FWB with different beliefs

[CAZ34]

I’ve been with this guy as my friend with benefit for over a year. We decided to be friends with benefits because we have different beliefs. I’m a Christian and he’s an aethist. We enjoy the time we spend together and we’ve gotten over the fact that we have different beliefs. But we also view gender roles very differently. For example if I need his help with something depending on what it is, he won’t help. I needed him once to come pick up me from a dangerous situation and he didn’t do it because he said it woudl inconvience his friends who he was with at the time. I got over that. The second time he used a derogatory term in front of me and with time I got over that. Third time I needed I’m to help me throw out a tv and he wouldn’t help me because he said I was being environmentally irresponsible. I had just had 2 surgeries back to back and thought her help but he didn’t. All these times I felt like I wasn’t a priority to him and that everyone came before me but he and I made a decision to pretty much act like bf and gf but without the title because of our beliefs. Neither one of are talking or messing with anyone else. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be intimate or affectionate in anyway with him. & he’s upset because he doesn’t understand why and he doesn’t get why I am not over it. Idk what to do, apart of me wants to continue talking to him but I don’t think it’s healthy b/c of all these things that have happened but I don’t know what else to do. I think I wanna continue talking to him because I don’t want to be alone. But at the same time can I expect a man who isn’t my man to do for me in that manner if he’s not my boyfriend? Should I stop talking to him and cut my losses or am I dreaming of something that won’t happen expecting him to be more?

[Garcon1986]

But we also view gender roles very differently. For example if I need his help with something depending on what it is, he won’t help.

 

Boyfriends resent being generalized in this way. I would sort out why he's protesting this sort of help.

 

Third time I needed I’m to help me throw out a tv and he wouldn’t help me because he said I was being environmentally irresponsible.

 

You shouldn't just throw out a TV. You should take a trip to best buy to recycle it properly, He's right on this one.

 

I had just had 2 surgeries back to back and thought her help but he didn’t.

You are right on this one, he should at least help you move it.

 

I’m at the point where I don’t want to be intimate or affectionate in anyway with him.

 

This is a serious wrench in your relationship. You however are having fights about the way you are having fights. Both of you need to own up and understand how the other feels best validated - learn each other's love languages. It sounds like you need to feel like you are heard, and he needs to feel like a provider of solutions and fixes. Both of you need to get used to that.

 

I think I wanna continue talking to him because I don’t want to be alone.

It's emotionally unhealthy to seek out a boyfriend for the sole purpose of not being alone.

 

You can potentially save this relationship if you agree to work on the communication differences in your relationship.

[elaine567]

All these times I felt like I wasn’t a priority to him and that everyone came before me

 

 

 

You are not a priority and everyone does come before you so why are you still there?

There is no future due to your beliefs so it just about sex and as you obviously want "more" then stop wasting you time.

[alphamale]

sounds to me like he has the upper hand in this relationship

[SunnyWeather]

But at the same time can I expect a man who isn’t my man to do for me in that manner if he’s not my boyfriend? Should I stop talking to him and cut my losses or am I dreaming of something that won’t happen expecting him to be more?

 

 

NO

 

if you want to stop being a booty call, then yes, "cut your losses" (whatever those may be in your mind). after all, what exactly were you 'expecting' from him?

[Mrin]

The road to Hell is paved with unspoken and unmet expectations. This is a classic case. He sees you as a FWB. Or maybe a F-buddy. You see him as your BF.

[CAZ34]

What do you mean resent being generalized?

 

Boyfriends resent being generalized in this way. I would sort out why he's protesting this sort of help.

 

 

 

You shouldn't just throw out a TV. You should take a trip to best buy to recycle it properly, He's right on this one.

 

 

You are right on this one, he should at least help you move it.

 

 

 

This is a serious wrench in your relationship. You however are having fights about the way you are having fights. Both of you need to own up and understand how the other feels best validated - learn each other's love languages. It sounds like you need to feel like you are heard, and he needs to feel like a provider of solutions and fixes. Both of you need to get used to that.

 

 

It's emotionally unhealthy to seek out a boyfriend for the sole purpose of not being alone.

 

You can potentially save this relationship if you agree to work on the communication differences in your relationship.

[CAZ34]

What do you mean?

[d0nnivain]

The sole obligation of a friend with benefits is to give you sexual release. There is no meaningful "friendship" under here. All the things he didn't want to do are things friends or BFs would do. You can't rely on him for anything other then sex. Because you don't understand that, you need to stop having sex with him & never have sex with anybody outside of a committed relationship.

[Garcon1986]

I wouldn't ding your man for gender roles, that's what I mean. The deeper issue here is that you sought out a man for FWB and then transfer it to a complete boyfriend. This is an approach that very few can succeed in, because once a man sees you as a sex source, if he didn't plan on having a complete relationship in the beginning, it's very hard to change his mind.

[5x5]

I’ve been with this guy as my friend with benefit for over a year. We decided to be friends with benefits because we have different beliefs. I’m a Christian and he’s an aethist.

 

Colour me confused.

 

I read the King James Bible when I was 9 years old, and according to the bible Christians must not have sex outside of marriage.

 

So considering that, are you sure you're really a Christian?

[basil67]

He's not your boyfriend and is keeping boundaries in place. Most of us are happy to help a friend, but you need to share out the requests a bit.

 

You needed help getting out of a dangerous situation? That friend he was with may well have been a date....and he can't bail on a date for a FWB. If the situation was that dangerous, it would have been unwise to stay there waiting for him anyway. Call a cab and get out as soon as possible. Otherwise, find a friend who didn't have prior plans to help you.

 

He used a derogatory term in front of you? "In front of" implies that it wasn't personal, so there was nothing to get over. It's more about understanding that these are his views and deciding if he's the type of person you want to be with.

 

With the TV, would he have helped you if you'd found an environmentally friendly way to dispose of it?

 

But all in all, he's not your boyfriend so don't expect him to act like one.

[central]

The sole obligation of a friend with benefits is to give you sexual release. There is no meaningful "friendship" under here. All the things he didn't want to do are things friends or BFs would do. You can't rely on him for anything other then sex. Because you don't understand that, you need to stop having sex with him & never have sex with anybody outside of a committed relationship.

 

I agree - if there is no friendship involved. In this case it appears to be a purely sex buddy relationship, not a friendship, or a very limited friendship. However, he is not very aware how his refusals to help with your needs occasionally affect the overall relationship. In other words, he's selfish and inconsiderate. You can try to explain this to him, but you have to decide if he is worth that effort, versus just dumping him and moving on. You can easily find another FWB or a bf - He probably can't.

[BluEyeL]

You seem to be confused as to what FWB means. The help and attention you expect comes from boyfriends or husbands not FWBs. He's essentially a f buddy, but you don't seem to understand that.

[kamani]

Your entire thread is not that comprehensible to me.Were you friends before you started FWB?

 

I’ve been with this guy as my friend with benefit for over a year. We decided to be friends with benefits because we have different beliefs. I’m a Christian and he’s an aethist. We enjoy the time we spend together and we’ve gotten over the fact that we have different beliefs. But we also view gender roles very differently.

 

Looks like you were friends before. If that is the fact, you are reasonable to expect support from a friend and I think he is treating you inconsiderate and sort of mean.

 

he’s upset because he doesn’t understand why and he doesn’t get why I am not over it.

 

I understand why you are upset, but you tell he is upset as well. I don't get it.

[BaileyB]

When you are friends with benefits, it shouldn’t matter what your religious beliefs are or how you differ about gender roles - outside of the bedroom.

 

It would seem that your expectations for your friends with benefits are more consistent with what to expect from a boyfriend. The truth is, he is just not that invested. If that is enough for you, you will need to change your expectations...

 

I personally, would be looking for someone to date who is invested in the relationship and generous enough to be there and help you when you need it. Good luck.

[CAZ34]

The sole obligation of a friend with benefits is to give you sexual release. There is no meaningful "friendship" under here. All the things he didn't want to do are things friends or BFs would do. You can't rely on him for anything other then sex. Because you don't understand that, you need to stop having sex with him & never have sex with anybody outside of a committed relationship.

We decided our friends with benefits would be somewhat similar to a relationship a long time ago. I understand what you’re saying but the dynamic of our relationship is definitely more than just casual sex.

[CAZ34]

Very true. It was probably a bad idea from the get go to get involved with him. Now I have to figure out how to let it go. He’s not going to make it easy. Thank you for your responses they have helped quite a deal.

[CAZ34]

Yes we were friends. But from what everyone is saying in my mind, I shouldn’t have started that with him. It was a mistake on my part.

[changingmale]

IMHO to him it is just sex and sex only. You want to be friends as well. But you stated you are a Christian but a true Christian would not have sex outside of marriage. Sorry if it offends some

[d0nnivain]

We decided our friends with benefits would be somewhat similar to a relationship a long time ago. I understand what you’re saying but the dynamic of our relationship is definitely more than just casual sex.

 

Still your expectations are out of whack.

 

One of my dear friends has a bad habit of doing this & it has cost her many relationships. She meets a new guy (or once tried to have a FWB situation), yet she expects this guy to do the same things that her BIL of 20+ years does for the family & she gets mad when the new guy doesn't do that.

 

If you really think he's awful for not helping you, then you need to let him go because he is selfish. I wouldn't be thrilled if somebody in my life refused to help in the instances you mentioned. But I also would never expect somebody who is just a sex buddy to lift a finger & in that instance it was wrong of you to ask. Perhaps when you & he discussed that the dynamic of your relationship was "more then just casual" sex this guy & you were not on the same page about what that meant.

 

When you say he's not going to make it easy to let go, what do you mean? If you tell him it's over because he was a selfish jerk, there don't seem to be many defenses to that.

[caveman621]

This is the second post I've read on Friends and Lovers today where someone was unhappy about the "relationship" with their FWB. Are you sure this is a FWB? As far as I know, FWB is for sex. So you don't really need to be compatible otherwise. It would be nice if he's not a jerk, but that's not what he's there for. If you want a relationship, maybe just call it that instead of FWB. If that's the case, then you two need to have a serious conversation.

 

A lot of people cannot separate the person from the act and I know a lot of people get emotionally attached to a FWB. IMHO, a true FWB is pretty rare because one or the other party gets emotionally attached. It's not difficult to have that happen even if it started out as a strictly physical relationship.