Lost and it’s happening so fast- colleague into work wife

[DenimRoad]

41 year guy here needs help. I work in a finance company. A female coworker moves offices into my area a few months ago. For a while, we did the usual pleasantries. Then we worked on a project together for a couple of weeks and just clicked. Soon, were the best of pals, going out to lunch together, texting out of work, and finding ways to spend a couple of hours a day chatting.

 

Now we are essentially joined at the hip. We have some certifications that set us apart from others and are seen as good business partners and achievers. I sense that we are also seen as a couple. We are always together, even seated next to each other in auditing meetings where there are a ton of chairs at a conference center we go to. People say, “I knew if I found one I’d find the other.”

 

So we are both married with kids. We talk about our kids but happen to omit our spouses most of the item. I don’t know his name, profession, or anything, and visa versa. At this point, my “work wife” (or whatever she should be called) knows deep things about me that my wife doesn’t.

 

To me, “work wife” doesn’t quite fit. I’ve never had close female friends, but suddenly this woman is my best friend, who just happens to work with me. It’s always been a few guys who become my close “partners in crime” at work- buddies who I can grab drinks with on fridays. Now she’s the number one. I have so much respect for her- she’s intelligent, supportive, funny, caring, etc like nobody I know. Above average in looks. You wouldn’t turn your head to stare, but you’d think she’s a cute professional. In a few months, we’ve developed this deep connection that has totally changed my life.

 

I’ve been married 21 years. She has 14. Mine has been burnt out the last few years. We are basically two friendly people living and raising kids together. My wife knows nothing of my work pal. She’d be sad if she knew. For my woman at work, I feel real love for her, a deepness built more on the quality of our time than anything lust related. We don’t flirt or go there. For me, I’m scared to death of scaring her away. My biggest fear is losing what we have. There’s tremendous emotional intimacy but it’s been contained so far.

 

I miss her terribly on weekends. I’m like a lost little puppy. Apart from her, life is very bland. So the contrast is hard. Going from being completely fulfilled and happy to home is like driving off a cliff. Even if the marriage was great, it wouldn’t be different for us. I’d still be completely into my work pal.

 

Anyone else been here? I wonder if our relationship can continue to grow and stay platonic for years to come. Will I need at some point to distance myself, tortured with unrequited love? I do a fairly good job of completely blocking out any “she’s married and I wish were both single thoughts. Will there be a slip into physical intimacy? She’s not the type of girl to have a one-nighter. I could only see it coming out of deep discussion about each other and see it being very loving, not just a fling.

 

When I’m not with her, she’s always on my mind. It hurts to miss her so much. Even though our relationship is solid and keeps growing, i get anxious and fearful of the magic wearing off. I keep notes of topics to talk about. She’s like this amazing treasure I just adore. Sure, the grass is always greener, but we have already covered a lot of ground to get out of fantasy land.

[fredflint]

You are having an emotional affair. By doing so you are (1) cheating on your wife and (2) enabling her to cheat on her husband.

 

Distance yourself or the consequences will be dire. Your respective worlds will come shattering down in a heap of pain, for your spouses, kids and each other. You have been warned.

[DenimRoad]

You are having an emotional affair. By doing so you are (1) cheating on your wife and (2) enabling her to cheat on her husband.

 

Distance yourself or the consequences will be dire. Your respective worlds will come shattering down in a heap of pain, for your spouses, kids and each other. You have been warned.

 

Thank you for the blunt feedback. I’ve always been the good student, worker, family guy, just another suburban dad. This is out of nowhere and seems tremendous.

 

I just did some research on emotional affairs and it rings true. Do you and others ever see these settling into healthy platonic friendships? Or does this sound doomed?

 

I realize I’m probably the millionth person posting on here with a similar story and mine is nothing unique. Thanks for the help. I’m not sure where else to turn.

[fredflint]

Imagine yourself on a slippery slope that gets progressively steeper and then drops off a cliff vertically. That's where you are now. You're already fantasizing about taking this to a physical affair with her. At the bottom of that cliff is years of agony and regret, compounded across all your family members.

 

I don't see how you can make this just a plain old friendship. It's much more than that already. How can you dial that back? I know you are looking for ways to do this here, to maintain your addiction to her but I think you recognize yourself you have to pull back from her. This will take immense strength and courage but you will save your marriage and hers.

 

I think your best option is to look for another job and block her.

[JDJ]

I just did some research on emotional affairs and it rings true. Do you and others ever see these settling into healthy platonic friendships? Or does this sound doomed?

 

 

Let me say first that I have "been there", in a couple of different circumstances, one of which I think is mentioned in a prior post here. I am still working on an obsession now.

 

I would agree with fredflint that this is a big emotional affair. For me the worst thing you said was "my wife knows nothing of my work pal". Here you have something big that has come into your life and made you so happy, and you can't share it with your wife? You are already living a double life. How can you make sure it stays secret? If everyone knows at work, does no one from that group ever have any chance of bumping into your wife or someone who knows her? It seems like it will eventually get out that you are "joined at the hip" to someone other than your wife.

 

I wouldn't say no contact, but you will have to scale back the relationship to something that you are able to tell your wife about. If that is not possible, you will have to cut it off, or divorce your wife. If your home life is so empty, maybe divorce is the right thing to do.

 

I do think it is possible to have opposite sex friends, and for those friendships even to go into things you don't relate to your spouse about. But your spouse has to know about it and be ok with it. Otherwise it is cheating.

[DenimRoad]

Imagine yourself on a slippery slope that gets progressively steeper and then drops off a cliff vertically. That's where you are now. You're already fantasizing about taking this to a physical affair with her. At the bottom of that cliff is years of agony and regret, compounded across all your family members.

 

I don't see how you can make this just a plain old friendship. It's much more than that already. How can you dial that back? I know you are looking for ways to do this here, to maintain your addiction to her but I think you recognize yourself you have to pull back from her. This will take immense strength and courage but you will save your marriage and hers.

 

I think your best option is to look for another job and block her.

 

Thank you. My instinct is to debate every point but I’m working to keep an open mind because of your severe warning. In my mind, I’m counting the hours until the big “good morning!” tomorrow and wondering if our calendars will allow for “us time,” lunch, etc.

 

It’s probably just denial, but I try to justify everything by thinking how everything has been wholesome and pure and free from flirting. But I know that doesn’t really matter- it’s still an affair and yes, an addiction.

 

I’d like to keep my job of 12 years. I’d like to talk it over with her and get it all in the open. Deal with it like adults. We deal with everything deep and personal but never talk about us as a unit. Or am I just asking for trouble? Thanks for the reality check.

[DenimRoad]

Let me say first that I have "been there", in a couple of different circumstances, one of which I think is mentioned in a prior post here. I am still working on an obsession now.

 

I would agree with fredflint that this is a big emotional affair. For me the worst thing you said was "my wife knows nothing of my work pal". Here you have something big that has come into your life and made you so happy, and you can't share it with your wife? You are already living a double life. How can you make sure it stays secret? If everyone knows at work, does no one from that group ever have any chance of bumping into your wife or someone who knows her? It seems like it will eventually get out that you are "joined at the hip" to someone other than your wife.

 

I wouldn't say no contact, but you will have to scale back the relationship to something that you are able to tell your wife about. If that is not possible, you will have to cut it off, or divorce your wife. If your home life is so empty, maybe divorce is the right thing to do.

 

I do think it is possible to have opposite sex friends, and for those friendships even to go into things you don't relate to your spouse about. But your spouse has to know about it and be ok with it. Otherwise it is cheating.

 

Thank you for sharing from your experience. It is a risk, but one I foolishly accept and figure I’ll deal with when the time comes. I do dread a work function when sig. others are invited. It’s only natural I’d sit with her and have my wife and her husband there. I couldn’t bear seeing him. My wife would be stunned seeing our chemistry.

 

You are right. It seems wrong that my wife doesn’t know this person exists. I rationalize it by saying she doesn’t know most of my coworkers exist. But I see how this one is different. She’s the only coworker that I’d do anything for.

[DenimRoad]

Let me say first that I have "been there", in a couple of different circumstances, one of which I think is mentioned in a prior post here. I am still working on an obsession now.

 

I would agree with fredflint that this is a big emotional affair. For me the worst thing you said was "my wife knows nothing of my work pal". Here you have something big that has come into your life and made you so happy, and you can't share it with your wife? You are already living a double life. How can you make sure it stays secret? If everyone knows at work, does no one from that group ever have any chance of bumping into your wife or someone who knows her? It seems like it will eventually get out that you are "joined at the hip" to someone other than your wife.

 

I wouldn't say no contact, but you will have to scale back the relationship to something that you are able to tell your wife about. If that is not possible, you will have to cut it off, or divorce your wife. If your home life is so empty, maybe divorce is the right thing to do.

 

I do think it is possible to have opposite sex friends, and for those friendships even to go into things you don't relate to your spouse about. But your spouse has to know about it and be ok with it. Otherwise it is cheating.

 

Have you or anyone else able to cut it off and still see the person regularly? I can’t imagine seeing her at work every day and managing to keep my sanity.

[halleysinvestigation]

let it go, i would say.

Edited July 12, 2018 by halleysinvestigation

[Ravensglen]

Just a few thoughts...

 

I wouldn’t recommend telling your work wife about your feelings- either her feelings are the same, and once it is shared, then it will be even harder to extricate yourself from the situation OR her feelings are not the same and it becomes extremely awkward. You need to figure out what you feel about it, without input from her, and decide what you want to do. Maybe call in sick half a day and walk around a park to think. You need to hear your own inner voice without input from others and honestly figure out what you want.

 

You mentioned your relationship with your wife has fizzled a bit and you’re like 2 friends living together. You can’t compare work wife to real wife... real wife will lose every time. You don’t share any realities with work wife... you’ve never woken up next to her and dealt with morning breath, never heard her using the bathroom, youve never argued about money or bills or deal with stress of running a household, never dealt with the stress of raising children together, dealt with chores, etc. Everyone puts their best foot forward on the job. They dresses nicely, leave their baggage at the door, and put on a front for the sake of “professionalism” — My point is, you fantasize about work wife and have gotten carried away. You’ve filled in the blanks of what you don’t know about her with positive fantasies, while simultaneously started looking at your wife negatively. The work wife gets the benefit of the doubt while your real wife does not

 

I know this whole thing snuck up on you but now you’ve reached the point where you can’t keep burying your head in the sand

 

Are you and real wife sexually active? How can you redirect some of this energy from the work wife to real wife?

[DenimRoad]

Just a few thoughts...

 

I wouldn’t recommend telling your work wife about your feelings- either her feelings are the same, and once it is shared, then it will be even harder to extricate yourself from the situation OR her feelings are not the same and it becomes extremely awkward. You need to figure out what you feel about it, without input from her, and decide what you want to do. Maybe call in sick half a day and walk around a park to think. You need to hear your own inner voice without input from others and honestly figure out what you want.

 

You mentioned your relationship with your wife has fizzled a bit and you’re like 2 friends living together. You can’t compare work wife to real wife... real wife will lose every time. You don’t share any realities with work wife... you’ve never woken up next to her and dealt with morning breath, never heard her using the bathroom, youve never argued about money or bills or deal with stress of running a household, never dealt with the stress of raising children together, dealt with chores, etc. Everyone puts their best foot forward on the job. They dresses nicely, leave their baggage at the door, and put on a front for the sake of “professionalism” — My point is, you fantasize about work wife and have gotten carried away. You’ve filled in the blanks of what you don’t know about her with positive fantasies, while simultaneously started looking at your wife negatively. The work wife gets the benefit of the doubt while your real wife does not

 

I know this whole thing snuck up on you but now you’ve reached the point where you can’t keep burying your head in the sand

 

Are you and real wife sexually active? How can you redirect some of this energy from the work wife to real wife?

Thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts and questions.

 

It’s hard because there’s some fantasizing, but then the reality of it is fantastic. Just having a great ten minute conversation is engaging and stimulating, thought provoking, funny, etc. even if lunch conversation for the day is mostly business, it’s wonderful time.

 

But you are right, the hard stuff doesn’t enter into the reality, so yes, it is a fantasy existence.

 

Stuff in the bedroom has dried up long ago. A combination of the fire going out, resentment for not being active, and just not having interest add up.

 

I’ve done a lot of research on emotional affairs since getting feedback here. It’s hard to accept the negative implications of it, but it seems to fit well. It says that after extended time there’s a kiss then things quickly escalate because of the emotional intimacy. It’s hard to imagine that because i wouldn’t think i could do that to my wife. But I’ve gone this far, so maybe I’m heading down that slope.

 

Yes, I need to get my head clear. I’m not sure how to channel the energy into my wife. I bet we talk as much in a week as much as my work wife and I talk over a long lunch. But I’m part of the problem too. Therapy probably makes sense.

 

You bring up a point I’ve thought about- am I reading it totally wrong? Maybe, but starts engaging with me as much as I do with her. Am I being used? I’m not sure. Perhaps. Is that possible?

[OneParadox]

Crushes are totally natural even for married folks. I recently read most married people actually fall in love several times during their lifetimes with people other than their spouses. Of course, most people keep those to themselves and eventually things work themselves out (like most crushes do).

 

Obviously, you have to be careful on how you deal with this specific situation. You can divorce and start a life changing event of epic proportions to a lot of people (kids, spouses, extended family, etc..). Or, you can choose to push this woman away. This would be incredibly painful and probably not even feasible. Or, maybe be you can keep this relationship totally platonic and casual. Yes: people do this all the time, a special friendship that because of an accident of time and life just cannot go any further. Takes a lot of discipline and self-control that many people just don't have. Or, you can do what a lot of people do: start a secret hot and sweaty affair with this woman. Of course, that would come with a ton of feelings of guilt and the danger of getting caught (which might turn into into a catastrophic chain of events for your family and hers). Whatever path you take just make sure to avoid hurting your family and hers. And always keep in mind this crush might not be that much different than some dumb crush you had in middle school.

[Ravensglen]

Thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts and questions.

 

It’s hard because there’s some fantasizing, but then the reality of it is fantastic. Just having a great ten minute conversation is engaging and stimulating, thought provoking, funny, etc. even if lunch conversation for the day is mostly business, it’s wonderful time.

 

But you are right, the hard stuff doesn’t enter into the reality, so yes, it is a fantasy existence.

 

Stuff in the bedroom has dried up long ago. A combination of the fire going out, resentment for not being active, and just not having interest add up.

 

I’ve done a lot of research on emotional affairs since getting feedback here. It’s hard to accept the negative implications of it, but it seems to fit well. It says that after extended time there’s a kiss then things quickly escalate because of the emotional intimacy. It’s hard to imagine that because i wouldn’t think i could do that to my wife. But I’ve gone this far, so maybe I’m heading down that slope.

 

Yes, I need to get my head clear. I’m not sure how to channel the energy into my wife. I bet we talk as much in a week as much as my work wife and I talk over a long lunch. But I’m part of the problem too. Therapy probably makes sense.

 

You bring up a point I’ve thought about- am I reading it totally wrong? Maybe, but starts engaging with me as much as I do with her. Am I being used? I’m not sure. Perhaps. Is that possible?

 

To give you some background on me, I am a married woman with 2 kids (ages 6 mo and 3 years) and hubby and I have been married for about 5 years. We both work full time and the day to day stressors have certainly taken a toll on the “romance” in our relationship. Dropping and picking up from daycare, prepping snacks and meals, cleaning the house, stress from deadlines at work, doing chores, etc. and we get short tempered with each other sometimes because there is nobody else to take it out on. Our self care suffers and our relationship suffers at times because of our kids- there is only so much time in the day and our patience can wear thin. Sometimes I look at my husband and I think he’s the stupidest human being that ever existed and other times I am incredibly grateful that he is who he is. The stress, the fatigue, etc. can wear down the romantic feelings. But you know what? What we have is REAL. And these are just realities of real life. And these are realities and stressors that would be there no matter who I was married to and had two kids with.

 

I had an emotional affair with an ex from a decade ago who reached out to me via email after about ten years of no contact. At first it started innocently enough but then, like your situation, things started to get out of hand. I projected fantasies onto him and the better I imagined him to be, the worse I began to view my husband. I was comparing my real life husband to this fantasy of the ex. And all the same feelings you described were there: the “closeness” the sharing, the joking and easy conversations... but I had to cut things off because quite honestly I was a nervous wreck all the time, fantasizing about divorcing my husband so we could be together, imagining what it would be like, etc. it was all fake, really. It got so messed up that when I’d have sex w. My husband I felt like I was being disloyal to him, even tho all we did was talk. It gave me an escape from real kids, which I felt trapped By. Eventually the lows didn’t balance out the highs and I felt extremely guilty. We don’t talk anymore and honestly I’m glad. I have peace now. And I redirected my efforts back into my husband by trying. We go out on more dates, we started lifting weights together, jogging together and I will stop at his job and visit him for lunch sometimes. Start anywhere. Eat a meal together and make an effort to talk. The connection you had won’t be the same as it was 10 years ago, but it can still be meaningful and enjoyable.

 

Why not try to spice things up in the bedroom with the wife? You may feel silly or weird at first bc it’s out of the “norm” for you now, but why not try?

[DenimRoad]

Crushes are totally natural even for married folks. I recently read most married people actually fall in love several times during their lifetimes with people other than their spouses. Of course, most people keep those to themselves and eventually things work themselves out (like most crushes do).

 

Obviously, you have to be careful on how you deal with this specific situation. You can divorce and start a life changing event of epic proportions to a lot of people (kids, spouses, extended family, etc..). Or, you can choose to push this woman away. This would be incredibly painful and probably not even feasible. Or, maybe be you can keep this relationship totally platonic and casual. Yes: people do this all the time, a special friendship that because of an accident of time and life just cannot go any further. Takes a lot of discipline and self-control that many people just don't have. Or, you can do what a lot of people do: start a secret hot and sweaty affair with this woman. Of course, that would come with a ton of feelings of guilt and the danger of getting caught (which might turn into into a catastrophic chain of events for your family and hers). Whatever path you take just make sure to avoid hurting your family and hers. And always keep in mind this crush might not be that much different than some dumb crush you had in middle school.

 

Thank you very much for responding. The hot and steamy affair seems like asking to be in a car crash. Yes, it could be amazing at first, but it also seems we’d be turning into the worst version of ourselves, focused on ugly deception and just destroying everything.

 

It’s funny how in middle school it was about asking, “will you go out with me?” “Will she talk to me?” It felt strange asking her out to lunch the first time. Now every day is like, “you getting hungry?” and hanging out for hours talking.

 

My impulse is to think I can keep it platonic and try to keep my feelings in check. I mean, today was a great,great day with her. From what we accomplished with work to the laughs and talking. It would look good as a written transcript. But it does seem like an emotional affair. I have a ton to think about, huh?

[DenimRoad]

To give you some background on me, I am a married woman with 2 kids (ages 6 mo and 3 years) and hubby and I have been married for about 5 years. We both work full time and the day to day stressors have certainly taken a toll on the “romance” in our relationship. Dropping and picking up from daycare, prepping snacks and meals, cleaning the house, stress from deadlines at work, doing chores, etc. and we get short tempered with each other sometimes because there is nobody else to take it out on. Our self care suffers and our relationship suffers at times because of our kids- there is only so much time in the day and our patience can wear thin. Sometimes I look at my husband and I think he’s the stupidest human being that ever existed and other times I am incredibly grateful that he is who he is. The stress, the fatigue, etc. can wear down the romantic feelings. But you know what? What we have is REAL. And these are just realities of real life. And these are realities and stressors that would be there no matter who I was married to and had two kids with.

 

I had an emotional affair with an ex from a decade ago who reached out to me via email after about ten years of no contact. At first it started innocently enough but then, like your situation, things started to get out of hand. I projected fantasies onto him and the better I imagined him to be, the worse I began to view my husband. I was comparing my real life husband to this fantasy of the ex. And all the same feelings you described were there: the “closeness” the sharing, the joking and easy conversations... but I had to cut things off because quite honestly I was a nervous wreck all the time, fantasizing about divorcing my husband so we could be together, imagining what it would be like, etc. it was all fake, really. It got so messed up that when I’d have sex w. My husband I felt like I was being disloyal to him, even tho all we did was talk. It gave me an escape from real kids, which I felt trapped By. Eventually the lows didn’t balance out the highs and I felt extremely guilty. We don’t talk anymore and honestly I’m glad. I have peace now. And I redirected my efforts back into my husband by trying. We go out on more dates, we started lifting weights together, jogging together and I will stop at his job and visit him for lunch sometimes. Start anywhere. Eat a meal together and make an effort to talk. The connection you had won’t be the same as it was 10 years ago, but it can still be meaningful and enjoyable.

 

Why not try to spice things up in the bedroom with the wife? You may feel silly or weird at first bc it’s out of the “norm” for you now, but why not try?

Thank you for sharing your own experience.

 

Did you or your ex ever try to keep it an innocent friendship? When did you first realize you were in it too deep?

 

Did you and the ex ever talk about what the relationship was? In my situation, we never bring it up. I have no idea what she’d say if I asked how she’d characterize our relationship. Like I probably would, I’d say we are great friends who happen to work together. But the follow up question with some evidence showing it’s more would lead to an interesting chat.

 

Did you just disappear from him or end it somehow with closure? How did he react?

 

Did you tell your husband?

 

Sorry if the questions are personal. It’s helpful to hear from someone who has been there. Yes, I can and should try to spice things up and focus my energy on my wife. You’re right about reality. My fake world at work seems magical and majestic and this amazing thing bigger than life itself. Reality seems dwarfed by it all, but I guess that’s why it’s fantasy. Thank you for your help.

[grays]

I'm not really sure what to say to you, but I feel like I have to say something because I'm pretty sure that my ex-h had the same experience which led to us divorcing and the two of them being together.

 

I'd be so curious to know if he thinks it was all worth it in the end and I wish I could tell you. I do know that when he's emotionally vulnerable he finds ways to try to connect with me. Maybe that is natural no matter how awesome their relationship is. For 25 years I was the person who took care of him emotionally. Maybe I just feel safe to him. But when he comes to me for that, I have nothing for him at all. I feel like it's just creepy and gross. So, after all was said and done he took what was a really sweet and substantial and loving relationship and gutted it to the point that my skin crawls at the thought of being near him or even having any kind of personal conversation with him. A couple of days ago we had a telephone conversation about our 9 year old's sunburn and I could feel him finding excuses to keep me on the phone and I wouldn't have felt more grossed out if maggots had been crawling all over me.

 

So, that's where we are now, after the six months of devestating talking and fighting it took to get from me finding out to us breaking up, having to tell our children and upend their world, having to set up separate households, four years of him being with the OW, four years of me having the time of my life being single (which he has never been too happy about -- he had the nerve to act all butthurt the first several times I stayed out all night). It was an insane amount of heartbreak. And everything that we had together has been obliterated. There are no good memories.

 

One thing that felt unjust to me about it all was that it was over before I had any idea that there was trouble. The day I found out he said that he loved us both and he didn't know which one of us he wanted to be with. But, it was pretty clear that she was new and exciting and I was not. I actually had to eventually break up with him because he didn't have the balls to do it. At the time I wished so badly that I had been present for and cognizant of the major turning points. But by the time I even became part of the conversation it was already a done deal.

 

Another thing that made me crazy with anger... he was having that emotional affair for three years. I feel like he stole them from me. If I had found out when I was 40 instead of 43 that I was going to be building myself a new life, that would have felt substantially better to me.

 

So, I would say, at the very least start talking to your wife sooner rather than later. Maybe she will bring something surprising to the table or you'll find out that she's more or less committed to the relationship than you thought. Or maybe just having deep personal conversations with her will remind you what drew you to her in the first place. But please let her in on the surprise. I can't tell you how devastating it was for me to realize that I wasn't even part of the discussion.

 

AND please remember that as much as your work wife seems wonderful now, that may not translate into a good relationship if you both left your spouses. I know very little about my ex's relationship with the OW, but I bet you anything that whatever makes him feel the need to lean on me in the way that makes my skin crawl is indicative of something important lacking in their relationship. I know him well enough to know that if he trusted her as much as he trusted me and if she was willing to engage he'd much rather be leaning on her.

 

I have always had some (not a ton!) empathy for him finding himself embroiled with her and I have more for you since you're not cheating on me. I totally see how it can happen. I definitely think it can happen to a good loving partner. But right now is the moment, you've identified this as a serious threat to your marriage. It's time to either shore up your relationship with your wife and rediscover what made you crazy about her once or find a whole new way to connect or figure out if the two of you should split.

Edited July 13, 2018 by grays

[OneParadox]

"But it does seem like an emotional affair. I have a ton to think about, huh?"

 

Some people in here might not like this advice but here it goes: you might be overthinking this whole thing. The truth is most married people have all kinds of affairs while married. Many people spend way too much time and energy on their jobs, drinking, watching sports, playing golf, porn, gambling or even playing video games. All of which compete with their spouses for attention and emotional presence. Any of those, when out of hand, can easily undo a marriage. In my book, a romantic crush is, most of the time, not a whole lot different that any of those other types of affairs. The key for you is to gain perspective and keep things under control. Just chalk it up as one more growth experience. One of the many not-so-kosher things that happen throughout our lives that we keep to private yet we loved while they lasted. Things that make us a tad wiser and help us feel alive and in control of our lives. I am a firm believer even married people are entitled to a bit of privacy from their spouses. Sometimes people use that privacy for innocent flirting (which makes us feel sexy and desired... and helps us keep our games up).

 

Please don't tell your wife about it, unless you truly want to end your marriage. You will really hurt her and probably gain nothing more than lightening your guilt (in other words, it would be quite selfish and destructive). Always protect her your wife, even if she doesn't know what you are doing.

[Ravensglen]

Thank you for sharing your own experience.

 

Did you or your ex ever try to keep it an innocent friendship? When did you first realize you were in it too deep?

 

Did you and the ex ever talk about what the relationship was? In my situation, we never bring it up. I have no idea what she’d say if I asked how she’d characterize our relationship. Like I probably would, I’d say we are great friends who happen to work together. But the follow up question with some evidence showing it’s more would lead to an interesting chat.

 

Did you just disappear from him or end it somehow with closure? How did he react?

 

Did you tell your husband?

 

Sorry if the questions are personal. It’s helpful to hear from someone who has been there. Yes, I can and should try to spice things up and focus my energy on my wife. You’re right about reality. My fake world at work seems magical and majestic and this amazing thing bigger than life itself. Reality seems dwarfed by it all, but I guess that’s why it’s fantasy. Thank you for your help.

 

I’m truly happy to share my experiences if they can help someone else.

 

We definitely tried to keep it a platonic friendship, but the chemistry we had always led us back to feeling relaxed and joking, and talking about things that just led to dangerous places. We talked about our spouses and he said he hasn’t had sex with his wife in more than a year and they sleep in separate rooms. At the time I was frustrated w. My husband about several things and vented to him about it. That’s where it went to a dangerous place. And the comparisons began (what if I was with him instead of my husband?) and he was thinking, what if he ended up with me instead of his wife. Etc. except we should’ve been talking about our frustrations and needs with our spouses, not each other. We openly confessed our attraction to each other. Once Pandora’s box was opened, we couldn’t go back. We tried, but the attraction and chemistry and fantasizing made going back to square one impossible.

 

I ended it, I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore bc it was too hard for me and he understood. I told him that I don’t feel about him in a platonic way and I felt guilty. He has respected my decision. So, we don’t talk now. I miss him but it was my choice and after I didn’t have him to focus on I started redirecting energy back to my husband.

 

I told my husband most of it and he forgave it. He doesn’t want me to continue the “friendship” though- can’t blame him

[kamani]

 

Stuff in the bedroom has dried up long ago. A combination of the fire going out, resentment for not being active, and just not having interest add up.

 

What do you mean by this? You haven't had sex with your wife for months, perhaps years? Please explain. If so there's no wonder that you have this EA and soon will become PA. Even if it doesn't get physical, it's emotional infidelity and wrong. You already know this.

 

So, I would say, at the very least start talking to your wife sooner rather than later. Maybe she will bring something surprising to the table or you'll find out that she's more or less committed to the relationship than you thought.

 

Read this over and over. I have been in your situation, but nowhere near texting everyday, lunching together, no one talked about it. Yet I was feeling extremely guilty for my husband and his wife. I was clearly falling head over heals and he applied for a transfer and got it. I felt dumped and betrayed and came here for advice.

 

After lots of thinking discussed it with my husband who I loved a lot. He admitted to have casual flings behind my back occasionally. I was the BS not him. We are still working on it for years, but I still love him obviously.

 

Yes, it's not an easy decision to talk about it to your spouse. But once it gets physical it will be very hard to do it and fix your marriage.

[DenimRoad]

Thank you for sharing your emotional story. I hope that each day brings you more peace and happiness. I appreciate hearing the wife’s POV. I agree I giving my wife a shot and seeing if we can rekindle what we had. That’s the priority.

 

And I agree the world my work wife and I spend time in isn’t a preview of a real relationship. Like someone else said in the thread, I don’t have to contend with daily crap we all bring to the table.

 

Is an emotional affair worse than a physical one? If you found out after one year, would that have ruined your relationship?

 

Did you see signs in those three years? Was he more distant or happier? Do you resent the other woman? Thank you.

[DenimRoad]

Thank you for your perspective. It’s a different one and one I think about. It’s only been a few short months. It’s hard to fathom both of us leaving our spouses a couple of years from now, but that’s what everyone probably thinks at the beginning.

 

I agree with protecting my wife. And I agree that some things are better kept quiet in the interest of being better off in the long run.

 

I guess it all comes down to me. Do I have the ability to keep it a friendship without torturing myself? What do i really want? I don’t know the answers right now. I’m still trying to understand where I’m at right now. She’s like this great gift I was given that rather than treasuring for what she is, I’m putting at the center of my universe and can’t get enough of. It’s all so confusing.

[DenimRoad]

Thank you.

Speaking of spouses, do you think it’s odd we’ve rarely mentioned “my wife” or “my husband”, only as bit players in a story we are telling? We have never said their names. I have no idea what he does. She knows what mine does because I mentioned it once as part of a story.

I prefer not knowing anything about him. I don’t really want to discuss mine.

Were things the same after telling your husband? Does he trust you with male friends?

[DenimRoad]

Sex? Maybe once a year in last four years. It was drying up. I got resentful of skipping Valentine’s Day, birthdays, etc. of hearing it discussed on tv, of viagra commercials. Then she stopped taking the pill a few years ago, which seemed like she was just done with me. It’s all just a symptom of other marriage issues, not the central issue.

 

So yes, it’s amazing to have the deepest, most fulfilling relationship and connection I’ve felt in decades. At this point, it all seems like good clean fun, from deep personal conversations to joyous laughter to kicking ass as a team at work.

 

Even if my wife and I were happy as can be, I’m not sure what would be different with my work pal.

 

When did you realize you were taking it too far? Was there a time where it was innocent but then something made it turn? Could you have ever taken a step,back with him and kept it innocent?

 

It’s so rare to meet people in life that you can form a real trusting friendship with, who you can be yourself. Someone who makes you better, who adds to the quality of life.

 

Maybe sometimes men and women can’t just be friends. Maybe that’s my situation. A whole different side of me can come out with her. Not one that comes out with guy friends. Not one that can be shared with a wife either. I’m wide open and honest with her- she knows more about me than anyone, including my wife.

 

I was married young. It was a fit then. But people grow and change over the years. I’m different from back then, a very different person. Work buddy seems a perfect fit now. At least in the part of life we share.

 

It’s two separate but related issues. Marriage going south over the years and building a great friendship with a “work wife.”

[DenimRoad]

My work wife seems to be distancing herself. Not sure what happened. Talk is a bit like pulling teeth. Though we did go out ate afternoon for coffee together.

 

I realize what a mess I am. I’ve built her into the perfect goddess, and in my anxiety I feel like I’m losing her after just a couple of days. I feel like I have nothing without her. I’m really feeling hopeless. I just want to sleep, but even that is so hard.

 

Should I just pull off the bandaid and tell her how I feel? If she doesn’t feel the same, I’d totally screw up our work relationship and make her awkward as hell. I’d hate to burden her with that.

[kamani]

I am sorry to say this, but if you had sex only few times in last four years among other issues your marriage seems done to me. So it seems talking to your wife about EA will work not for you.

 

So this EA, can get physical very quickly. Anyway she is a married woman as well, you both have kids you shouldn't contribute to ruin her family. She may be getting distant because she already knows what she is doing is not correct. Don't be surprised if you too get more closer and feel more bonded when she becomes closer again.

 

Never ever think of admitting your feelings to workwife. Either she will admit to her feelings and it will get physical and you will be the OM. Or she will say she has nothing for you, you will feel betrayed and played and you can't talk to her again.