Why does she say we are friends, but always acts like we are more?

[Tom1231]

Hey,

 

after multiple month of confusion and different opinions from all my friends, I decided to ask people that are not part of this problem.

 

So around 3 month ago I texted that girl that I saw around uni. We talked a while, I asked her for a coffee and she says right when we order the coffee: I am not looking for anything at the moment, I hope it's okay if this is a friendly thing for you (I found out she broke up with her bf a week before we hung out). And I said yeah sure and planned on just getting the coffee and then peacing out. Anyways, after we got the coffee she wanted to walk throught the city which we did for 2 hours. After that, she invited me to get high with her friends (oh canada) and have a beer the next day. I didn't go to get high but the next day I went to drink with her.

 

This is the night basically everything started to happen, that I do not consider to be a "friendly thing". We were at a party and all my friends told me that she is flirting with me. After the party, we went back to her place and cuddled the whole night and talked about our lives and slowly got to know each other. From this night on, I went to her house every night, stayed there until late at night (3/4/5am) while we were cuddling, watching netflix, talking about our lives.

 

About a month, one night, a friend talked to her and asked if we guys were dating (some people thought so) and she said: No, we are just friends. When my friend told me that, I decided to confess to her what I feel. I did and she said that she thinks we are only friends and I told her that I don't know if this is gonna work for me then, since I feel more and I don't think we should be as close anymore. This lead to her kicking me out of her house immediately. Then she texted me saying that I apparently don't care about her and that she doesn't think this friendship is "not normal". Well so I said that we can try to be friends, but I don't know if itll work out.

 

What happened then just annoys me, I asked her if she wants to hang out with me before we both leave for the summer. She said sure and we went on a walk (her friends wanted to come but we both said we wanted to be alone). While walking she would always look at me and when I looked at her she would look away. She teased me all the time. There were only 4 days left until she would leave but we didn't make any plans. However, we both ended up "accidentally" every night together going to partys or just hanging out. She is always too scared to ask me to hang out, she just ask "what are you up to tonight" and when I say nothing, a minute later a friend of hers would ask if I wanna join them for supper or a party. She winks at me all the time. When I leave a party she leaves with me ALL the time. She would always want me to dance with her and once we were sitting alone in a room on the bed and she looked at me and said "That's interesting now". Before we went to the party she winked at me while brushing her teeth and said "I have plans tonight". Did she expect me to make a move? I am a pretty shy person tbh. Anyways, she is flirting with me at every point we are together. But, like she said, "we are only friends".

 

The question now, should I ignore her over the summer? Should I stay in touch and see how it goes when we both come back to uni? Should I just completely ignore her?

 

Thanks for your help!

[preraph]

She's told you multiple times you're just friends. So no, she apparently doesn't want you to make a move on her. She doesn't sound exactly shy or retiring, so I'm thinking she'd have made a move on you long before now if it was in the cards.

[Tom1231]

Okay, sweet thank you! I'll leave her alone from now on then!

I just needed some independent thought on this since I have difficulties with accepting the truth.

 

 

P.S: Still I feel led on, just to make that point.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Tom1231

[preraph]

Good luck. Don't waste time if you can help it being confused and wanting more info. I'm an older female. It's a fact that women can be "just friends" with men and be perfectly content, while men generally see little point in it if it's going nowhere.

 

I would just say redirect your focus elsewhere and try to date others. I mean, I hate to say just don't ever say hi to her because what if she has a girlfriend who might be interested in you. I mean, it's always good to have more friends, but if you can't get past it without cutting her off, cut her off and just find someone doesn't just want to be friends.

[Tom1231]

@Preraph Normally I do not struggle to be content with a friendship with a girl. Oh god. My best friend is girl. Actually, If I count the amount of girls I am friends with that I was interested in before, I would need more than two hands. It’s just the way this girl keeps flirting (maybe because she is bored or wants my attention, doesn’t matter)

 

That’s my plan. Ill stay in contact with her over the summer (like hit her up every few weeks or so). I don’t wanna cut her out of my life just because I feel like it would be unfair to her since she told me that I am important to her and she wants to keep me around even after the summer.

[Blind-Sided]

OK... I just have to chime in on this one. This has happened to me 2 times in my life, and I'll give you both stories.

 

 

Girl #1 was when I first got into collage. She was nice, and we had a supper time together. (clubs, out to eat, shopping) But, I knew she was not really good for me. She was smart, but a bit of a pot head. (and I wasn't) I was attracted to her, but she really wasn't ready for a solid relationship. At one point, I did tell her that I had feelings, and wanted to move it to the next level. She said she just didn't feel that way (even though we would have some drunk fooling around, but no real sex) At first I was upset, just like you were... but eventually she reached back out to me, and said... "You knew from the start I just wanted to have a good time." After a couple weeks, I eventually got my head on straight, and we started to hang out again... but this time... with a new understanding... I was able to let her point out other girls for me... and I spent a lot less money on her. LOL. We stayed friends until I moved out of that state.

 

 

Girl #2 was someone I met after the move. She was a "Good Girl" and I was very attracted to her. For the better part of a year, I tried to get something started with her. She never once said she just wanted to be friends, but she was very shy, and didn't know what she wanted. Eventually, there was a night were she was a little upset, and said she was very happy I was in her life, and we kissed for a while. At this point, I thought things were changing. But a few days latter, she basically said... "We should just remain friends." (I was kind of the bad boy on campus, and I think that scared her) This time... I was mad, but I didn't let that come out because I knew I would have to still be around her with classes, and friends. So... one night, she asked me to go to a school formal dance... but AS FRIENDS. I said no problem. I paid for her ticket, and even paid for the hotel room. (there was 4 of us in that room) Even after getting to the dance... she reminded me that even though we will be sharing a room, it was just a friend date. I had no issues with that, and spent the first hour or so with her. But eventually, I wound up hanging out with a buddy, and we crashed a few parties at a school directly across from the hotel. (it was a fun night) But... when I got back to the room, around 2am... my "Friend" was there, and she was VERY mad and wanted me to sleep on the couch. But since I paid for the room, I just crawled into bed, and held her. (nothing more) Eventually, I stopped hanging out with her, and she actually got a little psycho.

 

 

OK... so why did a share this? Just to point out where the friend thing can go. With girl one... it was truly just friends, and she helped me get dates. (eventually came out she liked girls) But with girl #2, she really didn't want to be friends, but she wouldn't let herself be more. With her... we eventually drifted apart, and she would get CRAZY mad at me if I wouldn't drop what I was doing to give her my time. (we both lived in the dorms, and needed help with math and physics) And in turn, I was able to see her true feelings, and her true emotions. It didn't work out with either girl... but it let me see, in the real world, how some red flags come out.

 

 

OK... I wasn't there, and I only can read one side of your story... but if she says she just wants to be friends... but she is now getting mad... then she had more feelings, and just didn't know what she wanted. But regardless... this same anger will just wind up coming out even if you were in a relationship, and didn't do exactly what she wants. So, remain friends, but do not try to make a real relationship with her. It will just end in heartache.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

I am not looking for anything at the moment, I hope it's okay if this is a friendly thing for you (I found out she broke up with her bf a week before we hung out).

 

^^^^This is the important bit.

She made it clear she just wants to be friends and then uses you as a safe, fluffy friendly teddy bear to help her get over her ex.

She fills any time she may miss him up with you.

She probably knows you want more and that for her is a good thing.

She gets more of your undivided attention.

"Safe flirting" is fun that is why she does it, she has you firmly in the friend zone, so she knows it is going nowhere and if you get the wrong idea, she would immediately bring out the "But we are just friends" card.

Once she feels ready to get back into the dating game, she will start discussing her new dates with you...

 

Actually, If I count the amount of girls I am friends with that I was interested in before, I would need more than two hands.

Try to stop being "the friend" to many women.

Women tend to see "the friend" as not being bf material. If lots of women like him but will not date him then there must be "something wrong" with him is the assumption.

Many women do not want to date guys who have lots of women friends either, they get jealous and insecure, they want to be the centre of his world, not be second best to his "harem" of women best friends...

[Tom1231]

OK... I wasn't there, and I only can read one side of your story... but if she says she just wants to be friends... but she is now getting mad... then she had more feelings, and just didn't know what she wanted.

Okay, this is actually describing the situation pretty good in addition with this:

"Safe flirting" is fun that is why she does it, she has you firmly in the friend zone, so she knows it is going nowhere and if you get the wrong idea, she would immediately bring out the "But we are just friends" card.

I will have a hard time not talking to her but I feel like it will be better for myself. ATM it is more or less a one-sided toxic friendship.-

Try to stop being "the friend" to many women.

Women tend to see "the friend" as not being bf material. If lots of women like him but will not date him then there must be "something wrong" with him is the assumption.

Many women do not want to date guys who have lots of women friends either, they get jealous and insecure, they want to be the centre of his world, not be second best to his "harem" of women best friends...

The girl actually got so mad all the time I hung out with my best friend (which is as I said a girl). Once we were done studying and then she looked at me and asked in a really sassy/annoyed tone: "So you are going to *insert best friends name* now, right?" (she assumed that since I am there almost every night) And I just looked at her and just to upset her I said sure and went to my best friends (even tho I didn't plan on going)

 

Once she feels ready to get back into the dating game, she will start discussing her new dates with you...

I don't think she will do this tho. She never told me about her ex (well once at a party she asked her best friend what to answer him and I stood next to them so I joined them). And she never talked about other guys in front of me. Okay wait, that's untrue. There is this one guy which she would never tell me who it is (no name, no picture, nothing, they never met) but this guy started existing when I told her that I am going to hang out/go on a date with another girl. Up until today, I am pretty sure her guy never existed lol. None of her friends even knew about that guy lol Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

She may not ever want to date you, but she still does not want to lose her "special" friend.

I guess her jealousy is not really a sign of romantic interest

[Tom1231]

True and I know that. But I dislike when people don't appreciate my friends and I am way closer with my best friend than with her. So, she should just let me be with who I wanna be without judging, this is also part of a "good" friendship.