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Is she playing games?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 25th February 2019, 11:33 PM   #1
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Red face Is she playing games?

Recently I had a friend confess she was into me and grope me at a party, she also said she was in love with me two years ago when I had a gf. She was sober and nothing else happened. I was quite shocked to hear this because I never in a million years would have suspected her being into me and I've always kind of been into her secretly (she didn't know this), but always thought she was out of my league so never pursued anything.

However, I know that she broke up with her bf from a few months back who cheated on her and I know she was upset for a while. I don't know if she still is - but ever since the party, I always seem to be the one to call or text her first to ask if she wants to hang out or simply talk. She does seem interested when the conversation takes place, but when it's ended with a goodnight - I don't hear from her at all the next day or the next couple days.

Part of me thinks she's just trying to get over her ex and perhaps I am a distraction for her or something. I don't particularly want this to ruin our friendship but I also don't want to be back where I was years ago, where I was practically in love with her and couldn't do anything about it because she was taken. It's always been that kind of situation where she's been taken or I have and now we're both single but she's kind of hot/cold now and I don't know why. Usually I text or call first, she will respond and seem interested in the conversation, sometimes even sexually flirting with me. But, she never calls or texts me unless I do it first.

So, am I over-thinking things here or could she be playing hard to get or perhaps not even interested at all and just confused from her breakup?
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Old 25th February 2019, 11:40 PM   #2
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You are in a risky position here, and I'll start off by saying both men and women are guilty of playing the opposite sex when they are recently out from a breakup.

She is probably attention seeking and still has her mind on her ex - hence the flirting and sexual innuendo.

The safest approach for you is to keep this a friendship and seek out another woman until she proves to you she can give you the love and affection a normal relationship deserves.

The more dangerous approach is to properly ask her out on a date and watch what she does. That way she sees your intentions loud and clear. If this goes down the dating road be ready for an emotionally rough breakup and bounceback to the ex. If she refuses or continues to play with you, you will know she isn't emotionally ready to decide.

The most powerful negotiating position to be in, is to be able to walk away from a deal, and mean it. You can win this if you come at this with the highest emotional integrity and strength.
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:25 AM   #3
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If she already is hot/cold, don't ask her on a date unless you want her to be more cold and less hot. The one exception is if the two of you are hanging out already and the vibes are strong. Cut any cutesy over interested stuff out of your mind. Play it cool, maybe don't text her for a while and see what she does. And don't say goodnight or any of that nonsense, especially since she hasn't been receptive to it. She's not your girlfriend and being fresh from a relationship, the interest most likely is about looking for a low commitment rebound. Good-nights, good-mornings, how-was-your-days, and things like that do not give off low commitment energy. Your best bet is running into her naturally.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:04 AM   #4
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She practically hit you over the head with a 2x4 & unequivocally let you know she was interested romantically. Yet you have her squarely in the friendzone. She's behaving coolly to save face because she has concluded that you rejected her romantic advance.

Get this straight: She does not want to "hang out with you." She wants you to ask her on a date. She expects romance & kissing. If you are not going to give her that, she's going to hang back because she thinks by confessing she made a fool of herself. You are basically letting this woman twist in the wind, which is cruel.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:06 AM   #5
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I haven't friendzoned her at all. I confessed to her I used to be in love with her too and have always had a soft spot for her and I still like her. I asked her to hangout with me 3 days ago and she couldn't because she was on night-shift. I respectfully said to her before I went to bed to message me in the morning so we can sort out a plan when to hang out. She didn't msg me at all and hasn't for 3 days now. Yes, perhaps she is busy. Perhaps she just doesn't want to. Lots of possibilities but in no way would I ever be cruel to her. I respect her far too much to do something like that.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th February 2019 at 6:26 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:13 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by crispytoast View Post
If she already is hot/cold, don't ask her on a date unless you want her to be more cold and less hot. The one exception is if the two of you are hanging out already and the vibes are strong. <snip>
I think you're right. I'll leave it for now and just see where it goes.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th February 2019 at 6:26 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:34 AM   #7
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You are in a risky position here, and I'll start off by saying both men and women are guilty of playing the opposite sex when they are recently out from a breakup.<snip>

I understand what you're saying and it makes more sense. I'll take your advice on board and just keep the friendship I have with her for now until the hot/cold stuff stops and is more consistent.

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Old 26th February 2019, 12:10 PM   #8
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I haven't friendzoned her at all. I confessed to her I used to be in love with her too and have always had a soft spot for her and I still like her. <snip>
This was the mistake. In my experience, you steer clear of the love word until you're really going strong with someone. It freaks people out.

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Old 26th February 2019, 3:52 PM   #9
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This was the mistake. In my experience, you steer clear of the love word until you're really going strong with someone. It freaks people out.


I see. But she said it first, that she was in love with me when I had a girlfriend. So I was responding back with that I was in love with her when she had a bf. I dunno. Perhaps I shouldn't have said it back.

You seem to know what you're talking about, have you been through something similar?
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Old 26th February 2019, 4:09 PM   #10
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I mean, a lot of women just let the man initiate things, including texting and calling, so if you want to ask her out, you'll need to do it. I don't know why you think a texting marathon is a prelude requisite to asking her out. You've known her quite long enough. Ask her, "I know your breakup is kind of recent. Are you anywhere near wanting to date again yet?" If she says something resembling "yes," say, "Let me do the honors. How about Saturday?"
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:17 PM   #11
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Asking somebody to hang out with you is substantially below asking them on a date. Telling her you used to love her implies that those feelings were in the past & no longer exist. Saying you still have soft spot for her sounds more like you letting her down gently then you indicating continued interest.

Also saying you "love" somebody who you weren't dating dilutes the word & makes it seem as though you have no real concept of what it means because you throw it around so causally.

I think you & she have a serious communications problem here. I do not think you have expressed interest in a way she understands that so she's being cool to save face & preserve whenever connection you do have without awkwardness.
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:15 PM   #12
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I agree, I think we do have a communication problem but when I keep texting/calling first all the time it makes me feel like I'm being too much since there is no balance. I don't want to suffocate her or come off too strong.

I guess I won't get anywhere if I'm not just straight-forward, I'll ask her out on a date but give it a few days to pass.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th February 2019 at 6:24 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:18 PM   #13
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I mean, a lot of women just let the man initiate things, including texting and calling, so if you want to ask her out, you'll need to do it. I don't know why you think a texting marathon is a prelude requisite to asking her out.<snip>

There is no texting marathon. I initiate conversation first so I can ask her to hang out, we haven't hung out alone yet since the party so I've been waiting on her getting back to me but she never did. I'll take your advice and just ask her if she's ready to date or still getting over her ex.

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Old 26th February 2019, 9:23 PM   #14
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A breather then a request for a date sounds like a good plan. I'd call not text the ask though. It's more personal.
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Old 26th February 2019, 10:37 PM   #15
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I see. But she said it first, that she was in love with me when I had a girlfriend. So I was responding back with that I was in love with her when she had a bf. I dunno. Perhaps I shouldn't have said it back.

You seem to know what you're talking about, have you been through something similar?
Sort of. It was a girl who was close to me while she was dating someone else. We vibed really well together, the attraction was obvious to anyone who was around us even though we treated each other like friends. They broke up, a few weeks after that , we started hooking up. Had some of the best sex either of us had ever had in our life but fresh out of a relationship she didn't want anything more. A month or so in, I told her that I loved her. She pulled away and sort of dissed me pretty hard. I didn't talk to her for weeks and then we ran into each other at a party. She said she was sorry and that she loved me too but she wasn't in the right place in her life. She tried to kiss me but I kinda deflected it and just held her for a while. I was hurt too much and felt really used. She said it once or twice more to me that night and I couldn't say it back. I really loved her so much but I was afraid she would hurt me again. Plus we were both intoxicated and it was hard for me to believe it was coming from her heart. It was one of the more difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. Sometimes I regret my actions that night but it was probably for the better. But enough of that.

Obviously it's a little different, but what I learned from that is just how strong of a word love truly is. When you tell someone that you love them, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. It gives them all of the power and you can't get it back, it has to be given back. Sometimes people don't want that power, they don't want that kind of influence over your heart, even if they are very attracted to you. And people don't always understand what they mean when they say it either.

I prefer to show people that I love them instead, it's a much more powerful gesture anyway. You can even say it with words without saying I love you. I don't tell people I love them unless I feel it so deeply and passionately in my heart that I don't care if they have the power. I would give them the whole world and hope they would share it with me, and if they don't want to, then be able to walk away with my integrity because I know I meant it and when you love someone, you want them to be as happy as can be, with or without you in their life.

From my perception of your situation, it seems very spur of the moment for both of you. Keep in mind, it was at a party when she said it, right? I'm willing to guess you were both somewhat intoxicated. Intoxication amplifies feelings, so after the party, when you're all amped texting her, she might be looking at the messages thinking "Oh f*ck, I just got out of a relationship and this really isn't what I need in my life right now."

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A breather then a request for a date sounds like a good plan. I'd call not text the ask though. It's more personal.
I agree with this.

Sorry for the long post. Felt some buried emotions. F*ck like having feelings and stuff.

Last edited by crispytoast; 26th February 2019 at 11:14 PM..
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