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Am I being noble or foolish?


Moraldilemna

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Hey there, I'd really appreciate the perspective of someone more objective.

 

I met this wonderful guy through work 5 yearsish ago. I felt an immediate sense of importance but not necessarily attraction. In fact, I thought he was gay for a while until he started being flirty. I was and still am in a relationship since we've met, but in the last 5 years I've discovered some really huge incompatibilities, and nearly broke up over finding out my boyfriend cheated early on.

 

For context, I have low self-esteem, I'm not used to being treated well or receiving love and it's damaged my ability to judge interest. A lot of big destructive life events happened right before I started that job and during, and constantly had me reeling to reach a state of comfort. I've lost tons of weight since my awkward highschool years and I can tell when strangers think I'm cute, but with my guy friend I'm hesitant to believe that his signals mean anything because he's so conventionally attractive it confused me.

 

After making a very clear move about a year into meeting by caressing my hands ( in the middle of the office...i was shocked and did nothing), he showed up after the holidays engaged to someone he had never mentioned. And here i was working up the confidence to approach him, it made me avoid him for 6 months...but at this point I realized how much he meant to me.

 

Here are some moments when I thought he was indicating interest:

- said we make a great team (we have similar taste)

- said he wants me in joking voice, increased long and intense eye contact lately

- told me I'm exceptional

- stares at my body /lips

- mirrors body language and lets our arms keeping touching etc

- invites me to events, talks to me more than his gf all night

- invited me to have lunch with him and his mom when she was visiting, she winked at me. And he still brings up how she thought i was beautiful and wonderful

- his eyes glisten when we laugh and water with empathy during serious discussions

- we've shared a lot of info about ourselves and families

- he said I'm a catch and anyone would be lucky to have me.

- tells me to leave my bf, doesn't like him

- tons of sexual innuendo, even miming foreplay etc as a "joke" regularly

- accidental touches

- he's put his hand on my lower back, he's brushed his hands across my hand like 5 times in a row, he's gently removed an eyelash from my face

- he stops by my desk multiple times everyday to chat

- we constantly have huge smiles and laugh heartily, we can make eachother blush.

- we have lunch together alone everyday at work.

- he makes very cryptic comments such as I should follow my feelings and that things in life are 50/50, that he's stuck between two people

- once he even quietly and in an odd voice said something like i love you, and I'll always love you.

- he remembers everything and gave me an incredibly personal and thoughtful birthday gift.

- he jokingly said I draw him like a magnet.

- has hinted at thinking maybe one day it would be worth seeing what I'm like in a relationship

- said i look like a celebrity then days later mentions how he used to crush on said celebrity

- always notices/compliments my outfit

 

Our banter is electric, we have so much in common, people in public assume we're a couple always, friends notice, I can't stop thinking about him and we both mention thinking the other person would've loved something when we're apart/ indicate missing the other person.

 

Some mixed signals:

He's a gregarious flirty enfj with tons of charisma and treats everyone like they're special.

 

He doesn't text, he keeps some distance by being cooler some days. He still speaks lovingly about his fiance. He's finally marrying her after a long engagement but recently indicated it was less secure because they argued on Valentine's. She has put him in debt with the level of financial support/gifting she expects. Sometimes he seems avoidant.

 

He said someone who knows what they want and goes for it is a wonderful trait... was that an invitation to confess?

 

Would I be terribly selfish, foolish and risking my job/best friendship to be honest about how I feel. It's driven me into a deep depression to be so in love with someone who isn't mine, and to struggle to leave the imperfect but tangible person by my side. I want to spend my life with my best friend, I'd leave everything for him. So far I've ignored my desire and all the signs because it seems more noble to let him be happy and to not ruin our friendship based on assumptions.

 

I really want to say something though because it might help me move on. What should I do?

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He has a GF.

 

He's a flirty guy but nothing he has done crosses any lines. You are imagining his romantic interest in you. Especially because he's a coworker, say nothing.

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Ehn, he sounds like a guy with a boundary problem. All that faux “relationship” talk and making hints about your future sound cheesy to me. Take everything he says and does with a grain of salt and keep your emotional distance.

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I really appreciate the honesty, thanks!! I think I'll join the gym and start working out during my lunch break as a means of creating distance without being too obvious.

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IMHO you're in an emotional affair (EA), esp. since you are feeling so attached. EAs can have a way of creeping up on you (mine did).

 

I flirt a lot, I admit. But I would never do some of the things you mention with a coworker. He clearly gets a kick out of leading you on. Possibly he really does like you too.

 

Obviously you've enjoyed the attention ("lunch together every day"?) But now you know he's engaged and you are very right to be walking away from this. Doubt his fiancee would be happy to see him interact with you.

 

Let him go and enjoy your life with someone you can have!

Edited by mark clemson
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He has a GF.

 

He's a flirty guy but nothing he has done crosses any lines. You are imagining his romantic interest in you. Especially because he's a coworker, say nothing.

I agree. When I had a normal "9 to 5" kind of job, there was 2 girls that I would flirt with all the time. They were both cute, and younger than me... and would laugh at what I would say. I would walk passed one of their desks when heading to the bathroom, and even asked if she would join me to "look at a swelling issue" I was having. The other like that I road motorcycles, and I took her on a few rides and to lunch.

 

With that said... at the time... I would NEVER cheat on my wife, and they both knew that. Well... one knew that, and I think one was hoping for more. But work place flirting is normal... and so is having a "Work wife". I think it's natural for people to be attracted and to bond at work... but most people do not act on their feelings if they are honorable, and have someone at home.

 

So.. continue to flirt, but don't expect more. BUT... if he breaks up with his significant other... then be ready to go.

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Turning point

I too, think there are boundary issues with this guy and in a work setting I find people who are like this to be manipulative.

 

It seems to have been rather effective at keeping you engaged with confusion for 5 years running. This is not a healthy way for you to be.

 

Forget about this guy, evaluate your present relationship on it's own merits, and going forward choose to engage with people upon clear, direct and unambiguous communication. Life is not a game of poker, and when you find yourself staring across at someone who is always holding back some cards - it's time to walk away from the table.

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hi m/d, im not sure where the feeling noble could come in from anything that is going on in this post.

 

you sound like a well meaning person im sure (well im half sure perhaps), and maybe one who's loses their hearts either very easily or whose head is turned by attention (and I wouldn't knock you down for that because he is flirting big time and no it is not imagined...although....miming foreplay at work!!!! that sounds a bit immature, tacky and pretty innapropriate for a work place surely!!!!!

 

but whatever you think, im not sure its not going to get you anywhere because he is someone who isn't interested he's just using you, killing time and making himself feel good at your expense! and besides: this dude is getting married soon! and for your part in this too you are also with someone!!!!!

 

so I think the "morals" on both side aren't the best for either of you (even if he is laying it on and you are drinking it in!!!!)

 

I read this initially and thought one thing, but now ive read this again my post is now a bit different and the main point is this:

 

if he makes a serious and definite actual move to leave who he is with then tell him how deep your feelings are for him.

 

 

this guy sounds a bit immature in the way he is playing things here, so let him get married and il bet that his new wife will soon be seeing for herself how much he loves to play these little games and how he is capable of flirting with other women so easily and intensly!!!!!.

 

I don't belive any of this will be good for your self esteem, and because you are also with someone its going to hurt you when you see them hurt by this too if they find out what is really going on if they don't know already.

 

if you are getting tired in your relationship do something to sort it out, if you are getting bored and you know or feel more sure that you don't love your partner then leave him (for a short while at least) and make yourself free, if still you still want someone who can give you the love and attention that maybe you aren't getting in the way you need then maybe you just need to leave and find someone else properly.

 

if you do become single and he wants you then who knows but don't fall for his****** unless he really means it and is prepared to be single for you, either way, if you are going to get single then do it for yourself and do it because you want to start again with someone new.not nessesarilly him.

 

being single doesn't mean he's going to come running to you, but it might make him think and give you a chance to find out the sort of man you really want. maybe you've just got in a stale rut with your guy or maybe you do need something more. either way talk to this guy and tell him these games are damaging you and messing with your feelings and your relationship.

 

let him know its got to stop and don't encourage your friends to let you think somehtng is going to happen (unless he comes to you and tells you hes not getting married and is now single and wants to be with you).

 

he knows enough to keep you wanting him but isn't that serious I dont think and doesn't want to give you anything back properly, he's just using you.

 

so do yourself a favour, forget what your friends or his mother are saying, unless he leaves his finace then it doesn't matter what he promises you. he's still with her and wants for now what he can get from her!!!!!! and I suspect if he had a chance to get what he really wants from you you might see his flirting stop or cut back a lot!!!!!!

 

if after all the talk to you he does love her properly, dont get further in with all of this, because if he loves her after all then he will drop you anyway and you will feel really hurt and he will turn and blame you if you still get too into him once he is married!

 

 

but Im sure you actually do want to tell him!!!! so if this is bothereing you as much as you say it does then yes, I think you should talk to him and lay it on heavy as to how you feel and ask him what does he feel for you? anything? is he still getting married you will know straight away if he is rally interested or just playing games with you.

 

 

if he cannot handle your telling him how you feel then just say look I wish you well with your marriage, its been fun but im not interested in the banter and flirting anymore. I don't like you giving me false hopes and let him know you've been badly hurt many times before. hopefully this guy will take time to stop and think about the way he's playing with peoples feelings.

 

but before you look at his feelings and feel this is a done deal, I think you also need to honestly look at your own feelings and how they are impacting on your partner and self esteem anyway because of what is going on at work!

 

ok, good luck.maxi. ps, ….whilst you are thinking about this, maybe you should also think about what is it about your partner that is not enough for you that you would leave him for this person.... or another man? ok, c u.

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That is just who he is. That wink was his mom telling you, "Don't take him too seriously, he does that all the time."

 

You said yourself he makes everyone feel special and is generally flirtatious. Not saying that makes it impossible that he's interested in you.

 

But ask yourself this. With him being the way he is with everyone, would you even be able to handle being his fiance and knowing he's leading women on and flirting with them all the time at work and elsewhere? Wouldn't you find that intolerable? Because that is who he is. He would not stop doing it just because he's with you anymore than he has now he's with his fiance.

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I am so glad that I posted here before acting. Thank you to all of you for your advice.

 

Yep I'm definitely one to fall easily and deeply and my crushes tended to last ages. I'm definitely naive in some ways, I'm a late bloomer who tends to idealize people and rationalize red flags when I'm emotionally invested. It's a weakness I hope to improve, and it sounds like having stronger boundaries is the next step. I'm working on self-worth but maybe I need therapy to really spark the change needed to act decisively in my own interest, I'm way too much of a people pleaser.

 

I've definitely felt uncomfortable at times with the innappropriate nature of my crush's words and actions. I guess he manipulated expertly over time by supporting me emotionally through some challenging experiences. I don't want to chock it all up to being used, some of it felt like genuine friendship/collaboration. I wish I could salvage the platonic portion. Regardless, the consensus seems to favour distance and that seems the best course of action. If he asks why I'm suddenly distant, I'll explain that I was no longer comfortable with the flirting etc and that it's best we keep things professional.

 

My relationship is suffering because of direct comparison, and from a distinct difference in terms of some difficult incompatibilities when it comes to priorities, values, communication style/love languages. My current partner has cheated on me in the past and lied about it for years. I only found out because the girl informed me of it way after the fact on facebook. He ended it on his own and had demonstrated a huge leap in character growth since(sobriety, patient accountability, full transparency), and we've managed to partially rebuild trust after what I'm hoping has been 4.5 years of fidelity.

 

I decided to stay but it has been incredibly difficult to forgive and I definitely used this crush to help build emotional distance and perhaps boost my confidence after having my heart and trust broken. I know I'm wrong for letting it progress to an EA, and I'm definitely going to heed the generous advice you've all provided.

 

It's time for me to get real about what I want from a partner and to end this unhealthy dynamic with a person who has demonstrated poor character. I want to live with integrity, I highly value love and honesty. I could never be happy with someone who so brazenly uses others for validation and I'm genuinely mad at myself for growing feelings mostly based on the fantasy and not the reality of the situation. Limerence is brutal, and I've been weak. :(

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I guess he manipulated expertly over time by supporting me emotionally through some challenging experiences. I don't want to chock it all up to being used, some of it felt like genuine friendship/collaboration. :(

 

As he treats everyone like they are special, I'm wondering how you feel he's been manipulating you. And why do you feel used? It sounds like he gave you solid support when you needed it, so did he take more than he gave?

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Do not approach. He’s looking to cheat.

 

End your relationship that you deem inadequate.

 

Work on YOUR own issues! Do not date until you resolve your issues.

 

Stop trying to justify bad behavior.

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I guess manipulation was more in reference to him being particularly flirtatious and based on other posters comments of him mostly wanting attention vs actually having interest in me. I don't feel used as his friend or entitled to more, just foolish for overanalyzing everything.

 

He has been a great friend, just a terrible flirt and only in regard to encouraging my admiration do I feel slightly used. He used to flirt more indiscriminantly, but in the last few years he doesn't approach any other women at work or spend time with them, but when I've seen him interact through projects etc with others or at events there is an inherent degree of charm and reciprocity he gives most people. He's mentioned being too shy to approach women he's really attracted to, and finding dating exhausting/preferring relationships.

 

I'm not aiming to excuse my bad decisions, rather elaborating on what I feel was the catalyst initially. I'm ready to be honest and work on my own issues rather than ignoring them. I want to avoid ever experiencing a situation like this again.

 

I still think he's a good guy and a good friend in terms of reciprocal emotional support, and intellectual collaboration. I don't think he'd actually cheat given he has experienced a previous partner cheating and it ended their relationship. I think maybe he just doesn't realize how much the flirting impacts me? I genuinely thought maybe it was an exceptional case of will they won't they/right person wrong timing.. my indecisiveness is fueled by a fear of regret.

 

I feel awful for ignoring my partner's feelings throughout this and I'm going to honour him more by pouring all my energy back into trying to rebuild intimacy before throwing in the towel, or letting him find someone who he can have a happy life with. No more excuses, no more fantasies, no more diversions. :)

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healing light

Yeah, this guy has a fiance. You have a boyfriend.

 

I think this is more about what you aren't getting in your current relationship. What is going on there?

 

There's no way I would spend this much time thinking about another man while I have a boyfriend unless there was something missing or not right about that relationship.

 

I think your priority is resolving that situation--can you see a future with the man you're with? If not, it's time to let him go.

 

Then you can worry about other guys. This one, though, is in a serious, committed relationship. Would you really want him at the end of the day if this is how he acts when he's engaged? How could you trust him if he went off into the sunset with you?

 

Not worth the risk...

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the consensus seems to favour distance and that seems the best course of action. If he asks why I'm suddenly distant, I'll explain that I was no longer comfortable with the flirting etc and that it's best we keep things professional.

 

Limerence is brutal, and I've been weak. :(

 

Yes, limerence can truly be brutal. If you're indeed in it and capable of doing what you intend, I'd say you're stronger than many. Power to ya!

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It's all quite true, I couldn't be see myself happy with such a flirt. And thanks, I appreciate that.

 

As for what's missing in my current relationship, he ticks all the boxes of intelligence, responsibility, and work ethic but has openly stated I'm not his priority while in school ( for the last 5 years and potentially 4 more for his phd). We bicker a lot when stressed, and have almost no overlap in hobbies/ interests other than chilling while trashtalking tv. He's without any zeal for new experiences, without curiosity beyond his very specific career aspirations, which is fair because I respect his ambition but it's not easy to relate to him. We've never travelled due to time/money, but after he cheated on literally the only overnight trip I took alone, I'm still afraid to travel without him. Conversations die out quickly without tv and he's not really as playful/improvisational in conversation as the crush. I guess having deep and varied discussions is a major component of attraction that I'm only recently discovering.

 

He can lack empathy and has been emotionally abusive (being vindictive then telling me I'm overreacting while I'm in tears). He took 3 years to read the one post-infidelity book I asked him to, because he said he knew he'd never do it again, but I needed him to understand the devastation from an objective source. He always requires me to justify my feelings and my thoughts as though he is default more correct or knowledgeable and it makes me exhausted, he's stuck in competitive academic mode. I have felt minimized and ignored at times.

 

The last year or two have really improved though. He still checks in to make sure I'm ok, he apologizes, we've gotten way better at being patient and respectful in heated moments. The intimacy is great, and we still have a similar sense of humor and generally want the same longterm lifestyle (once he graduates). He's even started being more thoughtful and supportive, but then brags about how little time he invests into some small gesture or how cheap the flowers etc were as though to remind me where I stand.

 

To be honest, we may both be high functioning spectrum so I've tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt that with time and patient reminders, there's been a lot of progress. My childhood was an abusive nightmare so I've normalized a lot of unhealthy behavior and have to constantly question if my expectations are reasonable, and my part in the codependency that we have slipped into in rough patches.

 

He's my first serious relationship and my first love, and it's almost 7 years now. Really the first time anyone in my life was a source of reliability..so him cheating was devastating because I did want to spend my life with him. I was so heartbroken and felt so badly about myself that I couldn't leave without trying to fix things (i loved him more than i loved myself), and he always seems to change just enough to keep me more optmistic. I'm truthfully paralyzed by the fear of letting myself love him fully again or leaving. How does anyone make such a life-altering choice? I'm an indecisive, anxious, and introverted person and this is probably the hardest decision I've been faced with.

 

My crush was a mirage in a desert of self-loathing, maybe I just liked how he made me feel about myself more than anything. He validated me more than my partner and has more in common in terms of truly appreciating the same passions in life.

 

Thanks again everyone for being honest and bringing clarity to a muddled perception. :)

Edited by Moraldilemna
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You seem to have a lot of self-awareness. I think you'll do fine either way (stay or go).

 

 

My crush was a mirage in a desert of self-loathing, maybe I just liked how he made me feel about myself more than anything. He validated me more than my partner and has more in common in terms of truly appreciating the same passions in life.

 

Yes, flirting and the much less common EA are all about mutual validation generally. They're like that for everyone I think. No need to feel bad about yourself...

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Thanks so much, that's kind of you.

 

The crush tried to touch my hand and I dodged it, then he touched my shoulder and seemed like he was working up to addressing it, then someone else walked into the room. I didn't flirt back and definitely kept my cool, but he's as confusing as ever. Avoidance without verbally explaining why seems super difficult since it's just an unspoken expectation that we have lunch together.

 

I must say I slept a lot sounder once I decided to close the chapter emotionally. One day at a time I guess lol

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I think most of us have been there. Nice people give the benefit of the doubt. Then when they get a crush, they bend over backwards rationalizing and justifying bad behavior, even at times blaming themselves for someone else's bad behavior. So don't be hard on yourself. I'm like you, I get a crush and hang on like a dog with a bone -- for years. It's not rational, but it is human. It's important to realize two things:

 

One is that that love you feel is really coming from inside you, not coming from him. That's why so many people can feel intense love for people who don't even like them back or are terrible people. They give them love and don't, like you say, pay attention to boundaries and red flags. The only good news is you don't lose your love; you get to take it with you when you withdraw it from that person and give it to whoever you want the next time.

 

The other thing is so obvious, but it's not being able to see the forest for the trees. I think that's part of what this forum is for, which is you get a fresh perspective untainted by "but I love him" type stuff. And basically, that's step back and set emotions aside for a moment and set aside your hopes or what you hoped he might do and just look at what he has done and what he does. Just call it "It is what it is." What he is, is generally flirtatious and doing it likely behind his fiance's back. So that's who he is. That's why I said that. You can rationalize, and a lot of other women do, Oh, he's not really happy with her, they're not meant to be together, we are, and he will change -- but that is Disney fiction. He is that person. It's hard to see if for our own emotions and every little thing that has gone on, but those are his actions.

 

What does he get out of it? Probably validation. You know, that's why Tiger Woods cheated on his near-perfect specimen of a wife and mother. He's propping himself up. Guys like that can be fun, but they often hurt people too. We had one in my old crowd. Two of my younger girlfriends were hung up on him. There were all kinds of red flags. I never even told them he propositioned me too and flirted with me too. It should have been obvious he was like that with so many people.

 

Anyway, hope your situation with your current man works out. It's great that he is reforming himself. Of course, if after all that, you still aren't happy with him, at least he'll be in a better position to move to the next relationship than before, right?

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A little naive in my opinion. Ever since you started having lunch one on one with taken man every day you crossed a line... I’m sure deep inside you knew it’s inapp ... now you’re dealing with the aftermath.

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He always requires me to justify my feelings and my thoughts as though he is default more correct or knowledgeable and it makes me exhausted, he's stuck in competitive academic mode. I have felt minimized and ignored at times.

 

He's even started being more thoughtful and supportive, but then brags about how little time he invests into some small gesture or how cheap the flowers etc were as though to remind me where I stand.

 

 

Are you sure this is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? He sounds terrible, tbh! I'm not one to idealize life, I've gone through a lot myself, but it's never worth it to be with someone who doesn't hold you to the highest level of importance. I'm not talking about being obsessed, disregarding friends/family members' feelings to please the SO, but truth is, you should be almost as, or as, important as his parents/siblings are to him, and definitely should be prioritized before his friends. It's nice to be ambitious, but without the respect what are you going to get out of that ambition?

 

 

I think you seriously should re-evaluate this relationship. Your EA at work is a symptom of your subconscious doubt of the relationship. I firmly believe that any age, it's better to be alone, than to be with someone who wants to "remind you where you stand".

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hey moral dialemma, I have only read your fist reply since you replied and maybe I should have read everything that went inbetween that from yourself and the other posters, but I haven't and I think what you have posted there actually sounds like someone who actually is honest and decent enough to try to want to do the right thing now.

 

 

done knock yourself around with feelings on this matter, if you want a fresh start then that is possible.

 

 

but I cant help wondering whether your current relationship is giving you all you need in the self esteem department? (of course only you know that), but from what you've said already your partner really still needs to step up some!

 

 

the values you speak about about your current relationship being different are huge in difference and I wonder whether some of them are erally ever going to change?, there are so many single people out there one of which might be a better bet than what you've got.

 

 

if it were me, and I don't know all the facts and what has gone on and I am aware of that totally, but if it were me i would want to be sure i was with the right person. i would call time and have a break with this person i was with and take myself off somewhere with friends or on my own or go see people that know me real well for a day, weekend few hours if needed and talk about everything and what i feel. i would want to be out of the situation completely and see if my partner missed me enough to enable us to talk and go forward.

 

 

its esay to talk of what is happening now, but where do you want to be in 5 years 10 years 20 years with this man, where do you want to be in life, do you have children do you want children can you have children are you both ok with this can you afford them "properly" in a realistic way, how does that affect things....there are a billion questions that bei g with the one throw up and from what i see (and it is only a small bit of it i know) but if the differences are fundamentally incompatible, then what happens when you hit the more serious stuff/ is he going to stand by you and be supportive and be capable of doing the right thing?

 

 

ok, so now i have read more about what you have said, because i think you are serious in what you want out of your posts and i appreciate that you have got back to folks in your genuine desire to sort things out, i admire that, so put your honesty and sincertity into your box of insecurities and shake it up a little, im sure you have a lot more esteem than you give yourself the credit of actually having. and i think one thing about esteem is that if you are with the right people in life , good trusted friends that care, new people that come into your life as friends for a short while, family members you can open up to and often online folks that chime with your thoughts as and when....then one thing that they all have in common is that in the end they want your esteem to be on a level playing field with theirs and they want what is good for you and are talking acting in a way that you can see that for yourself or it comes/grows in you. im not sure what levels of self esteem your partner brings, but i still don't know whether he is enough for you.

 

 

so i would take a break, a week, 2 weeks a month till the summer whatever and see how you grow, see how you cope see how you can get out and about with friends or meet new people and see how much fun has been cut off from you.

 

 

the way you are (i mean you as in the way we all are is important to who we really are) you like fun, impulsiveness at times, adventure and i think the crush offers you a window in the kind of person i think you would be better suited with (BUT THEY NEED TO BE SINGLE, THEY NEED TO LIKE AND RESPECT YOU AND LOVE YOU AND THEY NEED TO BE COMPATIBLE AND WILLING TO GIVE AS WELL AS TAKE FROM YOU AND GIVE TO YOU AND GIVE THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU!)

 

 

i think your current partner sounds a bit dogged by what is expected of a relationship and is following your life and his like some kind of textbook!!!!! intelligence isn't all that is needed for a relationship, where is the maturity and capability, im not seeing this from either of the men that have crossed your path.

 

 

i think the fact that this guy was your first serious relationship has a lot to do with it, and ive said it before there are not that many people in life that meet someone first time and that's it,some do and that's great for them, but i think this crush has show you that there are other types of men out there and i think had this man been single and aviailable, the crush,,,,you would have gone with him and there would be no moral dialemma for us to look at!!!

 

 

also there are no guarantees of success or employment with a phd, and even if there is, you are bickering already in his study phase, if he gets some high flying job once qualified then he is also going to say i have a new job i cant let so and so down, i have a new job i need to research ..... i need to spend time with ............and .................. i must travel for work...

 

 

im not sure his goals are really compatible with you, i don't know but you sound as though some of your values are on a deeper level maybe spiritual? either way the point is that you are with someone who isn't giving you the potential to really be you you don't sound like someone who lets your soul and spirit soar...you sound like trash talk in front of a tv is getting you down, you sound like you miss him you sound like you are and have invested so much of yourself and your time into trying to make things work, explaining how someone cheating has hurt you!!!! going along with others due to some kind of expected sense of care for them...but thankfully it also sounds like you are for the first time seeing and wondering whether this is enough for you.

 

 

 

 

i don't think it is!!!!!!

 

 

but maybe you need to test it for yourself.

 

 

if you have time away, separate for a while and see what your hear is telling you, i think you will get more of the answers to this dialemma.

 

 

you have made a good start by kicking this romeo to the kerb. keep strong in that, your flirting will have been noticed at work and you don't want to spoil your reputation there as that will also damage your self esteem bit by bit and by association.

 

 

now you need to work on what a healthy relationship means, you cant change others if they are not like that or are not willing to try for themselves. if someone prefers a gentle, ambient lifestyle and all things quiet, then you are unlikely to make them want to permenantly live it up, start jumping from cliffs and looking to extreme sports...ok, that is an extreme example that isn't as simple as a situation like that might be..but you know what i am saying here.

 

 

 

 

so there you have it, that's my 2 cents for now! haha...you sound genuine in your intentions so don't go in this with small measures, you sound like you are ready to move forward (maybe with him, maybe spread your wings and learn to fly again)....but start working on yourself and the things you like that will build your esteem, get a hair cut? get fitter if your not, go walking in the sunshine, take in and enjoy the coming spring (if its spring where you are in the world) treat yourself, talk to old friends, good friends, enjoy the music.old times occasionally that you used to like, basically do anything that makes you happy, and see if you can cope, how it makes you feel to be doing fun stuff without him.

 

 

i think you will do just fine, you just have to believe it and start putting yourself kindly and first for once.

 

 

spring is about the new, new beginnings and fresh green growth!!!!!

 

 

so use it to engage with the old you the happier you, because it is still there waiting to shine again....its just you have relied on others and looked solely to them for finding happiness...when the truth is that they cannot give it to you, because they were too busy taking things for their own esteem!!!!!

 

 

 

 

GOOD LUCK AND LET US KNOW HOW YOU GET ON....:) TAKE CARE, YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK TO SORTING YOURSELF OUT AND FINDING BETTER HEALTHIER HAPPINESS!!!!! MAXI:)

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Thanks preraph I really appreciate you kind and thoughtful reply. :) You've made me feel less foolish and perhaps more forgiving of my part in all this. I definitely need more objectivity, I'm too romantic and idealistic and I definitely put my loves upon the highest pedestal.

 

Yup I was definitely naive viva, both partners know about the friendship and lunches, she even calls sometimes to chat while we're eating and I tell my partner everything we discussed, even the flirty stuff.

 

Niji, I'm not sure. I'm definitely still weighing on whether to find someone to start fresh with or allow my partner another chance. He really has been trying lately and it's kind of sweet, but maybe I'm just used to crumbs.

 

Maxi thanks so much for the vote of confidence, :) I really do aim to be a good person and this has affected my perception of relationships quite a lot. My current relationship probably isn't what I fully need but the love is still there. My partner has supported me through some difficult experiences but honestly there has always been an undertone or overt mention of resenting that emotional "burden". I cherish opportunities to uplift, suprise and support my partner, someone who acts mostly apathetic or like these things are a chore has really squashed my natural desire to express my affection in many ways. I've had to scale back just to retain some dignity and even then I'd never be able to match his level of detachment. He doesn't really have any friends that he sees outside of class and he definitely gives more of himself and his time to me than anyone other than himself. I think he's just not sentimental, and so frugal/practical that the frivolity of my infp personality is almost opposite to his hyperstructured istj. I think once I've gotten over this crush, I'll probably start the breakup process. It would be too much to lose my best friend, the person I'm in love with, and the person I love all at once. I'd have to get at least 2 new cats to fill the affection void haha :lmao::p

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