SeekingJoy Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Recently divorced, been out of the dating game for over a decade. I have been training a bunch of new colleagues at work in a non-supervisory role. My relationship with one in particular has progressively increased in emotional intimacy. At first I felt pleased that he trusted and respected me, asking me for advice and direction. He seemed like he would be a good match for my friend, so I offered to set them up (they both agreed, he seemed excited). It then became obvious he enjoyed spending time with me. There began a hint of a flirtatious edge in his humor, which brought out some in mine. We would exchange a lot of nonverbal cues of pleasure, laughter, smiles, etc., and continue to be quite playful. He shared some very personal things about himself. As we learn more about each other, we find so many shared interests and passions. We started spending a lot of time together at work, sometimes late into the evening. On several occasions, he has specifically made efforts to spend more time with me, even when it conflicted with a date he had scheduled (!!). He has invited me out twice, to fun/friendly events, in somewhat awkward and hurried fashions, which I could not attend. I had assumed these invites were friendly rather than romantic. We have added each other on social media, but otherwise we have not (yet) spent time with each other outside work. We both have expressed our dislike of social media and texting, etc, so tend to have all interactions face to face. He has told me details about the dates he is going on and about his past relationships. He stressed how important physical attraction was for him but lamented that he was unable to approach women he found attractive. This of course made me feel deeply unattractive. But I am a pragmatic girl, so I roll with it. We joke about me being his wingman. I have complimented him plenty and continue to be as flirtatious, undemanding, and emotionally available as he is. I would love to spend more time with him outside of work. But I really do not know how to navigate this situation. I am not ready to date someone, but I love interacting with him and getting to know him. He knows I am grieving my (amicable, childless) divorce and did not want to hang out with male friends out of sensitivity to my ex. He will be going on a date with my friend soon, something I now deeply regret. Sometimes I feel like I am on a sitcom. This time is for me to focus on myself and develop my new identity. Is this my body trying to rebound or is this a budding, legitimate connection? How should I proceed? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Hold on ... he hasn't told you he's interested in you ... so actually I don't think he necessarily has approached you ... Which means you are not necessarily in the unattractive category of his ... And he had an easy in with you through work ... So he got around his anxiety or fear or whatever ... He might just be trying to bring up the topic of dating with you and explain some of his awkwardness. I truly doubt he was telling you that he was not attracted to you. He probably is just awkward and has figured out that telling you that ... meant logically that he might not find you attractive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 Thanks for the perspective, Lotsgoingon. I am not sure I understand your last sentence. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 He's invited you awkwardly to things. That's not something a friend does, get awkward inviting you, so I do feel he's interested in you. I think he has trouble being at ease socially and is thriving in this environment of working with you and getting to know you that way, just through repeated exposure, which makes him feel comfortable, probably gives him a chance to get to know a woman when he's normally too awkward to pursue. But now you have to see if this friend thing goes anywhere and stay out of that. And you do work with him, so if it backfires, like if he gets head over heels for you when all you wanted was a friend and maybe something more and then you have to push him away, it will get very uncomfortable at work. If he has a hard time getting women, he's not likely going to be easy to shake if he gets focused on one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 Thanks, preraph, I definitely plan to stay out of the thing with my friend. That should be no problem as I have already made clear my boundaries and what they can expect from me, to avoid getting embroiled. My coworker then made several references to a movie and joked “where we end up having an affair” ... I didn’t know the movie and assumed the “we” was him and my friend, but in hindsight I now wonder if he indeed meant me. He has made similar jokes since then but has never approached me directly about his potential interest in me. I think I am going to watch that movie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Yes, that might clarify things! Watch the movie and then you'll know what his wishful fantasy is where it all works out with no risk to himself of having to stick his neck out. You'll know if he wants the woman to do all the work and be the aggressor or something else. Let me know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 =) he said he likes to take the lead and also said he felt the one girl he was getting to know online was too pushy. But this contradicted his other disclosure about not being able to approach women he was attracted to. I know I really want someone else to take the lead in my next relationship! So, I am disinclined to chase, but happy to be absolutely clear on what I want and need. I thought I was pretty clear in the signals I was sending, but on reflection I may have communicated more than a few times that I wanted to be his friend. As in, I literally said that. And I downplayed and rejected his invites. I am starting to realize that we are both awkward. I caught a client giving us looks during two recent sessions when my coworker and I were laughing and smiling at each other. Even our client noticed something was up. And I still feel like I must be imagining or misreading things. I am guessing (hoping?) he feels the same way? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Why don't you plan an outing and invite him? You'll have your answer - on whether he says yes or no. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 =) he said he likes to take the lead and also said he felt the one girl he was getting to know online was too pushy. But this contradicted his other disclosure about not being able to approach women he was attracted to. I know I really want someone else to take the lead in my next relationship! So, I am disinclined to chase, but happy to be absolutely clear on what I want and need. I thought I was pretty clear in the signals I was sending, but on reflection I may have communicated more than a few times that I wanted to be his friend. As in, I literally said that. And I downplayed and rejected his invites. I am starting to realize that we are both awkward. I caught a client giving us looks during two recent sessions when my coworker and I were laughing and smiling at each other. Even our client noticed something was up. And I still feel like I must be imagining or misreading things. I am guessing (hoping?) he feels the same way? I think what he means that he likes to take the lead but can't approach women is he is looking for someone so meek and shy that he feels he CAN lead. He wants to feel like he's stronger. The pushy woman scared him. He probably is afraid of some woman expecting too much from him and he may be inexperienced. He may move very slow out of fear. I'm afraid he may be a kind of weak scared guy, but if you enjoy his company, go find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 Well, he hasn’t been weak or scared around me! And I have reflected that to him. I liked it when he teased me and playfully tried to beat me at a game. I think he does desire to feel more in control / in power than he is. So, I am inclined to put the ball in his court and simply tell him I want to spend time with him outside work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 SeekingJoy, One of those sentences where I left out the "not" He probably is just awkward and has figured out that telling you that ... meant logically that he might not find you attractive. Should have been: He probably is just awkward and has NOT figured out that telling you that (that he can't approach women he's attracted to) ... meant logically that he might not find you attractive. Sorry about that ... Reminds me of a time when I went up to a woman I liked and said something like, I often ask out the wrong women ... I didn't realize (until she pointed it out later) that such a statement cast doubt on my interest in her! Since I was basically asking her out, the implication of my statement is that she was one of these "wrong women" ... This woman actually confronted me later saying, "So am I one of those wrong women?" Took a direct comment to get me past my cluelessness. Of course, I thought it was obvious that I was saying I don't want to ask out inappropriate women in the future and that she was the type of person I DID want to ask out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 Since your training him he may regard you as his Superior and that may make him feel he's not in control at all or able to take the lead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 Yes, that is what worries me! He called me his informal supervisor one day and I was very quick to correct him! We don’t even have the same manager. He does see me as an expert or mentor in the work we do, though. ... which is why I think giving him the lead on activities outside of work would be a good plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 I missed your reply before, Lotsgoingon! Sorry about that. Your explanation makes sense. I still have significant doubts on whether he finds me attractive. The only real sign is that, given a choice, he still chooses to spend time with me. I told him that I enjoyed spending time with him and talking with him, but it would be better to do this outside of work. Ball is in his court now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeekingJoy Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 Just a brief update to say that things are still very much ambiguous. We have a couple events planned soon. I am trying to identify a way to express what I want (to date him) more directly. Link to post Share on other sites
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