Which one is right for me???

[Littlered_2016]

Hi all,

 

My best friend is in love with me and wants to marry me. He is 10 years older to me, is divorced with a kid in joint custody. He is financially and professionally well settled.

 

Another of my friends has asked me to marry him too. I am attracted to him, we have a lot of fun together and it feels playful and alive to be with him. He is about my age, doesn’t earn much and we both are not financially well settled yet.

 

Both of them are good men, my best friends and both want me to be happy. I am completely confused and unsure of my own feelings. I am not attracted to guy1 but we share a good relaxed bond. I am attracted to guy2 but it is very playful and light. We enjoy doing the same things too.

 

I am unable to pick either or make up my mind. The moment I pick one in my mind, I get worried about the other guy as they both are really close to me, emotionally as friends.

 

Deep down I don’t know what I feel. What is more important- attraction, money, stability, fun, liking the same things, what is love when it comes to marriage? Any married people please do share what is that thing that helps you decide and keeps the marriage alive?

 

I am driving myself insane. Please help!

Edited October 11, 2018 by Littlered_2016
Spelling mistake

[stillafool]

If you don't know which one you should marry then you should not marry either one. Wait until you know you are in love with a man before you entertain marriage.

[caveman621]

I'm not trying to be a jerk. Truly trying to help. But if you have to ask a forum to help you pick between two guys, you're not ready to marry either one. I'm also wondering how old you are. There is no need to rush into marriage.

[Littlered_2016]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for replying. The reason I am asking here is to gain fresh perspective as I have overthought this and completely lost track of what I want.

 

I feel stuck and lost. Everytime I think of something and taking a stand, the other guy says something and messes my head. I am afraid of making a wro choice for me, also caught between them as they are truly my close and best friends. In the process of taking a romantic decision, I don’t want to lose our friendship. I want to get married and settle down, I am at that place emotionally and mentally. But this situation is driving me crazy!!

 

I wanted insight on what really matters in a marriage. Especially from experienced people and hence seeking inputs.

 

Littlered

[snowboy91]

Put simply, it's going to be a very long time being miserable with someone you're not attracted to. Choosing someone who is right for you is WAY more important than trying not to hurt someone - otherwise you're just letting other people run your life for you.

 

I feel there's something cultural here that is pushing you into marriage fairly quickly, and I know you say you're emotionally ready, but it sounds like you want marriage as a concept more than the person you actually want to marry. If you're married, you have to spend the rest of your life with that person, and if you're unsure in any way about the person then you're only setting yourself up for misery by rushing into it with them.

[Daniel95]

I don't understand how to men can propose marriage at the same time. Are you dating both?

 

Marriage foundation is love, which seems to be lacking in your situation.

[5x5]

To echo the others, if you can't enthusiastically choose one or the other, you would do well to turn them both down.

 

If you are determined to choose one of them, and you regard them both highly. Do Man 1 a favour and turn him down.

 

Since not being attracted to him speaks volumes, while ever marriage remains a sexual union.

 

With that being the case marrying Man 1, will see him dissapointed to have a wife who isn't all in sexually from the get go. As a consequence of that he will always know he is second fiddle, in a marital relationship where he ought to be at a minimum equal first.

 

Having covered that, I hope you have had the sense to test drive both men sexually with considerable frequency. Lest you pick a man, who is not up to the task at all.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

Just tell both of them you're not ready to marry. I don't think you should marry your best friend because you're not attracted, so it would be a long life of service. I'd rather you married the one who you have fun with, but why not wait and see if you can't both improve your financial situation first. You can tell him that. Just say, I think we both need to work on our careers and then revisit the subject. Tell the best friend you love him to death as a friend but are dating someone.

[FMW]

If you don't know who to choose then I think it's clear the answer is neither. We're talking about the rest of your life here, not whether you're in the mood for chocolate or vanilla at this particular moment.

[Littlered_2016]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks a lot for replying!!! This is exactly what I wanted- fresh perspective and someone to show me the picture from another angle.

 

I’ll answer your questions here- no, I am not dating both. I am in a relationship with the guy who is closer to my age and have fun with. But it is new and we were very good friends first. Suddenly out of the blue guy1 proposed to me and I got into a guilt cycle to turn him down.

 

I feel I am cheating on my partner even by considering the first guy’s question.

 

In a way yes, seeing all my friends getting married and having kids is kind of making me fearful and could be the reason I want to settle down too. But really, deep down, I have been ready for a while to share my life and have a companion since a couple of years now. And having met a great guy it just maybe acts as a catalyst to my dream. But yeah, I agree I love the idea of being married too.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking after looking at your replies and have come to this conclusion that I really am attracted to, in love with my partner, marriage or not. My fear of lack of enough money is scaring me as I have struggled previously with it. Thankfully, I am in a better position now, much more comfortable. But this is something I need to address deep in me and not project it into my relationship. I understand that.

 

When I think of my life, I find myself eager to share everything with my partner, we have loads of fun, support each other, and we tend to bring out the best in each other and encourage each other’s development of personality and career. I also find myself being respected a lot even when we are arguing. I guess I know what my heart wants now.

 

Like you rightly said, it is a life decision and no need to hurry. Yes I was more concerned and guilty about my best friend and how not to hurt him etc and didn’t put myself first. I can’t imagine a life without love and closeness (physical and emotional) for me and hence have turned him down hoping we can go back to being good friends. I don’t know what will happen but I definitely don’t want to take a decision out of guilt or trying to do right.

 

I can’t thank you all enough for the support!!! Thanks guys!!!

[crismero]

Maybe a little unsuitable joking, but hey you should feel lucky that you get to choose!

 

But on a serious tone - I would not suggest thinking about it from a financial angle. YOU get to decide what you as a couple will be in the future, also financially. And this works better if you really feel for the guy romantically.

 

So close your eyes and try to imagine what each of them makes you feel like. Like Millionaire Matchmaker Patti would say - think how they make you feel in the pants.

If no significant response in either of their case - leave them both out of consideration.

[Malin889]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks a lot for replying!!! This is exactly what I wanted- fresh perspective and someone to show me the picture from another angle.

 

I’ll answer your questions here- no, I am not dating both. I am in a relationship with the guy who is closer to my age and have fun with. But it is new and we were very good friends first. Suddenly out of the blue guy1 proposed to me and I got into a guilt cycle to turn him down.

 

I feel I am cheating on my partner even by considering the first guy’s question.

 

In a way yes, seeing all my friends getting married and having kids is kind of making me fearful and could be the reason I want to settle down too. But really, deep down, I have been ready for a while to share my life and have a companion since a couple of years now. And having met a great guy it just maybe acts as a catalyst to my dream. But yeah, I agree I love the idea of being married too.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking after looking at your replies and have come to this conclusion that I really am attracted to, in love with my partner, marriage or not. My fear of lack of enough money is scaring me as I have struggled previously with it. Thankfully, I am in a better position now, much more comfortable. But this is something I need to address deep in me and not project it into my relationship. I understand that.

 

When I think of my life, I find myself eager to share everything with my partner, we have loads of fun, support each other, and we tend to bring out the best in each other and encourage each other’s development of personality and career. I also find myself being respected a lot even when we are arguing. I guess I know what my heart wants now.

 

Like you rightly said, it is a life decision and no need to hurry. Yes I was more concerned and guilty about my best friend and how not to hurt him etc and didn’t put myself first. I can’t imagine a life without love and closeness (physical and emotional) for me and hence have turned him down hoping we can go back to being good friends. I don’t know what will happen but I definitely don’t want to take a decision out of guilt or trying to do right.

 

I can’t thank you all enough for the support!!! Thanks guys!!!

 

You are in a relationship with ANOTHER guy and you are asking to chose between two other guys’ marriage proposals? If we said one or the other, were you going to dump your boyfriend for one of them? #soconfused

[elaine567]

You are in a relationship with ANOTHER guy and you are asking to chose between two other guys’ marriage proposals? If we said one or the other, were you going to dump your boyfriend for one of them? #soconfused

 

 

No, she is only dating the younger guy, but it is a fairly new relationship and then the older best friend/orbiter proposed.

[maxi105]

hi little red.

 

I think if you wanted to marry these guys (either of them) you'd know and wouldn't hesitate and feel sure and very excited about it.

 

 

you are attracted to them, but attraction isn't enough on its own for marriage is it?!

 

the older guy with the children, I don't think so, the younger one...not sure about him for marriage just going on what little we know.

 

 

enjoy your time with them and if there is more that you feel and are more certain then you will know so go for it.

 

 

if you are ready for marriage and have thought about things properly and what it will mean for your life and commitment and changes to how things are etc, then talk to guy 2 and ask where he see's things going and ask about the depth of things and see if things can get more committed and responsible.

 

 

playful relationships might grate on you 4 years on. you have to know this guy is going to be capable of dealing with and talking about serious issues, challenges and standing by you in a crisis.

 

 

just give things another 6 months at least and if you meet someone new they are not right, and if you cant decide by then then find someone new.

 

 

ok. that's my thoughts on it. hope you are well. maxi.

[snowboy91]

Great to hear back from you Littlered!

 

From my perspective - guy 1 is an absolute no. It sounds like you're only considering him for his money. That's no basis for a fulfilling relationship even if you are friends to begin with. I feel it will be difficult for you to continue to be friends since he is attracted to you and you know how he truly feels, but if you're able to move past that then I can't see why you can't be friends.

 

The guy you're in a relationship with - you said he's asked you to marry him. Do you feel like he's someone you could marry? Do you think you need a bit more time? As others have said, don't think about it from a financial perspective, think about it from an emotional perspective. It sounds like you're able to support and help each other get to where you want to be in terms of your and his careers, so it sounds like you're onto a good thing.

[Stomper]

Sure, if in doubt follow the crowd, do what most young women do and rush into marriage with the wrong guy because he's "fun".

Cos that's all you need for a successful marriage right?

I wish I had $10 for every woman I know who's wasted the best years of her life on guys who were "fun"

 

From the little information we have, my advice would be NEITHER, but that depends on clarifying your feelings towards the older guy. You say he's your best friend, but you aren't attracted to him? Can you imagine yourself getting your rocks off with him? If not it would likely make for a very stale marriage. Best keep him as a friend, have your fun with the other guy, until somebody serious comes along.

 

Let me give you some actual advice.

Picture yourself where you want to be in say 10 years, and then 20 years. House, status, kids, location, etc.

Then ask yourself how each of your suitors fits into that picture?

Keep in mind that as a rule, men don't change. Guys who are fun in their 20's usually turn out to be irresponsible losers in their 40s.

 

You should also evaluate WHY these guys are proposing? If its from fear of losing you to the other, that's not a great reason. If old guy is only proposing because he thinks his clock is ticking, not a good reason either. And if fun guy is only doing it because he thinks it will make you happy and therefor indebted to him, then run, fast.