HumanMachine Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I’ve been chatting to someone at work for a while now, today I bit the bullet and asked her out for lunch, to which she gladly accepted. The very first time I spoke to her she mentioned her boyfriend, but absolutely no mention since. We talk every day and have a good laugh, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to her, but if she still has a boyfriend I wouldn’t try to escalate things (get her number, go for dinner etc.). Do I just enjoy her company as I normally do, or mention her boyfriend subtly in conversation? Whilst this is a platonic meeting, hopefully my posting in here is acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 let her bring up the boyfriend situation. if she's serious with him she will definitely bring him up in conversation 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 You can mention the BF if: * you are trying to figure out if the coast is clear for you to ask her out or * you genuinely care about the BF If you are just two work colleagues having lunch stick to non personal subjects. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Good ideas. I’m going to stay clear of the bf situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jgraham11 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 No you're totally in the clear. Do you know how often I go out with female colleagues/clients for lunch? Hell for even drinks on the weekend! Granted, I have a job (financial advisor) that requires me to do things like that, but believe me it's so common to go and get lunch with colleagues regardless of the what sex they are. If anything you mentioning her boyfriend will make her probably not want to go with you. She may just look at this casually like I do. You're thinking too much I'd say. Just go have lunch and enjoy each others company/conversation Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 mention her boyfriend subtly in conversation? Absolutely not!!!! You ask her directly--like an adult-- if she's in a relationship so she can tell you directly that she's either in one or not and she can also tell you whether or not she's looking for anyone or wants to date someone she works with. Jeez!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Absolutely not!!!! You ask her directly--like an adult-- if she's in a relationship so she can tell you directly that she's either in one or not and she can also tell you whether or not she's looking for anyone or wants to date someone she works with. Jeez!!!! Thanks but I’d rather not let her know that I’m interested. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Thanks but I’d rather not let her know that I’m interested. Oh my god... no wonder the younger crowd has so many problems dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Oh my god... no wonder the younger crowd has so many problems dating. Have you ever worked in a professional environment? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 If you're interested in dating her, then tread carefully. It's a work person you'll have to be around after it crumbles, you know. That said, the easiest way to find out about that this time of year is to just say, So do you have big plans for Christmas? And then see if she brings up family or her and her bf going to her parents' house. If that question doesn't illicit any bf answers, then move right into , So do you have a lot of people to shop for this year? Still nothing, "Even though I'm a guy, I have a hard time shopping for other men." Maybe she'll say, "Oh, I know, I never know what to buy my bf. He only wants expensive electronics I can't afford." Go fishing, young man! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Have you ever worked in a professional environment? Are you lunching as colleagues or friends? If you're lunching as colleagues and your talk is all small talk, then keep it professional. If you're becoming friends and sharing thoughts and feelings and talking about interests, then talking about partners is part of that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 If career prison doesn't turn on colleagues dating, ask her on a date if lunch goes well. Her real or imaginary boyfriend is her problem, not yours. Focus on getting to know her and deciding whether or not you want to ask her on a real date. If it's a yes, do it. Don't waffle. Accept the answer with a smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 The phrase - cliche as it may be - in my generation (I am 40) was “don’t **** where you eat” What that means? People you work with daily are NOT people to date. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Yep, I always thought that way but young people in a mobile job market at nearly full employment shouldn't have to care. Give the employer the finger, or heck a group of employers the finger, and go somewhere else and make more money. I saw this in my industry as mechanics turned into technicians and were in market demand. They hit on women at their employers every day and gave the employer the finger and simply took their training that the employer paid for and went to work for a competitor if the employer fired them. Usually for more money. Reality. I never dated where I worked but heck I've been unemployed for over 30 years. Dated a few customer's employees, no problem. My skills are unique so sure they could fire me and I'd simply laugh at them. Big whoopie. Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Thanks but I’d rather not let her know that I’m interested. Oh my god... no wonder the younger crowd has so many problems dating. Have you ever worked in a professional environment? When I was a young man I was an Army NCO, while I have also been employed in State Government and Federal Government roles. Plus for several years I worked in editorial roles, in national circulation print news media as well. Although I now work for myself I still sometimes work with corporations, and government organisations. While my wife is in a government management role, so I am quite familiar with professional work environments. Yet I share kendahke's consternation. If you're interested and want an opportunity to be with her, I encourage you to be bold. The phrase - cliche as it may be - in my generation (I am 40) was “don’t **** where you eat” What that means? People you work with daily are NOT people to date. Period. That's interesting, I'm 47 and I've had no problem dating women that I have worked with. This includes my wife who I have happily been with for 22½ years (married for over 19½ years). When my wife started working for the same news media organisation, she sat a few desks away from me and we worked together. Yet that didn't stop her asking me to have lunch with her, then after a couple of weeks asking me out on a date as well. Plus at the time, neither my wife or I. Saw each other as anything other than some short term fun. At the time there were lots of ongoing sexual relationships (which led to a number of marriages) amongst staff, within the editorial floors of the media company we worked for. I've also dated two women from the Army one of whom I had an ongoing sexual relationship with. Plus I also played with another female NCO from a promotion course I was on. While I slept with another one from the Army, and we're still in touch after many years. If they're keen and you're keen, people you work with daily are fine to date. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 We’ve been talking as friends, laughing and joking everyday. She also speaks openly about her boyfriend. She’s been asking me to go to our work’s christmas party, I initially declined the invitation from my boss, so I said to her if you’d like me to come you’ll need to request that I be your plus one. She agreed. She then asked a colleague (and friend of mine) of ours if she was doing the right thing, with her boyfriend in mind. The colleague said that we were just friends so there’s no issue. My question is, why would she need to question if having me as a plus 1 was ok, if there has been no hint of our friendship escalating? For the record, I’m calm about this whole situation. She’s a lovely girl who is great to spend time with, whether we go further or not is not an interest of mine at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 We’ve been talking as friends, laughing and joking everyday. She also speaks openly about her boyfriend. She’s been asking me to go to our work’s christmas party, I initially declined the invitation from my boss, so I said to her if you’d like me to come you’ll need to request that I be your plus one. She agreed. She then asked a colleague (and friend of mine) of ours if she was doing the right thing, with her boyfriend in mind. The colleague said that we were just friends so there’s no issue. My question is, why would she need to question if having me as a plus 1 was ok, if there has been no hint of our friendship escalating? For the record, I’m calm about this whole situation. She’s a lovely girl who is great to spend time with, whether we go further or not is not an interest of mine at the moment. you two showing up together at a work xmas party is going to get the office rumor mill on high. Link to post Share on other sites
Art Anderson Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 The phrase - cliche as it may be - in my generation (I am 40) was “don’t **** where you eat” What that means? People you work with daily are NOT people to date. Period. That's what cracks me up about this thread. OP asks rhetorically "have you ever worked in a professional environment?" Then if you look down the thread, his boss had asked him if he wanted to go with her to the company party. None of us old school people call any of that professional. The boss doesn't bring someone from outside work. The girl of interest doesn't bring her boyfriend. Are they only allowed to fish within their own company for a party date? WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 That's what cracks me up about this thread. OP asks rhetorically "have you ever worked in a professional environment?" Then if you look down the thread, his boss had asked him if he wanted to go with her to the company party. I didn’t say that, old schooler Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 We had our christmas party She looked incredible, I feel like I fell for her when I saw her that night. We spoke a lot and had plenty of laughs. Our colleagues were picking up on our closeness but we couldn’t care less. Despite being very drunk I held it together and didn’t say anything controversial. One of my colleagues messaged me after the party had finished saying “she likes you” I replied “really, are you sure?” She then replied “100%”. We are going for for a ‘proper’ lunch this week (not coffee). I’m 99% sure this is all going to end in tears but my god, that 1% chance of something happening is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I am unclear. Were spouses and dates not allowed to come? Why did she not bring her dude? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 I am unclear. Were spouses and dates not allowed to come? Why did she not bring her dude? Yes you could bring whoever you liked. I think he’s at uni, but I’m not sure - didn’t ask. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I’m 99% sure this is all going to end in tears but my god, that 1% chance of something happening is worth it. life begins and ends in tears HM Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 As expected, this appears to have ended in tears. Older female colleague (with no authority, I must add) chimed in today a - “she’s got a boyfriend what you’re doing isn’t right” Fearing she got the same treatment, I asked her if she experienced the same awkwardness. “No nothing, and nothing happened so no worries”. Whole situation has got a bit sticky. I’m going to lay low for a few days and see if she instigates lunch etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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