Does he have feelings for me?

[Diamond19]

I have been friends and coworkers with a guy for about 5 years. He was originally hired to be my assistant. (I’m technically his boss) We have worked closely together on and off during that time. For the past year he is back to working very closely with me. We are both married and have young kids at home.

 

When we hired him, I got a vibe that he was into me. He started calling me his work wife, would get flirty with me, little touches, told me he reminded me of his ex-girlfriend, talked about how our personalities complement each other. He takes a lot of notes, writes down everything. He has notes he took about me 5 years ago and saved them in a drawer along with other little work related notes I gave him. I never really had feelings for him during this time, but definitely felt a sort of connection with him.

 

We are good friends. I like his wife, he likes my husband. Our kids play together. He supported me thru a miscarriage, thru my mom’s breast cancer diagnosis. We can talk about almost anything.

 

In the past year, I started having feelings for him that weren’t there before. I felt like we had this sexual tension building between us that it had to be mutual. Tons of electric eye contact, silly little touches, late night text messages about random things. He went on vacation for a week and we texted everyday. I do not want an affair but I was having a hard time letting my feelings go.

 

I eventually decided to confess my feelings to him about a month ago. My plan was to “burst the bubble.” His initial reaction was to groan and say “OH NO! You can’t have feelings for me since we work together so closely.” He went on to say that he feels like there is not one person for everyone but you chose who to marry. He could have seen us dating if we had met 15 years ago. (Before his wife)it was probably the perfect thing to say to show me he is committed to his wife but doesn’t crush my heart. The problem is I can’t stop wondering if his feelings for me are deeper than he let’s on.

 

He called me to talk about my upcoming promotion late one Friday night about two weeks ago. (So, after I told him my feelings.) He basically spent 20 minutes telling me how great I am and how much he loves working with me and how he thinks I can handle anything they give me. On the flip side, he seems especially concerned about not touching me at all at work. Seems to be keeping a bigger distance.

 

I feel confused. Like he’s sending mixed signals. I feel like an idiot because I always thought he liked me more than I liked him, but maybe I was wrong. Its driving me crazy. What should I do? I want to figure out a way to resolve these feelings. I just can’t stop reading into everything he says and does. Am I crazy for thinking he has stronger feelings than he let’s on?

[JDJ]

Welcome to your #Metoo moment! His boss has just told him that she has feelings for him. Whatever the emotions running between the two of you, he needs money to eat. As his boss, you control that. So he will be forced to say whatever is necessary to keep food on his plate. Maybe that will be being nice to you, maybe it will be going along with a seductive affair between the two of you, or maybe it will be going to HR to report you. The wheels in his head will be spinning about which of these actions is most likely to protect his income. Like it or not, you are in a coercive relationship over him. This is why you JUST DON'T DO this stuff!

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[stillafool]

I think as his boss your behavior is highly inappropriate. You say he supported you though your miscarriage and your mom's cancer diagnosis; but wasn't your own husband supporting you through this. It sounds like this guy was just extremely friendly, somewhat flirty and after you revealed your feelings he tried to let you down in a gentle way. He does not feel the same about you or he would have jumped to the chance to have sex with you. Instead he kept you at arm's length.

[Diamond19]

I realize this is inappropriate behavior for a boss. Our working relationship doesn’t feel like Im his boss. (Yeah, I know doesn’t make it any better) My job has long term plans for the two of us to work as a team for years to come and so I have to move past this.

 

We do have a bit of a unique relationship because we are such close friends too. I have supported him through some of his personal issues as well.

 

I’m confused about his behavior since I told him my feelings. I’ve been working hard at keeping things professional, but he seems to be pushing things a bit. Like the late night phone call - he called me. We sometimes go for “walks” at work, plan to work late together, things like that. He always initiated those things. I think he truly cares about me and I care about him. I want to let go of this damn infatuation, but I’m not sure if I can salvage our friendship and working relationship in the process.

Edited July 9, 2018 by Diamond19

[Malin889]

What do you want to happen? Do you love your husband? Maybe you should leave him first to save him any more heartache.

[preraph]

He rejected you outright in the nicest way he could think of -- maybe if it were 15 years ago. No, he isn't harboring serious feelings for you. He outright told you he's practical minded rather than romantical minded with that comment. So in one swoop, he told you, I love my wife, I'm not vulnerable romantically, and massaged your ego a little so you wouldn't be too mad at him since you're his boss, "maybe if it was 15 years ago."

 

That's a no. Stop making life hard on this poor guy who's just trying to make a living. He is forced to be nice to you, but what may he be saying after 5:00? Probably how aggravated he is he's having to deal with this.

[Malin889]

You should think about your feelings for your husband and stop worrying about this guy. You may think he may have been giving you mixed signals, but he also TOLD you you can’t be together, and as his boss, you must stop all this.

[Diamond19]

It has been a few months and I really tried to take everyone’s feedback to heart. It was inappropriate of me to confess my feelings. I told my friend that we aren’t going to talk about it again because it is inappropriate. Then, I got my husband and I into marriage counseling because obviously there are some things in our marriage that can be approved upon.

 

I’m trying to move on. The problem is I haven’t. I still have feelings. WTF is wrong with me. It doesn’t help that I see my coworker everyday and something about the way he looks at me makes my stomach do flip flops. I’m trying to be as professional and platonic as possible. We rarely even graze touches. I’m afraid I’m in love with him. I don’t know what I would do without him. I can tell him anything. When I try to initiate that honesty with my husband it back fires. My husband has anger issues and gets defensive when it isn’t warranted. We have a lot of work to do with the marriage counselor.

 

In the meantime, my coworker continues to give me intense eye contact at times and recently invited me to go with him to a video arcade, just the two of us. Feels like a date. I know they way I feel could make me over analyze his actions and see something that isn’t there. He tells me we are good friends and he supports me however I need it.

 

deep down I think he has feelings for me. . Am I imagining things? I don’t know. Maybe I’m seeing something that just isn’t there and my friend truly just loves me as a friend. We are both married and we have not crossed a physical line. (Probably just emotional) Can we keep it up? Is this sustainable? Will I go crazy?

Is it possible to be best friends with someone you love? Can romantic love turn into platonic love?

[preraph]

Glad you're in counseling. Figure out whether to stay in your marriage. Your coworker has already been clear he intends to stay in his. An invitation to a very public video arcade to someone he's trying not to get fired by for not reciprocating means nothing. Look, most men can be led into cheating, but it simply doesn't mean a thing to them in their heart. If you really cared about him and not just yourself, you'd stop all this and stop staring at him and be grown up about it.

[lana-banana]

My friend, my coworker...no, he's your subordinate! He may be your "friend", but it's not even like you're coworkers in a flirtatious situation. You're his boss. It may not mean anything to you but I guarantee you it's a very big factor to him. Confessing your feelings to someone you have authority over is totally inappropriate. You've handled things relatively well but I think at this point you have an obligation to move him (or request he be moved) to another department where you aren't supervising him.

 

This is also probably not unrelated to the lack of connection to your husband. Would you really be pouring your heart out to a coworker if you felt your husband was a good listener and invested in your life?

[Diamond19]

An update - we went to the arcade and we pretty much talked the whole night. He confessed to me that he was very attracted to me but committed to his wife. He said he’s been attracted to other women before but it definitely feels different with me because we have such an emotional connection. So, that answers my question - he has feelings for me too. Conversation got a little hot and heavy and a bit inappropriate. Today, We discussed setting some boundaries to ensure things don’t get out of had. Honestly, I feel such a sense of relief. Like maybe I can move on now that I know. For months it had eaten me up inside not really knowing. I definitely channeled that energy when I got home today with my husband. Perhaps this is the confidence boost I needed to fix my marriage.

[sadwithouthim]

Nothing good will come from it if it goes anywhere with this co-worker. Channeling your energy into your marriage is the best thing to do. Also, try not to share emotionally with the co-worker. These are things you should be doing with your husband. Feelings flourish in where they're deposited.

[Diamond19]

I confided with my husband about a few things that were stressing me out. It turned into a fight where he asked me not to talk about that stuff with him because it keeps him up at night. After the new year I need to call that counselor again. I feel like it’s hopeless. How do I cool this friendship when I need support and my husband isn’t able to give it?

 

My friend is always there for me, has encouraged me and helped me become a better me.

[preraph]

Your husband doesn't want to hear about you chasing other guys! You're lucky he's not completely up the wall about it. You do need to continue counseling. Figure out what it is you want and how to cope whatever happens with this work friendship.

[Diamond19]

Ok, I did not tell my husband about my friend. My point is I tried to go to my husband for the emotional support I usually get from my friend and I was completely shot down. It is demoralizing.

 

In other news, things between us have progressed to some major flirting, hot conversations, and some hugging. Yeah, I definitely know the feelings are mutual. I know I’m a terrible person for it, but it feels so right.