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I have this friend. We go to the same karaoke bar. After I break up with my boyfriend he starts messaging me and asks for my phone number. Everyday the "hello, Beautiful" messages. Asks me to go out somewhere else and when we do, he kisses me. We hung out everyday for two weeks. He told me he loves me an I'm amazing, blah blah. Got intimate a few times. Each time he would go distant. Finally tells me he isn't ready for a relationship because he isn't happy right now with himself, but doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

He also doesn't want to have sex because he actually does have morals and knows I actually do too.

The thing is, we still hang out and we still talk and text everyday. We can sit in his car for hours and just talk and listen to music. I LOVE THIS GUY!

Am I being stupid? I am settling for friends without benefits just to have him in my life. He says he does love me. He holds my hand. We have fun together. He said he isn't looking for anyone else. When he is "ready" do you think he will change our status or go somewhere else? When I suggested if we are in an open "friends only" relationship and I find someone else we can't hang out anymore. He said that makes him sad and just doesn't know what he wants. We've been seeing each other for about 8 weeks, but have known each other for about 2 years. We are both over 40.

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If you are okay to wait for him to feel good enough with himself to date you, since it seems all the positive things are there between you both for a nice relationship outside of his hesitation to actually have a realtionship...so if you want and can wait for him to catch up and want to actually date then wait but if you meet another who has the same qualities and you like then don't feel guilty about letting this go and dating the other man, because you let this man know ( I assume) you would date him now and he is one putting the brakes on, not you..so he shouldn't get to say no, and make you feel bad. You deserve love, and happiness too. How long are you wiling to wait?

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I'm not sure I should be waiting. He told me he will never get married or live with someone he's involved with. I wasn't ever looking for a relationship, but now that I have him, I want him. It's making me crazy. I found out he talks to his ex everyday too.

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Don't wait if you ever want to marry. He loves you like a friend but isn't in love with you or he would want to commit or at least have sex with you.

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He is trying to "grow up". He stays with his dad. He wants to get his own place and be responsible. He said it's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he can't focus on a relationship right now until he feels better about himself and his situation. There was a point he told me he didn't want to be just friends, but then the next day changed his mind. I'm going nuts.

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He is staying with his dad or he lives with his dad? Why— is his dad really old/ sick, does he need help? Does this guy have a job? There’s no reason for a man over 40 to be living with his dad unless he’s his caretaker in some way. Sorry!

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He lived out of state for about four years. He then was in a live-in relationship situation, then a roommate situation, and for some reason ended up living at his dad's. He sometimes has to sleep in his car somewhere because his dad's wife and he don't get along, so when she's back from Arizona he leaves. I think all of this was just recent. He does have a job, but child support takes 1/2 his earnings, so...

All of these things are why he feels like s... about himself.

Now, though, I asked him last night if he still loves his ex. He said yes, like a friend, and he talks to her everyday but they don't hang out. Then he told me it was none of my business asking these things! That's when I said that it kinda was, and is that why he doesn't love me? He said I DO love you. I told you this is about my situation. Not about you. Somehow I feel cheated on.

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[]

He's an emotional rollercoaster with me! Whenever he starts to get close he backs away. He did tell me at one point he didn't want to be just friends anymore...that he thought about it. Next day he told me he doesn't want to be more than friends nor for me to say I love him!

Now I find out, (cause I asked) if he's still hung up on the girlfriend he had two years ago. He said he loves her like a family member and talks to her everyday. She's like a sister. Then what does he need me for?

This is tearing me up. I want to be able to openly give him affection and receive it as well. I get long hello and goodbye hugs. Once in awhile he'll hold my hand if we are sitting in the car. I want to be able to say "I love you" and hear it back. It's not like I want to be married or anything, but...

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads and redact duplicate material
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Mrs._December
We've been seeing each other for about 8 weeks, but have known each other for about 2 years. We are both over 40.

I'll be honest. The minute I started reading your post, I figured you both to be barely in your 20's. This sounds like teenage angst, not grown adult issues.

 

He also doesn't want to have sex because he actually does have morals and knows I actually do too.
Isn't it a little late for him to be playing the holier than thou card when he's already had sex with you several times? That's such a load of BS. It has nothing to do with morals at all.

 

He simply sounds like he's extremely emotionally stunted and isn't capable of a real adult relationship. And whatever happened between he and his ex girlfriend is STILL a stumbling block for him which proves how emotionally crippled he really is.

 

And he lives with his father?????? Oh man.

 

Taking him on would be like taking on a science experiment. I'm sure you want to 'fix' him and actually think that the love of a good woman is all he needs to grow the hell up and start acting like a man instead of an imbalanced, emotionally stunted 17 year old. That ain't happening. We women make that mistake A LOT, thinking we can fix men. We can't.

 

You need to be realistic. If he's THIS much of a failure at 40 years old - and he is a failure, Blue - then you're wasting your time. He's underemployed and can't even afford to live on his own and has to live with his father, for starters. Further, like a disobedient teenage punk, he sometimes has to sleep in his car because he can't show his father's wife the respect she DESERVES while he's sponging off them. Whether you like it or not, he's living with them because he can't afford to get his own place, so he's sponging off them even if he is paying some small token amount of rent. Trust me - he needs THEM a hell of a lot more than they need him.

 

I can almost predict where this is going. Eventually, you'll be encouraging him to move into your place because life at his father's house has become so unbearable for the poor victim, and you can't stand thinking of him sleeping in his car like a teenage kid because he's incapable of acting like a respectful ADULT in his father's house, and living with you will give him a leg up financially, and blah blah blah.

 

Don't take on this science experiment. Surely there are grown, mature, responsible men you can date? This emotionally crippled man-child is NONE of these things.

Edited by Mrs._December
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At 40 you need to take him at his word that he'll never live with somebody or marry. So if you want either of those he's not your guy. It also stands to reason that if he's using "I need to find myself" or "I'm not happy with myself now" as an excuse he's basically emotionally unavailable & will never be able to have the kind of relationship you want.

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No, don't wait for him. This guy could very well have erectile dysfunction and just be keeping women at arm's length or be gay or, even worse, mean exactly what he said, that he doesn't want a relationship. Of course, I never heard of a guy who didn't want a relationship who wasn't down for just sex, so I suspect there's more to him than "good morals."

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Update: I texted him today and told him it's time for me to get off the emotional rollercoaster and I value myself far too much to wait around for him to make up his mind as to what he's doing. I said I will continue to answer texts or calls on an occasional basis, say hi if I see him out and about, but am not going to see him on a one on one basis anymore. He texted back that it makes him sad that I don't want to be friends anymore and I just twist things that he says.

Gonna be hard to fill in the blanks, but it CAN be done! Thank you, everyone.

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I don't know how you can twist I don't want to be in a relationship. But anyway, if he didn't mean it, that was the perfect time for him to declare otherwise and he didn't and instead accused you of twisting his words.

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Supposedly the words I twisted is when I asked him flat out if he still was hung up on an ex from two years ago. He said he was still friends with her, still talks to her everyday and still loves her "as a friend". I told him that's enough info for me to jump off, because who's to say this wasn't a recent new communication and that's why he "friend zoned" me after declaring his love for me, etc. I told him I wasn't going to wait around and be the consolation prize if he had hopes of getting back with her and it went south. He never denied any of that. Just said I only hear what I want to hear and twist his words and that I'm insecure... I told him no, I'm not insecure. When he talks to me and treats me badly it makes me feel bad. That's why I'm out.

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I can almost predict where this is going. Eventually, you'll be encouraging him to move into your place because life at his father's house has become so unbearable for the poor victim, and you can't stand thinking of him sleeping in his car like a teenage kid because he's incapable of acting like a respectful ADULT in his father's house, and living with you will give him a leg up financially, and blah blah blah.

 

I could not agree more with this above! 1/2 his income goes to child support? Poor baby! Tell him to grow up and find a place of his own. And not his car. Do NOT ask him to move in with you. That has disaster written all over it. You want a guy who can support himself.

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Looks like his dad’s wife is on his way back from AZ and he is back in his car. I didn’t offer shelter. And it’s freaking cold outside! He called me and small talk. That’s all I’ll give him anymore.

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