She shows all the signs but says she just wants to be friends?

[suhbliem]

I have a friend, we've know each other for about 20 years. Whenever we get together she is always touchy feely, likes to cuddle when we watch movies, we sleep in the same bed when she spends the night, always bumping into me when we walk side by side, super supportive of my aspirations and makes suggestions on what i can do to improve myself. we've never kissed but she has made moves on me when she's drunk that I don't reciprocate b/c I would rather show affection when we aren't intoxicated. she feels comfortable enough around me to walk around in her underwear when she's at my place.

 

despite all this she says she just wants to be friends. What gives? she's the type of girl who always has at least a dozen guys chasing her and is always busy but makes time to hang out always.

 

I am so confused...

[mark clemson]

Welcome to the club - I suspect you're one of her many chasers. (Unless I'm misunderstanding your post.)

 

You can probably have more IF you're willing to settle for drunken banging and not being her only man. Might be fun for a while, obviously not something to continue long term. Obviously not someone to develop strong, GENUINE feelings for unfortunately as that sounds like it would lead to strong, genuine heartbreak sooner or later. Also, use protection.

 

I think she may have a self esteem issue where she needs to have multiple men chasing her for validation/ego boosting. If/when she ever comes to grips with the fact that this is a problem, she could probably benefit from IC.

 

If you're looking for a solid, committed, love-bonded relationship (and not everyone is BTW) suggest looking elsewhere.

 

If I misunderstood your post then the above may be incorrect.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is she ever in relationships? Maybe she's just not interested in relationships and/or sex right now.

[suhbliem]

Thanks for the comments guys, just trying to gain some perspective. Mark, I suspect you are right that it has to do with insecurity in her. Cautious - she was married but got divorced last year, I dont think she is over that since she still complains about her ex regularly

[Youngestdaughter]

I hate to be severe upon my sex, but we can be vile. However, I've been in a similar situation on the other side, and she may not be as diabolical as she seems. I have a friend to whom I am attracted. But I knew he was in love with me. I called him with all my problems. We had pet names for each other, even said "I love you." I did and I do. And I could have gone for it when we were both single at the same time. But his friendship meant so much to me, I was afraid if we tried to make it more, I would lose not only the oldest and best friends I ever had, I might hurt him. That I could not bear. Turns out, he got his hopes up when my husband and I were separated and I did anyway. I swear, and he agrees, I did nothing read him on. He just got overly optimistic. It broke my heart to break his. Now, I am much more careful . My point is, she probably is attracted to you. We don't tend to cuddle with those we are not. But, after 20 years, she's probably afraid to put your friendship in peril or hurt you. I would be. You are obviously a good friend and a nice guy. And if she's still complaining about her ex, I would guess she's damaged and you might be the only man she trusts. But let's forget about her feelings for a minute. Do you value her friendship or are you just serving as understudy to the starring role as her man? If you don't want to lose her as a friend, leave it alone. If your feelings are strong enough, tell her how you feel. Make her choose. If she chooses friendship, no more snuggling and sharing a bed! Friends don't do that and it's not fair to you. Or your take charge attitude might cause a change in her heart. It's not PC to say so, but many of us find that very attractive. Or separate from her for a while. Missing you might make her realize her feelings for you are stronger than she thinks. Are you dating anyone? If not you should be. See how she reacts. If you really want her, take action! I can't know your heart. What you choose to do depends on how much you want her. But there's an old saying that we get what we think we deserve. You seem like a sweetie and a good friend and I think you deserve to be more than a warm body when she's lonely. Good luck. I hope whoever gets you deserves you!

[Youngestdaughter]

Hi. Me again. There's an option I forgot. It's risky and should only be done if you're certain you have nothing to lose. Grab her and lay the best, longest, wettest kiss you have ever given on her. If she has feelings for you, that should bring them out. It's how my husband got me and we've been together 14 years. Best kiss of my life. Never forget it.

[suhbliem]

I hate to be severe upon my sex, but we can be vile. However, I've been in a similar situation on the other side, and she may not be as diabolical as she seems. I have a friend to whom I am attracted. But I knew he was in love with me. I called him with all my problems. We had pet names for each other, even said "I love you." I did and I do. And I could have gone for it when we were both single at the same time. But his friendship meant so much to me, I was afraid if we tried to make it more, I would lose not only the oldest and best friends I ever had, I might hurt him. That I could not bear. Turns out, he got his hopes up when my husband and I were separated and I did anyway. I swear, and he agrees, I did nothing read him on. He just got overly optimistic. It broke my heart to break his. Now, I am much more careful . My point is, she probably is attracted to you. We don't tend to cuddle with those we are not. But, after 20 years, she's probably afraid to put your friendship in peril or hurt you. I would be. You are obviously a good friend and a nice guy. And if she's still complaining about her ex, I would guess she's damaged and you might be the only man she trusts. But let's forget about her feelings for a minute. Do you value her friendship or are you just serving as understudy to the starring role as her man? If you don't want to lose her as a friend, leave it alone. If your feelings are strong enough, tell her how you feel. Make her choose. If she chooses friendship, no more snuggling and sharing a bed! Friends don't do that and it's not fair to you. Or your take charge attitude might cause a change in her heart. It's not PC to say so, but many of us find that very attractive. Or separate from her for a while. Missing you might make her realize her feelings for you are stronger than she thinks. Are you dating anyone? If not you should be. See how she reacts. If you really want her, take action! I can't know your heart. What you choose to do depends on how much you want her. But there's an old saying that we get what we think we deserve. You seem like a sweetie and a good friend and I think you deserve to be more than a warm body when she's lonely. Good luck. I hope whoever gets you deserves you!

 

thank you

[chillii]

l'd just stop it with all this bs. l won't play some stupid ego boosting game with any woman.

Stop sharing a bed with her stop cuddling up with her stop it all, what you wanna be yet another one of these dumb ass guys chasing her.

Women like that just aren't happy with one getting away , even if she doesn't actually want him.

 

Treat her as a friend because that's all she is and ya don't do this bs with friends, well your silly if you do anyway because then you'll only end up on a forum asking what your asking..

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

This woman is obviously very comfortable with you and I'm sure she's a good person. The problem is, she is blurring all the boundaries between relationship and friendship to suit her needs. Your confusion and frustration is warranted because there is bs.

 

Her behaviour and actions are keeping your mind on her. With your mind on her, you're less likely to date anyone else. Yet..she doesn't want to be with you either. This is a problem for your relationship life. In the meantime, she's sorting herself out and has you as her safety. You provide to her, all the merits of a boyfriend without the emotional or physical commitment and it's a fantastic deal..for HER. Bluntly put..you're "whoring" yourself out for free (I apologize for the language the bluntness) and as a result, she won't really see the value in you because she doesn't have to earn anything with you. No challenge. She can get it all on demand. So long as you do this, she will never feel any need to commit to you.

 

It sounds to me like this woman you to take charge in some way shape or form by either you leaving, telling her how you feel, or taking youngestdaughter's super risky super move and kiss her..whatever it is, things need to change. The fact that you posted here regarding your situation indicates you already know this.

 

So start by asking yourself what you do want from this. If you want to be with her, then tell her what you want. Be prepared to walk away or to put distance and establish boundaries if she isn't willing to give it to you. Start dating others. You need to be strong and show her lines are being crossed, it's not cool, and it ends immediately. Meaning no more sleeping in the same bed and undressing in front of you. No more touch feely drunk nights. No more relationship like qualities.

 

At the end of the day, if she wants the whole deal, she better sort it out. You would not be in the wrong to leave so if what happens results in you walking away, assuming she is a reasonable person, she will eventually come to respect you for your decision to step it up. Your ability to take charge as well as put your well-being first will earn you far more of a chance of ending up with her than what's happening right now.

 

Don't entertain bs. Not for a second.

 

- Beach

Edited April 12, 2019 by Beachead

[maxi105]

hello suhb..., what she actually wants is attention. and it doesn't matter who that is from!

 

 

if you want a realationship with someone tehn you need to go out there and find someone kind and who is a good person and attractive in the proper sense of the word, not some steryotype or society expectation of what guys or gals are supposed to look like or behave sexually ect.

 

 

she is insecure, vain, and probably will try all kinds of games to set people against each other in order to prove how infactuated they are with her, and she 's loving the game, flattery and attention.

 

 

if she was into you , buy god you would know it! and ive no doubt, a girl like that will make you work to keep showing it if you did get her attention.

 

 

she is looking for people to keep boosting her esteem and everytime they do (this can happen with guys too ) and every time you swarm around her and the guys are showing off to make her laugh she gets that bit more arrogant.

 

 

don't think all girls are like this they aren't. don't think you have to behave like the other guys either because you done.

 

 

go find yourself a nice girl one who wants to be with you and will treat you right! this girl WONT because her only real interest is for herself and those you look on and have noted just how "important she is"!!!!!

 

 

she will grow up soon, just don't waste your time waiting for her or someone like her in the future.

 

 

girls (as in your post) or guys like this don't know how to treat others. so they hurt them knowingly by letting them think they stand a chance when clearly they don't!

 

 

why would you want to be with a girl like this anyway. even if she did get with you, there would be 1,000 other immature and sexually frustrated guys all ***** off to be with her and trying to spoil what you had if you got with her.

 

 

they are after sex and not much else, she is after admiration. its a pretty empty and soulless situation if you are someone nice who is looking to fall in love and meet someone kind and fun and caring to have a proper relationship with.

 

 

MOVE ON AND FIND SOMEONE MORE APPROPIRATE FOR YOUR HEART!!!! BEFORE you get it trappled on, humiliated or broken!!

 

 

take care of yourself, and don't question your confusion...its part of what people like this do to deliberately manipulate others and get them to feel something that they know they are not ever going to return....trust me, guys/gals who treat others like this are not just users, but they are the ones that will be gossiping about your and laughing about you to others behind your back, (or in your face, if they are particularly cruel!!!).

 

 

steer clear......maxi...ok, ive just read something in your post, you've known this woman for 20 years!!!!!.....I thought this was someones in their teens 20's from the way its written about!...

 

 

NO, LOOK YOU NEED TO SET SOME BOUNDERIES AND START BEING HONEST WITH HER!

 

 

Tell her you like her and that its killing you when she comes onto you or walks around in underwear. ask her (out of her home or bedroom) if she wants to be with you (and prepare your heart for the crush that will probably come as she sticks the knife of no thanks into your heart).

 

 

and tell her things have got to change, tell her that you 'd like more and if she cant change then tell her its either proper affection when she 's sober or its not at all.

 

 

this woman I still think is feeding her ego at your expense! I think she needs to know you are not her puppy and she cant pick you up and drop you when she feels like it.

 

 

come on now, you need to be a man about this. have some self resepct as a person and ask her to go out with you one time and look for a woman that will give you her affection without a lot of conditions tacked onto the side of it.

 

 

you deserve more than this.

 

 

she is a good person im sure away from all of this if you've known her for so long, but she is still using you emotionally and from what I can see you are getting nothing in return except a lot of teasing, flirting and NO HOPE or commitment.

 

 

yeah, do yourself a favout and don't keep wasting your time on this gal. tell her how you feel, leave it for her to figure out for a few days, then look for another woman who will treat you with respect and who knows what real love is and how to treat others!

 

 

I think the fact that your letter reads like a teenagers or 20 something in some ways, tells me that this isn't doing you any good and she has got her claws into your head!!!!

 

 

she might just look at you differently and start having some respect for you if you stand up for yourself and tell her what you want, and what you don't think is fair or what is hurting your heart in this way.

 

 

she doesn't see you as a partner, but you have the advantage of at least knowing her. so maybe take up that challenge and show her (and yourself) who's the boss, who you really are and who you need to be in life (and its not her little plaything or slave), she needs to start treating you as an equal and a partner (even as a friend only!!!) but you need to get away from this flirting game playing...things like that do cut a lot deeper than people often realise.

 

 

ok, gonna scoot for the hills, maxi :0

[preraph]

What do you mean, what gives? She gave up on you because you never made a manly move and didn't even reciprocate when SHE did, so now she realizes you are not man enough for her and not her type and that she's better off just having you as a friend. She's comfortable with you like a brother at this point.

 

Please tell me both of you have been dating other people this whole time.