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Opening up to my best friend

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 15th February 2019, 1:41 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Opening up to my best friend

Hello, this is my first time on this website. I've been struggling with this problem for a few years now. It's recently gotten more stressful and I need an outside opinion. It's too personal for me to talk about in person so I appreciate everyone who has input or opinions for me.

One of my best friends I met a few years ago. We worked together and quickly became good friends. After a few months to a year I realized I started to have stronger feelings for him. I'm a guy also and this was the first time I'd ever had feelings like this for another guy. It was really weird and confusing for me. It seemed like we connected better than any other person I've ever met. After a while it developed into some pretty serious feelings. I was too afraid to say anything because I was nervous that I was just misreading or misinterpreting signals from him. The last thing I'd want to do is make him feel uncomfortable or lose him as a friend. We both say we're straight but we've also had some awkwardly close moments and it's like we're different people when we are together. It's like there is this strong close feeling that I'm sure he feels too although it could just be me misinterpreting this too. So I kind of just pushed the feelings down and tried to forget about it.

For almost a year now he's had his first girlfriend. I was pretty let down by this but they're both awesome together and I'm actually really happy for both of them. But I recently realized that maybe I was right about the mutual attraction. Once I realized this it brought all these feelings back and it just feels overwhelmingly like I missed my chance to be happy. I've felt like I need to tell him whats going on and try and explain these feelings to him. I also realize that he's in a relationship. I definitely know how inappropriate it would be to tell someone in a relationship all this. I just can't get past it though. I completely respect both him and his girlfriend and would never want to try and get in between them and in no way would I want to try and mess up his relationship. It's been 3 or 4 years of this and my method of shoving these feelings down or dismissing them isn't working like I convinced myself it was. If anything I just need to get it off my chest so I can finally work through it. I also can't take back anything I say so it's pretty scary.

So my questions. Is it wrong for me to confess all of this to someone in a relationship? Has anyone experienced something remotely similar to this? Is confessing all this a good or bad idea? Would you be able to forgive a friend for dumping all this on you?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this. I very much appreciate any feedback.
Missedchance is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2019, 3:49 AM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 368
I'd keep quiet

Bit of an awkward situation. Sounds like you're both quite young if he's got his first girlfriend, so I'm going to answer with that in mind, and also that you haven't actually said that you're gay. Are you confused about your sexuality at this point in your life? Are you attracted to women? Are you actually sexually attracted to him or just feel close to him? You don't sound jealous, and I think if you were you wouldn't be so generous in your view of his hetero relationship.
Years ago a close friend I'd had for several years told me that she thought she was gay, and it did end our friendship. Not because she'd told me, but because I suddenly understood why she'd behaved a certain way whenever I had a boyfriend. I thought she was jealous of me because I had a boyfriend, but I suddenly realised that she was actually jealous of the boyfriend because he had me. My decision to end the friendship wasn't about her sexuality, it was about knowing that she would always resent any partner I had and couldn't help the way she reacted. She'd been a 5 star bitch sometimes and caused trouble between me and boyfriends by guilt-tripping me into spending time with her when I really wanted to be with my guy. Later on I also came to understand that because I had sometimes bitched about guys to her and made cruel jokes about them that she may have misinterpreted this as me hating men and being in some sort of denial about my sexuality.
You don't sound like you're interfering in his relationship with his girlfriend, so I say keep it that way if you want to keep the friendship. If he is gay and your feelings are reciprocated it will come out soon enough without you exposing yourself to the emotional trauma of the friendship ending suddenly.
MsJayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st February 2019, 12:37 PM   #3
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missed chance....maybe just go for a coffee with him and ask him do you remember....or ask if he is happy with whoever it is he is seeing. you don't have to go into endless stuff about what makes him happy in the relationship but just ask if he is happy. I think you will know if you think he is telling you the truth by his reactions, as you are already good friends.

or maybe you could get a group together and go to a gay club and chat there if you get a minute. of course if you go with a group then you are going to have to be discrete if you are gay, suspect you might be or know you have closeted feelings for the same sex (or him).

but I think you ned to talk to him one way or another to find out if your feeligns will be reciprocated or not. it will save you and the girl he is with heartache and save you time if you are chasing someone who doesn't actually feel drawn to you in that way.

if you do find out he is happy with his gal, then at least you will know, so get out there anyway and maybe consider meeting someone you know who is available, single and likes you without all the subtle games or looks.

I wouldn't deliberately out yourself to this guy unless you know for 1.0000% he will react ok with you...and you cant say that for sure, he may be ok with others being gay but a bit uncomfortable with you if he knows you do like him that way as more than just like.

its not going to be an easy thing, but if he is a decent person then hopefully he will at least either guess and ask you and that might take some pressure off you, or be shocked and then come round to say hey you are still you, I don't fancy you but we can still be friends, I don't want to be a jerk. it depends on your friend and what he is like deep down as a person.

the fact that you have been feeling this way for years is not the best thing really. but you do need to deal with this one way or another because it doesn't seem to be going away for you!

having read your post again, why not look up to see what is going on at your local gay venues and if there is some kind of band, certain type of disco or club act there then why not tell him on his own that you would like to go to see what its like but you are a bit nervous of going there on your own, would he consider it?

if he says yes and its just you too, tehn you have a chance to talk to him and talk about the act, club night, band or whatever.

if he says sure and tells you near the day that his girl is coming along with her mates as they occasionally go on the gay circuit and enjoy it, see it as he is not really interested in you and don't say anything about your sexuality or feelings,

if he says what do you want to go there for, just say ive never been to a place like that and ive heard people going on about how good it is.....and id like to see for myself...then again take that as a hint he's not into you.

let us know how you get on. welcome to the shack and good luck. time has got me again, but keep your cool with this. for now he is heterosexual, but may be also in the closet. but unless you try to address this you are not going to know for sure.

take some courage, just don't throw yourself and your sexuality at him as it is far too precious to risk getting hurt or outed and then feel ashamed if you are not one of those people who feels they can or want to say here I am (and you don't have to be one of those people if inside you are not) and you don't sound like that? but maybe you are secure in yourself I don't know, what I do know is you need to tackle this for your own sanity.

and happiness.

if he's not interested anymore or never really was serious, keep him as good friend still and go and find a more compatible partner...there are many gay gals and guys out there just as hot im sure,. so go get yourself some truthful answers and be happy. ok cya. maxi
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