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Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 22nd May 2018, 1:56 AM   #1
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New here. Hoping to get some insight

Hi, I’m new here. Stumbled upon it looking for someone to talk to. I’ve tried talking to fiends about my situation but I feel like I need an unbiased opinion. It’s really hard for me to open up about it so I hope you’ll all bare with me. I met him when I was just 13. Right away I was crazy about him. We became friends but I never told him how I felt about him. I was (still am) extremely shy, especially around guys. We have now been friends for over 10 years and I have never cared for another man like I care for him.

I have dated other guys but no one has ever come close. However, we (he and I) have never dated. We had only kissed a few times just in the heat of the moment. But he’s always made it clear that he has no interest in a relationship with me. He’s been dating this girl for around 7 months now. And it broke my heart when he told me he’s going to propose.

I of course acted like I was thrilled for him, and I am happy he’s happy, but it hurts like hell. So a few nights ago, he comes to my place to pick up one of his boxes (he’s using my extra bedroom as storage. His place is really small), so he gets his stuff then asks if I can make him a drink. So I make us drinks. He tells me to sit next to him on the sofa. He has this look that I’ve never seen before in the 10 years I’ve know him. Next thing I know he’s got his hands all over me and he’s kissing my neck. I stopped him reminding him he has a soon to be fiancť but he said let’s nit think about her right now. So we ended up hooking up.

Afterwards he took his box and left. He said he’d call me the next day but that was on Thursday night and still no word whatsoever. I’ve texted him, called, tired his insta, nothing. He’s completely ignoring me and I don’t know why. I feel absolutely awful. I feel used. But I also miss him. Why would he do that to me? Where do we go from here? I know you guys don’t have any more information lol But I really need someone to talk to. Thanks

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd May 2018 at 8:52 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs and move to F&L
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:16 AM   #2
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So this guy is going to propose to his girlfriend. Depending on the length of the engagement, they should be married in the near future.

I'm guessing he wanted to "sow some wild oats" before he got engaged/married?? One last adventure before he gets tied down??

He stated he didn't want a relationship with you, so I can only guess this was a "no strings attached" fling for him??

Now he has to go be with his girlfriend/fiancee, so he went "no contact" on communication with you and act like he's been a good little boyfriend/fiancee.

Again, this is just my guess...
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:30 AM   #3
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See, that’s what everyone is telling me. But he’s not that kinda guy. I don’t know what got into him. He’s a really sweet good guy. I refuse to believe he’d use me for sex. I mean, I know he knows how I feel about him and that I’d sleep with him any day of the week, but would be honestly use my feelings for him against me? And then just avoid me like the plague? I can’t belive that. I don’t want to
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:40 AM   #4
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OK... Try this... Give him a week to 10 days with no contact, then text him something generic (weather, sports event score or local news story), something benign and see if he responds.

If he doesn't respond, then you may have to believe that he wanted a quick "no strings attached" fling.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:45 AM   #5
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Oh and he acted like he didnít know I was a virgin when he knew good and well that I was. He pretended to be surprised and disappointed I donít know why.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 2:53 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Madd_hatter View Post
Oh and he acted like he didnít know I was a virgin when he knew good and well that I was. He pretended to be surprised and disappointed I donít know why.
Again... another strike against him.

I'm really sorry, but the evidence is piling up that he is a cad.

Just my opinion...
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Old 22nd May 2018, 3:12 AM   #7
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Donít apologize. I guess I kinda know itís true. But it hurts to think of him in that way. This isnít some random guy I met and brought home. I thought he was someone I could trust. I felt so ecstatic to be with him that night. It was so surreal. I wasnít even scared. I trusted him. People say it hurts the first time. With him it didnít. It felt so natural. I always knew my first time would be with him. It hurts to think he ignore me after we shared such a beautiful thing.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 3:21 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Madd_hatter View Post
I guess I kinda know it’s true. But it hurts to think of him in that way.
Try to remember the positive aspects of your first time and not the hurt from his later actions.

Well... time for this rodent to crawl into his hole and get some sleep.

I do hope you feel better...

Good Night.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 7:10 AM   #9
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Madd Hater

Your story broke my heart. You have carried a torch for this guy for a decade & on the eve of his proposal to another woman you gave him your virginity. Now he's not talking to you. Yikes.

When did he find out you were a virgin? I suspect it scared the beejeezus out of him. He was expected an uncomplicated roll in the hay with his buddy & he finds out that for you it was a life changing event. That's pretty heavy stuff.

If he's still dating her but screwing around with you, his morals leave a lot to be desired. Even if he dumps her, are you sure you still want him? If he cheated on her with you, he will most likely cheat on you with somebody else.

You are holding his stuff in your house. You can hold it for ransom as in -- come talk to me or I'm throwing all your stuff out. That could at least force a discussion but overall I think your friendship is over. Since he had sex with you, how on earth are you going to go to his wedding & watch him marry her knowing he cheated, knowing you can't have him? You can't exactly speak up when the minister asks if anybody has a reason why these 2 can't be married. That only works in the movies.

For your sake I really hope you get good & angry at this guy. He used you. Whether you want to believe it or not, it happened. Maybe this anger will finally destroy whatever hold you think he has over you. He's not a good person.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 7:40 AM   #10
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It seems to me he wanted to get you out of his system. One last harrah before he ties the knot and gets serious. He's been your friend for a decade and there has been some level of attraction he has had for you all these years, just not the marriage kind. It's possible his STB fiance has had issues with female friends or you in particular, seeing this attraction, knowing your history, and she wants it stopped, so he went after one of the things he has always wanted, which is to sleep with you. Now he's doing what he has to do for his future wife and cutting off the friendship with you.

I don't know what you were thinking...and I can't say I wouldn't do the same, which is wrong, but here you slept with a man who is on the verge of proposing and making a life with this woman. I'm guessing part of you wanted to get it while you could; have that moment before he was officially off the market; lose your virginity to him, someone you deeply care about. Did you expect him to leave her? How will you manage your friendship with him (and her) going forward? Watching them get married, build a life and a home, maybe start a family? He cheated, and you can never have him, and this thing will always be the elephant in the room. Going forward, I don't know if a friendship will work for the two of you now. Give it time if you wish to continue.

I'm sorry this is happening, and I'm sorry this was your experience with your first.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 7:48 AM   #11
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I get the one last hurrah thing & had a similar experience.

I had a crush on a guy for the better part of HS. We were friends & he was well aware of my crush. In HS we kissed once. Freshman year of college we had a long make out session when we were both home from college. Junior year he visited me at school & hooked up with my roommate. I was heartbroken. I didn't see him again for a few years. I heard through the grapevine that he'd gotten engaged. One day about week before his wedding, that I was not invited to although many of our other friends were, he shows up at my parents' house begging to talk to me. We talked & he said to me, "Tell me you love me & I'll cancel the wedding." I was shocked. But I said, "I am not going to tell you any such thing because you are engaged to another woman & getting married next week. I will say that because you are here saying this you probably shouldn't get married. Break up with her & come back to me & we'll talk." We hugged. We cried. He left. He got married the following week. They were together 20+ years & have 2 great kids.

Had we been intimate that night I doubt it would have changed anything but I would have been more hurt.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 10:03 AM   #12
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Hey thanks for all the replies. And thanks for sharing from your own experiences. As happy as I was to get to have the chance to make love with him, I wish it didnít happen. I donít feel that Iíll ever share that kind of connection with anyone else ever again. I feel like itís ruined the thought of casual sex. Itís kinda not fair. Getting to have a piece of him only for a short time and then losing him totally.

I do still have some of his stuff. Heís picked up most up of it. But there are a few boxes and bags left. Last night I got one of his jackets and slept with it lol

I guess I can use the ďif you donít talk to me Iíll throw out your stuffĒ thing. See where that goes.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 10:35 AM   #13
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You unfortunately put yourself in an inferior position by hanging with someone you had feelings for ... and hiding your feelings and yet pretending that magically all would turn out well.

Of course, many of us have done this at some point ... But the truth is ... it is self-destructive--literally so--self-torturing--to hang out with someone we have feelings for ... who doesn't have feelings for us. Dishonesty really doesn't ever work in a romance.

By not demanding anything of him, by hanging out with him with those feelings ... he picked up your feelings and most likely also picked up that you weren't going to take a stand ... by say ... staying away from him. Every act you did communicated that he could use you ... I don't mean to be cruel but that's what you communicated.

If a man is interested in you, he will make that known, especially if you have spent years hanging out with the person. So you had your answer long ago--he doesn't see you this way ... he might think you're attractive, he might enjoy your company, he might even flirt ...Doesn't matter. If he doesn't make his interest known, he's not into you for romance.

This is the truth you avoided and by doing so you let yourself down and you opened up yourself for further disappointment and ultimately feeling used.

Flip it: imagine you had a cute guy friend who treated you like royalty ... who you picked up (and we do pick this up) that he had feelings for you ... but he never really stood his ground ... He was always available ... He would even store your stuff ... You might easily feel ... Oh ... I can sleep with him ... while I have a boyfriend ... because he's harmless ... he won't take a stand ... he'll put up with anything I do!

Time to get over that feeling we all have at some point: that this one person is special and the only real person you could ever love. Nonsense. Get out there and meet people and you'll find someone who turns you on MORE than this guy, and someone who is totally into you.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 10:43 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
You unfortunately put yourself in an inferior position by hanging with someone you had feelings for ... and hiding your feelings and yet pretending that magically all would turn out well.

Of course, many of us have done this at some point ... But the truth is ... it is self-destructive--literally so--self-torturing--to hang out with someone we have feelings for ... who doesn't have feelings for us. Dishonesty really doesn't ever work in a romance.

By not demanding anything of him, by hanging out with him with those feelings ... he picked up your feelings and most likely also picked up that you weren't going to take a stand ... by say ... staying away from him. Every act you did communicated that he could use you ... I don't mean to be cruel but that's what you communicated.

If a man is interested in you, he will make that known, especially if you have spent years hanging out with the person. So you had your answer long ago--he doesn't see you this way ... he might think you're attractive, he might enjoy your company, he might even flirt ...Doesn't matter. If he doesn't make his interest known, he's not into you for romance.

This is the truth you avoided and by doing so you let yourself down and you opened up yourself for further disappointment and ultimately feeling used.

Flip it: imagine you had a cute guy friend who treated you like royalty ... who you picked up (and we do pick this up) that he had feelings for you ... but he never really stood his ground ... He was always available ... He would even store your stuff ... You might easily feel ... Oh ... I can sleep with him ... while I have a boyfriend ... because he's harmless ... he won't take a stand ... he'll put up with anything I do!

Time to get over that feeling we all have at some point: that this one person is special and the only real person you could ever love. Nonsense. Get out there and meet people and you'll find someone who turns you on MORE than this guy, and someone who is totally into you.
Wow. Youíre so right. He figured Iíd never ever question anything he says or does. In that case..maybe I should threaten to throw out his stuff or even worse,. Tell his girlfriend.

But even then, what would I be expecting? He loves her... not me.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 10:56 AM   #15
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I think it’s pretty low of him to sleep with you. But wouldn’t it be better to go NC instead of wasting another 10+ years of your life? You did understand very clearly that he’s getting engaged to another woman soon when you accepted his sexual advance. Just think of that one night as some sex adventure.

Personally, I’d just throw away his stuff without trying to blackmail him into talking to you. What are you trying to get out of remaining as his “friend”? Do you intend to be his side piece going forward?
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