I don’t know how to feel about this girl

[Binary]

I’m a 21 year old student dating a 16 year old I’ve met off tinder, both our parents know and I’m not trying to manipulate her for a quick shag.

 

We’ve been speaking for over a month, calling every night and texting when we can. We jumped into our relationship far too quickly, we were talking about baby names and discussing a future together. She told me a few weeks later that she only downloaded tinder as a joke but was really pleased she met me. We’ve met three times now and I’m thinking it’s going really well, she tells me she wrote in her diary that she’s never felt this way about someone before (she’s been in four relationships, I’ve been in none) and that she’s deleted tinder, she even referred to me as her boyfriend while we were having a meal with her family.

 

But as time went on she called for less and less time which is understandable since we were calling for four hours, but she messaged me less and asked to see me on the date at a later time. I understand she wants time to herself and to focus on her exams (she wants all A*s and is stressed about it) but at the same time if she really loved me she would try to see me more than one Saturday every week.

 

She then messaged me saying that she didn’t want anything serious yet and she wants to mess around with other guys (flirt at clubs, play truth and dare but no sexual stuff). This made me feel really mad because I feel like I would do anything for her even though it’s been one month and she doesn’t seem to want to compromise on anything. She was talking about working in Wales over summer when I was hoping she would spend some of it with me. I basically said I didn’t want anything casual because I’ve come into this with the wrong mindset and told her goodbye since I just assumed she didn’t care about me.

 

She messaged me today asking if I was alright and I said I still really hurt and want to get over her. She then called me to discuss everything. She then told me that she did still like me but she didn’t want to make decisions in her life based off a guy she’s only met for one month. She says she talked to me less because she’s had lots of work to be doing and doesn’t want to throw away her long term prospects for anything. She says she loves the idea of spending summer with me and have a proper relationship but doesn’t want to make any promises in case anything comes up. She was saying she was messaging her friends and family about me so she does care, I just didn’t believe it.

 

She said about trying again but not making any promises about anything serious, so essentially a friends with benefits type thing. She told me not to wait for her in case it doesn’t work out and she goes elsewhere for summer. I feel like I really love her but everyone is saying it’s not possible over so little time. Also I feel this way about any girl I get close to. Is it possible I can make this work and if I’m just infatuated by her?

 

She said she’s ok with me looking for other people on tinder, I’m so confused right now, I want to believe when her exams are over she can spend lots of time with me and we can feel the same again. How can I make this work?

[Binary]

TLDR: Me and this girl fell in love in two weeks, she’s decided to let things cool down a bit, I saw this as her not being interested. Want to know how to move forward, will a friends with benefits type thing work or will I want more?

 

Also can I love someone and want a serious relationship after a month, I’ve never been in one before.

[CC12]

You are 21 and should not be messing around with a 16 year old, I don't care what her parents think about all this.

 

You said you are not trying to manipulate her for a shag. I believe that you are not just trying to shag her. I believe that you're not intentionally trying to manipulate her in any way, but I feel manipulation may still be happening unintentionally.

 

First, there is a power imbalance present between a 16 year old and a 21 year old. She is going to presume that you know more than her, that you're more experienced than her, and that you know what's best. She will end up being a follower in this relationship, rather than an equal. And that's an especially bad idea because you have no idea what you're doing. No offense.

 

There are also some manipulative tendencies in your behavior. This "if you really loved me you would ___" thing is very manipulative. Or not believing her when she says she cares about you. Or telling her goodbye when things don't go the way you want them to. When you say these things, it makes the other person jump through hoops to prove that they do care. It puts them in a position where they either have to do things to prove they care, and if they don't do these things, then they must be an uncaring, awful person, even if those things are unreasonable. Don't do this to people.

 

Moving too fast is also a trait that manipulative people tend to have. It's like you're so frightened of losing a person that you try to progress things really quickly, so that they don't have time to think or to weigh their options and you get to lock it down immediately, so that they feel they're kind of stuck with you and have to work things out.

 

The other red flag I see here is that you are trying to prevent her from having the experiences that a normal 16 year old has. You're trying to get her to commit to spending time with you over her summer instead of doing a fun work thing abroad, where she would gain valuable work and life experience. You are more concerned with her spending time with you than with her enriching her life. This is not good and I hope you really give this a lot of thought.

 

I'm not necessarily opposed to relationships with a large age gap (but not 16 and 21, to be honest) but the older person needs to be more experienced, more mature, and more willing to let the younger person have appropriate life experiences. I do not think you're there.

 

She has even been pretty clear in telling you that she doesn't want all of this right now. She is not committing to anything with you, which I think is smart and mature on her part. She is absolutely trying to break up with you, but you're not having it. You are here asking how to make this work, even when she's telling you that you should date other people. It's not going to work. And it shouldn't work. You should not be with someone so young when you yourself are so immature and inexperienced.

 

And, my god, no, you cannot just do a "friends with benefits" thing with a sixteen year old. Do you even know what that means? That you would even consider this makes my head spin. Stick to dating people your own age.

[Binary]

You are 21 and should not be messing around with a 16 year old, I don't care what her parents think about all this.

 

You said you are not trying to manipulate her for a shag. I believe that you are not just trying to shag her. I believe that you're not intentionally trying to manipulate her in any way, but I feel manipulation may still be happening unintentionally.

 

First, there is a power imbalance present between a 16 year old and a 21 year old. She is going to presume that you know more than her, that you're more experienced than her, and that you know what's best. She will end up being a follower in this relationship, rather than an equal. And that's an especially bad idea because you have no idea what you're doing. No offense.

 

There are also some manipulative tendencies in your behavior. This "if you really loved me you would ___" thing is very manipulative. Or not believing her when she says she cares about you. Or telling her goodbye when things don't go the way you want them to. When you say these things, it makes the other person jump through hoops to prove that they do care. It puts them in a position where they either have to do things to prove they care, and if they don't do these things, then they must be an uncaring, awful person, even if those things are unreasonable. Don't do this to people.

 

Moving too fast is also a trait that manipulative people tend to have. It's like you're so frightened of losing a person that you try to progress things really quickly, so that they don't have time to think or to weigh their options and you get to lock it down immediately, so that they feel they're kind of stuck with you and have to work things out.

 

The other red flag I see here is that you are trying to prevent her from having the experiences that a normal 16 year old has. You're trying to get her to commit to spending time with you over her summer instead of doing a fun work thing abroad, where she would gain valuable work and life experience. You are more concerned with her spending time with you than with her enriching her life. This is not good and I hope you really give this a lot of thought.

 

I'm not necessarily opposed to relationships with a large age gap (but not 16 and 21, to be honest) but the older person needs to be more experienced, more mature, and more willing to let the younger person have appropriate life experiences. I do not think you're there.

 

She has even been pretty clear in telling you that she doesn't want all of this right now. She is not committing to anything with you, which I think is smart and mature on her part. She is absolutely trying to break up with you, but you're not having it. You are here asking how to make this work, even when she's telling you that you should date other people. It's not going to work. And it shouldn't work. You should not be with someone so young when you yourself are so immature and inexperienced.

 

And, my god, no, you cannot just do a "friends with benefits" thing with a sixteen year old. Do you even know what that means? That you would even consider this makes my head spin. Stick to dating people your own age.

 

She’s been in multiple relationships before, lived on her own and travelled the world. She’s the one controlling what happens in this relationship. I definitely agree with her that she shouldn’t stop life experiences to be with me. But at the same time, she told me all these things about loving me and wanting a future with me but then it changed to her wanting to “have fun with other guys”. I would be happy to let her experience more of life and wouldn’t ever think of preventing her from doing that but at the same time it makes me feel worthless and that everything she said was a lie so I got angry. It’s not that I don’t want her to experience these things but that she never mentioned compromising to be with me, she later said on a phone call that she does like the idea of spending time with me but didn’t want to promise anything.

 

I know I’ve been very immature about this, I feel like I would throw away everything to be with her and when she didn’t say anything back I got upset. But I completely understand her viewpoint though, but it’s the thought that counts rather than actually doing it.

 

I agree that I move too quickly because I’m afraid of losing girls but I am working on this and trying to be less needy.

 

She suggested friends with benefits, she’s lost her virginity and is perfectly mature enough to decide herself, I didn’t suggest it either, I just wanted someone to be with me for everything not just sex.

 

I also feel the same with her as any other girl, it feels like love but everyone is telling me it isn’t. I’m scared that if I stay in contact with her I’ll feel worse than if I just left her. She said she’s willing to start again but slowly but doesn’t want to make any promises, am I going to come out of this more hurt?

[preraph]

She's 16! She isn't going to get serious with anyone for probably another 10 years. If you want to get serious with someone, you have to date older at your age, not younger. Her teen brain can't even fathom the consequences of her actions, and neither can yours fully yet. You're thinking with the amydala still and it isn't until you switch over to a fully formed prefrontal cortex that you begin to be able to see how what you do now affects your future. And that doesn't happen until about mid-twenties. You have NO business talking about babies with anyone yet!

 

She is smart to back off of you. She is a freaking teenager. Teenage girls just want to have lighthearted fun and giggles, not paste themselves to some kind of desperate guy who is possessive and talking about babies!

[SpecialJ]

Is this legal where you live? It isn't legal where I live. And while she and her parents are okay with the age difference now, they may not be if things go sour. Where I live, you'd really be playing with fire from that perspective.

 

"I feel like I really love her but everyone is saying it’s not possible over so little time. Also I feel this way about any girl I get close to."

 

You've met her three times, so it is limerace or infatuation, not love. But what you said here means something else. If you'll feel this strongly about any woman who pays attention to you, it's an indicator that you are very insecure and don't feel good about yourself, and are looking to others to fill in the holes and make you feel better. I'm not saying that to be harsh -- I'm saying that because you are only 21 and are lucky enough to have a chance to fix your own personal issues early and still have plenty of time for great, healthy romantic relationships!

 

In these situations, the intense but unfulfilling relationships (because of the drama of not being on the same page with the same goals and not being able to truly support each other) are distractions from the real issue and will keep happening in cycles. You feel like you feel this way because of her. But really, I'd bet you have some other difficulties you've faced in life before meeting her that are getting projected onto your feelings for her, making them way more intense. That may not sound intuitive, especially as you've said you have very little dating experience. I have a LOT of dating experience, and I have seen things go this way more times than I can count.

 

Take a break from her, and keep working out your own issues. See a therapist if you have to. If you start on this now, you'll be much more likely to be a great partner for a great relationship in the next couple years. You're not going to get that from a 16 year old or if you end up with a criminal record, no matter how overwhelmingly exciting and special she seems right now.

[preraph]

"falling in love" before you know the person isn't love, and most people understand it reveals something about you, which is that you are desperate and overly eager and are just ready to love anyone without even knowing them. That is not a compliment. That is perceived as you are too easy and desperate. It can also mean you have some ideal in your head of the perfect woman and that you go into it assuming she's it and projecting that onto her and trying to make her fit into that, but that girl doesn't exist.

[Binary]

Is this legal where you live? It isn't legal where I live. And while she and her parents are okay with the age difference now, they may not be if things go sour. Where I live, you'd really be playing with fire from that perspective.

 

"I feel like I really love her but everyone is saying it’s not possible over so little time. Also I feel this way about any girl I get close to."

 

You've met her three times, so it is limerace or infatuation, not love. But what you said here means something else. If you'll feel this strongly about any woman who pays attention to you, it's an indicator that you are very insecure and don't feel good about yourself, and are looking to others to fill in the holes and make you feel better. I'm not saying that to be harsh -- I'm saying that because you are only 21 and are lucky enough to have a chance to fix your own personal issues early and still have plenty of time for great, healthy romantic relationships!

 

In these situations, the intense but unfulfilling relationships (because of the drama of not being on the same page with the same goals and not being able to truly support each other) are distractions from the real issue and will keep happening in cycles. You feel like you feel this way because of her. But really, I'd bet you have some other difficulties you've faced in life before meeting her that are getting projected onto your feelings for her, making them way more intense. That may not sound intuitive, especially as you've said you have very little dating experience. I have a LOT of dating experience, and I have seen things go this way more times than I can count.

 

Take a break from her, and keep working out your own issues. See a therapist if you have to. If you start on this now, you'll be much more likely to be a great partner for a great relationship in the next couple years. You're not going to get that from a 16 year old or if you end up with a criminal record, no matter how overwhelmingly exciting and special she seems right now.

 

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there, I just wanted confirmation of what needs to be done.

[lingcanada]

You're thinking with the amydala still and it isn't until you switch over to a fully formed prefrontal cortex that you begin to be able to see how what you do now affects your future.