Now what?

[AliceB626]

I've been married for 17 years and he was everything to me. He moved out 6 months ago and at first, I was sad when he left but it is just best for us. We just want different things, kids are older, etc. We get along but it is amicably over.

 

As high school sweethearts, we have mostly the same friends. My best friend is his best friend and that's ok. Hubby actually encourages me to talk to best friend. Hubby knows how much friend means to me. Weird I thought, but ok. So I've been kind of hanging out with him for a little bit like we usually did, except hubby isn't there. It wasnt until a week ago that I realized this is probably crossing some lines. An emotional affair, yah probably. But everyone knows about it. His wife, my husband, other friends. It was normal. Now, I think I am just kinda naive.

 

Last time I saw him, it just felt different. I've known him longer than I have known my husband. But didn't really think relationship. He has been in a few relationships and has a kid. I asked him about child support and other stuff and told him I'll need him & the guys help me move into my apartment. He was suprised when I told him I'm moving out of our home but I don't want my husband to still control things. I want to be independent and not just a stay with him for money. I'm also working on a pretty important project and need to have a place to just unwind that isn't full of sad impending divorce memories. Then I said "I guess that's why I come here" and it was like a lightbulb went off and I just looked at him. Then I decided I should leave. It was an intense moment but nothing happened. I left wondering what he was thinking. I know he isn't happy with his wife, she had an affair and some other things a few years ago. But, they stayed together. They have their own lives, like roommates that occasionally have sex. I don't know what he's thinking but I wouldn't try to break up a marriage. I'm trying to get out of my own. Three days later he left his wife. My husband actually told me. I know they haven't been happy for years. But they're together. Then this. I'm so.....unsure. I do know I 100% don't want any relationship all with anyone right now. I'm supposed to see friend this afternoon and I truly can't wait. But what next? Do I ask why he left his wife? Do I pretend I don't know? He tells me everything but we're going to the lake with friends so it won't just be us. I don't want to do something that would ruin our friendship. He does make me happy and I just want to have fun. Is it bad to get involved? Do I have to wait a set amount of time first ???

 

Lastly, I have a terminal illness. That's only important because I know I probably don't have years and everyday I treat like my last. I really just live day by day and am blessed with a working body for now. Any day it could be over. My best friend is the only person besides my husband that understands that. Would that change your mind about things? If I didn't have a ticking time bomb in my bodyI 100000% would never consider something more than just friends.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Here's my anecdotes, both successful, though perhaps tangential...

 

ExW's best friend split up with her H after 20 years and moved in with the guy next door. Their son was 14 at the time. She was ill, though kept her disease private, even to my exW, and died four years later.

 

An older male friend of mine and his wife were best friends with another couple. His wife had cancer, her H had cancer and they were both caregiving. Was it coincidence that after both of their spouses died, I believe only six months apart, they got together and now have been married about six years? He's in his early 80's now, she late 70's. Enjoying life to the full even with some cancer battles of their own.

 

When was younger I believed in black and white rules and societal approval being the meal ticket. Then life happened. Society in general doesn't care whether you live or die. Sure, they'll pay a token condolence but the individual life is really unimportant to the machine. I saw that most markedly with my parents who both lived honorable lives of the greatest generation and how things really worked when they neared their end. We used you go off and die we don't care. That was a wakeup call.

 

IMO, if you guys want to be together, be together. Screw everyone else and their opinions. What are they going to do, use societal power to ruin your lives? Hey, let 'em try. We're seeing a lot of that today. People being who they really are, evil. Good, let 'em. You live your life for you. Sounds like your time on this rock is limited. Why supplicate to the machine when it doesn't care anyway? Think you'll die any better if you do. Nah, you'll just die. Wish I had gotten that epiphany decades ago.

 

What it boils down to is you know your M is done. Nail the coffin shut. He left his wife. What he does is outside your control. Given your apparent terminal disease, are the potential opinions of friends and co-workers and family members more important than your life? If you do want to have a relationship with him, you're long time friends, simply tell him that, matter of fact. Don't do the affair stuff. No deception. Straight up honesty. Once you both file for divorce, cool, get together plain and open. Let the tongues wag, can't stop them anyhow and they've likely been wagging for awhile already. Then go off and enjoy *your* life. Hopefully you still have many years; even if only a few, make them count.