Missy Love Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 (edited) I had become close friends with a man who I met through some friends at work. At first we would just see each other at friends' gatherings, and I could tell that we were both drawn to one another. He would always come up and talk to me, flirt, and we ended up exchanging numbers. We began to communicate more frequently, and he would share personal things with me, like he trusted me. It seemed like he had feelings for me. However, I could tell that something was holding him back in terms of really pursuing it romantically. There was even a period where it seemed like he was avoiding me altogether when we saw each other, after we exchanged contact information, but then would always end up coming over to talk to me anyways. It almost felt like he wanted to test the waters with me and that he liked me and enjoyed flirting, but he wasn't going to take a step to move things forward. Nothing crossed the line by any means, but I felt like I was getting just enough from him to get my hopes up. I developed romantic feelings for him and ended up telling him so. He responded by saying that he would be interested in exploring it with time, but he was nervous about it, didn't want to get hurt. A few weeks had passed, and I hadn't really heard much from him, so I figured he got scared or that we would just be friends. I then learned through a friend that he had been seeing someone, and now has a girlfriend. Why wouldn't he have just mentioned he was seeing someone already when I told him I had feelings for him? I would've just backed off entirely or kept it completely platonic. Why did he flirt with me if he was already involved with someone else? Edited July 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 It's hard to comment without knowing the exact time lines for both of you. It could be that he wasn't serious with her when he was flirting with you. There is also the thing that flirting can be done for a bit of fun and have no underlying goal or intent. Sometimes it's nice to flirt just for the sake of flirting. Never mind, onwards and upwards. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 He was keeping you as a backup plan. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 I agree with Basil that he enjoyed the flirting but knew all along it probably wasn't going anywhere because of the other girl. Oh well, next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 (edited) Looking back on it, it's not like he did anything to actively pursue it. I felt like I was getting just enough to get hooked, with occasional flirty text messages and flirting in person. It was more me trying to move things along, I guess. He did mention that he was single though. He definitely wasn't pushing me away, was responsive, and would engage in flirting. It just got my hopes up is all. I haven't heard much from him, other than him adding me on Facebook about a week ago. It just seems like he could've mentioned there was someone else which he was interested instead of saying that there might be possibility with me down the road. The girl he was seeing actually did come to one of our friends' gatherings once, and he didn't introduce us or act like anything was different. He mentioned she was a friend, but still talked to me too. Edited July 9, 2018 by Missy Love Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 It may have been that he was moving at a similar pace with you both initially; then things accelerated with her. That was when you sensed him avoiding you. He hoped that distance would keep you from making any announcements that you liked him. Then he felt awkward & didn't know what to say so he botched it. Now you know there is someone else. Just keep your distance from him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Let's see, why wouldn't a man tell a woman he already had a girlfriend? That never happens. Because he wasn't supposed to be flirting with other women because he's taken. He's lying to keep his options open in case she dumps him, but apparently he likes her best because he's not picking up on that option at this time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted July 10, 2018 Author Share Posted July 10, 2018 (edited) I guess I just thought he was a better person and so I am disappointed. He had plenty of opportunities to just nip it in the bud with me, and he didn’t have to get my number. I guess what was really surprising is that once I told him I liked him, I didn’t hear from him for weeks and then all of a sudden found out he had a girlfriend within a few weeks of me confessing my feelings, when he told me he couldn’t pursue things with me because he was afraid of getting hurt. I just feel a bit misled and embarrassed for putting myself out there. Additionally, it didn’t really seem fair to her either. It now seems awkward we were both at a gathering at the same time, and he didn’t introduce us. I don’t intend to contact him but will remain amicable since we met through friends. Edited July 10, 2018 by Missy Love Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 10, 2018 Share Posted July 10, 2018 I guess I just thought he was a better person and so I am disappointed. He had plenty of opportunities to just nip it in the bud with me, and he didn’t have to get my number. I guess what was really surprising is that once I told him I liked him, I didn’t hear from him for weeks and then all of a sudden found out he had a girlfriend within a few weeks of me confessing my feelings, when he told me he couldn’t pursue things with me because he was afraid of getting hurt. I just feel a bit misled and embarrassed for putting myself out there. Additionally, it didn’t really seem fair to her either. It now seems awkward we were both at a gathering at the same time, and he didn’t introduce us. I don’t intend to contact him but will remain amicable since we met through friends. Perhaps you're not in the USA and casual multi dating isn't a thing where you are. This could explain your confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 10, 2018 Share Posted July 10, 2018 Well, now you know he's a liar and that he wasn't worth your interest and can move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted July 20, 2018 Author Share Posted July 20, 2018 I'm sort of having a hard time letting it go. I think what it is is that I wanted more than he did, and I feel like sort of made a fool out of myself trying to pursue him. He definitely wasn't pushing me away. Also, it just bothers me that he suddenly isn't worried about getting hurt with someone else, when he gave me that as the reason why he couldn't do anything with me. I guess I just would've appreciated more honesty on his end. I must've meant nothing to him because I haven't heard from him at all and have recognized no effort or initiative, even in maintaining a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Sorry for your experience. Best lesson from that era was.... people lie, and with impunity, especially where no consequences attend. They lie to others, cheat others, use others, destroy others, and billions more exist to serve them. Individually, humans are insignificant. Yeah, I know we all think we're special. My version was married women. Yours is a guy with an apparent girlfriend. It is what it is. If he's anything like the married women I encountered, he probably has a few more on the hook too. You're stuck on him because he's attractive. That's how they can use and replace people with impunity. Learned the tricks when young and hone them throughout life. Reading your OP, I nodded my head. The guy is good. Seen plenty like him in life, just married guys who play the ladies. Why? Because they can. Another guy will come along and you'll forget this one. He's one more lesson at relationship university. They all help. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Do you know for sure that she is his girlfriend, as in exclusively dating? If you run into him ask him. Sometimes second hand information isn't exactly accurate. I'm not sure that I see where he actually lied, he just wasn't volunteering any information. As others noted, when he told you he might be interested in exploring it in time maybe he hadn't gone beyond flirtation with this other woman. Maybe he then connected a little more with her, maybe they had spent more time together than the two of you had, and he decided to take the chance on getting hurt. So ask him the next time you see him. Tell him you heard he had a girlfriend and ask why he hadn't told you when you expressed your interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted July 20, 2018 Author Share Posted July 20, 2018 (edited) I don't know for certain that it's his girlfriend, but a mutual friend said they thought so. I do know that they are at least seeing each other. I had actually met her at an event, and he just told me it was a friend and proceeded to flirt with me. I feel very confused because he actually told me earlier on that he was single. I guess I just felt misled because he told me he might be open to exploring it with me but was nervous, then I didn't hear from him for weeks, and found out he's seeing someone else. In some ways, I felt like he just left me hanging, which I think is worse than just him being direct that he decided to pursue it with someone else. I don't think I'll even have the chance to talk about any of this with him. Edited July 20, 2018 by Missy Love Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Do you think they made have been going together but were on break when he met you and that is why he said he was single? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted July 22, 2018 Author Share Posted July 22, 2018 No idea, but I think that regardless, I haven't felt much effort on his part, so whether or not it is his girlfriend, seems he lost interest. I guess I just have to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted September 26, 2018 Author Share Posted September 26, 2018 I found out that he is indeed dating this other person, and they had been dating for a while. I guess I am feeling a bit hurt all over again because it did take a lot for me to be vulnerable and put myself out there, and then the way he responded made me feel like there was hope. It would've been better if he had just been upfront with me that he was already seeing someone, and I think what hurts most is that the chose someone else over me. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 Based on how you describe it, it sounds like they were in pretty early (and probably not exclusive) stages of dating while he was still flirting with you, which is why he didn't say anything. He was probably "deciding", so to speak. And think of it this way: would you really want to be with someone who didn't want to choose you? He may not be a jerk, but he's not the right guy. Onwards and upwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 Because if things had gone just the way he imagined, he would have two women instead of one. She's not just looking for one woman. He's looking for two women who will put up with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 Well, I'm feeling a bit confused, as he contacted me out of the blue. Said he was just thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. I responded and then didn't hear back. What was the purpose in him doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Sounds to me like he had a flirty, friendly, close relationship with you, but he had no intention of taking it further romantically. As soon as you declared you feelings he went OMG, blurted out the "hurt" excuse and essentially disappeared. I guess you probably did a bit of projecting your feelings onto him whilst he just enjoyed the attention or was oblivious to how you really felt as he had already friend-zoned you. Well, I'm feeling a bit confused, as he contacted me out of the blue. Said he was just thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. I responded and then didn't hear back. What was the purpose in him doing that? NO idea. Could be any number of reasons some good some not so good. As he has gone dark again best to ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
quangdan234 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Everyone wants to be happy. No one wants to deal with pain. But you can’t have a rainbow without at least a little rain. Sometimes, you just have to fight through those bad days to reach the best days of your life. You can’t expect every day to be good, but you can find a little good in every day. Châm ngôn cuộc sống, stt hay về tình yêu, stt thất tình Link to post Share on other sites
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