Jump to content

Odd FWB situation


Recommended Posts

He doesn’t cuddle or act all sappy romantic, but he texts me good morning & about mundane stuff all the time. I can’t go out much these days because I have a young baby, but he asks to come over or vice verse almost every single night. Will fool around sometimes but we aren’t having sex bc I just had a baby. What does this situation even mean? I certainly am not in a position for a new relationship right now, but every night just seems a bit odd for an FWB.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are in no situation or mentality for a relationship and FWB is the last thing you should do in this situation. He comes to you for ego feed and potential sex. He doesn't care about you. Piss him off, masterbate now and find a relationship when you are ready.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You are in no situation or mentality for a relationship and FWB is the last thing you should do in this situation. He comes to you for ego feed and potential sex. He doesn't care about you. .

 

Totally agree not ready.

But why think this person doesn’t “care” about me?

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool

Yeah, where is your husband when this guy comes over? How do you have time to entertain a new man when you have a new baby?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Totally agree not ready.

But why think this person doesn’t “care” about me?

I suspect he is an incel or beta trying to make progress but doesn't have the skills or confidence to accomplish it. There is no way for me to know how he feels personally about you, maybe it is good vibes, maybe not. But I'd say at minimum, he sees you as a sexual opportunity once your body is ready for sex again.

 

The most important thing for you to think about is if having this guy around is good for the baby (and you). Even if he isn't a problem with the baby, is having him around going to get in the way of you finding a more suitable guy? Is a guy who is a good catch going notice you with this guy orbiting around you? If he doesn't have the dating/relationship skills, then how would he handle the additional pressure and stress of being a "step dad" (at least figurative if not literally). I'm not beating up on the guy, a guy has to learn and start somewhere,...but is a single mom with a newborn the best "classroom" to learn in.

 

You want a guy who is mentally and emotionally solid and is doing something with his life. You are a woman and a mother, so you have the natural biological instincts to spot the right kind of guy, so you just need to listen to those instincts and have the confidence to act on them and to believe you are worth it to a good guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Outlaw

Something could be on his mind, but since it's FWB situation it's best to not put to much stock into it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
mark clemson

Hi, Gb83. First off congrats on the new baby! I hope he/she brings much joy and love into your life.

 

It sounds like the FWB is the MM from your previous thread? I'm going to take a guess that you haven't yet divorced from your (asexual, career-obsessed) H or him from his W.

 

If any of that is wrong, please feel free to correct me.

 

It sounds like he may be trying to maintain some form of emotional bond with you via the text. Possibly this is something missing from his marriage, or possibly he simply feels attached to you. Possibly it is partly out of a sense of duty to keeps tabs on you in the sense that you are a woman with a newborn child who he has interest in and has minimal support from her actual husband.

 

If he's your MM we know he's not an incel or similar. But think the other suggestions above are possibilities as well, including the eventual "sexual opportunity" idea. So, lots of possibilities.

 

At any rate, stay well and enjoy the first two years. It's a special time that isn't often repeated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi, Gb83. First off congrats on the new baby! I hope he/she brings much joy and love into your life.

 

It sounds like the FWB is the MM from your previous thread? I'm going to take a guess that you haven't yet divorced from your (asexual, career-obsessed) H or him from his W.

 

If any of that is wrong, please feel free to correct me.

 

It sounds like he may be trying to maintain some form of emotional bond with you via the text. Possibly this is something missing from his marriage, or possibly he simply feels attached to you. Possibly it is partly out of a sense of duty to keeps tabs on you in the sense that you are a woman with a newborn child who he has interest in and has minimal support from her actual husband.

 

If he's your MM we know he's not an incel or similar. But think the other suggestions above are possibilities as well, including the eventual "sexual opportunity" idea. So, lots of possibilities.

 

At any rate, stay well and enjoy the first two years. It's a special time that isn't often repeated.

 

Hi, thank you. Yes you’re right. Divorce in progress for me. He continues in his marriage on the surface for his son who’s old enough to understand and has actually picked up on the tension and asked for him and mommy to get along. He knows I won’t sleep w him until something changed there. It’s not like we ever said we were FWB, I just came up with that, I don’t know. We have gone out plenty of times, and once since the baby I felt up to venturing out and told him I’d have a sitter and he was like no the 3 of us can go. He chooses to come over every night (or I come over, now that I have baby and don’t really go out) even if he had a 16 hour day at our office and we are the first person each other confides in. Occasionally he’ll say he’s coming over later and allude to us fooling around but regardless we always spend a lot of time just sitting and talking. I don’t even know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
mark clemson

Hmm. This sounds like a (pretty major) emotional affair to me. You've told him no sex until divorce and he's still there. So guess he's ok with that. Possibly he's hoping you'll change your mind once he grows on you even more. IF it's just sex he's after he's clearly playing the long game (and in a world of Tinder and similar probably doesn't need to).

 

If you're together every/most nights I assume his wife knows or suspects something's going on. It sounds like maybe he told her he wanted to divorce and she's putting up a fight?

 

At any rate, he's clearly checked out of his marriage. Perhaps someone will point out to him that staying for the kid isn't always a good idea.

 

I think the bottom line is he "fell" for you when you connected early on and is now willing to stay with you through the pregnancy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In a world of Tinder and casual sex and the fact he has a wife means he is not relying on the OP for sex, so he can play an insanely "long game" if he wants to...

 

There is a misconception that players and MM want sex asap.

Players and the like can wait a long time for sex if they feel it warrants the wait, as they can get their immediate needs met elsewhere.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
In a world of Tinder and casual sex and the fact he has a wife means he is not relying on the OP for sex, so he can play an insanely "long game" if he wants to...

 

There is a misconception that players and MM want sex asap.

Players and the like can wait a long time for sex if they feel it warrants the wait, as they can get their immediate needs met elsewhere.

 

I get this but that explanation seems less likely when he comes over nearly every single night and invests more time talking to me daily (like calling me if I send a text sounding upset) than my H did most of time. When I allude to my frustration in not being able to go further bc he’s still married he tells me to be patient. Just confusing

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool
Hi, thank you. Yes you’re right. Divorce in progress for me. He continues in his marriage on the surface for his son who’s old enough to understand and has actually picked up on the tension and asked for him and mommy to get along. He knows I won’t sleep w him until something changed there. It’s not like we ever said we were FWB, I just came up with that, I don’t know. We have gone out plenty of times, and once since the baby I felt up to venturing out and told him I’d have a sitter and he was like no the 3 of us can go. He chooses to come over every night (or I come over, now that I have baby and don’t really go out) even if he had a 16 hour day at our office and we are the first person each other confides in. Occasionally he’ll say he’s coming over later and allude to us fooling around but regardless we always spend a lot of time just sitting and talking. I don’t even know.

 

Why are you concerned with "fooling around" when you just had a baby? Is this the MM?

Edited by stillafool
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes. It’s just fun given that it’s been so long since I hooked up with anyone with whom there was actual chemistry. And I really have feelings for this person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I went back and read some of your thread "Maybe a classic OW post, but..." to get a better and broader context. I think you are trying way to hard to "not be alone".

 

This guy that is chasing you (does MM mean Married Man?) seems to be several things that I think are bad. Obsessive is one. He seems like the kid that goes into a store with mom and wants everything he sees in the store. He seems like the kid on the play ground that wants to keep his toy but wants to take everyone else's too (have you, but keep his wife too). He may seem nice on the surface but all of the nice-ness seems like manipulation to get what he wants. Him seeming to be patient to wait probably only comes from the fact that he has a wife at home to keep him pacified while he waits,...if he was alone then he wouldn't be so patient and could very well be a stalker.

 

Put yourself in his kid's shoes and think how you would like to have a father that is behaving this way, treating your mother this way, and trying to reel in another woman. What do you think of him now? Put yourself in his wife's shoes and think how you like to have a husband treat you like this and treat your kids with such disregard. What do you think of him now?

 

You will eventually be her. What he is doing with her now he will do with you later. The way he treats his kids will be how he treats yours, or worse since they really aren't his. You will be the one at home while he is snuggling on the couch with another woman while telling her he will wait till her divorce is final.

 

So back to my first statement, you are trying way to hard to "not be alone". But you really do need to be alone for a while to establish your own life and learn to live independently. Learn to not be in need of another to be secure. Once you have built your own life then you can share it with another and you won't be confused about how to do that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
mark clemson
Yes. It’s just fun given that it’s been so long since I hooked up with anyone with whom there was actual chemistry. And I really have feelings for this person.

 

So, going back to where things left off in your previous thread for a moment - just a reminder that this may well turn into emotional distress if you want him but can't have him (due to his marriage). Possibly your baby bonding/oxytocin will shield you partially from this, but that is by no means guaranteed. It would be far from the first or last time the affair "dream" turned into a nightmare.

 

Just saying.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Him seeming to be patient to wait probably only comes from the fact that he has a wife at home to keep him pacified while he waits,...if he was alone then he wouldn't be so patient and could very well be a stalker.

 

So she is actually very far away (California). But otherwise good advice

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So, going back to where things left off in your previous thread for a moment - just a reminder that this may well turn into emotional distress if you want him but can't have him (due to his marriage). Possibly your baby bonding/oxytocin will shield you partially from this, but that is by no means guaranteed. It would be far from the first or last time the affair "dream" turned into a nightmare.

 

Just saying.

 

True. I don’t know what him telling me to be “patient” means but regardless, I am starting to date others now. He just makes it hard when I’m hanging out w one guy one night but he waits up for me as late as it is just to see me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Fair enough. He is married so that is probably wise of you.

 

Yes, it’s only fair. If he’s telling me right now to be “patient” because he’s actually working on doing something to move forward then I’d feel a little bad, but really how likely is that? Even with us seeing and talking to each other constantly, still...probably not likely...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Edit: Nevermind, he's married. Dump him.

 

I really thought his circumstance sounded similar to mine- hasn’t slept in same room w their partner in a long time, kind of going along out of obligation to kids. He will tell me to be patient and I never want to be the crazy girl with an ultimatum but at some point...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I really thought his circumstance sounded similar to mine- hasn’t slept in same room w their partner in a long time, kind of going along out of obligation to kids. He will tell me to be patient and I never want to be the crazy girl with an ultimatum but at some point...

 

 

You did not mention in the OP that you were married or in a relationship too. In either case, you should forget about this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...