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33 year old guy here, needs guidance


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 14th February 2019, 9:35 PM   #16
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I don't see this ending well. If you aren't attracted to her now, you won't be attracted to her later. Is that fair to her? She must have pretty low self esteem to stay with someone who admits isn't attracted to her. If a man told me he had to think of someone else to get it up I'd be out the door. How would you feel if she told you she had to close her eyes and picture someone else in order to get turned on enough to have sex with you?

I think it would be extremely painful for her if you asked her to change everything about herself in order for you to become attracted to her.

I feel sorry for her. You are using her even if you don't realize it. It sounds like you love her as a friend and as a friend you should set her free so she can find someone that is attracted to her. The benefit of that is then you can go find someone you're attracted to also.
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:08 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Iíd like to think that my guy finds me physically attractive.

Iím not really interested in having sex with a man who finds me unattractive, and has to really work hard to make it happen. Thatís not appealing, at all.

I think what you have with this woman is a friendship. You are missing out on so much if you settle for a relationship that is not supposed to be a close, physically intimate relationship.

We do have a strong and powerful friendship but isn't that the foundation needed for a solid relationship.


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Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
Since you've been so honest with her about not being physically attracted to her why not work with her so that she can become more physically attractive?

There is so much a woman can do to become attractive. I work in the field of beauty and I believe 90 per cent of women or there abouts can become beautiful.

If her weight is an issue she can go to the gym. If you have to have the booty can she get implants? Also, maybe she could work with someone about learning how to enhance her appearance.

This is one time that I wish this board wasn't anonymous because I would love to take the project on of helping her learn to be attractive!

Surely she can find some help somewhere! There is so much that can be done!

I've brought up the subject of changing her diet and going the gym, not just to enhance her physical appearance but better her health. She is very apathetic to making a routine of it. She will never go to the extent for implants and Ill never ask that of her.


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Originally Posted by gradh View Post
I don't see this ending well. If you aren't attracted to her now, you won't be attracted to her later. Is that fair to her? She must have pretty low self esteem to stay with someone who admits isn't attracted to her. If a man told me he had to think of someone else to get it up I'd be out the door. How would you feel if she told you she had to close her eyes and picture someone else in order to get turned on enough to have sex with you?

I think it would be extremely painful for her if you asked her to change everything about herself in order for you to become attracted to her.

I feel sorry for her. You are using her even if you don't realize it. It sounds like you love her as a friend and as a friend you should set her free so she can find someone that is attracted to her. The benefit of that is then you can go find someone you're attracted to also.

No it's not fair to her... I get it. I believe she does have self esteem but she sticks with me because she is in love with me and I have treated her good. Your right it's messed up when you put it that way. It would bug me if she told me that she had to picture someone else and I would push myself harder to become more physically attractive. I really do feel like she is my only option, how do you get out of that feeling? I'm trying to concentrate on all the good qualities.... and she has a legion of good qualities. Why the hell does physicality have to be so important?!?! This sucks...



You make very good points, thank you. I have a lot to think about.
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Old 16th February 2019, 1:45 AM   #18
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I used implants as an example but not necessarily something she'd have to do to become attractive. There is so much that can be done aside from plastic surgery!

Even the way one walks and carries herself can be a positive or negative. Again, that's just an example. There are many things that enter into a person being attractive or not.

If she knows you're not attracted to you and isn't interested in doing anything about her appearance, that's a red flag it seems to me.
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Old 16th February 2019, 12:00 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by RandomGuy12 View Post
Perhaps my expectations are too high.... I've seeking a women who doesn't have kids, is around my age or younger (the women I'm seeing is 40), very curvy with a booty (thats what turns me on, the women Ive been seeing doesn't have any of this). A women who is financially independent and financially stable. A women who has healthy life habits, cares about her health and wellness, exercises routinely.

Do you think those are high expectations?
Well, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and I'll be honest with you.

You were a virgin until the age of 27 which means either you yourself are not very attractive, or you lack the basic ability to have an intelligent, mature conversation with a woman and/or form a connection with her. I'm sure it wasn't for religious reasons that you remained a virgin this long, it was due to lack of opportunity because you said you were considering paying an escort to get the deed done. So it's pretty much a given that you're not scoring with the women.

You have a whole wish list for the ideal woman - she must be built like a brick ****-house AND have a large butt, she has to be financially stable, no kids, and younger than you.

I'm just going to say this. There are the way things SHOULD be, and the way things ARE.

Sure, it SHOULD be that this fabulous woman should just appear on your doorstep simply because you want her to, right? But in reality, the way things ARE is that it ain't going to happen because it sounds like you're seeking out women who bring way more to the table than you do.

I'm just being honest. Some people hate the term 'league' but like it or not, the term exists for a reason. I think you're shooting for something WAY out of your league with the description above and you need to readjust your expectations to align with what you BRING to the table.

And lastly, you're acting like a spoiled little self-indulgent brat towards this 40 year old woman, with your bitterness and resentment toward her because she's not the fantasy woman you want. She hasn't been holding a gun to your head for 6 years and MAKING you stay involved with her. You're getting sex and companionship from her and she's better than nothing, so THAT'S why you continue seeing her. Because you don't have any better prospects so you stay for your own benefit. But if that fantasy woman showed up on your porch tomorrow, this poor 40 year old would be thrown to the curb so hard and so fast even her mother would feel it.

Quote:
I really do feel like she is my only option...
Yup. That's pretty much what I've been saying all along in this post.

,I honestly wish that poor woman you're seeing would find her dignity and self respect instead of clinging to someone whose let her know how unappealing and undesirable he finds her. If she had more self respect, she would have been gone long ago.

As for you, I guess you're kind of getting a taste of the same medicine you've been dishing out, because women are turning you down left and right and not finding you appealing at all. So, it's kind of a vicious cycle in a way.

You have no romantic intentions toward this poor woman and will bolt if a better deal comes along. That's shameful because you know, deep down, it's the truth.

The only thing I can recommend is that you start showing this woman the respect she deserves.
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Old 16th February 2019, 12:14 PM   #20
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This situation will only get worse. You are not attracted to her, that's not going to get better. Your resentment and bitterness are not going to get better.

Personally I wouldn't settle just to have someone. For me, being with the wrong person is much worse than being being alone.

Do you have any idea why you have a hard time connecting with other women? Maybe put some effort into seeing if there's something you can do about that.
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