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Hurt. Lost. Heartbroken


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I met this guy on a trip last year and we hooked up. The last day with him was intimate and emotional. We kept in touch for months, spending hours on the phone, getting to know each other. It was the 1st time I opened up to a guy. We share some common goal and life interests. We connected on a deeper level. I enjoyed this friendship we developed. But there's always been lingering feelings, flirting, and maybe, an opportunity to see each other again.

 

He recently expatriated and I started to feel anxious and insecure, with the sense of loosing him. He was constantly talking about other women. Which hurt me but I was trying to stay rational.

 

I am currently unemployed until next month, studying (self-taught) to switch careers. Lately, he offered and insisted to join him in the city he decided to live because I was feeling depressed. He offered to support my needs until I find a job, and to help me (we're in the same industry). BUT, under the condition that we'd be friends (he was not against the idea of sleeping with me though, all the while I could help him hook up with other women). I was torn, I was scared to end up developing more feelings for him, want more, end up heart broken, and stuck in a foreign country. I brought that up and he got frustrated because he though we've already established that we were just friends.

 

He said he loved me, that I was one of his best friends, that he cared about me, but he doesn't see me as the mother of his kids.

 

After a few days of thinking, I decided to take a leap of faith. I wrote a heartfelt letter on the reasons of my decision and I was hoping to read it to him. When I asked if we could talk, his response was (via text): "I'm frustrated, I need time, I met someone, it's weird the way we talk."

 

I got so upset. I was devastated. So I pasted that message in an email and I sent it to him, followed by 2 paragraphs where I questioned his friendship and intentions. I accused him of playing with me (I was deeply hurt), and frustrated that he'd always doubtful about me.

 

He was so offended about that part that he called it "manipulative, hateful and borderline abusive". I was shocked, because I am none of that (he accused me of being manipulative once when he misunderstood something I said).

 

I was shattered. Later that day, I texted an apology. I tried to reestablish a communication on the later days, until I found out that he had immediatly blocked me on Whatsapp (where we used to communicate), and unfriended me on Facebook (we never communicated there, my profile was even deactivated for a while). I panicked. I tried again to offer my apologies with txt and emails, not knowing if he reads them, to explain my side, but I'm being ignored, it's been a little over a week, so now I let go.

 

 

I am going crazy. I am confused as to why someone who once said cared about me, suddenly just doesn't care if I walk on the face of the earth. Why he gave up so easily (this was our 1st argument). And wouldn't have the decency to say goodbye.

Edited by pandassi
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LoverOfDance

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

He just doesn't care for you the way you think.

 

You are very invested and he is not. He has even met someone.

 

Please move on. You'll be alright and you deserve better.

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He is not going to make you his girlfriend. He's going to date around. There is no point in continuing to chase him and sounds like if you get that invested off of one hookup, you'll just be torturing yourself hanging around pretending to be internet friends with him. Nothing is going to change. He was honest about that.

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there is good to be gained from this actually,

 

you met a guy whom you opened up too, connected on a deeper level as you say,

 

however the first person who gives you these type of feelings is rarely the person you will end up spending the rest of your life with,

 

you need to move on now safe with the knowledge that you can connect and engage with people and there will be plenty more out there who will return the love in your direction.

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It may not seem like it now, but you really didn't lose anything. Anyone that can be that dismissive over something that meant so much to you isn't EVER worth it, and he, nor anyone that is willing to do that isn't worthy of you. You did everything you thought you could.

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Have sex first and then get to know him? I don't think that is success formulae for a successful long term relationship so I'm not surprised that you're having problems.

 

In every relationship one person loves more than the other. In your relationship that's you. You love him and that means he has the power.

 

If you want him then power has to be 50/50 and you have to make him want you. You can't do that by throwing yourself at him. You can only do that by being distant and hoping he will miss you.

 

You are not exclusive and if he meet others so can you. Don't rub it in his face but do make it clear that you won't be hanging around waiting on him.

 

Best Wishes

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He didn't lead you on. You met a stranger on a trip and hooked up (had sex) with him. He enjoyed the time together but you fell in love. He was clear that he "loved" you as a friend but didn't see you as the mother of his kids which meant he didn't want to go further with you. He wanted to see other women and told you this. He offered for you to stay a while with him to cheer you up but with the understanding that if you came you would also help him meet other women. He said this to let you know other women would be coming over for romance/sex and you would just be there as a temporary guest/roommate. He made it clear that you two weren't going to be together. Why are you panicking over being blocked by a guy who doesn't care about you the way you do him? You are not going to be with him because that is not what he wants and told you so. It's time to let it go and move on now. He blocked you because you don't seem to get it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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NO NO and NO. I won’t take shame anymore. I have done NOTHING to deserve this.

 

Now I understand, what I was dealing with.

 

We entertained this relashio****. I genuinely loved him but I was not chasing him. I was playing along while trying to understand where I stood. I was scared. I thought we connected emotionally at distance. Yes we hooked up, BUT for almost a year and up until the last day, we regularly spent hours on the phone, exchanging our deepest secrets, flirting, talking about seing each other again, phone sex... Him saying he cared about me, loved me, believed in me, that I was one of his best friends, that he wanted me in his future. Who wouldn’t develop attachment? Up until towards the end, we were in a grey zone. Trying to repress feelings of insecurity when he was telling me about other women all the time, offering me to stay under his terms. It was always about his terms: You come, I pay for you, we’d have sex while I date around until I find the woman of my dreams, and you’d even help me hooking up… I don’t want to be with YOU though. Being completely insensitive to my feelings, as always. When I reminded him of those, he’d just be frustrated saying: in this case we’ll stop talking. Abuse. I ignored all the signs. The first sign being the constant confusion. Not the first time he goes cold on me. It was all about him. Being rude, listening to him bitching about other people...

 

I wanted to believe him. Then I got upset on a broken promise. I expressed disappointment. Stood up to him, questioning his intentions and behaviour. His arrogance and ego got "offended" and he immediately went on to block me, even on social media which we never used to exchange. I was discarded from one day to the next, on the first bump on the road, as soon as I unconsciously started to chip under the mask, while he already found a new supply. When I was of no use to inflate him anymore, not contempt with his conditions. I know better than being pushy. I rather believe in vulnerability and honesty. Just like I never lied about my feelings. I was betrayed for that. I had legitimate expectations and needs anyone will start having from a close one. The expectation to be human. That was the first time I did not walk on eggshells. And that’s when **** hit the fan.

 

I tried to reach out, reopen the door of communication, resolve our argument, because I thought this was real. Because this is just not how I operate. But then, that was before I realized that he is ill, lacking any sort of empathy.

 

I sent an apology way before I noticed I was already blocked, I felt guilty, I was gaslighted. I was tormented by this silence treatment, and disrespected being let down on a cheap way, I was nothing but kind to him, as if he needed mommy, wondering where this irrational and disproportionate spitefulness comes from, and at least, end on good terms, not on misunderstandings. That's how much I cared. All my pleas were ignored. I was on a PTSD mode, this was violent. I was love bombed then ghosted overnight, this is emotional abuse. Not how someone healthy handle relationships. That’s not how I would even treat a stranger let alone someone I care about. And I was the one being called manipulative and borderline abusive. I was used. Lied to. Now I am called crazy. When the victim becomes the bad guy.Typical.

 

I was in a fog and anxious when I wrote this first post, wondering what the hell just happened. Then all was clear when asking for compassion, I met more cruelty and hatefulness. How can someone be so evil and mean, knowing that I was in pain and still treats me as if I never existed. Not caring that I was just hurting. It takes 2 to tango. Having spent hours documenting on narcissistic personality disorder. Recalling flashbacks. I freaked out when I realized that I was loving someone who never existed, cherished a friendship that was fake, hoping for nothing.

 

How honourable his help was when at the first sign of defiance he would discard a "real friend". Intended to boost his ego. I am on my way to success. And he wanted to claim the merits.

 

I had a revelation when I remembered, when we first met, he confided about his narcissistic and bipolar father, whom he stoped communicating with, he was in tears, he was supposedly still suffering from that. I suggested he writes him a letter and clear the air. Which he did, and although he never sent it, he shared it with me. I remembered that, and found that message. What I have to blame him about was exactly the same blames he expressed to his father. Word per word. And I sent some excerpts back to him. My last words were his own.

 

Then my healing could start.

Edited by pandassi
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lana-banana

As respectfully and lovingly as possible: you need to get a grip. This guy did not lead you on. This guy did not gaslight (I'm beginning to think we should require a license before using that word) you. This guy did not manipulate you. He is not a narcissistic abuser. He did not "torment" you. You were never in a relationship and this guy went out of his way to tell you about other women he found interesting. He was clear from the beginning that he was only interested in a FWB situation and he didn't see you as wife material. You projected your feelings onto him even when it was obvious he didn't share them. Is he kind of a jerk? Sure. Is he a twisted sociopath? Of course not.

 

Of course you can and should be upset and heartbroken, but this is not some grand story of overcoming abuse or mental torture. It's just unrequited love. Your histrionics are more telling than anything he said or did. Draw a bubble bath, make a good upbeat playlist, and get your head back in the game. The next time a guy you like starts talking about other women, let that be your cue to move on.

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He said he loved you as a best friend obviously with benefits. He was clear with you that he didn't want a relationship with you, that he would be seeing other women and that he has met another woman he is going to see. It is best that he's blocked you so you can try to put this behind you. To stay in contact would keep you stuck on this guy and make it even harder to put this behind you.

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Next time a guy you choose to love starts "constantly talking about other women", it is time to walk away.

This guy made it clear time and time again, where you stood. You just weren't listening.

Also when a guy puts you in the friends with benefits box, you do not tend to graduate to being the gf/wife, you stay in the FWB box.

As soon as he started talking about "best friends" that was your cue to leave.

Chin up.

We all live and learn.

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I accused him of playing with me (I was deeply hurt), and frustrated that he'd always doubtful about me.

 

He wasn't playing with you though. He was clear that he only wanted to be friends, and friends with benefits. He never initiated that he wanted a romantic relationship with you. He was honest. He didn't feel the deep connection like you did. It was all one sided i'm afraid. You romanticized this thing and made it to be more than what it actually was.

Edited by Maddie82
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NO NO and NO. I won’t take shame anymore. I have done NOTHING to deserve this.

 

 

We entertained this relashio****. I genuinely loved him but I was not chasing him. I was playing along while trying to understand where I stood. I was scared. I thought we connected emotionally at distance. Yes we hooked up, BUT for almost a year and up until the last day, we regularly spent hours on the phone, exchanging our deepest secrets, flirting, talking about seeing each other again, phone sex... Him saying he cared about me, loved me, believed in me, that I was one of his best friends, that he wanted me in his future. Who wouldn’t develop attachment?

 

All this is in the 'friends with benefits' category. You knew where you stood. He was very clear about that. He was honest and told you he didn't want a romantic relationship with you. Yes, he cared about you 'as a friend' and he was honest about that too. You were depressed and he was trying to help you by telling you he cared and believed in you. No, he didn't develop any attachment. Only you did. You seem to be having a hard time believing that he didn't love you the way you loved him :(

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spiritedaway2003

I'm sorry for the loss (and anger) you're experiencing.

 

It sounded like he was forthright with his intentions after the "hook up". The problem (I'm not sure if you see it) is that you already developed feelings already. Once you go down that path, you can't go back to being just friends. Maybe some people can, but I can't at least not without a lot of time.

 

Heartbreak for someone you really care about (or even love) hurts, no matter how it comes about.

 

It seemed that he hadn't been forthright you at the beginning (honestly, a guy shouldn't tell a female "friend" that "he loves her" unless there was some intent of more). I know this is a stickler and that's where you questioned the intentions, but the beginning is just one part of the relationship. He was honest with you in the middle, but you could no longer hear it because you were already attached.

 

Also, at least you know now that you don't do well with FWB setup (I can't say much about it, I've never been in one but I know I would never be in one because that's not my thing). But knowing that, don't hook up first with anyone in the future without defining what it is that you want if a relationship is what you want.

 

You're hurt and angry because you feel like he used you (he was probably looking to fulfill his needs given that he's still open to a FWB type of arrangement). . However, you know now that he does not care about you the way you want him to, and I hope that allows you to work through the anger and let him go. It's clear where he stands and who he is now. Stay away from him and focus on letting him go. He's not the right person for you. This is a case of unrequited love, and that won't change. Instead, focus on yourself and work on your depression.

 

Heartbreaks are hard to move on from, but learn from what you know now. Seek help and hang in there.

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I know how I felt. I know how I was, and how he was. I don't need to debate on this on a forum.

 

Are you saying you believe he was in love with you? Even though he made it more than clear that he wasn't. You sound like you're in strong denial at the moment. Best to just forget him and move on.

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This forum is weird... I opened a new account because the previous one was desactivated for some reason. Anyway.

 

To sum up this story. I am certainly not in denial anymore. I was confused for some time. I am appalled by some judgmental know-it-all posts here as if it was my fault while I was in pain with this situation. I’ll think twice next time sharing personal stuff with anybody. Maybe you’ll understand the day you’ll be ghosted by someone you loved for being outspoken. This was unjustified. For almost a year, I put up with his pace, ambivalence, repressing anything but happiness, because he needed comfort and distraction from his life, being careful because he was paranoid and defensive thinking I was in to snatch him. That’s how important he thought he was. While I just loved him. Push and pull. I told him last time I was with him: I like you and I feel weak. My unconsciousness speaking.

 

Knowing that he was not as definite until the end and even then still expressing interests to remain close. That was luring, saying there was feelings too, the attraction was strong, that he enjoyed the way our minds connected, but I just didn’t match his fairy tale ideal of a woman. That’s already hard to grasp your head around. So you just wonder and keep going see what may. Yes he said he wanted friendship, but it felt more intimate, and that’s where it’s insidious and disorienting, wanting the cake and eating it. He was texting and calling all the time, anytime he needed it, I was there, and I enjoyed that even if deep down something was not right. He was initiating the sex talk. Talking about drawing the line that himself didn’t respect.

 

I was finding excuses, put it on his difficult childhood, thought he was just scared like I was, I was understanding, because I know childhood trauma, which I told him about. Whereas it was not reciprocated, and that was disappointing. Selfish. That was a sign. Still, I didn’t resent him for that. I was trying to stay rational. I never expected him to be in love with me at this point. All I know is that we were interested to see each other again and that was cool with being friends while I was getting to know him better, even if it was challenging, knowing that there could be a possibility that one of us meet someone else in the meantime too. Sometime you just need to go all the way to know.

 

I focused on the positive. He didn’t need to brag about other women rubbing it in my face though. It made me insecure. I was sad by the way it all happened. Didn’t have to be dramatic and so negative. From saying: I love you please come, to: I don’t know I met someone, then ghosting me, in the space of days I took to reflect on this. He’s always been insensitive but for me to find out this way, that was disturbing, cruel, twisted. The contrast between those disproportionate sets of events speaks volumes about severe mental disorder. Some people get offended by being broken with over a txt message!

 

Tried to reason, offered multiple apologies, because he did turn the blame on me instead of acknowledging that I was hurt and felt let down. What did I do to cause such extreme reaction. I had even a hard time to believe he was so childish. No healthy relationship make you off balanced.

 

I accepted his terms upon his offer, after making a pro and con list, this was a big decision, wondering if I can do this friendship or cut loose, after letting go of the idea of a romantic outcome, which was already hard, I still wanted to keep him in my life, only to be flaked on again. I felt like a joke. When telling him I felt hurt and let down, he just decided I was manipulative (projection) and cowardly shut me down.

 

I was not happy about it and he went on to block me so abruptly before I could even send an apology. He got a new toy anyway. Not like I was insulting, threatening or harassing him (but I was thrown off when I found out he disregarded me with such loathed hate). Do you frantically block, unfriend, and hung up on your so-called best friends after one plain argument? Even if they tried to make up? Me having unresolved feelings for him makes me the bad person? I might have had hopes but it was fed by his behaviour too. If anything, I was delusional as to who he was. I was ditched for confronting about where I stood with all this. I chose to open my heart. I know that was true. That alone is valuable. To be told that I am stubborn, not getting it, etc, that’s unfair. The person who reacts strongly is always the problem. Nevermind the anxiety it caused.

 

You have to grieve over a person who never existed, a bond that never was, forgive the real person, and then forgive yourself for being used manipulated and controlled. 4 mornings in 1.

 

Having a disagreement with someone I care about affects me, and I don’t squash them like they were nothing, only for what they brought me despite their flaws, but maybe not everyone is like me, nor was I ever treated this way even by guys who previously hurt me. Turns out I wanted to trust him but I was right to question his friendship after all as I was only a commodity as long as I abide by his rules, and that’s all there is to it. Abuse. I am still lucky I never saw him again, it hurt like hell but life has been good to me. Truth sets free. Beware who you’re dealing with. Peace.

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lana-banana

Let's compare what he did versus what you did, using your own words.

 

He:

 

he was not as definite until the end

 

he [said he] enjoyed the way our minds connected, but I just didn’t match his fairy tale ideal of a woman

 

he said he wanted friendship

 

He was initiating the sex talk. Talking about drawing the line that himself didn’t respect.

 

He didn’t need to brag about other women rubbing it in my face though. It made me insecure.

 

He’s always been insensitive

 

By contrast, you:

 

I put up with his pace, ambivalence, repressing anything but happiness, because he needed comfort and distraction from his life, being careful because he was paranoid and defensive thinking I was in to snatch him

 

anytime he needed it, I was there, and I enjoyed that even if deep down something was not right

 

I was finding excuses

 

I never expected him to be in love with me at this point

 

This guy was abundantly clear from the beginning that this was, at best, a friends with benefits situation. He was not in love with you and he wasn't interested in anything beyond sex and in-the-moment companionship, on his terms. He told you this directly and you continued to engage, projecting your feelings of intense attraction onto him and deluding yourself into believing that this could become something more.

 

People on this thread are saying you're in denial because you ARE in denial, and most of us have been there. Lord knows I spent way too much time chasing after men who didn't want me. The difference was that those guys never actually said they weren't interested; they were just willing to let me string myself along until I got a clue and wised up. In your case, this guy actually told you he wanted nothing more but you still didn't listen.

 

He was unambiguous about what he wanted: sex, chatting, and friendship only. That means no relationship, no drama. As soon as you started going on about your feelings and confronting him, you became a liability and he cut the cord. Is that a jerky thing to do? Of course. It's not abuse, not even close, and it's frankly insulting to anyone who's ever been in an abusive relationship.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks, for sure. But part of the healing process is being honest with yourself about what happened. You enabled this to a great degree---spending a year chasing him even when he said he just wanted to be friends, providing him all those ego boosts and support and sex even when he gave you nothing in exchange---and you deluded yourself into believing he might feel the same way. You are dealing with a double rejection: not only from him, but from the delusion. Of course it hurts like crazy. It'll take time, but you'll get there. You just have to move past the denial first and admit you really broke your own heart here.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't know how clear this guy was with you but he certainly piled on the charm and tried to take up your time (emotionally and physically). Although it started as friends, whenever you share things emotionally it is hard not to feel involved. It seems that what he did was more than you would have expected from a guy who only wanted friends with benefits. I can see where the confusion arose about his intentions. He did not keep sufficient distance emotionally for you to feel it was only FWB.

 

One thing that is clear is that this guy is very clever and somewhat manipulative. Now that you are questioning his motives, he is definite about not wanting more than friends. He still wanted you to be near him (as a fall-back FWB) but that really does show the character (or rather lack) of the guy.

 

You were expecting too much of him and so he opted out. I can understand your hurt, disappointment and anger.

 

These kinds of behaviours do not imply a guy loves you or cares about you:

 

- initiating sex talk - this is a guy trying to please himself at a distance, it does not mean anything else. In fact, if you did not want to participate in this or did not want him to initiate it, it amounts to just using you.

 

- saying he wants to see other women - a guy who loves you will not be saying this

 

- wanting sex but not wanting to date publicly or call you his girlfriend.

 

This guy did sweep you off your feet, he was playing romance and fun, but knew that he did not intend it ever to be more than FWB. I think you are justified in feeling aggrieved. Just take care not to read too much into such behaviour in future. A guy who loves you and is looking for commitment, will be keen to respect you and not see other women.

 

I really hope you get over this guy soon because he's not worth it.

Edited by spiderowl
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