Loving two women who are BFFs

[Bob_Dole]

So the background to this.

A few years back I met a couple of ladies who were travelling around Australia. I initially assumed they were a couple, but nothing like that. They have just been friends since childhood, and after various relationship breakdowns they ended up as flatmates again, and then decided to embark on their grand tour. Anyway we sort of hit it off, and when they contacted me again, I decided "what the heck" and flew to where they were and became the tour-guide/mechanic for the rest of the trip. Truly had the best time ever.

 

 

Now at one point, they suggested (rather strongly) that I should stop beating around the bush and chose one of them to partner up with, because they both wanted that relationship so I had to choose. I wish I could say that I was strong and wise, but I wasn't. It didn't go well, so we agreed to back right off, and I'd say that over time we managed to get things back on an even keel.

 

fast forward a bit and they have returned semi-permanently to Aus, and we have been sharing a house for just over a year now. And for the most part its great. They have dated, and usually when they do me and the one not dating sink, drink wine, and make bad jokes about the date.

I nolonger date, for the simple, inescapable reason, that I am head over heels in love with both of them. We do everything together, and I can nolonger imagine my life without them. I'd like to be able to say that I think of one or both as Sisters, but that would be a lie. We're all around the same age and none of us is a supermodel anymore, but they are both beautiful inside and out.

 

 

It's been awkward, because I am jealous when they date, and I'm also horny as a rabbit.

What has become precipitous is that they are both talking seriously about the need to settle down and have a family.

One of them was dating semi-seriously for a while, to the extent that we were doing things as a foursome and I was getting in many ways closer to the other, so it was just like we were two ordinary couples. Whilst I was on the one hand jealous, I also hoped it would work out because I believed there would then be a clear path forward. Well it didn't.

 

So as you can probably guess, my thoughts have turned very much towards having my cake and eating both pieces.

Depending on the mood I'm in, my thoughts go from buying two diamond rings and getting down on both knees, to more base ideas.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

With consenting humans, anything can work. Polygamy has a marked place in human history, though in some parts the women were more property than free. Times are different now.

 

Is Polygamy legal where you'll be getting married?

[elaine567]

Now at one point, they suggested (rather strongly) that I should stop beating around the bush and chose one of them to partner up with, because they both wanted that relationship so I had to choose. I wish I could say that I was strong and wise, but I wasn't. It didn't go well, so we agreed to back right off, and I'd say that over time we managed to get things back on an even keel.

 

One of them was dating semi-seriously for a while, to the extent that we were doing things as a foursome and I was getting in many ways closer to the other, so it was just like we were two ordinary couples. Whilst I was on the one hand jealous, I also hoped it would work out because I believed there would then be a clear path forward. Well it didn't.

 

 

^^^ Have you "dated" the same girl twice or have you "dated" them both?

[BettyDraper]

Polygamy won't work if you're the jealous type.

[Chilli]

Well l just loved the 2 rings on both knees, l gotta see that That's what l call stuck between two soft places , sorry couldn't resist.

 

Maybe you can talk it over with them ?

Never know , if ya really wanna go there they might be interested.

 

Let us know what happens eh.

[Bob_Dole]

^^^ Have you "dated" the same girl twice or have you "dated" them both?

Ok, let's call them Anne and Betty.

Anne is a little more outgoing & adventurous (As in she'll be the one to suggest skydiving) Betty is more your smouldering type.

I slept with Anne when we were traveling, and Betty was unhappy, not so much jealous as feeling excluded. So we stopped, Anne was fairly easygoing about the whole thing, and eventually things got back to normal.

Both have dated, but Anne moreso.

It was Anne who was semi serious with someone else, and Betty and I got closer. We didn't sleep together (unless you count dozing off drunk on the couch.) Betty is much more a "mate for life" type and I wanted to know for certain before we went down that path. Funnily enough she is the one who is a little BC.

 

 

I'm not sure how to go about this, but I am seriously thinking of asking B to marry me. I love her to bits, I'm confident she will say yes, and we'll be very happy together. We'd just have to work on keeping A in our lives, but I wouldn't want her to feel like the weird aunty.

 

 

I can't overstate just how joined at the hip these two are. They shop together and share everything, and don't even think of it as slightly weird. I'd swear A is a cup size smaller, but that doesn't stop them. It's kind of funny when it comes to thinks like gym socks and tee shirts, because they'll wear my stuff too without a 2nd thought.

[major_merrick]

Can polygamy work? Sure! It works in my family. I'm wife #3. But jealousy issues are a problem, and modern society just doesn't understand it. The biggest challenge is getting everybody on the same page with what they want. Your two girls sound a lot like my GF#1 and GF#2 - joined at the hip and inseparable. I started out in a relationship with GF#1, but she had to bring GF#2 along for the ride. I also understand that my husband's first two wives were similar. They are still very close, but their closeness tends to make me feel like a bit of an outsider by comparison.

 

If I were you, I'd start off by asking the two of them what exactly they are looking for in a relationship, and how they feel about where things are heading. If you ended on having a poly relationship, they have to intend on it too. This thing doesn't happen by accident.

[Nilfiry]

It is never a question of can it work but will it work, and that depends on who you are dealing with. Usually, it is more difficult when you [try to] make a new addition to a pre-existing relationship, but when you are trying to chase after two hares that also happen to be running close to each other--well then, you, my friend, have a major advantage. It is one thing to get a person to accept someone new, but another when everyone is already close to each other. If it does not break, it is solid gold. Also, it does not even matter whether it is legal or not where you live. You just need to follow two simple rules, and you can get away with as many as you want: do not file your taxes together, and do not go around telling everyone your business.

 

I hope it works out for you. Now we just need a legalize polygamy movement. Legalize it!

 

Sadly, it also works great when you want to reject people. "I want more than one spouse," is an instant turn off for most people. lol

[elaine567]

I slept with Anne when we were traveling...

 

It was Anne who was semi serious with someone else, and Betty and I got closer. We didn't sleep together (unless you count dozing off drunk on the couch.) Betty is much more a "mate for life" type and I wanted to know for certain before we went down that path. Funnily enough she is the one who is a little BC.

 

Ok so you slept with A and it fizzled out and went no further and B is your platonic "mate", so how do you deduce either would entertain an actual relationship with you never mind, a polygamous arrangement.

You have two room-mates both looking for Mr Right elsewhere, it is not a harem.

My guess is that you have been friend-zoned.

Edited November 11, 2018 by elaine567

[Bob_Dole]

Can polygamy work? Sure! It works in my family. I'm wife #3. But jealousy issues are a problem, and modern society just doesn't understand it. The biggest challenge is getting everybody on the same page with what they want. Your two girls sound a lot like my GF#1 and GF#2 - joined at the hip and inseparable. I started out in a relationship with GF#1, but she had to bring GF#2 along for the ride. I also understand that my husband's first two wives were similar. They are still very close, but their closeness tends to make me feel like a bit of an outsider by comparison.

 

If I were you, I'd start off by asking the two of them what exactly they are looking for in a relationship, and how they feel about where things are heading. If you ended on having a poly relationship, they have to intend on it too. This thing doesn't happen by accident.

Are there any children in your relationships?

Is it one of the issues being discussed at the moment. Both want to have children, and both would like me to be the father, but with slightly different attitudes, and with some reservations allround.

It's hard to get my head around.

It is never a question of can it work but will it work, and that depends on who you are dealing with. Usually, it is more difficult when you [try to] make a new addition to a pre-existing relationship, but when you are trying to chase after two hares that also happen to be running close to each other--well then, you, my friend, have a major advantage. It is one thing to get a person to accept someone new, but another when everyone is already close to each other. If it does not break, it is solid gold. Also, it does not even matter whether it is legal or not where you live. You just need to follow two simple rules, and you can get away with as many as you want: do not file your taxes together, and do not go around telling everyone your business.

 

I hope it works out for you. Now we just need a legalize polygamy movement. Legalize it!

 

Sadly, it also works great when you want to reject people. "I want more than one spouse," is an instant turn off for most people. lol

Thank you both.

Food for thought.

 

I'm hardly the first guy to get caught between two women, and I don't think the default answer is polygamy.

The irony is that part of this is my quest for "normalcy" ie being the husband and father when having children, but obviously having two wives isn't normal. I'm also worried that fathering children with two different women will screw the kids up later on. I know we're supposed to be more accepting as a society, 2 mums, or 2 dads, all that, but being straight I always assumed that was for other people to worry about.

Also, whilst they view simultaneous pregnancies as a great adventure, I would in effect be fathering twins, that's a massive responsibility.

 

I keep vacillating over who to talk to first. My leaning and inclination is towards B. But on the other hand, if something has to be laughed off, then I'm better off talking to A.

[snowcones]

Can you legally marry more than one person in Aus?

[snowboy91]

Are there any children in your relationships?

Is it one of the issues being discussed at the moment. Both want to have children, and both would like me to be the father, but with slightly different attitudes, and with some reservations allround.

It's hard to get my head around.

 

Ok now this was a crucial bit of info. From your original post it seemed like these two girls were just friends (one of which you slept with once) that you happen to have fallen in love with. Now they want you as the father of their children? I find it a little strange that they've thought that far ahead without actually being in a relationship with you.

 

I'm hardly the first guy to get caught between two women, and I don't think the default answer is polygamy.

The irony is that part of this is my quest for "normalcy" ie being the husband and father when having children, but obviously having two wives isn't normal. I'm also worried that fathering children with two different women will screw the kids up later on. I know we're supposed to be more accepting as a society, 2 mums, or 2 dads, all that, but being straight I always assumed that was for other people to worry about.

Also, whilst they view simultaneous pregnancies as a great adventure, I would in effect be fathering twins, that's a massive responsibility.

 

Interesting statement - I'm curious as to why you see being "normal" as such a big deal? Is it a fear of rejection from wider society? Is it a fear of the situation not working? Or is your main fear about how the kids turn out?

 

If we consider polygamous relationships in general, they can and do work if a lot of the general issues (jealousy etc) can be alleviated - I know of a few situations both here and IRL that have worked out. But the relationship - like any relationship - can only work if everyone consents. As soon as you add a third (or subsequent) person, it gets more complex. I think before you consider a polygamous relationship with these two, I'd ask them about the sort of relationship they would expect given they told you they want you to father their children.

 

As for your concern about how future children will turn out... I believe that a loving, caring environment is all that is needed, no matter how that's structured. I can see advantages of having a third carer in the house... it's really not all that different from a household where the grandparents live in the house and act as carers.

[major_merrick]

Are there any children in your relationships?

Is it one of the issues being discussed at the moment. Both want to have children, and both would like me to be the father, but with slightly different attitudes, and with some reservations allround.

It's hard to get my head around.

I'm hardly the first guy to get caught between two women, and I don't think the default answer is polygamy.

I got drawn into a poly relationship by my GF#1. In spite of being promiscuous, I had never considered that a relationship with more than one person could work. So I was in a lesbian triad for a while. Then, GF#1 drew me in further. I had stayed friends with my husband (who was then my exBF), and he had two wives. My GF#1 fell in love with his Wife #1...we joined households and I became Wife #3. So our place has six adults in one bed. Plus there's our housemate, who is a widow....but she has separate living space.

 

Yes, there are kids. Several of them. Most of ours are young, not even school-aged yet. I just gave birth to my first back in September, and it is looking like I might have an unexpected pregnancy on my hands. Our housemate's children are a little older. My husband is kind of an uncle to them.

 

I guess the point I'm drawing toward is that the whole thing sort of happened to me over time. I didn't just go out one day and decide "Wouldn't it be nice to be Wife #3..." I came to it out of a desire not to lose the people that I loved who were unable to be monogamous.

 

And yes, there's sex. Lots of it. It solves problems...it causes problems. It is fun...it is also a chore. It comes with the territory because you have multiple intimate relationships going on in a confined space. I have a high sex drive, but trying to keep up with everybody can wear me out. And there's jealousy that can go with that.

 

The biggest thing I'd say about the household that I live in is that when I married my husband I expected life to settle down. I expected that it would stop the constant changes I was experiencing. Not the case. It increased the pace of everything. I like a lot of how my life has changed, but the lack of stability in some cases drives me nuts. If you have a successful relationship with multiple people, be aware of this kind of stress.

[Bob_Dole]

Perhaps I didn't convey just how close we are, sorry. Yes, it goes much further than simply being friends and housemates.

 

As for legality. My understanding is that the government (for tax and social security purposes) will recognise multiple spouses, but that's not really a super issue. In terms of registering a marriage, no.

 

As and aside and a bit of humour, Australia only recently legalised same-gender marriage, and the ladies joked that now they could get married. 99% sure it was a joke.

 

 

As for children, it is definitely a discussion item. Nothing definite, but we're all about the same age, and of an age where thoughts turn towards the ticking of biological clocks. The ladies are not weird in any really sense, but are somewhat unconventional, and the idea of raising children together doesn't seem to phase them.

 

In any event, after much toing & froing I settled on having a good talk with "Anne," and that seems to have been the right move. In her own words "she loves me like she never thought possible and would on the one hand marry me in a heartbeat, and on the other hand she loves "Betty" more and would never marry me because it would devastate her." She also made a crack about worrying whether my testicles had shrunken because she was tied of waiting for me to propose to B.

So its on, we are scheming away, and organising the opportunity for me to propose. I feel so sick I can hardly sleep or eat, and I just pray she will say yes.

 

So ok, its a little more mainstream and conventional, but it feels so right. It's a given that "Anne" will always be a huge part of our life, and obviously in the short-term we'll all still live together.

 

Assuming B says yes, and I am both confident and fearful, we'll have plenty to discuss, including children, leaving arrangements, etc. So wait and see I guess.

[snowcones]

Anne sounds like a cool and smart chick.

[sabaton]

So the background to this.

A few years back I met a couple of ladies who were travelling around Australia. I initially assumed they were a couple, but nothing like that. They have just been friends since childhood, and after various relationship breakdowns they ended up as flatmates again, and then decided to embark on their grand tour. Anyway we sort of hit it off, and when they contacted me again, I decided "what the heck" and flew to where they were and became the tour-guide/mechanic for the rest of the trip. Truly had the best time ever.

 

Now at one point, they suggested (rather strongly) that I should stop beating around the bush and chose one of them to partner up with, because they both wanted that relationship so I had to choose. I wish I could say that I was strong and wise, but I wasn't. It didn't go well, so we agreed to back right off, and I'd say that over time we managed to get things back on an even keel.

 

fast forward a bit and they have returned semi-permanently to Aus, and we have been sharing a house for just over a year now. And for the most part its great. They have dated, and usually when they do me and the one not dating sink, drink wine, and make bad jokes about the date.

I nolonger date, for the simple, inescapable reason, that I am head over heels in love with both of them. We do everything together, and I can nolonger imagine my life without them. I'd like to be able to say that I think of one or both as Sisters, but that would be a lie. We're all around the same age and none of us is a supermodel anymore, but they are both beautiful inside and out.

 

It's been awkward, because I am jealous when they date, and I'm also horny as a rabbit.

What has become precipitous is that they are both talking seriously about the need to settle down and have a family.

One of them was dating semi-seriously for a while, to the extent that we were doing things as a foursome and I was getting in many ways closer to the other, so it was just like we were two ordinary couples. Whilst I was on the one hand jealous, I also hoped it would work out because I believed there would then be a clear path forward. Well it didn't.

 

So as you can probably guess, my thoughts have turned very much towards having my cake and eating both pieces.

Depending on the mood I'm in, my thoughts go from buying two diamond rings and getting down on both knees, to more base ideas.

 

See, that's one of the many problems with society-enforced monogamy. People get it in their heads that they can only have one partner, and that the partner they are with has to be their best friend, their personal shrink, their bodyguard, the father/mother of their kids, and to be their only source of sex, and that's hilarious.

 

Why choose between two or three women or men, when they are all attracted to each other, and instead of being with only one person for the duration of the relationship, they can, instead, have a wonderful relationship with two, three people involved in it?

 

Don't get married to either of them. Instead of wasting time and money on a ring and all that wedding and marriage nonsense - live with the two of them. Rent a house(don't buy one, if you don't have one yet) and live with those gals, and enjoy the time you have with them.

[Bob_Dole]

Bought The Ring today. Tomorrow night is The Night.

 

I've always thought it was somewhat of a conundrum, do you buy the ring first, or wait and ask what she likes. Well that's easily solved by taking her BFF shopping. Didn't even mind when they wrongly assumed we were the couple.

 

All this sneaking around has been hard. Fortunately it's her birthday later this month, so we convinced her that we had to go shopping without her to make some things a surprise.

 

Only thing I am second-guessing now, is whether to wait for her actual birthday and take the ring back and have it re-sized. The ring we borrowed to compare is larger by a couple of sizes, but A also thinks it is a lose fit.

 

 

'A' also made me buy cd's, just in case. LOL

She's also made me practice my lines on her, she is getting far too much fun out of this.

[Amethyst68]

I'm confused, if B says yes are you expecting her to give you the ok for you to have a sexual relationship with A?

 

Will you be telling her that you basically discussed your options with A and it was only after she decided she didn't want you that you decided to propose. After all it's every bride's dream to know they were the second choice from the get go.

 

If you're having sex with both A and B.does this mean B it's allowed to go out and find a second partner to level the playing field as it were? I mean if your going to be in a poly relationship can you handle the fact that B may want the same rights as you?

[preraph]

If you actually had any genuine emotion or cared about either of them, beyond wanting to have sex with both of them, you'd leave this alone because either one you date, if the other also has any feelings, it's just going to break them up as friends, and I've been through that and it's cruel. You need to date other people and take care of your rabbit problem and consider everyone's feelings and not just your own and stay out of the middle of those two. Either one of them would be foolhardy to say yes to you knowing you will always be after their best friend too.

[LoverOfDance]

Hi Op, did Betty say yes?

[Bob_Dole]

Well this all went Pear-Shaped rather quickly.

Haunted by the ghost of screwing past.

 

Just to be clear about something, well at least in my own mind. Based on our many prior conversations and relationship, once I thought this though and tried to think with my big brain, my desire was to ask 'B' to marry me. My only concern was where that left 'A' and how 'B' would feel about that. I tossed up the best approach, and in the end, I decided to clear the path with A. I still believe this was the best approach.

 

We went out to dinner, and after some machinations, A was able to leave us alone, I proposed with the ring, B said yes, and there was much crying and hugging alround. We spent that evening together, deliriously happy and affectionate, without actually getting intimate.

 

 

Things have slowly unraveled.

There are no secrets between any of us. It was no surprise to her that A was in on it, but unfortunately the full disclosure of the details of our discussions has given her the perception that she is second choice.

I hoped A would help me straighten this out, but the relationship doesn't work like that. They never fight, argue, or contradict each other. Their support for each other is 100%, so simply, by default, I'm at fault here.

Ultimately we can't get around the fact that when, given the actual choice, I chose to sleep with A. (Even though that was a few years back now)

 

As often seems to be man's fate, when I tried to explain, I dug the hole even deeper.

 

And deeper.

 

Quite distressed at this point. Don't honestly know what I'm hoping for. Feel at once both an idiot, but also unfairly misunderstood.

[elaine567]

Things have slowly unraveled.

There are no secrets between any of us. It was no surprise to her that A was in on it, but unfortunately the full disclosure of the details of our discussions has given her the perception that she is second choice.

 

 

It is hardly a perception, B WAS your second choice.

You proposed to A first and when she turned you down, you proposed to B.

[Amethyst68]

Agreed, B was second choice. You only asked her to marry you after checking A didn't want you, you then progressed with the proposal on her instructions.

 

B sounds quite perceptive. Wake up, A just doesn't want to be caught in the cross fire!

[Bob_Dole]

Today was a good day, we all the spent the day hanging out, went to the local fair/show, then the markets, took in a movie.

 

Last night we all finished up sleeping in the same bed. Nothing kinky or sexual. B will often sleep with A if she's upset. I sorta barged in and insisted on being with "my fiance" and nobody objected, and then we just kinda drifted off.

 

 

Waiting to see what the arrangements will be tonight...

 

 

But at the same time feeling torn.

I have taken on board some of the earlier comments, and am starting to wonder if maybe, this is a no-win situation.

[elaine567]

OK so what was this all about then? And why on talking to Anne did Betty feel she was second choice? Why did Anne need to essentially turn you down "in her own words" if you never asked her to marry you?

 

Why talk to Anne at all, if Betty was the girl for you?

 

In any event, after much toing & froing I settled on having a good talk with "Anne," and that seems to have been the right move. In her own words "she loves me like she never thought possible and would on the one hand marry me in a heartbeat, and on the other hand she loves "Betty" more and would never marry me because it would devastate her."

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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