I have everything she wants (indeed we get on incredibly) but I'm not good looking enough and looks are very important to her. At which point I felt really hurt because to be honest and I don't mean this in a bad way, we are both just normal looking people, not at either end of the spectrum).

 

But I am sure there's more to this than I know. There's a few things I'm finding odd. Whenever we meet (often she is the one who asks me) we never go further than walking distance from her home, so it's lunch on the high street, or to the nature reserve or just chill at hers. I thought she may be agrophobic or anxious but she can't be as she tells me she travelled miles to meet her internet dates. Also the other day I tried to take a selfie of us and she really panicked. I know she's had confidence issues in the past but she must be ok at putting photos on a dating site so what's the issue with taking a selfie with a close friend of 18 months?

 

She does come across as very young for her age, isn't settled in a career and seems to have little life experience, but we just click like I never have with anyone before, not even previous girlfriends. But I'm struggling to even maintain a friendship because she won't even travel with me further than her home area. She's said ever since I've known her she wants to go on holiday as she hasn't been for years. I've offered to take her. She wants to try XYZ. I've offered to do it with her. But it's always the same. She will initiate meeting and we end up in the local high street.

 

There must be issues but can anyone give me any viewpoints on this as I'm stumped but I don't just want to walk away because I really do care about her. No one (either me) or online dates seems good enough but is it her own insecurities causing this and is it just a front she's putting on?

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No, there's not more to it. She was very honest with you because she wants you to accept that she means what she says. She is not attracted to you, period.

 

Does that mean you look like some monster or are not as good looking as her? No, of course not. It just means you are not what she herself finds attractive. It's not going to change. She would have no sexual attraction for you, so don't push it. In fact, don't hang around torturing yourself trying to be friends. Clear out. She will push you out anyway once she does start dating someone because no one will put up with her continuing to talk to a guy who is crushing on her and after her. Sorry, man. That's just the way it is.

 

I have run across people who like only one type. One popular guy in our crowd dated three women that I swear if I saw them all together I wouldn't be able to tell them apart, and they were all a foot taller than him too, and nothing special to look at. Some people fall for someone who looks like their favorite uncle and crap like that, or they hate a certain color hair. I mean, it can and usually is very petty, but that is the nature of attraction. It's either there or it's not, and for women to want to have sex, it has to be strong physical attraction.

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Versacehottie

I agree with preraph and unfortunately i think she is just leaning on you as almost a substitute boyfriend less the physical part. It sucks but I don't think you should waste more effort with her, even as a friend, you need to back off and live your own life or you will be crushed when she starts dating someone she is attracted to. It sounds like she is actively looking while in the meantime you are actively pursuing her albeit in a friend vibe hoping it will turn.

 

While I do believe friends can turn into the best bf/gf's, i don't think this is the case here. At least not as things stand currently and maybe for a long time afterward--and still that would be a long shot.

 

As to why she keeps things by her house, that's the one-sidedness that comes with the fact that she is not into you like that. She is fine letting you be her pseudo boyfriend and filling her up emotionally as long as she has to put low level effort in. This is not a good scenario for you. Not to mention she sounds a long way off for a stable relationship due to purely where she is in life. Good luck & btw, you sound like a great person and there will be someone who appreciates you fully <3

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Thank you for your replies. I think I agree. She is very immature for her age in this respect and I'm just a play thing, there when she wants me. Thank you for your comments.

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Alas I agree. You are her pretend BF. She can go on these fake dates with you & her life seems less lonely but it's only on her terms & I'm not sure she even understands the games she is playing.

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Two things.

 

Does she ever inquire about your dating life or has she seen you with someone else? If so how did she react?

 

It could be that she doesn't want to go far away from her home because she doesn't want to be seen with you for some reason. The panic when you tried to take a picture tends to reinforce that in my mind. Afraid you will show it around.

 

Anytime something doesn't make sense you can be sure it's because you don't have the information you need to make sense of it.

 

There is a secret here.

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Unfortunately, you are the definition of friend zone. Why you want to stay there I have no idea.

 

 

Stop wasting your time with her.

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Hey OP,

 

You should have walked away the first time she turned you down and I'll explain why.

 

Your friendship became insincere the very moment your feelings began. Feelings skew your behaviour, your actions and everything in general. You end up analyzing her actions/words hoping to uncover some clue to something that confirms she may want you too because you on the down low, hope for it. When she turned you down the first time and you continued to talk to her without putting distance to clear your head, your friendship became toxic.

 

She continues to talk to you and keep your company because she enjoys the male attention and energy you bring. She knows you want her and she knows you're pretending you don't, which is why you're feeling like you just can't progress with her. She has to think twice with you and controls the pace. When you feel the breaks being applied to something or a wall that you can get passed, it's not nothing. It's something. And that something is her lack of interest.

 

Neither you or her are yourself with eachother and that is why you two are not "close friends". You two aren't "Friends" at all.

 

What's going to happen here is she'll eventually meet someone she actually wants to be with. Don't be fooled into thinking it'll be you and don't fool yourself into thinking everything will be just as it is when she does meet someone else. That new person won't feel comfortable with you and her being so close. Him being her man now means she loves him and is invested in a future with him. She won't jeopardize it because she'll respect him she'll put distance between you and her. You're not her family. You're not one of the girls. You will end up placeless in her life. You'll barely talk. You'll barely hang out. It'll get to a point where you and her might as well stop talking. You will become extremely frustrated and hurt and burned out and then it'll simply be a question of what will come first; you becoming fed up and leaving or her distancing completely. I can already tell your frustration is beginning. One way or another, that's the destination.

 

Not a lesson you want to learn the hard way.

 

So long as you keep talking to her, your mind will continue to remain on her rather than opening up to someone new who actually desires you and will give you the relationship you seek. You're robbing yourself via self-deception so stop it. Put distance between you and her. Get busy doing other things and stop hanging out with her. Take up classes, activities that help you build skills and help you meet new people. Get active and work out. Travel. Restructure that entire schedule and put her right on the bottom of the priority list.

 

This girl had ample opportunity to be with you and she turned you down twice. She even had the audacity to say you weren't good looking enough for her...and you still stayed. Stop teaching her that your okay being friends with her when you're not. She knows you're not. It shows you're insincere and you're weak because you're willing to accept a raw deal in hopes to be with her and she picks up on all that. It doesn't help her gain respect for you which will not help her consider you as a partner should she ever. If she doesn't give you what you desire, you walk away. Let her face the reality of her choices. Distancing isn't to punish her or to "wake her up." It isn't for her at all. It's for you; to preserve your well-being which you'll need to build a good, content life for yourself.

 

Good luck

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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After a while I asked her out and really felt sure she would say yes but she said no (stating that I was 8 years older than her which I didn't really believe to be a valid reason).

 

You don't believe it was the real reason or you don't think she has a right to decline because she feels 8 years is too big a difference? If it's the former, then ok but if it's the latter you're acting like a self entitled fool who thinks he gets to decide what other people want.

 

It appears the real reason is your looks, she told you as much when you pressed her and now your feelings are hurt, which is probably why she made up the age difference thing initially- to spare you.

 

The rest of, the odd behavior, the speculating- doesn't matter because clearly she's not interested in any more than meeting for lunch on High Street.

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You are the orbiter.

 

It sounds like you’ve been to her place quite a few times. Did she ask you to help with stuff like moving or fixing things?

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Thanks for so many responses. I am going to tell her I don't want to see her again.

 

Well that's sort of mean. You could be a bit more honest, tell her that you're really looking for something more than friendship and she isn't so you're going to spend your time looking for someone who has the same plan as you do.

 

Then again, who pays for lunch?

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She didn't do anything wrong. She tried to tell you nice, but then she had to tell you the truth. I've asked for it myself and then regretted why I'd push someone into a corner like that and then have to get humiliated. Best to just look at things more in the context of not what they say but what their actions are. Her actions are she's not romantic to you. In addition, from the get-go, she said no to a date.

 

It's not like in the rom coms where some guy the cute girl isn't attracted to can just hang in there and she falls for him. That's fiction. Once someone says no, better just move on and not waste time. She said no, then she said age difference, then she was forced to just say she's not attracted. You'd have been a lot happier if you'd just stopped when she said no the first time and felt better about yourself.

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@shore255

 

That's fine but personally, I'd take Normm's suggestion and communicate your reasons in the way he suggested. It's a respectful way of doing it and I've found through my own experiences, respect goes a long way. She can't get mad at you, when she is aware of your reasons which are perfectly understandable.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Yes, I will - thank you all for the many replies. I will explain that she knows I like her as more than a friend and despite her wanting to see me all the time if she could never consider the possibility of even one date then we are on different pages and secondly even if we were to stay friends it isn't adding up that she won't go further than walking distance from her house with me yet will travel nationwide to meet online dates. I would not mind so much if she was honest but when I have put it to her before why she won't come in my car she says nothing is wrong. She is happy for us to be alone together at her house so it is not that she is nervous to be alone with me. There is a lot here that doesn't add up and I'm not sure I know all the details. If she won't be straight with me we'll have to call this all a day.

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@Shore255

 

Nono. Don't say that. You don't want to tell her what you think she is feeling or doing. Don't assume an accusing tone and don't get into the micro-details of why you are leaving. She knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't need you to explain it.

 

I know why you would want to say it to her like that. You're trying to ellicit the desired response you want which is to get her to wake up and go out with you. She wont. She'll get angry, it'll turn into an argument, it'll get ugly which you'll regret and will lead you to want to make things right and that'll be a downward spiral.

 

Just say what Normm said:

 

..you're really looking for something more than friendship and she isn't so you're going to spend your time looking for someone who has the same plan as you do.

 

It explains enough and cuts right to the point. There isn't anything she can say to it. Even if she gets upset, she's not real justified to be. It's how you feel.

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OK - Yes I agree and you are right, my previous reply was probably trying to get a response or something more out of her. I'll do as you say as that sounds like it's for the best. Thanks.

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I feel for you man as it is tough being stuck in the friend zone. A couple of thoughts:

 

- Instead of just telling her you don't want to see her any more, just put some distance between you. Next time she asks you to do something, tell her you are busy. Even better, have a date with someone else as the reason.

- It sounds manipulative, and I wish women weren't like this, but some women (and people in general) just want what they can't have. If you keep things friendly, continuing to act the same way around her, but make it clear that you are no longer interested in more than friendship, I would not be surprised if she doesn't want to start dating you.

 

The key is that you actually have to not care...not PRETEND to not care.

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There is a lot here that doesn't add up and I'm not sure I know all the details. If she won't be straight with me we'll have to call this all a day.

Erm sorry but it all adds up perfectly and she has been straight with you more than once, you are just choosing not to see it. It's clear as day.

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