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Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 14th July 2018, 4:37 PM   #61
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It’s not really like that. I’m not cheap or easy at all. He’s actually the first and only guy that I’ve slept with. He knows that too. I told him that I was a virgin.

I respect myself a lot. That’s why I’d never sleep with a man that I didn’t have feelings for. I slept with him because I wanted to. Not because he pressured or took advantage of me. That wasn’t the case at all.

Well, this supposedly amazing man cheated on his girlfriend with you and then left you in the dust after he had sex with you. You weren't just anyone. You knew him for years. That is not okay. Wanting and willing to be with a guy who did is disrespectful to yourself.

So no, I didn't say you were cheap and easy OP. I said you are teaching this guy to disrespect you because you disrespect yourself. There's a difference.

- Beach
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Last edited by Beachead; 14th July 2018 at 4:42 PM..
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Old 14th July 2018, 7:21 PM   #62
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Well, this supposedly amazing man cheated on his girlfriend with you and then left you in the dust after he had sex with you. You weren't just anyone. You knew him for years. That is not okay. Wanting and willing to be with a guy who did is disrespectful to yourself.

So no, I didn't say you were cheap and easy OP. I said you are teaching this guy to disrespect you because you disrespect yourself. There's a difference.

- Beach
I understand.

And I know it doesnít sound like it, but heís a great guy, I promise he is. I get why people always see him as an idiot but heís really not. Heís sweet, kind, very giving, loves God, loves his family, heís great with kids, always did fantastic in school, has a great job,.. I think he may have had a moment of weakness. I donít know. But I do know heís not a bad guy.
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Old 17th July 2018, 10:46 AM   #63
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So itís been a week and a half since I last heard from him. I saw him Sunday in church and although he kept looking at me, didnít even say hi.

My heart is in a thousand pieces. We had a wonderful time that night. Did he not feel it?

Iím trying to move on but itís so hard. Meanwhile.. thereís this other guy Iíve been spending time with, and at times I feel like I do like him but then there are times when I canít. I donít want to use him.
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Old 17th July 2018, 4:11 PM   #64
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So it’s been a week and a half since I last heard from him. I saw him Sunday in church and although he kept looking at me, didn’t even say hi.

My heart is in a thousand pieces. We had a wonderful time that night. Did he not feel it?

I’m trying to move on but it’s so hard. Meanwhile.. there’s this other guy I’ve been spending time with, and at times I feel like I do like him but then there are times when I can’t. I don’t want to use him.
And again, if it meant something more to him apart from just sex, he wouldn't be making you feel as crappy as you do but you'll come to these conclusions on your own when your ready.

For now, your move is to continue with the NC and focus on the future without him. For now, try to avoid the places that you know you will see him at. Try to do your best to redirect your focus towards your life, your goals, the people that care to keep you in their life because they are the ones that matter and your future.

As for this new guy, if you feel on and off, you're not ready yet. I would put some distance between you and the new guy as well as you need to sort your feelings and thoughts out with the other. If something serious ends up happening, you won't be ready and it will lead to an eventual disaster which will hurt him and coincidently make you feel like crap for doing so. I've been with women in dilemmas like this. It never ended well and I was the one who got burned.

What you need at the moment are the company of good friends, new people to meet, and alone time to work on yourself.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 17th July 2018 at 4:55 PM..
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Old 17th July 2018, 7:27 PM   #65
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Iím really mad at him for hurting me over and over but I know if heíd call me tonight Iíd drop whatever I was doing and run to be by his side.

I know the right thing to do, but I donít want to do it. Itís very empty without him. I feel like my life is just waiting until the next time I get to see/be with him.
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Old 17th July 2018, 9:02 PM   #66
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I’m really mad at him for hurting me over and over but I know if he’d call me tonight I’d drop whatever I was doing and run to be by his side.

I know the right thing to do, but I don’t want to do it. It’s very empty without him. I feel like my life is just waiting until the next time I get to see/be with him.
Your life is waiting right now because you've succumbed to your weaknesss and relinquished control of your life and let this guy take over.

Let me tell you something that took me a long time to understand but once I did, it made all the difference.

You're in charge of your life no matter what OP. Take your hands off the wheel and let someone else drive (This guy) as you have and your car will crash and take your life with it. No matter how painful, how draining, how miserable life can end up being..keep both those hands on the wheel. That means take care of yourself, make sure your well-being and state of mind is intact. Learn to walk away. Learn to say no. Learn to stand up for yourself. It's okay to want or desire love and companionship so long as that isn't all you want because the second you lose them or something goes wrong, your whole life gets turned upside down. By having other things going on, you'll certainly get slammed to the ground but you'll be able to dilute the trauma, which will give you the strength to get back up and fight for yourself.

No one else is going to do this for you. Maybe we don't have control over a lot of things that happen to us but we do have control over how we deal with it. So, ultimately you're in charge of where your story goes. If you want it to be a tragedy, it'll be one. If you want it to be inspirational one, it can be one. It's anything you want. Make a good story.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 17th July 2018 at 9:13 PM..
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Old 17th July 2018, 9:18 PM   #67
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I understand.

And I know it doesnít sound like it, but heís a great guy, I promise he is. I get why people always see him as an idiot but heís really not. Heís sweet, kind, very giving, loves God, loves his family, heís great with kids, always did fantastic in school, has a great job,.. I think he may have had a moment of weakness. I donít know. But I do know heís not a bad guy.
So he's congenial and has a good job. I think you have a lot to learn about what makes someone a "good guy." He absolutely does not deserve to be on the pedestal upon which you've placed him. You're young and I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you WILL find someone for whom you feel as strongly about again, and the feelings will be reciprocated and not make you feel like crap.
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Old 21st July 2018, 3:47 AM   #68
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Itís almost 4am where I am and Iím fighting myself not to call or text him. Iím so upset for how heís treated me and he should know how I feel :/ canít sleep Iím mad hurt and I miss him like crazy. I doubt heís asleep right now. I just wanna hear his voice :í(

Could just be the alcohol talking
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Old 22nd July 2018, 1:27 PM   #69
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I've read this whole thread. I'm sorry for your hurt, and the unappreciated direction of your affection with this man.

I also hear that part of you wants to move forward. I would encourage you to keep seeing your new guy. If you feel compelled, you could tell him (once) that you like spending time with him, and yet you're hung up on an old love interest. If he chooses to keep spending time with you, then when you want to speak with or see your old crush, call or text the new guy. Don't talk about the old guy with him, but use that impetus to reach out to someone, preferably the new guy, or some other friend some of the time.

It would be a positive expression for you to make new habits, starting with doing something to help yourself be more aware of the rest of the world when you want to talk to your old crush, and to give the gift of your time and good graces to other people. When ever the new guy asks you to do something, say yes, and then do more.

If he asks you to the park say yes, then don't tell him but bring a blanket and cheese and crackers or carrots and dip. If he asks you to a movie, say yes, and make three little notes. Give him them during the movie, or before and after. If he asks you to dinner, say yes, and tell him to pick you up 30 minutes earlier than he plans - when he gets to your place, invite him in, sit him down and rub his shoulders with little or no talking, then go to dinner a little early so you don't have to hurry.

You said you've been praying for help from God. Well guess what? It's here. Don't ignore the help He has sent you.

You have the chance to show your appreciation that a man has been sent to help you remember the good gifts that you have to share with other people. Don't be flippant about the helper you've been sent. Be thankful, and act with gratefulness. Let God work through your graciousness. It will help you wash out pain and self-examination, and wash in lightness and generosity.

Even if you don't really feel he's 'the one', it's good for all of us to give to someone else. And presumably this new guy is a good guy, yes? So you can honestly give him the gift of feeling appreciated and having a sweet time with you.

Best Wishes,
Sunlight

Last edited by Sunlight72; 22nd July 2018 at 1:32 PM..
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Old 22nd July 2018, 1:38 PM   #70
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I think you should really listen to what Sunlight72 posted. It is truly what you need to do to gradually wean yourself away from thoughts about someone you put should behind you.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 3:09 PM   #71
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It’s almost 4am where I am and I’m fighting myself not to call or text him. I’m so upset for how he’s treated me and he should know how I feel :/ can’t sleep I’m mad hurt and I miss him like crazy. I doubt he’s asleep right now. I just wanna hear his voice :’(

Could just be the alcohol talking
I've been here in this slump before, where my chest felt heavy and ached. I barely slept. I'd wake up 3 or 4 in the morning and couldn't fall back to sleep so I would put on a movie and watch. I had no appetite and barely ate so I lost weight. Couldn't think of anything but the one person I wanted who happened to be the one person who didn't want me. I'd check my phone every 5 minutes. When it would buzz or I'd get a call, I'd run to it excitedly and feel massive heartbreak when it wasn't them. Yep..been there a few times over. Whole life went to sh*t during times like this.

You can't change what he does or how he feels but you can definitely take care of yourself. Right now, you need yourself more than anyone and so you need to be there for you. I know getting through a day is overwhelming enough so don't bother. It's too much. You have to build up to it slowly and it won't happen overnight so take life 1 hour at a time. Let yourself cry and grieve. One of the best suggestions I can give you is to write. I wrote after every one of my rejections and it always helped me understand things better. In recent years I've also found that it is such a valuable tool to get me to figure out my life goals as well.

Get a notebook, and journal out your thoughts every night. Say whatever it is you want to say to him in that book when you feel that sense of desperation. You can even just freewrite your daily thoughts into the book. No formatting, no structure. Simple free flow writing until you have nothing left to say. If you keep doing this, you'll start to notice patterns in your thinking.

Every night before you go to bed, write out one..maybe two things that you want to accomplish the next day. Could be paying off some bills, could be stopping by the grocery store to pick up some food. It can be something very simple and manageable.

You can also write out two things that you look forward to each morning or two things that you are grateful for. I knew what I was grateful for and I looked forward to warm showers and an afternoon coffee. I'd also look forward to a particular show or movie to watch in the evening. My highights were warm shower and coffee, movies, and my lows were when I would sleep or feel so low I'd cry.

Last thing for that journal is write out is your life plan. Map it out. Write out the end goal and the series of short term goals you'll need to accomplish to get there. Having a plan and a purpose in life will matter during times like this. When your state of mind goes to the garbage, it's your goals that'll bring you back.

In Summary

1.Freewrite your thoughts out (Whenever you feel like you are going to suffocate)
2. 2 things you want to accomplish the next day (Write this everynight and accomplish it)
3. 2 things you are grateful for (Every few days)
4. 2 things look forward to (Everyday)
5. Life plan (Once a month)

In addition, Sunlight72 is onto something when he says you need to be with people who aren't ignoring you and want to be around you. People who remind you that you are wanted and loved.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 22nd July 2018 at 3:25 PM..
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Old 23rd July 2018, 12:35 AM   #72
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Hatter - First of all, i'd like to say I love your Username. Absolutely love that character from Alice in Wonderland.

Secondly, God, words cannot explain how badly I feel for you. What this man has done to you is so horrible and I wish so badly that you could see it. I'm sure he has done some good deeds in his life but this one deed - taking the virginity of a good friend he knows is in love with him with no intention to be with her and doing this while dating someone he plans to marry, this deed is what I would consider to be evil. I wish you could open your eyes and see it. Mark my words, he will answer for this one day. Believe me. Be it tomorrow or 50 years from now, he will pay for this.

Hatter - I have experienced this too. The exact same thing you're going through - the overwhelming emotions, obsessive thoughts and feelings that make you feel like you're going crazy, I have experienced every bit of it. You're going to come out of this just like I did and you will be stronger for it.

Please tell someone, a good friend, a brother or a sister - someone who will listen to you whine for weeks, months or years and never judge you. Tell someone. You will get through this, I promise. You are not alone. Ever.
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Old 24th July 2018, 3:49 PM   #73
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I want to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to listen and give advice. It’s really appreciated.

So I stuck to my guns. Haven’t called or texted him. He still hasn’t come looking for me either and that really really hurts. But I can’t make myself a fool anymore then I already have.

Trying to move on but it’s harder than one would think. He’s always on my mind. I keep replaying our last conversation over and over and over. Thinking of every word I said, every word he said, my reactions to whatever he said... just trying to figure what I said or did wrong. It makes no sense I know. I’m just trying to figure it out.

Miss him terribly. I’d literally do anything to see him right now. I genuinely mean that from my heart.

We were together a couple weeks ago and we shared a bottle of water. I swear to god I still have the bottle. I don’t know why lol
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Old 24th July 2018, 9:01 PM   #74
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I want to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to listen and give advice. It’s really appreciated.

So I stuck to my guns. Haven’t called or texted him. He still hasn’t come looking for me either and that really really hurts. But I can’t make myself a fool anymore then I already have.

Trying to move on but it’s harder than one would think. He’s always on my mind. I keep replaying our last conversation over and over and over. Thinking of every word I said, every word he said, my reactions to whatever he said... just trying to figure what I said or did wrong. It makes no sense I know. I’m just trying to figure it out.

Miss him terribly. I’d literally do anything to see him right now. I genuinely mean that from my heart.

We were together a couple weeks ago and we shared a bottle of water. I swear to god I still have the bottle. I don’t know why lol
You know why OP. You cared. He mattered. You were in love.

How you are feeling and thinking is incredibly normal. Many many many many many many people feel this way. I hope you know that.

I still think about someone that meant something to me a year ago even though she's married and moved on. Sometimes my mind involuntarily replays a moment we shared. When that breakup happened..I was a mess.

I'm still not all well and I don't expect to be . She broke my heart and she broke it badly and that's all there is to it. But from Day 1, I let myself feel whatever it was I had to feel and I didn't give up on myself. The journey was a nightmare but after a year of thinking, contemplating, wondering, writing, not giving up on myself and pushing forward..I have improved. Pain's there..just quieter, more managable. If I want to cry, I'll have a good session but I haven't felt the need.

Depending on who you are, what you've been through, how much you know yourself, how honest you are with yourself, what your relationship was like, how much you loved this person, how much experience and understanding you have about relationships/break ups..healing can take a week, a few months, a year, a few years, many years..sometimes you may never be okay again. Granted the longer it's been since the breakup, the more likely it's you who's holding yourself back but in general, you can't put a time limit on these things.

Do not let this man back into your life. Let that pain he's caused you remind you of why he shouldn't have your heart. Matter of fact, write this down in a book somewhere. All the pain and anger you feel. When you feel weak which you will, you read it and remind yourself of what you need to do for yourself.

All can do though is allow yourself to feel the pain, forgive yourself, and not give up. You need you more than anyone else does right now for if you lose yourself, no one can get you back. You're doomed. Take care of yourself. You will likely relapse and hit low points but remember that it'll happen to remind you of what direction you should be heading towards.

Best of luck on your journey back to yourself

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 24th July 2018 at 9:04 PM..
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Old 25th July 2018, 10:42 AM   #75
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I wake up every morning wishing to wake up from this nightmare. I keep hoping to see a text or missed call as soon as I open my eyes. He hasnít even been very active on social media.

Yeah it hurts like hell. But I think being without him hurts more than him betraying me does. You guys will probably think Iím so dumb for saying this but I know that if he were to call me, Iíd drop whatever it was I was doing to be by his side. I donít want to give him up.

It feels like Iím drowning. I truly donít believe Iíll ever find someone I love this much again. I donít want to face my life without him in it. Even as just a friend.

Beach suggested I let myself have a good cry. Ha! I cry non stop. So much so that I make myself sick. Iím barely eating. Sleep? If I get 3 hours in thatís a good night.

My brain wonít shut off. I have so many good memories with him. Can his ďfiancťĒ remember learning how to ride a bike with him? Or playing hide and seek on the boardwalk? His first job? Was she there when his uncle died and he cried for 2 weeks? Guess who was???? Me.

I want him inspite if all his flaws. I fell in love with his flaws.
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