Seeing a soon-to-be widower

[MapleLeaf17]

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good day. I write for to ask for opinion/advice on my current situation.

I am a 30 year old woman with a stable job.

Two years ago I started taking yoga classes. The instructor was Adrian (not his real name), a 56 year old man whose wife had the kind of illness you do not recover from. I instantly felt attracted to him and over time I developed a deep affection for him, but of course never made a move. We talked a bit after class, I showed support and sympathy for his situation (I am a medical doctor), once when he was particularly down in the dumps I felt like cheering him up and I gave him a book, but nothing more.

In May 2018 (so after roughly a year since we met) he unexpectedly kissed me and started asking to see me outside classes to be together... in a physical way. I could not bring myself to refuse. It happened just once, then one of his daughters read a text on his phone meant for me and we took a break for months. I thought I had lost him.

In October he approached me again and we resumed our relationship. We spend time together after class, in hotels, whenever we can. He keeps in touch, texts, calls (I never reach to him; I let him do that first).

 

Here's the tricky part. My feelings for him are strong and I am willing to be patient and deal with the mess the inevitable and soon to happen death of his wife will bring; I want to help him, support him (without anyone knowing, of course) and see if there is a possibility for us; I am not asking anything of him. He says he likes me, that he feels a connection but that we can never be together, chiefly because of age. I say I do not care but he keeps repeating that. In the meantime he arranges things to meet me, keeps texting and calling etc.

 

I do not want to leave him. I want to believe there is a chance.

 

Opinions? Advice?

Thank you kindly.

[basil67]

I tend to agree with him about the age thing. You're so young with the world at your feet and he's.....well he's in my age group. I expect that he's loving the feelings of being with you. And I'm sure he loves your company. But long term, is it really sustainable?

 

Do you want children some day?

[MapleLeaf17]

No, I never thought about that. I never really felt like I wanted children and as my life proceeds this thing has not changed, so it's not among my goals.

[FMW]

Him saying you "can never be together, chiefly because of age", is something to pay attention to.

 

I would recommend not getting too invested in the idea that your relationship will grow beyond what it is now. It may, of course there is a chance. But never disregard someone telling you right up front (and repeating it) that it won't work.

[elaine567]

If we forget the dying wife, he is just another older married guy cheating with a younger woman.

Do not forget that.

He has told you he really sees no future for you as a couple, maybe you need to listen.

He soon dumped you when he thought his little affair would be discovered...

Too many OW, write love stories in their head around affairs, which to many men are a just a bit of fun or a sexual fix.

 

What is actually wrong with his wife?

Is she really on death's door or is that just a story to hook you in?

MM are capable of anything.

Be careful.

You could lose the best years of your life over this guy.

[MapleLeaf17]

I know for a fact that his wife is actually dying, so it's not a lie.

And I know maybe he was just looking for a bit of relief and I happened to be there.

The fact is that I really believe there can be something, or else I would not even have looked at him. Unfortunately, I am an all-in or all-out type of woman, non in the sense that everytime it has to be forever but if I approach someone I always make an effort for them. Using people for sex is not in my vocabulary and I always find it hard to accept that some people may actually do that.

The sensation I get from him is not that he is just plainly using me but that he's in pain and confused. Spending time with me for sure feels like a breath of fresh air in between plunging deep into his problems. I accept that for now and maybe for months there can be nothing else.

 

I would just like that he felt there's a little hope for us, too.

[elaine567]

Spend some time on the OW part of the forum and read their stories.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not crazy about the cheating because spin it any way you want but that is what it is.

 

At minimum stop talking about the future & making plans. If you can sit there & be "stress relief" for each other you can revisit the idea of defining what you are to each other 6 months after his wife actually dies, not before. Remember the daughter who found the text will know exactly who you are & she will poison his whole family against you. At that point your lover may never be strong enough to openly be with you because the price will be too high -- his whole family.

[Wallysbears]

This is a man - and a family - facing a terminal illness and you’re being selfish.

 

Even if you get together you will always be the younger woman that he was cheating on his dying wife with.

 

In all social circles and his kids, etc

 

Is that what you want for yourself?

 

And do you feel at all bad that his wife is terminal and he has a family grieving but you are shacking up with him in hotels?

 

He can’t be at all a decent man.

[Mrs._December]

Using people for sex is not in my vocabulary and I always find it hard to accept that some people may actually do that.

It may not be in YOUR vocabulary, but that doesn't mean it's not in his.

 

Ask yourself a question. Exactly WHAT does a man have to give you emotionally when his wife is dying? Have you asked yourself WHAT kind of man screws around with a woman half his wife's age while he waits for her to die? I don't care how 'sad' he might be or how 'lost' he feels or how 'confused' he is. The fact remains that he's out getting his jollies in hotels with you while his wife is literally dying. It's actually pretty ghoulish that you're basically waiting around for her to die and hoping for a future with a man old enough to be your father.

 

It's probably a good thing you're a doctor - you'll likely be 'tending' to him 10 or 15 years from now if you get your 'man.' Is that what you pictured for yourself when you're 45 years old? Being a nursemaid to a man in his mid-70's?

 

Right now, you're a very selfish diversion for him. When his wife actually dies and reality sets back in for him, he's going to look at you with utter horror when he has to face the hideous choices he made during this time.

 

Elaine was right - go spend some time reading the OW support board. I've seen many stories over the years where a cheating man had an affair while his wife was dying and once she died, he couldn't bear to even look at the OW because his shame and disgust with himself and what they'd done was too great to bear.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Mrs._December

[MapleLeaf17]

Ouch... pretty harsh replies.

 

Maybe it's not meant to be between us. I guess right now I am too in love to see that.

I sincerely hope, though, he won't look at me with "horror"; in fact, I find this particular scenario a bit extreme. Maybe he will not want to continue our romantic relationship, but we were friends before being lovers.

[anika99]

So you are really an other woman in an affair with a married man, but in this case the betrayed spouse is dying which adds an extra layer of ick, like you are doing some sort of death watch.

 

If his wife is truly dying then he may not be using only for sex, he may be using you for comfort or a brief escape from reality. The chances of your affair turning into a real life relationship after his wife's death are very slim to none. For one thing he has kids who will never accept you because they have already been alerted to his involvement with you. He will go through the stages of grief and when he comes out the other side you will just be a reminder of a painful time in his life. If he has some principles and honor he may come to regret that he cheated on his dying wife. He may not like that image of himself but you will be a reminder to him of his failings.

 

In any case it doesn't sound like he views you as someone he wants a longterm relationship with. Who knows? Maybe he has already grieved and is looking forward to being single and playing the field a little after his wife passes and that would be a wise thing for him to do. One cannot jump right from one relationship into the next. That would be very unhealthy. If he's attractive and successful there will be plenty of women available to him once his wife passes away.

[BaileyB]

When my mom passed away, I was completely unprepared for the women who began to circle within a very short time of her passing - weeks to months. Women offering “support,” began to come around... to me, they were doing nothing more than seeking their own best interest and taking advantage of a man in a very vulnerable position. As the child of the woman who died and the man who was having a difficult time coping with her loss, I found their behavior disgusting.

 

This case is different, obviously his “life” has been put on hold for years while his wife has been ill. And yet still, it doesn’t make this any less acceptable for me. He is still an older, married man having an affair with a younger woman - literally, while his wife is on her deathbed. I don’t see the attraction OP. And I’m sorry to say it, I don’t see anything particularly respectable in what you are doing either.

 

If I was you, I would tell this man to call me when he is available for a relationship, after he has settled things with his family and grieved the loss of his wife (understanding, he will likely move on quickly given the length of her illness and the time he has had to prepare).

Edited January 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

If his wife is truly dying then he may not be using only for sex, he may be using you for comfort or a brief escape from reality.

 

One cannot jump right from one relationship into the next. That would be very unhealthy.

 

That is exactly what my father did, when he entered another relationship just weeks after my mother passed. He could not cope with the grief, so he distracted himself... It was very unhealthy for him, and there were consequences to that decision that he continues to deal with today. But, as difficult as it was to deal with at the time, it was the only way he could cope with her loss.

 

Still thinking about this... In no way would I ever want to be sleeping with another woman’s husband, while she is on her deathbed. I’ve had two experiences with men who have done something similar, it’s very disturbing to me.

Edited January 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[MapleLeaf17]

I felt I was at least doing something good by allowing him to take a break from everything, but reading all of this just makes me feel ashamed and disgusting.

I guess I am bad person, too. Or a really stupid one.

I would ask the moderators to delete this thread, please.

[elaine567]

I read an article a few weeks ago written by a widow, she raised something I hadn't really thought about before.

 

She said whilst others have exes, she did not see her husband as an ex, they never fell out, there was no animosity, no falling out of love, he just died.

He will therefore always be a huge part of her life and any new loves need to be aware and accept that.

[preraph]

He knows that his children would be creeped out if he was dating someone young enough to be them. And that's a valid reason. Then they have to start wondering if he's making eyes at their friends too.

[BaileyB]

I felt I was at least doing something good by allowing him to take a break from everything, but reading all of this just makes me feel ashamed and disgusting.

I guess I am bad person, too.

 

You are not a bad person. I’m sure you are well intended.

 

I would offer two things for you to consider - he has his family and friends for support, now is the time he should lean on them. You may be well intended but by offering “support” or “distraction” you are taking him away from the place and the people he should be with, at such an important time in his life.

 

And second, although this may be his attempt to avoid dealing with the situation at home... it may be what he needs to do to cope but it does not necessarily make it a good thing.

 

I truly believe that there are some men in this world who doe not have the coping skills to deal with life’s difficult things - like the illness/death of a spouse. And really, who does... but, men in particular seem to rely on women so much, that when they lose that relationship they just don’t know how to cope... and employ some crazy and not always well received coping skills.

 

Don’t feel badly OP. But, think about this man and his family before you insert yourself into their lives at this very vulnerable time. Be very careful...

[BaileyB]

I read an article a few weeks ago written by a widow, she raised something I hadn't really thought about before.

 

She said whilst others have exes, she did not see her husband as an ex, they never fell out, there was no animosity, no falling out of love, he just died.

He will therefore always be a huge part of her life and any new loves need to be aware and accept that.

 

I know my mom had a discussion with my dad before she died. I know that she told him to move on with his life and find someone else...

 

The Counsellor said something wise to me, when I was having difficulty dealing with the fact that he moved on so quickly. She asked me “do you not think your mother would have known that he could not do this on his own? Do you think she knew he would need someone to help him...” I realized - of course she, who knew him better than anyone else - knew this. He couldn’t make a decision about what to do on a Sunday without consulting her... of course, she knew he could not cope with this life alone.

 

It still didn’t make it any easier to accept the woman with whom he chose to move on with, so soon after the loss of my mother. But, it did give me a kinder, more understanding perspective.

[Wallysbears]

I felt I was at least doing something good by allowing him to take a break from everything, but reading all of this just makes me feel ashamed and disgusting.

I guess I am bad person, too. Or a really stupid one.

I would ask the moderators to delete this thread, please.

 

You and your vagina are not “support”

 

You are a woman who deserves respect and appreciation.

 

He is t doing that

[MapleLeaf17]

For what is worth, he told me they talked about the possibility of him pursuing another woman and she told him to do it if he wanted.

I do not want to insert myself anywhere, at least by force. I would not consider making our relationship known until at least a year has passed since her death and if there are the conditions. I have my job and a full life without a man. I would like to be with him but I do not expect nor want a traditional relationship with marriage and kids. I just want to help, because I do care for him and because I would like to spend some time of my life with him.

[elaine567]

For what is worth, he told me they talked about the possibility of him pursuing another woman and she told him to do it if he wanted.

 

HE told you...

I wonder what she would say?

I doubt she told him to pursue another woman, BEFORE she was even dead...

[MapleLeaf17]

All right, I've had enough.

Moderators, please close this thread.

Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

It would cause a scandal with his kids and be a bad example to them if they saw him dating while she's dying OR immediately after. He needs a few months before seeing someone just out of respect for the rest of the family and not to create a scandal. There are multiple reasons here.

[LivingWaterPlease]

For what is worth, he told me they talked about the possibility of him pursuing another woman and she told him to do it if he wanted.

I do not want to insert myself anywhere, at least by force. I would not consider making our relationship known until at least a year has passed since her death and if there are the conditions. I have my job and a full life without a man. I would like to be with him but I do not expect nor want a traditional relationship with marriage and kids. I just want to help, because I do care for him and because I would like to spend some time of my life with him.

 

To the bolded, your relationship with him is already known in that his daughter found, by mistake, a text he wrote to you that revealed the nature of your relationship. Even if you don't think the text was explicit enough to reveal your relationship, if you get together after her mom dies I can assure you the daughter will figure it out.

 

My mom has done this twice, become involved with a man before her spouse died. In the first instance my dad was the spouse who was dying. In the second it was my stepdad. Both times were painful for me to know about, though she never realized I knew. I, and others I know of, lost a great deal of respect for her for having done this. Both times she married the man she got involved with while her spouse was dying.