Changing The Status Quo

[Lodestar]

Hi Loveshack,

 

I met a girl several months ago.

 

We went out for dinner for our first date, a bit of a gamble since either it's gonna be pleasant or you run out of stuff to talk about and it degenerates into a polite but awkward affair as you go through the motions. Luckily, we got along really well and had lots to talk about. At the end of the evening she said she would "definitely" see me soon.

 

And 2 weeks later we arranged another date, this time I decided to turn up the heat and took her to a really cool event. It went really well!

 

Except I woke up to a text from her saying that she wasnt over her ex and we could continue seeing each other as friends if I wanted. My first reaction was to decline and wish her luck.

 

What I only found out later, after she took that really badly and I had to go see her that evening was that she had only had one boyfriend, her first love who only came along in her late 20s. It was now 6 months since they broke up.

 

I decided to try and be her friend, but a few weeks later my feelings had grown to the point I decided to tell her how I feel.

 

Unsurprisingly, my gut feeling was spot on and I was once again rejected. By this time already we had been seeing each other quite alot, and I had hoped she would warm up to me. Her feelings had not changed.

 

I tried again to be her friend, but was grappling with my own feelings. I was lovesick - couldn't sleep, my appetite was a mess, I was fatigued. I couldn't stop thinking about her

 

I had finally found someone who enjoys my company as much as I do hers, someone who cares about me, asks me about my day and genuinely takes an interest in me. On one hand, I wanted to spare myself the pain of watching her find someone else, but on the other, I knew that to find someone like her was so rare that it might well be worth overcoming my pride and ego by being her friend. It wasn't like i was losing anything, even though I wasnt getting what I wanted.

 

So, I soldiered on, and have had a great time with her. We cook together, watch netflix, go to markets, talk and joke for hours on end. She's really a wonderful friend to have, and it feels in some ways like a relationship, even though she's made it pretty clear that it's not. I've assured her that I'm okay with that, and I am, but deep down I know that I'm in love with her and it's at a point where I can't break off the friendship because of my selfishness and if I can't date this wonderful human being then I may as well just be there for her until she finds someone who will make her happy.

 

This is quite the predicament. I know I'm going to be heartbroken when that happens. When I can't spend time with her anymore. That day will come, but I'm determined to enjoy what I have with her while it lasts. To be a friend to her and show her my love in a way that she is comfortable with.

 

Now, the other day I invited her out to an event I knew she would love and she rejected my offer wholesale in an uncharacteristic manner. I thought "this is it, she's found someone she'd rather spend time with" and didn't react very pleasantly. We ended up arguing and it turns out that she had attended the same event last year with her ex.

 

We went out for dinner after we made peace and had a long chat about it. I'm beginning to think that I've made a mistake in getting so close to her, I feel quite vulnerable and I know one of these days I'm gonna get hurt.

 

I need to do something.

 

I need to change the status quo. I need to stir things up and take control of the situation. I don't want to be the guy who waited around for her. I love spending time with her but will be devastated when I can't, when some other guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet. We have had this conversation, where I feel vulnerable and push her away, and she begins to wonder what the point of continuing our friendship is.

 

But then, she texts me saying she is considering attending the event because she doesnt want her past relationship to dictate what she will or won't do. So that's a little progress.

 

I love her. I need advice. Do I just let it go and walk away? how do I do that without being an ******* about it? Is there any way to help her get over her ex, and preferably realize that shes got something so much better with me? Or, do I just soldier on in silence and hope for the best, appreciating her friendship and hoping for the best result for both of us?

 

L

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS!

 

Emotions that come up after breaking up are for the person to deal with. There's no good way to help them deal with it faster. Your actions of pursuing this woman are only going to lead to more mixed feeling with her and more drama for you.

 

You deserve a stable relationship. Chase this one if you want more drama. To let her know where you emotionally stand, you have to tell her you are going to walk away until she gets over her ex boyfriend and proves it. Otherwise you don't deserve to be slapped with such drama. The most powerful negotiating position is to be able to leave a deal and mean it. Be that man. She'll only respect you if you are the strongest possible version of yourself. The only way to do that is to be ABSOLUTELY stone cold against any manipulation.

[Lodestar]

Welcome to LS!

 

Emotions that come up after breaking up are for the person to deal with. There's no good way to help them deal with it faster. Your actions of pursuing this woman are only going to lead to more mixed feeling with her and more drama for you.

 

You deserve a stable relationship. Chase this one if you want more drama. To let her know where you emotionally stand, you have to tell her you are going to walk away until she gets over her ex boyfriend and proves it. Otherwise you don't deserve to be slapped with such drama. The most powerful negotiating position is to be able to leave a deal and mean it. Be that man. She'll only respect you if you are the strongest possible version of yourself. The only way to do that is to be ABSOLUTELY stone cold against any manipulation.

 

You’re right. I do deserve those things.

 

It’s just been a bit tricky because I think she’s genuinely struggling, and for someone like her I think it can take a long time to get over someone. I don’t think she’s deliberately stringing me along. And if she is then I’ve enabled it.

 

I guess I’m afraid to lose her while in reality she isn’t even mine, she’s sitting on the fence while reaping the benefits of my affection and I am being rather foolish allowing this to continue and keep denying my true feelings.

 

She is of course not blameless, but she has been honest with me. I have simply failed to act, doing what I thought was right. Trying to understand and get to know her has taught me a lot about myself, and I’ve convinced myself that it’s ok to keep hanging out with her while I’m obviously not over her, and deep down I don’t really think she will do anything if I walked out of her life which is why I haven’t done anything.

 

I don’t want to hurt her, she deserves a friend. But now I’m wondering if I’m doing more harm than good for both of us. We can’t continue like this forever.. she will get over him eventually but I guess I’m fooling myself thinking she might slowly start liking me more. She needs to decide if she wants me in her life or wants to keep pining over someone who chose to walk out of hers.