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How to gain control?


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Hi, hoping for some advice from an outside perspective. A couple of years ago, I went for a date with a guy who I became absolutely bonkers about. Things moved super fast and we slept together on the first date, something I've never done before.

He had lots of emotional problems and insecurities, and afterwards was being generally flaky, non-commital and his behaviour was very confusing. Since then, there have been lots of ups and downs but mainly we hadn't spoken.

I eventually got over him but we bumped into each other recently. Clearly the sexual attraction was still there and we ended up in bed together again. He's once again in a very difficult time in his life (family issues, therapy, hating himself etc) so therefore is clearly emotionally unavailable. (I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, but he generally is a mess!). Despite all this, we get on really well and I've fallen for him massively. I've told him I think he's amazing. He's made it clear he can't give me a satisfying relationship and I accept that - I can't expect for him to like me when he doesn't like himself, and furthermore, I don't wanna take on his problems. But the sexual attraction is still there and despite telling myself I wouldn't, we ended up in bed together yet again. It was pretty intense. Now I'm in a tricky situation.

 

I know he's attracted to me, but doesn't want to string me along.

I want to sleep with him (even though I know I shouldn't) and have accepted that he can't give me a relationship and I don't want him to think I want one. Shall I just tell him this or should I just cut him out of my life complelely?

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Why should you deprive yourself of good sex if he's willing to give it to you. Just say you are OK with FWB but make darn sure you are. Given how fast you got attached & reattached I think you are playing with fire here & you are going to get hurt through no fault of his. You already KNOW he can't be who you want; are you really sure you want to do this? It's not in your best interests.

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Agree with D0novan. If you're OK with a FWB situation, that's fine. A lot of people aren't.

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You're not going to stop having sex with him and have accepted it isn't going any further so I would say you are already FWBs. Enjoy.

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Thanks all. Due to the fact that it's pretty easy to get him into bed, I guess the ball is in my court really. I just need to decide if it's worth my while.

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Thanks all. Due to the fact that it's pretty easy to get him into bed, I guess the ball is in my court really. I just need to decide if it's worth my while.

 

I think the key for you is to decide whether you can go to bed with him yet not fall in love with him. This sort of FWB situation might end up in you carrying his significant baggage of emotional issues. It is not just your time what you might end up losing here.

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hmmm...hello flying cow. im not sure this thing sounds as though it will end in a way that is going to really help anyone, other than getting a quick fix sexually until the next craving hits...and even then things wont stay as they are in that way...It may fade or get more demanding/concentrated at a time when the person you have formed a sexual history with (on and off) is at a time in their life when they have so many things going on that are already pretty complicated and adding uncertain fantasies and lust to the mix when you don't feel he is ready or you don't feel it is right in your heart, im not sure that is the best thing for him right now.

 

there is obviously a lot more to this and his situation than we know

as you haven't spoken to him properly about things, and because you have feelings for him as attraction or sexual or both, without him returning things in the same way without the emotional freedom you have more than him it is a partially not that much more than a built up fantasy that is getting played without that much care or feeling, even if it is an enjoyable, potential one that might go somewhere...but im not sure it is a long term anything really.

 

sure I get that whole point of fwb, but this doenst sound equal somehow or that strings are not actually attatching...whether you are aware of this or not.

 

I think even from the start of this he has in his own way tried to tell you that this isn't really right for him, (physically him feeling awkward/flaky and him actually telling you!!!!!) and it sounds like its not really something that he is really ready for or can commit too (or knows is going to be that helpful, but probably enjoys the quick fix...).

 

i also wonder whether this is more about your lust and attraction to him that is driving things, you had sex on the first date, im not knocking you down in that in the post as it is, but it has obviously stayed with you as it wanst something you usually do, so maybe its the feelings that you maybe enjoyed but weren't expecting that are driving this, rather than looking at where he is now or maybe what he wants or needs in all of this...what he really needs and will help him move forward mentally and start to get him self back to where he was when things were better for him.

 

will sex on and off whenever be good for him amongst all that is going on?

 

would it be fair either to just consider cutting him off!!!! again, I don't think that is the best thing for someone you say is a friend and you know is going thorugh a lot right now!!!!...how would you feel if you were going through a lot and someone cut you off just like that?

 

not even a fwb or an enemy (depending on the seriousness of the act) deserves that...its always better to talk things over even if you don't want to be around someone...its just humane, more mature and of course fairer for the other person.

 

maybe what he needs is to talk to you rather than getting mixed signals or heated affection that isn't really about wanting anything long term, if he has problems or issues with stuff then being with someone who isn't even talking that much or is more focused on attraction isn't really going to clear his head and may cause more mixed feelings and highs and lows emotionally for him and im sure that is the last thing he needs or will be good for him.

 

if you've got to sleep with someone to forget problems or you want to sleep with someone and yet aren't really communicating with them when its been on and off then it is clear that other things are going on..and security from both sides doesn't sound that great to be honest again.sorry.

 

from what little has been said here I cant help thinking you are getting more benefits than he will teh way it is going and if he isn't feeling that good about himself, then at some point im sure he may well feel used.

 

I am also feel bit uncomfortable about your thoughts about how easy it is getting him into bed its just that you just need to know if it is worth it!!!!!....that doesn't sound that caring im afraid...regardless of the fwb bit. and again there's a kind of power thing whether you realise it or not, but you do have more power emotionally as thigs are right now, so maybe also you need to step back and think how power can easily hurt others where emotions are concerned!!!!!

 

sorry if that isn't the reply you were looking for, but im sure you are a well meaning person, but I don't think this is situation is really serving him as much as it might suit you and your thoughts about him and sleeping with him. I don't mean that to sound hard or unkind, I just don't get a good feeling about what ive read and that's how it is sometimes.i think you really need to think over what is currently the situation and talk to him to find out more about him and his feelings, they sound pretty deep. fwb is a shallow thing, so already there is not emotional balance in a way.

 

if I were in your shoes and I was into fwb, I would look for another person with the sort of benefits that are not going to potentially mess with someone's head or feelings as I think it'll be more fun for you and keep him as a friend only.

 

it sounds as though what he really needs in all of this is a friend. there are plenty of good looking guys out there that im sure can offer as equal an attraction or more and yet will be able to play the fwb thing on the same level that you are currently enjoying.and you'll get more from someone on the same level.I don't think this guy is in that place from what you've said so far, and I don't know if that's fair to him in the long run from my feelings on this.

 

 

I don't get how after all the ups and downs you mainly didn't speak???... that doesn't feel like something that is emotionally that equal, serious, sorry to say it that mature!! or in parts that caring (even as a casual benefits friendship).

 

you wanted an outside perspective and in parts that's what it is...maybe just not what you were expecting.:eek:

 

maybe if you want more from this guy, you ought to speak to him and just be honest, and LISTEN to what he says....maybe there are things you don't know fully that he is going though if you haven't spoken that much.

 

as it is, im afraid I think this situation is more about what you want and enjoy over what is something that can give him stability and a bit more confidence and security in himself and how things are in his life at the moment.

 

if after talking with him about everything you then decided that you don't think this really can work In a satisfying fwb way (for BOTH of you), then have the fairness to tell him that and explain why, leave him knowing what you feel in a kind fair way....its unfair to just cut someone off and run just because you are not getting what you want or the fantasy has moved on but they don't know that from you!!!!.

 

..at the end of the day he is a real person with real feelings, a fwb thing isn't a guarantee that people wont get hurt...and this guy sounds as though he doesn't need another complicated fragile, frail uncertainty that is also going to add to his already complicated and trying personal life.

 

ok, I do wish you well with this one (even if it doesn't sound like I am wishing you well...I am).

 

...what I am saying more to you is im not sure your target for this situation is the right guy or the right time in his life for all of this: and I think maybe in your heart from what you've already said, there is a part of you that isn't that comfortable with parts of this, and it reads like this is pure lust talking and maybe a bit of obession for how thigs have gone visually and sexually and that doesn't sound that healthy in this particular situation.

 

if you wanted more with this guy I might feel diffrerntly and feel more hopeful in my reply to you, but to be honest with you, some relationships are going to bring more quality than others, and im not sure where the quality will come from when he has so much more that he needs in the bigger picture to help him, that can give him a more genuine sense of wellbeing other than sex that by its title isn't really wanting any for of attachment...I feel this guy needs an attatchment….but not sexual without a deeper meaning.maybe I am wrong here...but it doenst sound like you really know this guy that that well...and you can know someone for years and still not really know them.

 

 

whatever you do...do it kindly and honestly (and include him in your thoughts otherwise you will hurt him and add to his situation)! good luck. maxi...:eek:

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