Hookup buddy/ Friends with benefits is my boss and he loathes me which causes my anxi

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I recently was detained by a mental health facility because I have severe depression/anxiety and wanted my life to end.

I made a huge mistake which will cause me to lose everything.

My job which will cause me to lose everything else such as school, car, and my dogs.

 

My supervisor at work is the same age as me. He showed interest in me by finding me on an online dating app. He would always compliment me on small things. My shoes, hair, etc. I figured he was interested but I knew it wasn't a good idea so I declined. He would always show us girls he hooked up with in other countries and how he was lonely. Aside from that we had a lot in common. Like a lot. This went on for 2 months and I caved in. I finally admitted I had a crush on him but I needed him to decline me because professionally it's not good. He said he didn't want to decline me but I made him do it otherwise. I recently had a life changing experience where I became homeless. It was detrimental and he offered for me to stay at his home. I said no.

 

I eventually became desperate and went to his home to hangout. We talked and he said he wanted someone to take care of him, but have sex, but not looking for a relationship. I was a disappointed because I liked him and I wanted to date and get to know him more but I understood. We talked more and stupid me decided to go the hookup route because I wanted to be around him more. So we hooked up. I had remorse and told him no more because I'll get emotions. He was sad and asked if we can still have sex to relieve stress. I said no. I asked him he seemed like the relationship type of guy. He said he is but he's not going to date an employee and he doesn't want to get hurt again. He won't go through that.

 

Again a few days pass and stupid me wanted to be around him personally so I went to hook up with him. Like 4 times. I even invited him to hangout with my friends because he wanted more friends outside of work. I gave him some inspirational videos to make him feel better and did small things too. It ate me alive because I know this wasn't going to end well. I'm normally a very caring person and I want to make sure everyone feels good. He was going through some troubles. My emotions were bleeding into work and causing drama but not too excessive.

 

I would leave work early because everytime I looked at him I felt stupid, like a slut and like he thought I was easy/dumb. I talked to him and he is completely angry because he thinks I will go to HR on him. Which I will never do to ruin someone's reputation. I admit I tried to put blame on him by saying I wish he would've said no but I stopped and said no this isn't your fault. I put all the guilt on me. I told him I felt horrible and idk if I can do this job anymore but I'm homeless so I need this job. I caused all this I feel horrible I'm putting this stress on him. He stated that we were friends but I told him we were not friends. I thought we just hooked up and that's it because that's what he wanted so I put mentality that way and masked my feelings.

 

He got extremely hurt that I said we weren't friends. He got so angry and yelled that he liked me and had a crush on me. That he thought we were friends and that I'm the only one he opened up to. That I make him feel comfortable. I told him well i thought you only wanted a hookup situation. You don't want a relationship or to date to get to know me. We talked about this before we started this and you were on a dating site which most guys go for hook ups. He then proceeded to say he went on a dating site to find a nice girl not a slut. That I seduced him in the beginning. That he did not think I was just a piece of meat and he cared. I'm even more confused because idk what he wants.

 

He said he doesn't know what to do or what he wants because this is his first time doing this too. He doesn't know how to flirt and etc. But he puts himself as if he's experienced and showed everyone at work how he had hot chicks in different countries. Hes been in relationships but I've never been in one. So we ended the conversation to being just friends and no more hooking up. The next day everything just hit me. Life, home, not feeling like enough, feeling rejection from my supervisor, hearing that I'll be fired that I hit rock bottom. I cried on my break and called for help at a counseling center.

 

I felt like ending everything and they sent me to a hospital. Stayed there for 3 days. I called into work and they said they'll let my supervisor know but he didn't come into work. Now he absolutely loathes me, I feel horrible because I made his life worse, he thinks I'm stupid and probably more. I'm going into work to quit because I feel like a nuisance and I don't want to cause more trouble. I dug my own grave but at the same time I'm so confused by him. I won't ever do this again because it's complicated but do hookups usually go this way? A guy not knowing what they want?

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[FMW]

This was a really bad situation for several reasons. One is your own emotional vulnerability and the other because your supervisor is handing this in an immature and irresponsible way.

 

Don't spend one second feeling bad about HE feels. He's afraid you'll go to HR because he knows he messed up big time, he took advantage of his position and your vulnerability. He sounds like a complete jerk. Don't quit your job unless you have another one to go to.

 

I hope you are in continued counseling. Talk this through with someone who can help you get things straight. You need to put all your focus on healing yourself and doing what you need to do to support yourself financially.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Thank you for replying. Right now I'm couch surfing and looking for a job. But when I go into work tomorrow it's going to be a mess. Luckily I have good friends who are helping me out right now extending their home. But I don't have problems finding a job but this job is literally making me sick. My head hurts a lot and my anxiety is through the roof. They wanted to put me on medication but I don't believe in pills. I'm trying to find a counselor but I make too much money at this job to get State insurance but I don't have insurance at my job now. I'm getting help with my resume to get a new job because the one I have now Is literally causing me to freak out a lot.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Ronni_W]

sunflowerandclouds,

 

I'm sorry for everything you're going through, and wishing you better days ahead. .

 

For a low-cost or no-cost therapy option, you might try contacting the psychology department at local colleges/universities, or Google 'psychotherapy training' in your area to see if

there are any private schools. All of these require their graduating students to do (fully supervised) internships, and these intern students usually do not charge or charge far less.

 

If that does not work out, hopefully some other opportunity will come about, sooner than later.

[preraph]

Don't quit work! He sounds like he's upset and was more invested than he intended to be. You should have left him hanging about whether you'd tell HR or not, but you've said you wouldn't now. Still, I don't think he'll have the nerve to fire you.

 

Try to be mature about this and just go in and do your job.

 

He may want you to be his girlfriend now, so if you are interested, tell him that and see if anything has changed or if he just wants to "relieve stress." What a lame excuse.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

He doesn't care about me. I've learned that through other coworkers he only wants to cover his butt. He wants me to quit so he can have his job still. and I won't be a problem. Which hurts because he made it seem like we had something. He keeps threatening me stating his boss wants to fire me and he's trying to save my butt. I don't see why he's trying to save my butt when he's only trying to save himself. The work is unprofessional, I have major problems mentally and it's just not a good combination. Definitely a lesson.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Rayce]

I am so sorry that you are hurting. You should go to HR over this. I believe this would be considered sexual harassment. Your boss is not allowed to "hookup" with his employees. I am not sure you will be the one looking for a job. HR may give you a leave of absent. I am pretty sure he will be looking for a new job.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I am so sorry that you are hurting. You should go to HR over this. I believe this would be considered sexual harassment. Your boss is not allowed to "hookup" with his employees. I am not sure you will be the one looking for a job. HR may give you a leave of absent. I am pretty sure he will be looking for a new job.

 

It was consentual. I'm nervous he will put a lawsuit against me. I'm hitting but I honestly won't do that to him. I had feelings for him and he knew it. He just manipulated me really bad and I fell for it again. A desperate girl who wants love with no family. He took the opportunity and ran with it. It's my fault and his. But mentally I can't handle this.

[Rayce]

He is threating you. He is now exerting his power over you. Seems like sexual harassment to me. Consider getting some free legal advice on this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

From what you've written it sounds to me as if he would have just rug swept it and been your friend, if you'd have done the same. Then later on you mention he said he had more feelings for you than he had first thought.

 

In your place, I'd definitely continue the job and try to move on from the situation as long as he's not actively harassing you.

 

I believe he got anxious because you were in the hospital rather than being able to come to work. If he though you'd moved on from it, I'll bet he'd be able to do that, too.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

From what you've written it sounds to me as if he would have just rug swept it and been your friend, if you'd have done the same. Then later on you mention he said he had more feelings for you than he had first thought.

 

In your place, I'd definitely continue the job and try to move on from the situation as long as he's not actively harassing you.

 

I believe he got anxious because you were in the hospital rather than being able to come to work. If he though you'd moved on from it, I'll bet he'd be able to do that, too.

 

He had no idea I was in the hospital. I told him I did go to the hospital before I left for work but he didn't know I was hospitalized because he didn't come to work the next day. He told my coworker that he doesn't think this is serious and that I'm putting his job on the line. He wants me to leave so he can save himself. So I'm doing us both a favor and leaving because I'm causing too many problems. I feel horrible and I'm sure he hates my guts. Idek if his confession of liking me I'd genuine or not. It's so hard to tell because he has two sides to him. I just messed up really bad and this is my punishment I guess.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

He is threating you. He is now exerting his power over you. Seems like sexual harassment to me. Consider getting some free legal advice on this.

 

Yeah. I just hope he won't go that far.

I just want to disappear so his life will be much easier and mine can start fresh again.

[SunnyWeather]

Coming off a hospitalization, it would behoove you to take time off and apply for disability. Please reconsider the advice from the doctors about taking medication--in the short term-- to stabilize.

 

Right now you need some strong clinical support, possibly a PHP program or even a residential. Going back into that work environment is too triggering for you right now. After you have gotten some distance, you will be better prepared to go forward.

 

I wish you well.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Coming off a hospitalization, it would behoove you to take time off and apply for disability. Please reconsider the advice from the doctors about taking medication--in the short term-- to stabilize.

 

Right now you need some strong clinical support, possibly a PHP program or even a residential. Going back into that work environment is too triggering for you right now. After you have gotten some distance, you will be better prepared to go forward.

 

I wish you well.

 

 

Thank you.

I'm trying but I have bills to pay.

I'm nervous but what do you think about my boss situation?

[SunnyWeather]

Thank you.

I'm trying but I have bills to pay.

I'm nervous but what do you think about my boss situation?

 

 

you wrote, "I'm trying...". what is it you're trying? As I said in the previous post, you need to get some space from this situation and stabilize. To end up in the hospital is quite serious. Clearly, you don't have the tools manage this crisis independently. My recommendation still stands: apply for disability. Call in sick at work, and let the chips fall on that end. You may, after some time pursue a legal case, but I wouldn't get ahead of yourself right now.

 

The bills will get paid. You might need to get financial help in the interim.

 

You are not well enough right now to manage this crisis on your own. Get in touch with the doctors who treated you and ask for guidance. They should be able to assign you a case worker who can help you get into a program that can stabilize your condition.

 

I know you are focused on your boss, but this is about YOU and your mental and emotional welfare.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

you wrote, "I'm trying...". what is it you're trying? As I said in the previous post, you need to get some space from this situation and stabilize. To end up in the hospital is quite serious. Clearly, you don't have the tools manage this crisis independently. My recommendation still stands: apply for disability. Call in sick at work, and let the chips fall on that end. You may, after some time pursue a legal case, but I wouldn't get ahead of yourself right now.

 

The bills will get paid. You might need to get financial help in the interim.

 

You are not well enough right now to manage this crisis on your own. Get in touch with the doctors who treated you and ask for guidance. They should be able to assign you a case worker who can help you get into a program that can stabilize your condition.

 

I know you are focused on your boss, but this is about YOU and your mental and emotional welfare.

 

I'm trying to stabilize so I can get my bills paid. I have to pay my car note so I can get places. I'm trying mentally to be ok but like you said I need help. I can't do this on my own.

[stillafool]

He is threating you. He is now exerting his power over you. Seems like sexual harassment to me. Consider getting some free legal advice on this.

 

How is it sexual harassment from him when she said earlier she convinced him to hook up with her again 4 more times? Who's manipulating who here?

 

OP, if your job is making you sick you don't have to go back to quit. You can quit by phone.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

How is it sexual harassment from him when she said earlier she convinced him to hook up with her again 4 more times? Who's manipulating who here?

 

OP, if your job is making you sick you don't have to go back to quit. You can quit by phone.

 

I didn't convince him to do anything.

We set up a time to meet but he was being wishy washy about that. I asked and he asked. It was consentual. I dont believe this is sexual harassment but yeah I ended up going in person and quitting. I wanted to talk to them versus going over the phone.

[d0nnivain]

Even though it was consensual as your boss he should have said no. Now that the sex has stopped his poor treatment of you at work is due to the prior sex & that makes his conduct inappropriate. It may therefore give you rights to make a claim if the terms & conditions of your employment have changed. Do not let him bully you.

 

He cannot sue you. A subordinate cannot by definition sexually harass a boss because you don't have the power to fire him or change his work assignment.

 

Do talk to the doctors who cared for you in the hospital about whether you are well enough to go back into that stressful situation. You may need more time off. Also ask them to refer you to a social worker who may be able to help you with your living situation

 

Regardless, priority #1 has to be getting a new job ASAP.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm trying to stabilize so I can get my bills paid. I have to pay my car note so I can get places. I'm trying mentally to be ok but like you said I need help. I can't do this on my own.

 

exactly. did you call the hospital to inquire about other outpatient or inpatient care? getting a case worker to help you file for disability? it sounds like you need a real break from all this stress.

 

please reach out to family/close friends to help you with your bills. you can do it. your focus needs to be on your self care right now as you sound really fragile. staying in that nasty work environment is going to push you back over the edge.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Even though it was consensual as your boss he should have said no. Now that the sex has stopped his poor treatment of you at work is due to the prior sex & that makes his conduct inappropriate. It may therefore give you rights to make a claim if the terms & conditions of your employment have changed. Do not let him bully you.

 

He cannot sue you. A subordinate cannot by definition sexually harass a boss because you don't have the power to fire him or change his work assignment.

 

Do talk to the doctors who cared for you in the hospital about whether you are well enough to go back into that stressful situation. You may need more time off. Also ask them to refer you to a social worker who may be able to help you with your living situation

 

Regardless, priority #1 has to be getting a new job ASAP.

 

I ended up not quitting. I spoke to HR and stated I don't like my bosses management skills. They are moving me to a different department. I confronted him and spoke one on one. I told him he's very manipulative and calculating. I didn't appreciate what he did and we will not continue any type of relationship. He looked at me like he pretended to care and he apologized but that wasn't his intention. He stated that he knows I don't think he's sincere. I told him no I don't. I think he's a liar and not sincere. Ended it that way went on working my job and that's it. Felt good to say it but he doesn't care at all. Which is sad but it's whatever. Now I focus on getting a therapist and finding a new job regardless.

[Rayce]

I hope it all works out for you but in moving to a new department you may have made it easier to be fired. Our state is considered "At Will" not sure about where you are from but at will means they don't need a reason to fire you. Please consider being honest with HR and file for some disability or at the very least be able to quit with a recommendation and collect unemployment.

[d0nnivain]

. Now I focus on getting a therapist and finding a new job regardless.

 

Glad you are at least out of that department. Still you need to be out of the company. Keep your mouth shut to your co-workers in the new department, lest you make the same mistakes there as in your old department where everyone knew about you & the boss.

 

Get the people from the hospital to refer you to a good therapist or use your company's EAP program but don't go untreated much longer.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Update: I ended up hitting another low. Still haven't gotten help. I tried to go to the state to get help but they can't assist me. My friends are getting highly annoyed by me and can't keep helping me.

 

I tried talking to my boss one one one. We basically screamed and argued with each other for two hours. I was trying to figure out why he kept saying one thing and then another. He said that's how humans are, we change our minds. That the love of his life left him and that I meant nothing to him. He said I'm manipulative, hyper sensitive and puzzling. I threw myself at him for sex and declined. He says he doesn't find me attractive at all and that he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like utter trash and the lowest of low. I'm out if a job now because I can't go in to face him and I'm embarrassed. I now feel horrible because he quit the job too but he states he's leaving because he may have cancer. I feel like crap because I thought he was scared I was still employed there. He said whatever and he's done. He says it's not his fault I couldn't handle acting like an adult, he told me what he wanted and that he cares for me as a person but good luck in life. He continued to ask what did I want from him. I was stunned. I didn't know. When he yelled at me I felt like I didn't have a voice. He hit his car steering wheel and told me to get out his car. That I'm negative and I'm the only girl that's ever made him feel like this. Everyother girl didn't care and he said I cared too much. I feel horrible.

[stillafool]

If you've moved to another department why are you even talking to him. Move on it doesn't matter why or what at this point. It's over.